Hogwarts Vs. Evil Phoenix
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.
I'm baaack! Did you think that you would get rid of me so easily? ////////////////////
'So what shall we do?' asked Professor Sinistra.
'The students shall be in their common room, and not allowed to go anywhere,' Severus shot a sharp look at the staff,' especially not the toilets.'
'Who agrees with Headmaster Snape raise their hands!' squeaked Flitwick.
Half of the staff raised their hands except Lupin.
'I will agree with what Hagrid says!' announced Lupin, nudging an invisible person in the empty chair next to him,' Right, Hagrid?'
'Err...Remus,' began uncertainly Vector,' Hagrid's dead.'
'What are you talking about?' scoffed Lupin,' Hagrid isn't dead. Right, Hagrid?'
Severus suddenly remembered a 'shocking' thought.
'Lupin, did you look somewhere around my potion's cabinet?' inquired Snape.
'No, but I was in your rooms!' cheerfully said Lupin.
'Did you by any choice find a bottle of white powder, with 'Cocaine' marked on it?' asked Snape.
'Yes! It was under your bed!' agreed Lupin.
'What did you do with it?'
'Well, I sold it to a muggle secretly...it's amazing why muggles pay so much money for it...until I tried some myself, and found eternal happiness!' grinned stupidly Lupin, swaying a bit.
Lupin was immediately put in the Hospital Wing for healing.
'Right.' Announced Snape,' So we go to our chambers, not use the toilets, never get out unless we finally beat Polly the Brainbird with his followers.'
And off they went.
*******
Harry trudged down the hallway, going towards the Headmaster's office for something very important. Harry accidentally tripped over his always undone shoelaces in the common room, with everyone looking at him. His head hit the leg of an armchair, and pain rushed up his head, and his SCAR began to hurt. Harry thought that this was a sign, so he 'rushed' up to the Headmaster's office to tell his problems.
But Harry was so stupid, he didn't know that his scar hurt because he his head against the table leg. Voldemort would do more important things than chasing a little brat around, like picking flowers from other people's gardens, because it was another one of his masterly plans. He would make the flowers alive, and they would kill their masters, by shooting petals up their noses, so the master dies of sneezing. A masterly plan is it? Only pureblood wizards have more sense than planting flowers like muggles in their back gardens (thank god I don't!).
So Harry went up the moving stairs, and remembered what good times he had with stupid Ron and hairy Hermione. He really needed Ron's idiotic comments, so he could finally bash someone in the face without a reason. Harry began to cry.
'Poor Ron!' wailed Harry,' Poor Hermione! Poor-oh, fuck Cedric! Poor Gryffindors! Poor Cho! Poor me!'
'Oh, shut up!' growled Moaning Myrtle,' You're even worse than me!'
So Harry went up the stairs, moaning, tears clouding, so he wasn't able to see where he was going. But he didn't notice something golden creep up under the stairs.
'Polly wanna kill!' Fawkes said, but his words couldn't be heard over Harry's wailing.
Fawkes made the stairs stop in mid-turning, so what they were facing now was empty space. Harry still didn't look where he was going.
'Poor Dumbledore! Poor Hagrid! Poor McGonagall! Poor- AAAHHHHH!!!!' screamed Harry as he fell off the edge of the stairs down into his abyss, meeting his death.
So that was the end of Boy Who Lived. Since this tragic death he was called The Boy Who Died.
Fawkes flew back to the Hufflepuff dormitories, carrying explosives. He threw them into he middle of the room, while the Hufflepuffs gathered around.
'We will defeat Hogwarts!' triumphantly yelled Fawkes,' And show who is the greatest of the Hogwarts four!'
'Heil Polly! Long live Hufflepuffs!' cheered the Hufflepuffs.
Fawkes gave an evil grin.
'Bye-bye Hogwarts!' he pressed the detonator.
The Huflepuff tower blew up, and like a rocket, exploded off the ground and sailed off into space, landing on the moon. Since this incident, Hufflepuffs never existed again in Hogwarts history. But if you look up at the moon at night, you may see a big whole in it where the tower landed. And you will know that 'intelligent' life lives in space.
Everyone lived happily ever after this crappy ending. Snape and Trelawney got married and had children (who all ended up in Slytherin), no one was bother by idiot Potter and his fan club, Draco became the top star, Mad-eye Moody was banished from the wizarding world for being such an unfair grouch (last time I heard, he was killed by one of Voldemort's master plans *sigh * . He must have kept flowers in his garden * no wonder they wanted to kill him! * ).
Neville Longbottom soon died afterwards when he 'accidentally' blew up a potion in Potions Class (he pretended to be bad at potions all these years. Did you really believe that someone could be THAT bad in potions? Anyway, he took it too far. Serves him right!).
Argus Filch became Deputy Headmaster, who introduced another lesson for the first time in Hogwarts: 'Cleaning Class' . Every once a week, students all over Hogwarts will learn the art of sweeping, moping and cleaning the corridors. And Filch led that class.
So, as you can see, everybody lived happily ever after. Let this be a lesson to you all: even if magic may sound cool, be still happy that you are an innocent, naïve muggle!
THE END (A few months later, Voldemort conquered all the cornflakes factories!)
Author's Note: Yay! Finished at last! Did you enjoy it? All of you flamers need to get a hobby (and I don't mean flaming). Maybe then you will be able to get a sense of humor. If the ending just made you more angrier, it was my pleasure! Like I care about your stupid flames! And you thought that you could make me take my story off? You're asking the wrong person. But all of you people who were nice, polite, reviewers then I thank you once again for showing me support. Because I even heard flames wondering about a TV?! Oh well, please review!
Author's Note: This is the first time I write an R-rated story. I rated it R to be on the safe side. I have co-written this with my friend 'Kitty' (who isn't a member of Fanfiction.Net). This is a comedy, so don't take it seriously, because I hate many HP characters which most of you like. If you don't like deaths of Dumbledore, then leave. None of the characters belong to me only to J.K. Rowling. This story is also full of horror.
I'm baaack! Did you think that you would get rid of me so easily? ////////////////////
'So what shall we do?' asked Professor Sinistra.
'The students shall be in their common room, and not allowed to go anywhere,' Severus shot a sharp look at the staff,' especially not the toilets.'
'Who agrees with Headmaster Snape raise their hands!' squeaked Flitwick.
Half of the staff raised their hands except Lupin.
'I will agree with what Hagrid says!' announced Lupin, nudging an invisible person in the empty chair next to him,' Right, Hagrid?'
'Err...Remus,' began uncertainly Vector,' Hagrid's dead.'
'What are you talking about?' scoffed Lupin,' Hagrid isn't dead. Right, Hagrid?'
Severus suddenly remembered a 'shocking' thought.
'Lupin, did you look somewhere around my potion's cabinet?' inquired Snape.
'No, but I was in your rooms!' cheerfully said Lupin.
'Did you by any choice find a bottle of white powder, with 'Cocaine' marked on it?' asked Snape.
'Yes! It was under your bed!' agreed Lupin.
'What did you do with it?'
'Well, I sold it to a muggle secretly...it's amazing why muggles pay so much money for it...until I tried some myself, and found eternal happiness!' grinned stupidly Lupin, swaying a bit.
Lupin was immediately put in the Hospital Wing for healing.
'Right.' Announced Snape,' So we go to our chambers, not use the toilets, never get out unless we finally beat Polly the Brainbird with his followers.'
And off they went.
*******
Harry trudged down the hallway, going towards the Headmaster's office for something very important. Harry accidentally tripped over his always undone shoelaces in the common room, with everyone looking at him. His head hit the leg of an armchair, and pain rushed up his head, and his SCAR began to hurt. Harry thought that this was a sign, so he 'rushed' up to the Headmaster's office to tell his problems.
But Harry was so stupid, he didn't know that his scar hurt because he his head against the table leg. Voldemort would do more important things than chasing a little brat around, like picking flowers from other people's gardens, because it was another one of his masterly plans. He would make the flowers alive, and they would kill their masters, by shooting petals up their noses, so the master dies of sneezing. A masterly plan is it? Only pureblood wizards have more sense than planting flowers like muggles in their back gardens (thank god I don't!).
So Harry went up the moving stairs, and remembered what good times he had with stupid Ron and hairy Hermione. He really needed Ron's idiotic comments, so he could finally bash someone in the face without a reason. Harry began to cry.
'Poor Ron!' wailed Harry,' Poor Hermione! Poor-oh, fuck Cedric! Poor Gryffindors! Poor Cho! Poor me!'
'Oh, shut up!' growled Moaning Myrtle,' You're even worse than me!'
So Harry went up the stairs, moaning, tears clouding, so he wasn't able to see where he was going. But he didn't notice something golden creep up under the stairs.
'Polly wanna kill!' Fawkes said, but his words couldn't be heard over Harry's wailing.
Fawkes made the stairs stop in mid-turning, so what they were facing now was empty space. Harry still didn't look where he was going.
'Poor Dumbledore! Poor Hagrid! Poor McGonagall! Poor- AAAHHHHH!!!!' screamed Harry as he fell off the edge of the stairs down into his abyss, meeting his death.
So that was the end of Boy Who Lived. Since this tragic death he was called The Boy Who Died.
Fawkes flew back to the Hufflepuff dormitories, carrying explosives. He threw them into he middle of the room, while the Hufflepuffs gathered around.
'We will defeat Hogwarts!' triumphantly yelled Fawkes,' And show who is the greatest of the Hogwarts four!'
'Heil Polly! Long live Hufflepuffs!' cheered the Hufflepuffs.
Fawkes gave an evil grin.
'Bye-bye Hogwarts!' he pressed the detonator.
The Huflepuff tower blew up, and like a rocket, exploded off the ground and sailed off into space, landing on the moon. Since this incident, Hufflepuffs never existed again in Hogwarts history. But if you look up at the moon at night, you may see a big whole in it where the tower landed. And you will know that 'intelligent' life lives in space.
Everyone lived happily ever after this crappy ending. Snape and Trelawney got married and had children (who all ended up in Slytherin), no one was bother by idiot Potter and his fan club, Draco became the top star, Mad-eye Moody was banished from the wizarding world for being such an unfair grouch (last time I heard, he was killed by one of Voldemort's master plans *sigh * . He must have kept flowers in his garden * no wonder they wanted to kill him! * ).
Neville Longbottom soon died afterwards when he 'accidentally' blew up a potion in Potions Class (he pretended to be bad at potions all these years. Did you really believe that someone could be THAT bad in potions? Anyway, he took it too far. Serves him right!).
Argus Filch became Deputy Headmaster, who introduced another lesson for the first time in Hogwarts: 'Cleaning Class' . Every once a week, students all over Hogwarts will learn the art of sweeping, moping and cleaning the corridors. And Filch led that class.
So, as you can see, everybody lived happily ever after. Let this be a lesson to you all: even if magic may sound cool, be still happy that you are an innocent, naïve muggle!
THE END (A few months later, Voldemort conquered all the cornflakes factories!)
Author's Note: Yay! Finished at last! Did you enjoy it? All of you flamers need to get a hobby (and I don't mean flaming). Maybe then you will be able to get a sense of humor. If the ending just made you more angrier, it was my pleasure! Like I care about your stupid flames! And you thought that you could make me take my story off? You're asking the wrong person. But all of you people who were nice, polite, reviewers then I thank you once again for showing me support. Because I even heard flames wondering about a TV?! Oh well, please review!