Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.
I've also noticed that I have received a large number of flames. I thank those who were kind enough to give me compliments for this story, but for the flamers I just have to say that you people are so stupid! Don't you read the warnings at the beginning of the story? Also this story is a PARODY. Characters are supposed to die in it.
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Snape made a grab for the phoenix, but Fawkes was quick, Fawkes was nimble, Fawkes had flown out of the window!
'Oh God...' whispered Snape,' I've got to warn the school!'
*******
(At the Hufflepuff common room...)
All the Hufflepuffs(who survived) were walking around this cheerfully brainwashing yellow room, chatting happily, unaware of all the bad things that were happening outside.
But one Hufflepuff wasn't happy. Henry Macmillan was crying in the corner of the room for absolutely no reason, but he didn't notice something golden come beside him.
Finally Henry stopped with his wailing and looked at the creature in amazement. It was a phoenix!
'Don't cry,' said the phoenix,' Polly will make all bad things go away.'
'How?' Sniffed Henry. All of the Hufflepuffs were now looking at the phoenix and the boy.
Fawkes smiled.' You just have to trust me!'
And then Fawkes started to sing:
'I know how much you wish for intelligence,
Show me your destiny,
And I'll take you to the promised land.
...
Intelligence! Say and lead the way,
Intelligence!...
One Phoenix! One House! One ruler of all!
King of the cod,
Lord of the crab,
Prince of the whales!
Intelligence! Say and lead the way,
Intelligence!..'
All the Hufflepuffs sang along with the song, and Fawkes was put on a platform. He had a strong look in his eyes.
My name is now Polly the Brainbird!' announced Fawkes.
'Heil Polly!' saluted the Hufflepuffs.
*******
Meanwhile, Snape took out a dusty old microphone from Dumbledore's desk. It was covered in cobwebs because it hadn't been used since the attack from the basilisk from the Chamber of Secrets.
'Every student return to their common rooms,' announced Snape from the microphone,' teachers gather round in the staff room!'
From the Great Hall everybody heard the announcement and started panically to return to their common rooms. Only Ron Weasley was too stupid to know what was going on. He grabbed a few chicken legs and darted out of the hall and went to the closest bathroom, which was the Girl's Toilets. Ron normally doesn't look where he's going.
Now, it was common knowledge that Ron was even stupider than Crabbe and Goyle (at least the two Slytherins didn't open their mouths to shout stupid stuff). Ron hated Slytherins. He was brought up by a family that bred like rabbits (or rats), who couldn't realize that making even more children would make them poorer, they all hated Slytherins. Even ugly little Ginny couldn't have a choice of her own. Poor, innocent, little Ginny.
Ron stuffed his mouth with chicken and took a bite from Trevor (yes, Trevor, the frog, hope you don't mind me copying you Cheo!). But behind him, something gold flew over his shoulder.
'Polly wanna kill!' said a voice above him.
Ron looked up, and saw that he was staring face to face with a phoenix. Ron opened his mouth stupidly, and let all the chicken come drooling out. Fawkes grimaced.
He soon put an end to Ron's miserable life, by stuffing a chicken bone up his nose. Fawkes rummaged through Ron's pockets and found a packet of crayons. He had an idea.
Flitwick was passing by a few minutes later, and noticed something strange in the bathroom. He walked towards it and saw a shock.
Ron's body was sitting on the lavatory, his head lolling, a chicken bone stuck up his nose, and words written with yellow crayons on his maroon jumper:
'NOW I HAVE MORE CRAYONS! HAHAHA!
ENEMIES OF THE HUFFLEPUFFS BEWARE!'
Author's Note: OK, OK, OK, what's with you flamers? If you want to know, I HATE Sirius Black, Ron, McGonagall and many others. You can't prevent me from hating them. But I don't hat Hagrid and Dumbledore. They just got in the way. Of course wizards don't use pencils, but that doesn't mean that they don't have them lying around. Dumbledore is strange. Some of you said that even people with half a brain wouldn't read this. Then why are you reading it? Leave, if you want. Of course McGonagall is a bad cook, because she doesn't cook. You say Slytherins don't laugh, so you're saying that they are evil! Cedric Diggory was actually a stupid Hufflepuff, when he shared the Tournament cup he was noble, but not clever! How do you know that Godric's sword didn't come from a display case? Dumbledore left it there! As I said, it's a parody, so Fawkes here talks and murders people.
The song 'Intelligence' was from the cartoon 'Help! I'm a fish!' but it is a bit changed. I found it appropriate for this chapter. The message from Ron's jumper I had copied from 'Die Hard'. Please review! Flaming would only show that you have a conservative mind!
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.
I've also noticed that I have received a large number of flames. I thank those who were kind enough to give me compliments for this story, but for the flamers I just have to say that you people are so stupid! Don't you read the warnings at the beginning of the story? Also this story is a PARODY. Characters are supposed to die in it.
////////////////////
Snape made a grab for the phoenix, but Fawkes was quick, Fawkes was nimble, Fawkes had flown out of the window!
'Oh God...' whispered Snape,' I've got to warn the school!'
*******
(At the Hufflepuff common room...)
All the Hufflepuffs(who survived) were walking around this cheerfully brainwashing yellow room, chatting happily, unaware of all the bad things that were happening outside.
But one Hufflepuff wasn't happy. Henry Macmillan was crying in the corner of the room for absolutely no reason, but he didn't notice something golden come beside him.
Finally Henry stopped with his wailing and looked at the creature in amazement. It was a phoenix!
'Don't cry,' said the phoenix,' Polly will make all bad things go away.'
'How?' Sniffed Henry. All of the Hufflepuffs were now looking at the phoenix and the boy.
Fawkes smiled.' You just have to trust me!'
And then Fawkes started to sing:
'I know how much you wish for intelligence,
Show me your destiny,
And I'll take you to the promised land.
...
Intelligence! Say and lead the way,
Intelligence!...
One Phoenix! One House! One ruler of all!
King of the cod,
Lord of the crab,
Prince of the whales!
Intelligence! Say and lead the way,
Intelligence!..'
All the Hufflepuffs sang along with the song, and Fawkes was put on a platform. He had a strong look in his eyes.
My name is now Polly the Brainbird!' announced Fawkes.
'Heil Polly!' saluted the Hufflepuffs.
*******
Meanwhile, Snape took out a dusty old microphone from Dumbledore's desk. It was covered in cobwebs because it hadn't been used since the attack from the basilisk from the Chamber of Secrets.
'Every student return to their common rooms,' announced Snape from the microphone,' teachers gather round in the staff room!'
From the Great Hall everybody heard the announcement and started panically to return to their common rooms. Only Ron Weasley was too stupid to know what was going on. He grabbed a few chicken legs and darted out of the hall and went to the closest bathroom, which was the Girl's Toilets. Ron normally doesn't look where he's going.
Now, it was common knowledge that Ron was even stupider than Crabbe and Goyle (at least the two Slytherins didn't open their mouths to shout stupid stuff). Ron hated Slytherins. He was brought up by a family that bred like rabbits (or rats), who couldn't realize that making even more children would make them poorer, they all hated Slytherins. Even ugly little Ginny couldn't have a choice of her own. Poor, innocent, little Ginny.
Ron stuffed his mouth with chicken and took a bite from Trevor (yes, Trevor, the frog, hope you don't mind me copying you Cheo!). But behind him, something gold flew over his shoulder.
'Polly wanna kill!' said a voice above him.
Ron looked up, and saw that he was staring face to face with a phoenix. Ron opened his mouth stupidly, and let all the chicken come drooling out. Fawkes grimaced.
He soon put an end to Ron's miserable life, by stuffing a chicken bone up his nose. Fawkes rummaged through Ron's pockets and found a packet of crayons. He had an idea.
Flitwick was passing by a few minutes later, and noticed something strange in the bathroom. He walked towards it and saw a shock.
Ron's body was sitting on the lavatory, his head lolling, a chicken bone stuck up his nose, and words written with yellow crayons on his maroon jumper:
'NOW I HAVE MORE CRAYONS! HAHAHA!
ENEMIES OF THE HUFFLEPUFFS BEWARE!'
Author's Note: OK, OK, OK, what's with you flamers? If you want to know, I HATE Sirius Black, Ron, McGonagall and many others. You can't prevent me from hating them. But I don't hat Hagrid and Dumbledore. They just got in the way. Of course wizards don't use pencils, but that doesn't mean that they don't have them lying around. Dumbledore is strange. Some of you said that even people with half a brain wouldn't read this. Then why are you reading it? Leave, if you want. Of course McGonagall is a bad cook, because she doesn't cook. You say Slytherins don't laugh, so you're saying that they are evil! Cedric Diggory was actually a stupid Hufflepuff, when he shared the Tournament cup he was noble, but not clever! How do you know that Godric's sword didn't come from a display case? Dumbledore left it there! As I said, it's a parody, so Fawkes here talks and murders people.
The song 'Intelligence' was from the cartoon 'Help! I'm a fish!' but it is a bit changed. I found it appropriate for this chapter. The message from Ron's jumper I had copied from 'Die Hard'. Please review! Flaming would only show that you have a conservative mind!