Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.
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It was a wonderful morning that Hermione Granger had woken up to. The sun shone and the birds chirped annoyingly until they were finally shot down by Filch (Hagrid actually did that job, but he is dead and he loved birds).
The rest of the girls snored loudly and were asleep in the Girls' bedroom. Hermione shook her head, because she would NEVER snore because she was a good little Gryffindor who excelled in everything and got up all the teachers' asses.
Her job was to bully Harry Potter and Ron Weasley into doing their homework because she absolutely had no life whatsoever, but just hang around the library and read the same old book over and over again: 'Hogwarts: A History'. * No, I 'm not making fun of people who read a lot of books, actually I'm one of them. Book reading is fun, but Granger makes a bad impression of it and only had read: 'Hogwarts: A History'.*
Besides, she hated that 'wooly' Divination, because it didn't make sense to her, and all the things that didn't make sense to Little Miss Perfect Granger were stupid and shouldn't be bothered with learning. She actually hated Trelawney because even Trelawney was more good looking than her (I mean, who would fall in love with a person with such a bushy hair as Granger?). She was as snobby as every Gryffindor, and wanted even more to look like McGonagall (BIG mistake).
Hermione prided herself for being a Mudblood, because Mudbloods were better than Purebloods (which isn't at all true because it is some crap made up by Gryffindor lovers, and Cornelius Fudge must have been a stupid Hufflepuff mudblood).
She wanted to make the S.P.E.W. to achieve her goals for making House Elves free (honestly, what are you HG/SS pairs authors thinking? No insult, please, I'm just showing my point of view and giving my facts).
Hermione put on her fluffy pink slippers and waded off to the bathroom yawning and rubbing her unattractive brown eyes. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her bushy brown hair went straight up and looked as if it was in a washing machine for several hours. It would take time to comb it down.
But first, she would brush her teeth. She took the toothbrush, put a digusting paste on it which her dentist parents had given to her, and began brushing her teeth.
No matter what had happened last year, even Madam Pomphery wasn't able to fix her teeth forever. Last year, Malfoy sent an accident spell on her, which made her teeth grow long and stupid like rabbit's. She went off the Madam Pomphrey who fixed her abnormal teeth successfully, and had even made them look normal. But, sadly, it didn't last forever. Her teeth grew even more bucked than last teeth, and made her look like an overgrown chipmunk.
Hermione brushed her teeth, but suddenly she heard a familiar buzzing of and electric razor behind her.
Buzzzzz...
'Polly wanna shave!' said a voice behind her.
Hermione whirled around and spotted the creature. She screamed.
'POLLY WANNA KILL!' shrieked the phoenix.
A few moments later Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil ran into the bathroom and spotted Hermione dead on the floor, with the electric razor shoved buzzing up her nose, and all of her incredulous bushy hair shaved off.
*******
Severus Snape went down to the Headmaster's, his, office. It was a wonderful night with Sibyl, and he had Potions Lesson with the Fourth year Slytherins and Ravenclaws. He felt in a good mood. Severus just needed to get something from the office and he would go off to his rest day's teaching.
He went through a painting of an old witch, which was a shortcut way to Dumbledore's-or his, new bedroom. Severus appeared in the bedroom at no time. Everything in there was changed from merry Gryffindor red colours to dark, black, green and silver Slytherin colours. He still missed his Head of Slytherin chambers.
Severus walked past his bed, but he spotted something under his mattress. He walked towards it and lifted it. Severus put his hand there and pulled out...
'Fawkes, you stuffed my mattress with HAIR!' roared Snape.
Snape burst into the office, where Fawkes sat calmly on his perch, knitting a brown jumper that he had put on. He was finishing it off.
But Severus noticed that there was something strange about the colour and the texture of that hairy brown jumper...
'Where did you get that material Fawkes?' asked Snape, frowning.
Fwakes stopped his knitting and looked at Snape.
'Polly got this from Gryffindor,' announced Fawkes cheerfully,' it is good, quality, Gryffindor material.'
Snape looked suspiciously at the jumper.
'Could you make me some mittens from this material Fawkes?' asked Snape,' I need some warm mittens for the winter. You know the colors, green and silver.'
Fawkes nodded. Before Snape went out, he asked Fawkes:
'Why did you stuff the mattress with hair?'
'Polly didn't know where to put the rest, there was so much!' croaked Fawkes.
Snape began putting two and two together.
'The hairdresser wants his razor back, he sent me a note.' Said Snape.
'Polly will do so as soon as he finishes off his jumper.'
'Fawkes, from whom did you get the material from?' asked Snape.
'From Hermione Granger!' chirped Fawkes.
Snape's head reeled. The jumper was made of Granger's hair, and he knew that Granger would never in her life shave it, only when she's..
Oh god, and her wanted mittens to be made of her hair! EUGGHHH!!!
Author's Note: HAHAHA!!!! So much black humor! So much horror! I hate Hermione, and no one can stop me! For all those HG/SS writers I'm sorry about the insults, but I'm trying to say that it doesn't make sense that they fall in love. If you don't understand what I'm saying, then read the beginning of the chapter again. In the meantime, please review!
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.
////////////////////
It was a wonderful morning that Hermione Granger had woken up to. The sun shone and the birds chirped annoyingly until they were finally shot down by Filch (Hagrid actually did that job, but he is dead and he loved birds).
The rest of the girls snored loudly and were asleep in the Girls' bedroom. Hermione shook her head, because she would NEVER snore because she was a good little Gryffindor who excelled in everything and got up all the teachers' asses.
Her job was to bully Harry Potter and Ron Weasley into doing their homework because she absolutely had no life whatsoever, but just hang around the library and read the same old book over and over again: 'Hogwarts: A History'. * No, I 'm not making fun of people who read a lot of books, actually I'm one of them. Book reading is fun, but Granger makes a bad impression of it and only had read: 'Hogwarts: A History'.*
Besides, she hated that 'wooly' Divination, because it didn't make sense to her, and all the things that didn't make sense to Little Miss Perfect Granger were stupid and shouldn't be bothered with learning. She actually hated Trelawney because even Trelawney was more good looking than her (I mean, who would fall in love with a person with such a bushy hair as Granger?). She was as snobby as every Gryffindor, and wanted even more to look like McGonagall (BIG mistake).
Hermione prided herself for being a Mudblood, because Mudbloods were better than Purebloods (which isn't at all true because it is some crap made up by Gryffindor lovers, and Cornelius Fudge must have been a stupid Hufflepuff mudblood).
She wanted to make the S.P.E.W. to achieve her goals for making House Elves free (honestly, what are you HG/SS pairs authors thinking? No insult, please, I'm just showing my point of view and giving my facts).
Hermione put on her fluffy pink slippers and waded off to the bathroom yawning and rubbing her unattractive brown eyes. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her bushy brown hair went straight up and looked as if it was in a washing machine for several hours. It would take time to comb it down.
But first, she would brush her teeth. She took the toothbrush, put a digusting paste on it which her dentist parents had given to her, and began brushing her teeth.
No matter what had happened last year, even Madam Pomphery wasn't able to fix her teeth forever. Last year, Malfoy sent an accident spell on her, which made her teeth grow long and stupid like rabbit's. She went off the Madam Pomphrey who fixed her abnormal teeth successfully, and had even made them look normal. But, sadly, it didn't last forever. Her teeth grew even more bucked than last teeth, and made her look like an overgrown chipmunk.
Hermione brushed her teeth, but suddenly she heard a familiar buzzing of and electric razor behind her.
Buzzzzz...
'Polly wanna shave!' said a voice behind her.
Hermione whirled around and spotted the creature. She screamed.
'POLLY WANNA KILL!' shrieked the phoenix.
A few moments later Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil ran into the bathroom and spotted Hermione dead on the floor, with the electric razor shoved buzzing up her nose, and all of her incredulous bushy hair shaved off.
*******
Severus Snape went down to the Headmaster's, his, office. It was a wonderful night with Sibyl, and he had Potions Lesson with the Fourth year Slytherins and Ravenclaws. He felt in a good mood. Severus just needed to get something from the office and he would go off to his rest day's teaching.
He went through a painting of an old witch, which was a shortcut way to Dumbledore's-or his, new bedroom. Severus appeared in the bedroom at no time. Everything in there was changed from merry Gryffindor red colours to dark, black, green and silver Slytherin colours. He still missed his Head of Slytherin chambers.
Severus walked past his bed, but he spotted something under his mattress. He walked towards it and lifted it. Severus put his hand there and pulled out...
'Fawkes, you stuffed my mattress with HAIR!' roared Snape.
Snape burst into the office, where Fawkes sat calmly on his perch, knitting a brown jumper that he had put on. He was finishing it off.
But Severus noticed that there was something strange about the colour and the texture of that hairy brown jumper...
'Where did you get that material Fawkes?' asked Snape, frowning.
Fwakes stopped his knitting and looked at Snape.
'Polly got this from Gryffindor,' announced Fawkes cheerfully,' it is good, quality, Gryffindor material.'
Snape looked suspiciously at the jumper.
'Could you make me some mittens from this material Fawkes?' asked Snape,' I need some warm mittens for the winter. You know the colors, green and silver.'
Fawkes nodded. Before Snape went out, he asked Fawkes:
'Why did you stuff the mattress with hair?'
'Polly didn't know where to put the rest, there was so much!' croaked Fawkes.
Snape began putting two and two together.
'The hairdresser wants his razor back, he sent me a note.' Said Snape.
'Polly will do so as soon as he finishes off his jumper.'
'Fawkes, from whom did you get the material from?' asked Snape.
'From Hermione Granger!' chirped Fawkes.
Snape's head reeled. The jumper was made of Granger's hair, and he knew that Granger would never in her life shave it, only when she's..
Oh god, and her wanted mittens to be made of her hair! EUGGHHH!!!
Author's Note: HAHAHA!!!! So much black humor! So much horror! I hate Hermione, and no one can stop me! For all those HG/SS writers I'm sorry about the insults, but I'm trying to say that it doesn't make sense that they fall in love. If you don't understand what I'm saying, then read the beginning of the chapter again. In the meantime, please review!