Jackie & Heidi
Steamed up windows of the El Camino. Inside the car you see flailing limbs.
Hyde: Jackie, um Jackie? (attempts to sit up, she pulls him back down. Jackie does a primal grunt. Hyde's head bobs back into view)
Don't think I don't appreciate that. (he sits up, her still wrapped around him like human Velcro) Jackie, could you.. 'cause I need to think and it's hard to do that.
Jackie: (sitting back, exasperated) What is it Stephen?
Hyde: Well. don't you think that we should. I don't know.. do something else?....(pauses and makes a disgusted face) Did I just SAY that?
Jackie: Are you bored with me Stephen? (laughs) No wait.. what am I thinking? I'm hot!
Hyde: No.. definitely NOT bored. It's just. Damn Jackie, I bought lip balm the other day., .. And, down time is good too. I mean, don't get me wrong, this being with you stuff is hot . and THIS will still be happening.
Jackie: Um, DUH. So, what do you want to do?
Hyde: Well, I don't know. maybe.. talk? Crap! Who is SAYING this stuff?
Jackie: (sighs loudly) FINE Stephen, we can talk. What do you want to talk about?
Hyde: Um. Well. I saw that Aerosmith is coming to Green Bay.
(Jackie lunges across the car at Hyde, kissing him. he is clearly taken by surprise)
Jackie: (quickly) This now, talk later.
Hyde gives in as most teenage guys would when faced with such a pleasant option.
In front of the Foreman's house, Fez, Kelso, Eric and Donna are playing basketball. Kelso is attempting to shoot a foul shot.
Fez: (taunting Kelso, trying to distract him): Hey batter batter batter.. Swing..
Donna: Fez, that's baseball.
Fez: batter batter batter batter batter batter batter batter batter batter
Kelso: Shut UP man! (Kelso makes the shot) Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! See Fez, you can try to distract me, but I am the MAN when it comes to basketball!
Eric: Actually, you kind of shoot like a girl. (Kelso makes gasping annoyed noise)
Donna: Eric! (hits him) Don't insult women everywhere.
Fez: (to Kelso) I believe, you sir should get some Aloe for your BURN.
Donna: Good one Fez.
Hyde approaches, wearing a coat, buttoned up to the neck that it is clearly too warm to be wearing.
Eric: Well if it isn't that mountain man I ordered from the Sears catalog. (pause) if I ordered men, which I don't.. (Donna looks at him).. 'cause I like girls. Nevermind.
Donna: Hey Hyde, what's up with the coat?
Hyde: Nothin's up, it's just a little cold out. Sorta.
Fez: You are sweating. And it is not pretty.
Kelso: (laughing) Dude, why didn't you just wear a turtleneck? (pulls down edge of coat, revealing a large bruise on his neck)
Eric (laughing): Did the Hickey Fairy give somebody a visit last night?
Donna: (delighted) Jackie gave you a hickey?? Let me see! (going for the coat)
Hyde: (Slapping away her hands) Get off!
Donna: I still can't believe Jackie gave you a hickey. She doesn't seem the type.
Fez: That is because beneath the surface all ladies want sweet love from men. Mostly men with accents. That like candy. (smiling) Whoooo do we knoooow with an accent. that likes candy?
Kelso: Yeah, Jackie's sort of a shy flower. And the best way to get a flower to blossom, is dump lots of fertilizer on it. So, I mean, you gotta just keep asking and asking and asking, to get her to let you DO anything. And man, she'll act like she's just giving in to shut you up, but then.. you get to DO stuff. So it's ok.
Hyde (giving him a disgusted look): Shy flower my ass! She's all over me man, I'm getting dehydrated here.
(They all laugh)
Donna: Ouch Kelso! Buuuurn!
Fez: Apparently Kelso could not stoke the fire of Jackie's loins. She likes to cling to Hyde like a lamprey of love.
Kelso: Hey! Just because I couldn't get her to do it with me sometimes didn't mean she didn't WANT to do it. All girls always want to do it. They're just tricky. They hold out 'cause they don't want to look easy. Don't you people read cosmo?
Hyde: (flatly) No, do you?
Kelso: (defensive) I don't BUY it. GOD! I'm not a chick! I just read it at the beauty shop when they're feathering my hair.
Eric: What I think Michelle means here is that Jackie doesn't mind if you think she's easy Hyde! Enjoy! Man, that's gotta be cool being with someone (Donna glares at him) who doesn't um. respect herself.. or something feminist.
Donna: Maybe Hyde just knows what to do to GET a girl to want to do it!
Hyde: (self satisfied smirk) Yeah, I'm the master. (scowl) But man, I need a nap or something, who knew cheerleaders were so much work? (saracastic) She's taking years off my life man.
Fez: But what a way to go! Why do some people cry about their woman giving them too much love when some of us have no loving at all?
Hyde: Fez-
Fez: NO LOVE
Eric: Hey Hyde, here comes the lamprey herself.
Hyde: Crap. You didn't see me (Heads off into the Foreman house)
Jackie: Hi, have you all seen Stephen?
Donna: Um, so Jackie, how's it going?
Jackie: Good! My hair is looking especially shiny today.
Kelso (swaggering up): Um, yeah it does. So, are all you -uh- needs, being met?
Jackie (confused): Well, no.
Kelso: Cause I'd like to help you out, you know, for old times sake
Jackie: (beaming) Thanks Michael! (reaches into pocket) here's the ticket to my dry cleaning. Be sure to make sure they got the pleats straight. Otherwise it makes me look bunchy and shows fat where there isn't any. (pause)and that's just WRONG! (she smiles and walks off.)
Everyone laughs
Kelso: Dry cleaning is VERY SPECIAL okay? And just because I'm not her boyfriend anymore and there's no way I am going to get anything from doing this (realization hits) MAN!!! (stomps off)
Kitty and Red are in the living room. Red is wearing a sweater and Eric is coming through the kitchen door. Kitty is wearing skirt and short sleeved shirt. She is fanning herself with a Japanese fan.
Eric: I can see my breath in here
Red: Don't ask.
Kitty: It's so hot in here! But this is all NORMAL. I am going through the change-of-life where my menstrual cycle has stopped, so the hormones..
(guys react)
Eric: MOM!
Red: Christ Kitty!
Kitty: And though I won't be able to have any more children and my body has pretty much sent a signal that I no longer am needed as a parent. (sighs heavily) it doesn't mean (sniffs) I am no longer a woman (crying).
(Kitty leaves the room)
Eric: Is Mom ok?
Red: It's been like this all day. She's up! She's down! It's like a damn rollercoaster around here.
Eric: Dad, don't you think you need to be a bit more sensitive?
Red: Eric, sensitivity is for schmucks. (softening) Look, your mother is wonderful, but if we cater to these crazy mood swings she's having then we're all going to have crazy moods. And then we might as well be living in a house full of sorority girls.
Eric: That wouldn't be so bad.. pillow fights and pajama parties (smiles dreamily)
Red: Go do your homework, you pervert.
Eric: Like I can study now!
Eric exits
Kitty enters
Kitty: I made us some ice tea! Would you like some more ice in it?
Red: No, that's ok.. I think there's an icicle or two hanging from my nose.
Kitty: HA HA! Oh Red, I'm sorry for all this (starts to scrunch her face up as if about to cry)
Red: Now now! None of that Kitty! (Smiles) You sure look, um.. pretty today.
Kitty: Really? You think so? (brightening) You know, I bought myself something pretty you might like to see... (flirting)
Red: Kitty, the boy is home..
Kitty: It's ok, I'm probably going to start crying any minute any way! HA HA! These mood swings. One minute I'm frigid and crying, the next minute I'm hot-to-trot.
Red: Wait! This is because of um, your lady stuff?
Kitty: Yes Red, and it's all very natural.
Red: And it could wear off soon?
Kitty: (quickly) At any minute.
Red: Let's go! (They laugh and run upstairs)
Later on, in Kitty and Red's bedroom.
Kitty: Oh Red, I just feel so much better! Ha Ha!
Red: (smiling, so proud) Well, that makes two of us Kitty.
Kitty: So. (smiles)
Red: Um, sure. ok.
Later in Kitty and Red's room Red looks tired, and also looks like he's had enough.
Kitty: Well I feel just great! I am going to get some water. (she bounces off towards the bedroom)
Red: (wheezing) Take your time. No rush! I CAN WAIT!
Kitty: Don't go anywhere!
Red starts sneaking out of the bedroom.
Kitty: Where are you going?
Red: Um, I was going to go.. to the garage. to.. um..
Kitty: I thought we were going to have a magical time?
Red: We have. More than once! It's been magical all the freaking day Kitty!
Kitty: Have you not been having fun?
Red: Kitty, a man can only be -uh- a magician for so long. We could do something else? Maybe see a movie...?
Kitty: It's my darn hormones Red.. it seems like this keeps me happy. I mean, it always keeps me happy.. but this makes me extra happy.
Red: Yes, well.. have you considered knitting? Or um?
Kitty: Do you not find me desirable anymore Red?
Red: No. I mean, I do. (nervous) But Kitty, dammit just because you're body's wacky doesn't mean I should have to suffer.
Kitty gasps and runs out of the room. Red realizes what he has said.
Red: Oh crap.
Inside the kitchen Hyde is eating a sandwich. He sees Jackie enter from the slider he crouches down behind the counter by the fridge. Jackie enters from the living room (after evidentally going through the back door in the basement and going around the house she sees him, smiles, and sneaks up behind him
Jackie: Boo!
Hyde jumps. Looks defeated.
Hyde: Hi Jackie (backs up against counter)
Jackie: Stephen.. I missed you (singsongy and approaching)
Hyde: I'm so glad (singsongy) So, do you want to go to a movie?
Jackie: We could sit in the back! In the dark! Oh Stephen!
Hyde: Yeah. So, no then.. look Jackie.(she starts touching his shirt) I like this thing we have going.
Jackie: Me too. Kiss me.
Hyde: Damn it! Listen to me Jackie.
Jackie: (shocked): What?
Hyde:: You're all over me, constantly. And you'd think I'd never have a problem with that. And I shouldn't, because you're cute. But I do. Ok? Why do you think I was hiding behind the counter?
Jackie: Are you avoiding me?
Hyde: No, I'm just going where you aren't. Look, things don't have to be all the way every time.
Jackie: You've been acting weird. Is our lovemaking-
Hyde: Ok, from now on, we're calling it something else.
Jackie: I want to express my love for you Stephen.
Hyde: We've expressed it all over the greater Kenosha area!
Jackie: Well.. do you have something else in mind?
Hyde: Anything else! Concerts! Movies! Hell, at this point even shopping! You see what you're doing to me woman?
Jackie: I don't feel like shopping Stephen.
Hyde: You don't. YOU don't feel like shopping? Thank God. Well, what um, do you feel like?
Jackie pounces on Hyde. There is a complicated twist as Stephen tries to back away and she keeps advancing. Eventually he's bent over the kitchen counter struggling as she's kissing him and she's hanging from him her legs kicking in the air.
Red enters with Eric.
Red: Good Christ! People EAT in here!
Eric: Well, not any more.. Jackie jumps down and looks guilty.
Jackie: Mr. Foreman.. I am so..
Red: Why can't you kids at least HIDE it from us? We don't need to see that! Hanky Panky has no place around cutlery!
Eric: Ooh, yeah that could cause a nasty accident.
Jackie: So, Stephen.. I'll call you.. I have to go home anyhow..
Eric: Begone, you Jezebel.
Jackie glares at Eric.
Hyde: (clearly he's annoyed by her actions) Yeah, later.
Jackie tries to make eye contact with Hyde and exits.
Red glares at Hyde. Eric smiles.
Red: This isn't wild America, we don't just carry on like two wildebeest in rutting season! Especially in the kitchen!
Hyde: Sorry Red. Look, she's after me all the time!
Red: (skeptical) Really. SHE'S after YOU
Hyde: I'm serious man! She is! It's like she's some sort of ANIMAL.
Eric: Hear him out Dad, I mean.. Jackie DID date Kelso, so fundamentally something's gotta be kooky upstairs. (with pride) and Hyde seems to have found it.
Hyde: Well, how do I lose it?
Jackie, Donna, Kitty are at the Foreman's kitchen table in the circle eating ice cream.
Jackie: I'm not asking too much! Just that he worship me and bend to my every whim!
Donna: Yeah that's not too much. (laughs) I can't believe you gave him a hickey.
Kitty: Ohh, that's so unsanitary. Cause a hickey.. is a bruise. It's not romantic! Now Red, he's romantic. His smile, that manly gleam in his eye (she digs into the ice cream) the bastard!
Jackie: So Stephen's like 'You're hot!' and now he's not giving it up! Why won't he give it up? He's acting like a girl! Do you know how many guys would love to touch me? The fact I am letting him is a gift! It's like someone buying you a pony! And then saying "no I don't want it" WHO DOES THAT?
Fez: You are all beautiful ladies and any man who does not want to pleasure you is crazy. And I would keep your pony Jackie. Ooh, goomy bears. (puts them on his sundae)
Donna: You know Jackie, you're being sort of bossy it could just be that Hyde wants to do OTHER stuff!
Jackie: But he's a GUY! Guy's don't want to do other stuff. They just want to do it! I might as well start calling him Heidi!
Kitty: Oh honey, that's not true. Men have many interests besides intercourse. (bitter) Like football for instance..
Jackie: Mrs. Foreman, let me give you some advice..look I've dated a lot of guys and trust me they always want to do it. Unless your ugly. Then they want to do it with your friends.
Fez: This is true.
Jackie: And I am NOT bossy. I just want everything MY WAY. At all times. When I say so. I think that's reasonable. Besides, I know Stephen agrees with me, I can read his mind. We're very connected. Soulmates agree on everything, so one soulmate just tells the other one what to do. And that's what I do See?
Kitty: I just want romance. That's all. Is that too much to ask? I am a woman! I want to be recognized as one.
Fantasy Sequence, women's voices imitating the guys.
Kitty is cooking in the kitchen. Red walks in, in uniform.
Red: Say dollface, you've been working far too hard. So I've gotten a maid!
Kitty: Yayy!
Red: And, we're going to that romantic French restaurant I always said I hated!
Kitty: Oh Red, I don't deserve all this. And it's Sunday! What about football!
Red: I hate football! After the restaurant we're going to the ballet! And when we get home I want to give you anything you need!
Kitty: Oh Red!!
End fantasy sequence.
Donna: No offense Mrs. Foreman, but I can't see Red at the ballet. I think the pink tights would scare him away.
Jackie: Screw the ballet. I just want Hyde to find me desirable. And to give me what I want. Any time I want it.
Fantasy sequence. Jackie is wearing a princess dress and Hyde is entering on a horse.
Hyde: Good day m'lady! Would you like to go flowerpicking with me?
Jackie: Screw that. I want you to go to my royal chambers
Hyde: But m'lady, wouldn't that compromise your maidenly virtue?
Jackie: (cheerfully) It's already BEEN compromised!
Hyde: Smashing! (Picks her up and skips off to the bedroom)
Fantasy end. Jackie smiles dreamily at the table.
Kitty: Oh sweetie, that so.. so. well, sad.
Donna: So you want Hyde to be a slutty prince?
Jackie: Um, DUH! Donna! I don't ask much.
Fez: I know what I wish.
Fantasy sequence. Disco music is playing. Fez in out on the floor dancing up a storm. Jackie dances up to him.
Jackie: Wow, you're the coolest Fez. I'm double jointed and I'm easy!
Fez: How nice for me!
Kitty dances up
Kitty: Fez is going with me! And don't make me fight for him, I'll win. He needs an experienced woman!
Fez: Ladies, ladies. There is enough of Fez to go around.
They smile, happy about being with Fez. Then Donna walks up dressed like a police officer.
Donna: I'm sorry you're under arrest.. for being so.. SEXY!
She proceeds to handcuff Fez and start to strip. Fantasy Fez smiles happily.
End Fantasy Sequence. All the women are glaring. Fez is smiling.
Fez: What? No?.. (realizing he's in trouble) Ayyy.
The Living room, Kitty is sitting at the table. Knitting. Red enters with flowers.
Red: Hi Kitty, um.. what are you doing there.
Kitty: Knitting Red! You know, because that's a great substitute for physical intimacy. Ha Ha! I've almost made a sweater, which I won't wear. because it's too hot. Ha ha ha!
Red: Look Kitty, I know you're going through a rough thing right now. And believe me, I 'm trying to understand. But do you remember how every Thanksgiving we get a big turkey?
Kitty: Oh, be careful with this one Red.
Red: Hear me out. Now, after Thanksgiving we eat turkey for weeks and weeks and weeks. And then eventually, the last thing you want is turkey!
Kitty: Is one of us a turkey here?
Red: Forget the turkey. Kitty, I love you. But these hormones of yours are driving me crazy. One minute you're ready to put a Do Not Disturb sign on the door and the next you're angry at me. And maybe I'm a dumbass, but I just can't follow it all the time.
Kitty: (smiling) You are a dumbass you know. And I'm sorry I've been this way. I guess I just found something that made me feel more like myself.. and so I probably almost threw your back out again.
Red: Damn near did (chuckling) Look, I'll try my best to understand, if you try your best not to kill me. How's that sound?
Kitty: That sounds wonderful! Oh, Red. (they kiss) Red?
Red: Yes.
Kitty: Would you ever go to the ballet?
Red: Like hell. But how about I take you out for dinner and a movie?
Kitty: Oh, well that's ok too! (smiles and they cuddle up)
In the basement. Hyde, Kelso, Fez, Donna and Eric are hanging out.
Eric: So, Heidi, still wanting to "talk"?
(the guys all snicker)
Hyde: Shut up, Foreskin.
Donna: (punches Eric's arm) Talking is good. I thought you LIKED talking.
Eric: And I do Donna. But if you were all over me, I don't think I'd be ABLE to talk.
Donna: (smiling) Yeah, I'm pretty hot.
Kelso: Dude, I just wanna know how you can sit there and be like (mimicking a girl) "No no, please don't touch me!" I'd be like TOUCH ME WOMAN!
Hyde: Go touch yourself.
Eric: See, Kelso.. not only does Jackie want Hyde MORE than she wanted you, but Hyde's keeping her at bay. She must be so angry. (smiles) this is great!
Kelso: See, I say.. just do it. And if you get tired.. fall asleep. And if she tries to wake you up. Keep sleeping. Unless her parents show up. Then run man, RUN LIKE THE WIND.
Hyde: Look, fact is, Jackie wants me. And that's cool. But all the time, it messes with your mind man, and if I give in on this it'll be like giving away your brain to her. And then she'll change it. And give it back. Before you know it, I'll be like Foreman.
Eric: Hey!.. well, yeah.. ok.
Fez: I want to give away my brain.
Donna: Just talk to her Hyde.. Jackie's not unreasonable. No, wait that's not Jackie, that's someone else.
Door of basement opens, Jackie enters carrying a box. She looks serious.
Jackie: Stephen, I need to talk to you.
Eric: Don't you mean "at" him?
Jackie glares at him
Donna: C'mon Eric, let's go. not talk
Eric smiles and follows.
Kelso and Fez smile and look expectantly at Jackie and Hyde
Hyde: Hey, hosers! GO!
Kelso: You don't scare me Hyde!
Hyde starts towards him and Kelso falls all over running out the door.
Fez : (smiling politely) Good day.
Jackie: Ok, so look. Clearly, I disgust you or something. So here.
Hyde: What's this?
Jackie: It's your stuff. A pair of your socks, an extra pair of sunglasses. And that grey sweater you let me wear when I got cold at the movies.
Hyde: (looking serious): Jackie, c'mere. Sit down a minute. (she sits next to him on the couch) Look, do you want to end this?
Jackie: Do you?
Hyde: I asked you first.
Jackie: No you didn't
Hyde: Yes, I did.
Jackie: No! I don't! Okay? But clearly you do. You're avoiding me, you don't want to kiss me.
Hyde: Jackie, it's not about the kissing. It's about the other stuff.
Jackie: So we're sleeping together now! It doesn't have to change everything!
Hyde: No it doesn't. But it DID. That's my point.
Jackie: What do you mean?
Hyde: I mean, you used to want to DO stuff with me. I mean, obnoxious as that Abba concert could have been, you asked me.
Jackie: I took Fez.
Hyde: I know. I am just saying.. you've gotta see me as more than just a smokingly hot boyfriend. (smirks) I know that's hard.
Jackie: No! I do! Spending time with you is great. It's just, we've done it now. Look, I just. I don't want what happened to me and Michael to happen to us.
Hyde: You're worried I'll cheat on you with Laurie? (incredulous) That's sick babe.
Jackie: No! I mean, I'm worried I won't be enough for you. um, you know.. and that you'll look elsewhere. for some OTHER WHORE who is better at the whore-type things.
Hyde: (gently amused): Jackie, look, contrary to what Michael might have told you, but guys DO like doing other stuff. And believe me, I absolutely have no complaints as far as you and me. but you have tons of delinquent potential like, we could go egg a house together..
Jackie: That could be cool.
Hyde: (more serious) Point is, you're hot. And I like being .. hot.. with you, but woman you're wearing me out. You don't have to do that to keep me around. Let's just, spend time, and if things go that way, they go that way.
Jackie: (beaming): Really, Stephen?
Hyde: Yeah, really. I mean, throw some my way now and again.
Jackie: Yeah, duh, try to get me not to.
Hyde: Cool. So we're ok?
Jackie: We're ok.
Jackie tentatively leans over, as if she's not sure if it's ok. Hyde pulls her to him and they kiss.
Eric, Donna, Fez, Kelso: (from the basement stairs) AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Hyde turns around annoyed.
Hyde: This isn't the zoo, you morons.. Nothing to see here! (He throws a pillow at them)
Jackie and Hyde settle in on the couch.
THE END.
Steamed up windows of the El Camino. Inside the car you see flailing limbs.
Hyde: Jackie, um Jackie? (attempts to sit up, she pulls him back down. Jackie does a primal grunt. Hyde's head bobs back into view)
Don't think I don't appreciate that. (he sits up, her still wrapped around him like human Velcro) Jackie, could you.. 'cause I need to think and it's hard to do that.
Jackie: (sitting back, exasperated) What is it Stephen?
Hyde: Well. don't you think that we should. I don't know.. do something else?....(pauses and makes a disgusted face) Did I just SAY that?
Jackie: Are you bored with me Stephen? (laughs) No wait.. what am I thinking? I'm hot!
Hyde: No.. definitely NOT bored. It's just. Damn Jackie, I bought lip balm the other day., .. And, down time is good too. I mean, don't get me wrong, this being with you stuff is hot . and THIS will still be happening.
Jackie: Um, DUH. So, what do you want to do?
Hyde: Well, I don't know. maybe.. talk? Crap! Who is SAYING this stuff?
Jackie: (sighs loudly) FINE Stephen, we can talk. What do you want to talk about?
Hyde: Um. Well. I saw that Aerosmith is coming to Green Bay.
(Jackie lunges across the car at Hyde, kissing him. he is clearly taken by surprise)
Jackie: (quickly) This now, talk later.
Hyde gives in as most teenage guys would when faced with such a pleasant option.
In front of the Foreman's house, Fez, Kelso, Eric and Donna are playing basketball. Kelso is attempting to shoot a foul shot.
Fez: (taunting Kelso, trying to distract him): Hey batter batter batter.. Swing..
Donna: Fez, that's baseball.
Fez: batter batter batter batter batter batter batter batter batter batter
Kelso: Shut UP man! (Kelso makes the shot) Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! See Fez, you can try to distract me, but I am the MAN when it comes to basketball!
Eric: Actually, you kind of shoot like a girl. (Kelso makes gasping annoyed noise)
Donna: Eric! (hits him) Don't insult women everywhere.
Fez: (to Kelso) I believe, you sir should get some Aloe for your BURN.
Donna: Good one Fez.
Hyde approaches, wearing a coat, buttoned up to the neck that it is clearly too warm to be wearing.
Eric: Well if it isn't that mountain man I ordered from the Sears catalog. (pause) if I ordered men, which I don't.. (Donna looks at him).. 'cause I like girls. Nevermind.
Donna: Hey Hyde, what's up with the coat?
Hyde: Nothin's up, it's just a little cold out. Sorta.
Fez: You are sweating. And it is not pretty.
Kelso: (laughing) Dude, why didn't you just wear a turtleneck? (pulls down edge of coat, revealing a large bruise on his neck)
Eric (laughing): Did the Hickey Fairy give somebody a visit last night?
Donna: (delighted) Jackie gave you a hickey?? Let me see! (going for the coat)
Hyde: (Slapping away her hands) Get off!
Donna: I still can't believe Jackie gave you a hickey. She doesn't seem the type.
Fez: That is because beneath the surface all ladies want sweet love from men. Mostly men with accents. That like candy. (smiling) Whoooo do we knoooow with an accent. that likes candy?
Kelso: Yeah, Jackie's sort of a shy flower. And the best way to get a flower to blossom, is dump lots of fertilizer on it. So, I mean, you gotta just keep asking and asking and asking, to get her to let you DO anything. And man, she'll act like she's just giving in to shut you up, but then.. you get to DO stuff. So it's ok.
Hyde (giving him a disgusted look): Shy flower my ass! She's all over me man, I'm getting dehydrated here.
(They all laugh)
Donna: Ouch Kelso! Buuuurn!
Fez: Apparently Kelso could not stoke the fire of Jackie's loins. She likes to cling to Hyde like a lamprey of love.
Kelso: Hey! Just because I couldn't get her to do it with me sometimes didn't mean she didn't WANT to do it. All girls always want to do it. They're just tricky. They hold out 'cause they don't want to look easy. Don't you people read cosmo?
Hyde: (flatly) No, do you?
Kelso: (defensive) I don't BUY it. GOD! I'm not a chick! I just read it at the beauty shop when they're feathering my hair.
Eric: What I think Michelle means here is that Jackie doesn't mind if you think she's easy Hyde! Enjoy! Man, that's gotta be cool being with someone (Donna glares at him) who doesn't um. respect herself.. or something feminist.
Donna: Maybe Hyde just knows what to do to GET a girl to want to do it!
Hyde: (self satisfied smirk) Yeah, I'm the master. (scowl) But man, I need a nap or something, who knew cheerleaders were so much work? (saracastic) She's taking years off my life man.
Fez: But what a way to go! Why do some people cry about their woman giving them too much love when some of us have no loving at all?
Hyde: Fez-
Fez: NO LOVE
Eric: Hey Hyde, here comes the lamprey herself.
Hyde: Crap. You didn't see me (Heads off into the Foreman house)
Jackie: Hi, have you all seen Stephen?
Donna: Um, so Jackie, how's it going?
Jackie: Good! My hair is looking especially shiny today.
Kelso (swaggering up): Um, yeah it does. So, are all you -uh- needs, being met?
Jackie (confused): Well, no.
Kelso: Cause I'd like to help you out, you know, for old times sake
Jackie: (beaming) Thanks Michael! (reaches into pocket) here's the ticket to my dry cleaning. Be sure to make sure they got the pleats straight. Otherwise it makes me look bunchy and shows fat where there isn't any. (pause)and that's just WRONG! (she smiles and walks off.)
Everyone laughs
Kelso: Dry cleaning is VERY SPECIAL okay? And just because I'm not her boyfriend anymore and there's no way I am going to get anything from doing this (realization hits) MAN!!! (stomps off)
Kitty and Red are in the living room. Red is wearing a sweater and Eric is coming through the kitchen door. Kitty is wearing skirt and short sleeved shirt. She is fanning herself with a Japanese fan.
Eric: I can see my breath in here
Red: Don't ask.
Kitty: It's so hot in here! But this is all NORMAL. I am going through the change-of-life where my menstrual cycle has stopped, so the hormones..
(guys react)
Eric: MOM!
Red: Christ Kitty!
Kitty: And though I won't be able to have any more children and my body has pretty much sent a signal that I no longer am needed as a parent. (sighs heavily) it doesn't mean (sniffs) I am no longer a woman (crying).
(Kitty leaves the room)
Eric: Is Mom ok?
Red: It's been like this all day. She's up! She's down! It's like a damn rollercoaster around here.
Eric: Dad, don't you think you need to be a bit more sensitive?
Red: Eric, sensitivity is for schmucks. (softening) Look, your mother is wonderful, but if we cater to these crazy mood swings she's having then we're all going to have crazy moods. And then we might as well be living in a house full of sorority girls.
Eric: That wouldn't be so bad.. pillow fights and pajama parties (smiles dreamily)
Red: Go do your homework, you pervert.
Eric: Like I can study now!
Eric exits
Kitty enters
Kitty: I made us some ice tea! Would you like some more ice in it?
Red: No, that's ok.. I think there's an icicle or two hanging from my nose.
Kitty: HA HA! Oh Red, I'm sorry for all this (starts to scrunch her face up as if about to cry)
Red: Now now! None of that Kitty! (Smiles) You sure look, um.. pretty today.
Kitty: Really? You think so? (brightening) You know, I bought myself something pretty you might like to see... (flirting)
Red: Kitty, the boy is home..
Kitty: It's ok, I'm probably going to start crying any minute any way! HA HA! These mood swings. One minute I'm frigid and crying, the next minute I'm hot-to-trot.
Red: Wait! This is because of um, your lady stuff?
Kitty: Yes Red, and it's all very natural.
Red: And it could wear off soon?
Kitty: (quickly) At any minute.
Red: Let's go! (They laugh and run upstairs)
Later on, in Kitty and Red's bedroom.
Kitty: Oh Red, I just feel so much better! Ha Ha!
Red: (smiling, so proud) Well, that makes two of us Kitty.
Kitty: So. (smiles)
Red: Um, sure. ok.
Later in Kitty and Red's room Red looks tired, and also looks like he's had enough.
Kitty: Well I feel just great! I am going to get some water. (she bounces off towards the bedroom)
Red: (wheezing) Take your time. No rush! I CAN WAIT!
Kitty: Don't go anywhere!
Red starts sneaking out of the bedroom.
Kitty: Where are you going?
Red: Um, I was going to go.. to the garage. to.. um..
Kitty: I thought we were going to have a magical time?
Red: We have. More than once! It's been magical all the freaking day Kitty!
Kitty: Have you not been having fun?
Red: Kitty, a man can only be -uh- a magician for so long. We could do something else? Maybe see a movie...?
Kitty: It's my darn hormones Red.. it seems like this keeps me happy. I mean, it always keeps me happy.. but this makes me extra happy.
Red: Yes, well.. have you considered knitting? Or um?
Kitty: Do you not find me desirable anymore Red?
Red: No. I mean, I do. (nervous) But Kitty, dammit just because you're body's wacky doesn't mean I should have to suffer.
Kitty gasps and runs out of the room. Red realizes what he has said.
Red: Oh crap.
Inside the kitchen Hyde is eating a sandwich. He sees Jackie enter from the slider he crouches down behind the counter by the fridge. Jackie enters from the living room (after evidentally going through the back door in the basement and going around the house she sees him, smiles, and sneaks up behind him
Jackie: Boo!
Hyde jumps. Looks defeated.
Hyde: Hi Jackie (backs up against counter)
Jackie: Stephen.. I missed you (singsongy and approaching)
Hyde: I'm so glad (singsongy) So, do you want to go to a movie?
Jackie: We could sit in the back! In the dark! Oh Stephen!
Hyde: Yeah. So, no then.. look Jackie.(she starts touching his shirt) I like this thing we have going.
Jackie: Me too. Kiss me.
Hyde: Damn it! Listen to me Jackie.
Jackie: (shocked): What?
Hyde:: You're all over me, constantly. And you'd think I'd never have a problem with that. And I shouldn't, because you're cute. But I do. Ok? Why do you think I was hiding behind the counter?
Jackie: Are you avoiding me?
Hyde: No, I'm just going where you aren't. Look, things don't have to be all the way every time.
Jackie: You've been acting weird. Is our lovemaking-
Hyde: Ok, from now on, we're calling it something else.
Jackie: I want to express my love for you Stephen.
Hyde: We've expressed it all over the greater Kenosha area!
Jackie: Well.. do you have something else in mind?
Hyde: Anything else! Concerts! Movies! Hell, at this point even shopping! You see what you're doing to me woman?
Jackie: I don't feel like shopping Stephen.
Hyde: You don't. YOU don't feel like shopping? Thank God. Well, what um, do you feel like?
Jackie pounces on Hyde. There is a complicated twist as Stephen tries to back away and she keeps advancing. Eventually he's bent over the kitchen counter struggling as she's kissing him and she's hanging from him her legs kicking in the air.
Red enters with Eric.
Red: Good Christ! People EAT in here!
Eric: Well, not any more.. Jackie jumps down and looks guilty.
Jackie: Mr. Foreman.. I am so..
Red: Why can't you kids at least HIDE it from us? We don't need to see that! Hanky Panky has no place around cutlery!
Eric: Ooh, yeah that could cause a nasty accident.
Jackie: So, Stephen.. I'll call you.. I have to go home anyhow..
Eric: Begone, you Jezebel.
Jackie glares at Eric.
Hyde: (clearly he's annoyed by her actions) Yeah, later.
Jackie tries to make eye contact with Hyde and exits.
Red glares at Hyde. Eric smiles.
Red: This isn't wild America, we don't just carry on like two wildebeest in rutting season! Especially in the kitchen!
Hyde: Sorry Red. Look, she's after me all the time!
Red: (skeptical) Really. SHE'S after YOU
Hyde: I'm serious man! She is! It's like she's some sort of ANIMAL.
Eric: Hear him out Dad, I mean.. Jackie DID date Kelso, so fundamentally something's gotta be kooky upstairs. (with pride) and Hyde seems to have found it.
Hyde: Well, how do I lose it?
Jackie, Donna, Kitty are at the Foreman's kitchen table in the circle eating ice cream.
Jackie: I'm not asking too much! Just that he worship me and bend to my every whim!
Donna: Yeah that's not too much. (laughs) I can't believe you gave him a hickey.
Kitty: Ohh, that's so unsanitary. Cause a hickey.. is a bruise. It's not romantic! Now Red, he's romantic. His smile, that manly gleam in his eye (she digs into the ice cream) the bastard!
Jackie: So Stephen's like 'You're hot!' and now he's not giving it up! Why won't he give it up? He's acting like a girl! Do you know how many guys would love to touch me? The fact I am letting him is a gift! It's like someone buying you a pony! And then saying "no I don't want it" WHO DOES THAT?
Fez: You are all beautiful ladies and any man who does not want to pleasure you is crazy. And I would keep your pony Jackie. Ooh, goomy bears. (puts them on his sundae)
Donna: You know Jackie, you're being sort of bossy it could just be that Hyde wants to do OTHER stuff!
Jackie: But he's a GUY! Guy's don't want to do other stuff. They just want to do it! I might as well start calling him Heidi!
Kitty: Oh honey, that's not true. Men have many interests besides intercourse. (bitter) Like football for instance..
Jackie: Mrs. Foreman, let me give you some advice..look I've dated a lot of guys and trust me they always want to do it. Unless your ugly. Then they want to do it with your friends.
Fez: This is true.
Jackie: And I am NOT bossy. I just want everything MY WAY. At all times. When I say so. I think that's reasonable. Besides, I know Stephen agrees with me, I can read his mind. We're very connected. Soulmates agree on everything, so one soulmate just tells the other one what to do. And that's what I do See?
Kitty: I just want romance. That's all. Is that too much to ask? I am a woman! I want to be recognized as one.
Fantasy Sequence, women's voices imitating the guys.
Kitty is cooking in the kitchen. Red walks in, in uniform.
Red: Say dollface, you've been working far too hard. So I've gotten a maid!
Kitty: Yayy!
Red: And, we're going to that romantic French restaurant I always said I hated!
Kitty: Oh Red, I don't deserve all this. And it's Sunday! What about football!
Red: I hate football! After the restaurant we're going to the ballet! And when we get home I want to give you anything you need!
Kitty: Oh Red!!
End fantasy sequence.
Donna: No offense Mrs. Foreman, but I can't see Red at the ballet. I think the pink tights would scare him away.
Jackie: Screw the ballet. I just want Hyde to find me desirable. And to give me what I want. Any time I want it.
Fantasy sequence. Jackie is wearing a princess dress and Hyde is entering on a horse.
Hyde: Good day m'lady! Would you like to go flowerpicking with me?
Jackie: Screw that. I want you to go to my royal chambers
Hyde: But m'lady, wouldn't that compromise your maidenly virtue?
Jackie: (cheerfully) It's already BEEN compromised!
Hyde: Smashing! (Picks her up and skips off to the bedroom)
Fantasy end. Jackie smiles dreamily at the table.
Kitty: Oh sweetie, that so.. so. well, sad.
Donna: So you want Hyde to be a slutty prince?
Jackie: Um, DUH! Donna! I don't ask much.
Fez: I know what I wish.
Fantasy sequence. Disco music is playing. Fez in out on the floor dancing up a storm. Jackie dances up to him.
Jackie: Wow, you're the coolest Fez. I'm double jointed and I'm easy!
Fez: How nice for me!
Kitty dances up
Kitty: Fez is going with me! And don't make me fight for him, I'll win. He needs an experienced woman!
Fez: Ladies, ladies. There is enough of Fez to go around.
They smile, happy about being with Fez. Then Donna walks up dressed like a police officer.
Donna: I'm sorry you're under arrest.. for being so.. SEXY!
She proceeds to handcuff Fez and start to strip. Fantasy Fez smiles happily.
End Fantasy Sequence. All the women are glaring. Fez is smiling.
Fez: What? No?.. (realizing he's in trouble) Ayyy.
The Living room, Kitty is sitting at the table. Knitting. Red enters with flowers.
Red: Hi Kitty, um.. what are you doing there.
Kitty: Knitting Red! You know, because that's a great substitute for physical intimacy. Ha Ha! I've almost made a sweater, which I won't wear. because it's too hot. Ha ha ha!
Red: Look Kitty, I know you're going through a rough thing right now. And believe me, I 'm trying to understand. But do you remember how every Thanksgiving we get a big turkey?
Kitty: Oh, be careful with this one Red.
Red: Hear me out. Now, after Thanksgiving we eat turkey for weeks and weeks and weeks. And then eventually, the last thing you want is turkey!
Kitty: Is one of us a turkey here?
Red: Forget the turkey. Kitty, I love you. But these hormones of yours are driving me crazy. One minute you're ready to put a Do Not Disturb sign on the door and the next you're angry at me. And maybe I'm a dumbass, but I just can't follow it all the time.
Kitty: (smiling) You are a dumbass you know. And I'm sorry I've been this way. I guess I just found something that made me feel more like myself.. and so I probably almost threw your back out again.
Red: Damn near did (chuckling) Look, I'll try my best to understand, if you try your best not to kill me. How's that sound?
Kitty: That sounds wonderful! Oh, Red. (they kiss) Red?
Red: Yes.
Kitty: Would you ever go to the ballet?
Red: Like hell. But how about I take you out for dinner and a movie?
Kitty: Oh, well that's ok too! (smiles and they cuddle up)
In the basement. Hyde, Kelso, Fez, Donna and Eric are hanging out.
Eric: So, Heidi, still wanting to "talk"?
(the guys all snicker)
Hyde: Shut up, Foreskin.
Donna: (punches Eric's arm) Talking is good. I thought you LIKED talking.
Eric: And I do Donna. But if you were all over me, I don't think I'd be ABLE to talk.
Donna: (smiling) Yeah, I'm pretty hot.
Kelso: Dude, I just wanna know how you can sit there and be like (mimicking a girl) "No no, please don't touch me!" I'd be like TOUCH ME WOMAN!
Hyde: Go touch yourself.
Eric: See, Kelso.. not only does Jackie want Hyde MORE than she wanted you, but Hyde's keeping her at bay. She must be so angry. (smiles) this is great!
Kelso: See, I say.. just do it. And if you get tired.. fall asleep. And if she tries to wake you up. Keep sleeping. Unless her parents show up. Then run man, RUN LIKE THE WIND.
Hyde: Look, fact is, Jackie wants me. And that's cool. But all the time, it messes with your mind man, and if I give in on this it'll be like giving away your brain to her. And then she'll change it. And give it back. Before you know it, I'll be like Foreman.
Eric: Hey!.. well, yeah.. ok.
Fez: I want to give away my brain.
Donna: Just talk to her Hyde.. Jackie's not unreasonable. No, wait that's not Jackie, that's someone else.
Door of basement opens, Jackie enters carrying a box. She looks serious.
Jackie: Stephen, I need to talk to you.
Eric: Don't you mean "at" him?
Jackie glares at him
Donna: C'mon Eric, let's go. not talk
Eric smiles and follows.
Kelso and Fez smile and look expectantly at Jackie and Hyde
Hyde: Hey, hosers! GO!
Kelso: You don't scare me Hyde!
Hyde starts towards him and Kelso falls all over running out the door.
Fez : (smiling politely) Good day.
Jackie: Ok, so look. Clearly, I disgust you or something. So here.
Hyde: What's this?
Jackie: It's your stuff. A pair of your socks, an extra pair of sunglasses. And that grey sweater you let me wear when I got cold at the movies.
Hyde: (looking serious): Jackie, c'mere. Sit down a minute. (she sits next to him on the couch) Look, do you want to end this?
Jackie: Do you?
Hyde: I asked you first.
Jackie: No you didn't
Hyde: Yes, I did.
Jackie: No! I don't! Okay? But clearly you do. You're avoiding me, you don't want to kiss me.
Hyde: Jackie, it's not about the kissing. It's about the other stuff.
Jackie: So we're sleeping together now! It doesn't have to change everything!
Hyde: No it doesn't. But it DID. That's my point.
Jackie: What do you mean?
Hyde: I mean, you used to want to DO stuff with me. I mean, obnoxious as that Abba concert could have been, you asked me.
Jackie: I took Fez.
Hyde: I know. I am just saying.. you've gotta see me as more than just a smokingly hot boyfriend. (smirks) I know that's hard.
Jackie: No! I do! Spending time with you is great. It's just, we've done it now. Look, I just. I don't want what happened to me and Michael to happen to us.
Hyde: You're worried I'll cheat on you with Laurie? (incredulous) That's sick babe.
Jackie: No! I mean, I'm worried I won't be enough for you. um, you know.. and that you'll look elsewhere. for some OTHER WHORE who is better at the whore-type things.
Hyde: (gently amused): Jackie, look, contrary to what Michael might have told you, but guys DO like doing other stuff. And believe me, I absolutely have no complaints as far as you and me. but you have tons of delinquent potential like, we could go egg a house together..
Jackie: That could be cool.
Hyde: (more serious) Point is, you're hot. And I like being .. hot.. with you, but woman you're wearing me out. You don't have to do that to keep me around. Let's just, spend time, and if things go that way, they go that way.
Jackie: (beaming): Really, Stephen?
Hyde: Yeah, really. I mean, throw some my way now and again.
Jackie: Yeah, duh, try to get me not to.
Hyde: Cool. So we're ok?
Jackie: We're ok.
Jackie tentatively leans over, as if she's not sure if it's ok. Hyde pulls her to him and they kiss.
Eric, Donna, Fez, Kelso: (from the basement stairs) AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Hyde turns around annoyed.
Hyde: This isn't the zoo, you morons.. Nothing to see here! (He throws a pillow at them)
Jackie and Hyde settle in on the couch.
THE END.