CHAPTER 1 "Finding Yourself"
In life there are times when you don't really understand your purpose in life and you don't know if you even want there to be. When you think life is bad something else happens to make your life even worse. You can't escape the day to live in the night, you can't imagine your life anymore upside down then it is in that instant. But then sometimes it does become more of a mess and you like it, like the way it makes you wonder if it is right or wrong. It is exhilarating! It is an ongoing battle to live life the way you want. I am just a girl that is caught in the middle of it all and to understand I'm gona take a little trip in time to show you why.
Buffy felt her heart pounding and it felt like her chest was going to explode. She felt like screaming but the words caught in her throat. She knew Willow and Xander would try to help her but she wouldn't bring herself to look weak in front of them. They have been her friends ever since she and her family moved to Sunnydale. She had saved their lives many of times and cried on their shoulders very few. She sobbed and she felt as thought she could not breathe. She felt the tears course down her cheeks and falling to the ground.
She pulled herself from the trance that had overwhelmed her and started walking. She had no idea where she was going but she needed to go somewhere and the graveyard is just where she found herself. Images of her mother laying under the ground in this graveyard made her cringe. She felt her lungs burning and she was gasping for breath.
Her legs felt weak and she felt like she was going to fall to the ground and die. She didn't know if she even wanted to live. Her life was turning into a living hell and she didn't know if she could withstand the trials that would come to pass in the next days.
Life was a torturous thing for the slayer but it was even harder for Buffy than most. Most slayers didn't care for sister, friends, and the world. The world rested upon her shoulders as it did with all the previous slayers but the responsibilities that she carried were not.
She tried to calm herself and it didn't work it just seemed to make it harder for her to stand. She wiped her eyes and she saw rows and rows of graves. Her mother would soon be resting like all the people that inhabited the graves. She felt her body beginning to shake and she leaned against a crypt for balance.
She needed to be held, she needed to be comforted, and she needed to forget. She looked around and she saw the old worn crypt that one vampire named Spike lived in. She stumbled over and hit the door forcefully. The door swung open and she smelt cigarettes and vodka in the dry stale air.
"Buffy come in. What's the matter?" Spike asked moving aside letting her inter the crypt.
"I know I'm suppost to be strong and be there for everyone but I can't! I just found my mom laying there and she was icy and cold. I couldn't do anything! I was born to save the universe and I couldn't even save my own mother! I've saved millions of lives or more and I couldn't even save the most important person in my life! I don't know what to do Spike. You are my enemy and yet here I am crying on your shoulder like the little girl I feel like!" Buffy Ann Summers cried.
"Slayer, I know your hurting and I understand but you need to tell me what is bothering you even more than the death of your mum." Spike whispered motioning for her to sit next to him on the couch.
"My dad he will try to take Dawn away and I don't know what to do. She is the only piece of my mother I have left. If she is taken away from me I think I would die! My life is just wrong. Tell me what to do, seriously just tell me, I need to know because I'm completely lost." Buffy cried taking the seat next to her enemy
"Buffy I'm really sorry I had no idea what you were going through and I acted like a wanker. I don't really know what to tell you except I think it will work out. I mean your dad couldn't pass the puppy dog eyes. You are one tough girl to beat and when it comes to Dawn I don't think you are going to lose." He explained rubbing her back soothingly trying to make the slayer feel better.
"You don't know my dad, he is one hard person to handle. I remember when I was out late with my friends and I lost track of time and stayed out till 3:30, it was five hours pass my curfew. I came in and he was setting on the stairs. I tried to pretend I didn't know what time it really was and give him a hug goodnight but he really didn't fall for it. He told me that my curfew was going to be an hour earlier, I was grounded for five weeks (one for every hour I was gone), I had to inform him where I was going and who I was with when I got home and I had to call him every hour I was gone telling him what my plans were for a month. Not to mention he was going to give me more information on my punishment after that was over." She remembered smiling at how well that memory had stayed intact.
"Doesn't sound like it was very appealing at all. He sounds like the real ideal pain in the ass. So are you really sure he is gona try and take Nibblet away?" Spike asked concern evident in his piercing blue eyes.
"When they got the divorce the deal was that mom had custody of us untill she died or we turned eighteen. He will try to take her and I don't know what to do. I feel like a piece of me is lost and that is my mother and if I lose Dawn there will be a bigger space inside of me that I can never fill or at least I have no idea how to. I'm scared and I don't know what to feel, do, or even if I should take the memories and feelings and hide them in the depths of my heart and let my dad take her. If I let her go she will be away from the Hellmouth and the evil creatures that inhabits it, but then I wouldn't be able to protect her from the evil creatures in L.A." Buffy cried out flinging her arms around his neck and berring her face in the crook of his neck.
"Shh it's okay just let it all out. It will all be okay and it will work out. Shh, I promise I will protect Dawn and you. You might be my enemy but I won't let anyone hurt you because I'm the only one that is allowed to do that and that sure is hell isn't me." Spike cooed into her ear and she curled closer into his arms and her crying lessened.
"I just don't know what to do. I'm scared as hell and that is saying something because we are standing right on the Hellmouth! I am just so confused right now and I just need to get some kind of closer and I am just so alone!"
"You are never alone Buffy. I am always right here. I will never leave you when you need somebody. I will do whatever you need done because. you are my friend. I don't want you sad so why would I not be there?" Spike said soothingly why he took in her scent and the very essence of mixed emotions that encircled her. He wanted nothing more than for to be happy and for everything to be all right, he hated her being sad because when she is sad all he ever wants to do in encircle her in his cold arms and hold her until the pain subsided. He was becoming a real softie when it came to his slayer.
"Do you think mom knew he would try to take Dawn away from me? She couldn't have, could she? She wouldn't leave me alone." Buffy asked more silent tears falling down her cheeks
"I think she knew, but she didn't expect anything to happen to her so she wouldn't have even thought about mentioning it to you and Nibblet. Your mum wouldn't purposely lay this burden upon you, you know it's true." He said softly putting an arm around Buffy pulling her closer to his chest.
Buffy snuggled closer to him letting him comfort her. "Thanks for understanding Spike, you were the only person I thought I could talk to and not seem like a baby. I don't know why but I think we kinda understand each other."
"We do understand each other slayer, well we have always been each others equals. You know what I mean we don't need to keep secrets because what won't we understand that the other is going through?" He replied resting his chin on the top of Buffy's head.
"Nothing. Well maybe I don't know what is like to have the vampiric erges or the manly erges, but you don't know what it is like to have womanly erges or slayer duties. Rather than that I think we know each other very well." She responded smiling slightly at the lightness in her chest.
"Feel better?" Spike mumbled looking into her beautiful green eyes that sparkled like diamonds in the poor lighting of the crypt.
"I really do. I think I just wana stay here a little bit longer if that is all right." She said her voice hoarse from sobbing.
"Spike did you kill your mother?" She asked a moment later then cringed at how wrong it was to bring up the subject of his long dead mother.
"No, she was the only thing I ever protected. My sire killed her. She didn't even scream she just let the pain overwhelm her and excepted her fate. I just watched and didn't even try to stop it. I guess it was just as bad as doing it myself, I still have the blood on my hands. I have a lot of blood on my hands." He whispered a longing in his voice that could only come with regret and pain.
"Do you wish you had done something to stop him from killing her?" She asked
"No, she was really sick and going through a lot of pain. At least that way she didn't suffer as much. It would be a real mental breakdown if I kept wondering the what ifs. My mind is already a mess I don't need to screw it up anymore than it already is." He replied a single tear rolling down his pale cheek. He quickly wiped it off so it wouldn't be seen, he was not one that wanted to seem weak.
"You don't have to hide the tears with me William. You can see what your feeling just by looking into your eyes. Your eyes are the gateway to your soul. And yes I said your soul." Buffy responded
"You called me William. It's been years since anyone called me that and gosh I didn't even know you knew that my real name was William." He whispered smiling slightly.
"I know a lot of things about you that you don't know. I know that your biological father is Liam Deverx a.k.a. Angel. Your mom was Mary and they used to call her Sister Mary because she was always really nice, gentle, and kind. You had one sister and her name was Felicity. You and your sister would always read by the fire and talk before bed." She said a big smile spreading across her lips. "My life was so boring! I like life now I do whatever I want when I want to and don't have to ask for permission to do it. I live a very comfortable life but if I got a choice I would change a couple if things that I am not going to tell anyone about because I don't want anyone to know at the present time." Spike mumbled
"Bet you didn't know anybody still knew that about you anymore. I listened when Willow was telling me all the soft history about you, it tells you everything about you in the Watchers diaries. They have to you killed two slayers in your lifetime and that is more than most ever kill not to mention at such a young age. You are kinda like a vampire celebrity." Buffy reminded him.
"You are not suppose to know all that about me. Know you know how much of a Poof I was when I was alive. That isn't a good thing for anyone to know let alone the slayer. Your gonna use this against me one of these days to get me to do something." He predicted
"Yea probably but can you blame me? I'm a girl that is kinda what I do I find out stuff about people and use it against them. It is actually a pretty good setup, mom taught it to me." She said another wave of tears racking through her body at the reminder of her mother and what would come to pass now that she was gone.
"Shh, Buffy please don't cry. I know even the slightest reminder of her can hurt now but it will get better. This will all go away no matter how hard it seems right now but it will. They leave but something will take her place in a way and make you forget." He soothed taking a necklace out of his pocket. He placed it around her neck.
"What's this?" She asked running her fingers over the ruby necklace that was in the shape of a moon.
"I came across it about a hundred years ago and the person that sold it to me said that it was a healing stone that was made by one of the most powerful witches. I keep it thinking it might do me some good and it did so I believe it will help you. Please try it and if it works keep it if it doesn't keep it anyway." He whispered whipping the tears off of her face with a gentle touch.
"Thanks, I don't know what to say except that is very thoughtful of you." Buffy whispered trying to cough back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her once again.
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"Dawnie please don't cry. Shh it will be okay I promise. I know it hurts but it will subside." Willow whispered into the youngest Summers ear hoping it would make her feel better, while she made a silent prayer to the goddess asking her to heal the teenagers soul.
"Will, how is she doing? Is she any better?" Xander asked walking into the room that contained the upset women that were huddled into a ball holding each other.
"She is getting better, I just hope Buffy gets home from slaying soon, I think Dawn just wants her big sis here with her." Willow responded pulling Xander into the sobbing hug.
"Dawn do you think you can stay with Xander while I make all of us some hot chocolate?" She asked pulling Dawn's head up to look at her.
"Yea!" She croaked out flinging her arms around Xander in the same manner she had Willow.
"Go on Will she will be okay without you for a couple of minutes. She doesn't care who is holding her just as long as someone is." He whispered so only Willow could here him.
"Okay." She responded walking out of the room. "I'll be back in a minute."
"She'll be fine Will, promise. She is with me now, everything is gonna get better." Xander responded giving her a loving smile.
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"Buffy are you okay? If not you van stay here all night but I think your friends would ask questions and you wouldn't want to tell them you were with me so you better go if you don't want to answer there questions." He replied trying to be helpful by making her go back to the people she wasn't embarrassed about being with. That very fact hurt him in places that he thought couldn't feel anything except hate anymore, his heart.
"I don't wanna go yet. Just let me stay here a little bit longer." She whispered yawning and laying her head back in his lap.
"Buffy as much as I want to hold you right now and as much as I want you to stay, if you stay you are gonna go to sleep and be really pissed at me for not making you go home." He responded even though he didn't want to say it, he wanted to hold her in his arms and make the hurt go away, he wanted to make her the Buffy that she was before Joyce had died.
"I won't get mad so just let me sleep and don't worry about it." She mumbled tiredly.
"Can I get that in writing?" He asked a smile spreading across his lips.
"In the morning." She replied then her eyes shut as she fell into sleep.
"I will get my ass kicked in the morning not that comment in writing. As much as I like holding her I really have to stop and think if I really want to let her stay or not, but then I remember when she is not in pain I don't even exist so I think I will take the consequences." He whispered rubbing his fingers through his hair and taking a not needed breath. "Until the morning I will be a happy vampire.
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"Buffy should be home now." Dawn whispered to herself in the confinement of her dark room. "She probably went somewhere that would make her feel better. I don't know who that is anymore but she definitely went somewhere. I wish I would have been able to go to the person that makes me feel better. Spike would know exactly how to make me feel better, he always does. I think it is because he has been through almost every torment imaginable. He is really a strong willed guy. It must be hard to watch everything close to you die or leave you alone why he still lives. I hate watching anybody die but to know that it is just gonna keep happening and everyone you ever love, Everyone you will ever care about will just pass into the next place why you just stay there. Even thinking about it makes me sick." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Buffy you have to wake up now it's light outside and you know they are worried about you. You have been here all night." Spike whispered running a cold hand along her cheek.
" Oh my gosh! They are gonna kill me! I am late, really late!" She screamed getting up in a panic.
"It's okay they won't be up yet. You can just sneak in the window and pull the I got in late, you just didn't hear me thing." He added thoughtfully handing her jacket to her softly.
"I could kill you for letting me stay that late!" She screamed pulling the jacket onto her shoulders.
"You told me to let you sleep so I did. You also said you would put it into writing that it was your fault you are still here now. Don't worry about who is to blame and just get home before anybody gets up!" He ordered pushing her outside the crypt.
"Your right I need to go!" She mumbled then turning around and running in the direction of her house.
"They are gonna kill me and then I am gonna come back to haunt Spike for making me be late! Okay it's my fault but he shouldn't have listened to me in the first place, so that makes it his fault like always!" She mentally argued with her conscious. "It really is his fault and I am just gonna keep telling myself that until I actually believe it. It will work. It has to because I am not apologizing to Spike for yelling at him. He is a vampire and I am the slayer. I kill his kind not apologize to it! It is against the rules of slayerixm." She tried to convince herself.
She climbed in the window and carefully changed into her pajamas and made the bed look messy and walked into the bathroom to mess up her hair and then she would get a shower just to act and look normal. It was the oldest trick the parents into thinking you made curfew trick, it had to work on friend and sisters too.
"Hey Dawn your up early. Are have you never went to sleep?" Buffy asked softly.
"Well I heard your water running and I decided to get up. And you don't have to worry I made a lot of noise in your room last night so they thought you came in late." Dawn said smiling at her sisters surprised look.
"You really are like me, and that really isn't a good thing because being like me gets you into trouble." She mumbled pouring orange juice into two glasses.
"Well I watched you when you were pulling it and decided if it worked for you it would work for me." She responded
"Well you made one mistake." Buffy whispered slyly stepping closer to her sister.
"And that would be what?" She asked taking a step away from her sister.
"Well that is a secret between me, myself, and I. But I will tell you one thing, you are gonna be in so much trouble if you ever try that on me!" She threatened.
" Remind me not to tell you when I do it then." Dawn said with a sly gleam in her eye.
" You are the hardest person to get along with I swear!" She yelled "I should ground you and make you wish you had never said that! But I won't because if I did I would have to explain my actions."
"I guess I win then. Remind me to always win." She added smugly
"Dawn I am giving you three minutes to get out of my face before I remind you what slayer strength really is!" Buffy sweared
"You do that and I will tell everyone that you were gone all night and I swear I will find out where you were and I promise it won't be a pretty site!" Dawn retaliated cleansing her fists into balls.
"You are impossible! I don't know howI ever got along with you! You are acting like a total bitch!" She yelled causing Willow to wake up and run down the stairs.
"What's the matter? Are you all okay?" She asked in a shaky voice
"Yea will, everything is okay me and Dawn were just having a little argument." Buffy replied walking up the stairs.
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"Don't Luv it's all right. You were just a little upset. There's nothing wrong with that." He whispered
"Yea I know that but I am suppose to kill you not lay sobbing in your arms." She sobbed adding sexy to her description of him silently.
"You can kill me after you stop crying." Spike said into her ear.
"But don't really want to kill you I just wish I knew why everytime I get upset I run to you. It shouldn't be like that, but I like it. I mean I like the way you comfort me.
In life there are times when you don't really understand your purpose in life and you don't know if you even want there to be. When you think life is bad something else happens to make your life even worse. You can't escape the day to live in the night, you can't imagine your life anymore upside down then it is in that instant. But then sometimes it does become more of a mess and you like it, like the way it makes you wonder if it is right or wrong. It is exhilarating! It is an ongoing battle to live life the way you want. I am just a girl that is caught in the middle of it all and to understand I'm gona take a little trip in time to show you why.
Buffy felt her heart pounding and it felt like her chest was going to explode. She felt like screaming but the words caught in her throat. She knew Willow and Xander would try to help her but she wouldn't bring herself to look weak in front of them. They have been her friends ever since she and her family moved to Sunnydale. She had saved their lives many of times and cried on their shoulders very few. She sobbed and she felt as thought she could not breathe. She felt the tears course down her cheeks and falling to the ground.
She pulled herself from the trance that had overwhelmed her and started walking. She had no idea where she was going but she needed to go somewhere and the graveyard is just where she found herself. Images of her mother laying under the ground in this graveyard made her cringe. She felt her lungs burning and she was gasping for breath.
Her legs felt weak and she felt like she was going to fall to the ground and die. She didn't know if she even wanted to live. Her life was turning into a living hell and she didn't know if she could withstand the trials that would come to pass in the next days.
Life was a torturous thing for the slayer but it was even harder for Buffy than most. Most slayers didn't care for sister, friends, and the world. The world rested upon her shoulders as it did with all the previous slayers but the responsibilities that she carried were not.
She tried to calm herself and it didn't work it just seemed to make it harder for her to stand. She wiped her eyes and she saw rows and rows of graves. Her mother would soon be resting like all the people that inhabited the graves. She felt her body beginning to shake and she leaned against a crypt for balance.
She needed to be held, she needed to be comforted, and she needed to forget. She looked around and she saw the old worn crypt that one vampire named Spike lived in. She stumbled over and hit the door forcefully. The door swung open and she smelt cigarettes and vodka in the dry stale air.
"Buffy come in. What's the matter?" Spike asked moving aside letting her inter the crypt.
"I know I'm suppost to be strong and be there for everyone but I can't! I just found my mom laying there and she was icy and cold. I couldn't do anything! I was born to save the universe and I couldn't even save my own mother! I've saved millions of lives or more and I couldn't even save the most important person in my life! I don't know what to do Spike. You are my enemy and yet here I am crying on your shoulder like the little girl I feel like!" Buffy Ann Summers cried.
"Slayer, I know your hurting and I understand but you need to tell me what is bothering you even more than the death of your mum." Spike whispered motioning for her to sit next to him on the couch.
"My dad he will try to take Dawn away and I don't know what to do. She is the only piece of my mother I have left. If she is taken away from me I think I would die! My life is just wrong. Tell me what to do, seriously just tell me, I need to know because I'm completely lost." Buffy cried taking the seat next to her enemy
"Buffy I'm really sorry I had no idea what you were going through and I acted like a wanker. I don't really know what to tell you except I think it will work out. I mean your dad couldn't pass the puppy dog eyes. You are one tough girl to beat and when it comes to Dawn I don't think you are going to lose." He explained rubbing her back soothingly trying to make the slayer feel better.
"You don't know my dad, he is one hard person to handle. I remember when I was out late with my friends and I lost track of time and stayed out till 3:30, it was five hours pass my curfew. I came in and he was setting on the stairs. I tried to pretend I didn't know what time it really was and give him a hug goodnight but he really didn't fall for it. He told me that my curfew was going to be an hour earlier, I was grounded for five weeks (one for every hour I was gone), I had to inform him where I was going and who I was with when I got home and I had to call him every hour I was gone telling him what my plans were for a month. Not to mention he was going to give me more information on my punishment after that was over." She remembered smiling at how well that memory had stayed intact.
"Doesn't sound like it was very appealing at all. He sounds like the real ideal pain in the ass. So are you really sure he is gona try and take Nibblet away?" Spike asked concern evident in his piercing blue eyes.
"When they got the divorce the deal was that mom had custody of us untill she died or we turned eighteen. He will try to take her and I don't know what to do. I feel like a piece of me is lost and that is my mother and if I lose Dawn there will be a bigger space inside of me that I can never fill or at least I have no idea how to. I'm scared and I don't know what to feel, do, or even if I should take the memories and feelings and hide them in the depths of my heart and let my dad take her. If I let her go she will be away from the Hellmouth and the evil creatures that inhabits it, but then I wouldn't be able to protect her from the evil creatures in L.A." Buffy cried out flinging her arms around his neck and berring her face in the crook of his neck.
"Shh it's okay just let it all out. It will all be okay and it will work out. Shh, I promise I will protect Dawn and you. You might be my enemy but I won't let anyone hurt you because I'm the only one that is allowed to do that and that sure is hell isn't me." Spike cooed into her ear and she curled closer into his arms and her crying lessened.
"I just don't know what to do. I'm scared as hell and that is saying something because we are standing right on the Hellmouth! I am just so confused right now and I just need to get some kind of closer and I am just so alone!"
"You are never alone Buffy. I am always right here. I will never leave you when you need somebody. I will do whatever you need done because. you are my friend. I don't want you sad so why would I not be there?" Spike said soothingly why he took in her scent and the very essence of mixed emotions that encircled her. He wanted nothing more than for to be happy and for everything to be all right, he hated her being sad because when she is sad all he ever wants to do in encircle her in his cold arms and hold her until the pain subsided. He was becoming a real softie when it came to his slayer.
"Do you think mom knew he would try to take Dawn away from me? She couldn't have, could she? She wouldn't leave me alone." Buffy asked more silent tears falling down her cheeks
"I think she knew, but she didn't expect anything to happen to her so she wouldn't have even thought about mentioning it to you and Nibblet. Your mum wouldn't purposely lay this burden upon you, you know it's true." He said softly putting an arm around Buffy pulling her closer to his chest.
Buffy snuggled closer to him letting him comfort her. "Thanks for understanding Spike, you were the only person I thought I could talk to and not seem like a baby. I don't know why but I think we kinda understand each other."
"We do understand each other slayer, well we have always been each others equals. You know what I mean we don't need to keep secrets because what won't we understand that the other is going through?" He replied resting his chin on the top of Buffy's head.
"Nothing. Well maybe I don't know what is like to have the vampiric erges or the manly erges, but you don't know what it is like to have womanly erges or slayer duties. Rather than that I think we know each other very well." She responded smiling slightly at the lightness in her chest.
"Feel better?" Spike mumbled looking into her beautiful green eyes that sparkled like diamonds in the poor lighting of the crypt.
"I really do. I think I just wana stay here a little bit longer if that is all right." She said her voice hoarse from sobbing.
"Spike did you kill your mother?" She asked a moment later then cringed at how wrong it was to bring up the subject of his long dead mother.
"No, she was the only thing I ever protected. My sire killed her. She didn't even scream she just let the pain overwhelm her and excepted her fate. I just watched and didn't even try to stop it. I guess it was just as bad as doing it myself, I still have the blood on my hands. I have a lot of blood on my hands." He whispered a longing in his voice that could only come with regret and pain.
"Do you wish you had done something to stop him from killing her?" She asked
"No, she was really sick and going through a lot of pain. At least that way she didn't suffer as much. It would be a real mental breakdown if I kept wondering the what ifs. My mind is already a mess I don't need to screw it up anymore than it already is." He replied a single tear rolling down his pale cheek. He quickly wiped it off so it wouldn't be seen, he was not one that wanted to seem weak.
"You don't have to hide the tears with me William. You can see what your feeling just by looking into your eyes. Your eyes are the gateway to your soul. And yes I said your soul." Buffy responded
"You called me William. It's been years since anyone called me that and gosh I didn't even know you knew that my real name was William." He whispered smiling slightly.
"I know a lot of things about you that you don't know. I know that your biological father is Liam Deverx a.k.a. Angel. Your mom was Mary and they used to call her Sister Mary because she was always really nice, gentle, and kind. You had one sister and her name was Felicity. You and your sister would always read by the fire and talk before bed." She said a big smile spreading across her lips. "My life was so boring! I like life now I do whatever I want when I want to and don't have to ask for permission to do it. I live a very comfortable life but if I got a choice I would change a couple if things that I am not going to tell anyone about because I don't want anyone to know at the present time." Spike mumbled
"Bet you didn't know anybody still knew that about you anymore. I listened when Willow was telling me all the soft history about you, it tells you everything about you in the Watchers diaries. They have to you killed two slayers in your lifetime and that is more than most ever kill not to mention at such a young age. You are kinda like a vampire celebrity." Buffy reminded him.
"You are not suppose to know all that about me. Know you know how much of a Poof I was when I was alive. That isn't a good thing for anyone to know let alone the slayer. Your gonna use this against me one of these days to get me to do something." He predicted
"Yea probably but can you blame me? I'm a girl that is kinda what I do I find out stuff about people and use it against them. It is actually a pretty good setup, mom taught it to me." She said another wave of tears racking through her body at the reminder of her mother and what would come to pass now that she was gone.
"Shh, Buffy please don't cry. I know even the slightest reminder of her can hurt now but it will get better. This will all go away no matter how hard it seems right now but it will. They leave but something will take her place in a way and make you forget." He soothed taking a necklace out of his pocket. He placed it around her neck.
"What's this?" She asked running her fingers over the ruby necklace that was in the shape of a moon.
"I came across it about a hundred years ago and the person that sold it to me said that it was a healing stone that was made by one of the most powerful witches. I keep it thinking it might do me some good and it did so I believe it will help you. Please try it and if it works keep it if it doesn't keep it anyway." He whispered whipping the tears off of her face with a gentle touch.
"Thanks, I don't know what to say except that is very thoughtful of you." Buffy whispered trying to cough back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her once again.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Dawnie please don't cry. Shh it will be okay I promise. I know it hurts but it will subside." Willow whispered into the youngest Summers ear hoping it would make her feel better, while she made a silent prayer to the goddess asking her to heal the teenagers soul.
"Will, how is she doing? Is she any better?" Xander asked walking into the room that contained the upset women that were huddled into a ball holding each other.
"She is getting better, I just hope Buffy gets home from slaying soon, I think Dawn just wants her big sis here with her." Willow responded pulling Xander into the sobbing hug.
"Dawn do you think you can stay with Xander while I make all of us some hot chocolate?" She asked pulling Dawn's head up to look at her.
"Yea!" She croaked out flinging her arms around Xander in the same manner she had Willow.
"Go on Will she will be okay without you for a couple of minutes. She doesn't care who is holding her just as long as someone is." He whispered so only Willow could here him.
"Okay." She responded walking out of the room. "I'll be back in a minute."
"She'll be fine Will, promise. She is with me now, everything is gonna get better." Xander responded giving her a loving smile.
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"Buffy are you okay? If not you van stay here all night but I think your friends would ask questions and you wouldn't want to tell them you were with me so you better go if you don't want to answer there questions." He replied trying to be helpful by making her go back to the people she wasn't embarrassed about being with. That very fact hurt him in places that he thought couldn't feel anything except hate anymore, his heart.
"I don't wanna go yet. Just let me stay here a little bit longer." She whispered yawning and laying her head back in his lap.
"Buffy as much as I want to hold you right now and as much as I want you to stay, if you stay you are gonna go to sleep and be really pissed at me for not making you go home." He responded even though he didn't want to say it, he wanted to hold her in his arms and make the hurt go away, he wanted to make her the Buffy that she was before Joyce had died.
"I won't get mad so just let me sleep and don't worry about it." She mumbled tiredly.
"Can I get that in writing?" He asked a smile spreading across his lips.
"In the morning." She replied then her eyes shut as she fell into sleep.
"I will get my ass kicked in the morning not that comment in writing. As much as I like holding her I really have to stop and think if I really want to let her stay or not, but then I remember when she is not in pain I don't even exist so I think I will take the consequences." He whispered rubbing his fingers through his hair and taking a not needed breath. "Until the morning I will be a happy vampire.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Buffy should be home now." Dawn whispered to herself in the confinement of her dark room. "She probably went somewhere that would make her feel better. I don't know who that is anymore but she definitely went somewhere. I wish I would have been able to go to the person that makes me feel better. Spike would know exactly how to make me feel better, he always does. I think it is because he has been through almost every torment imaginable. He is really a strong willed guy. It must be hard to watch everything close to you die or leave you alone why he still lives. I hate watching anybody die but to know that it is just gonna keep happening and everyone you ever love, Everyone you will ever care about will just pass into the next place why you just stay there. Even thinking about it makes me sick." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Buffy you have to wake up now it's light outside and you know they are worried about you. You have been here all night." Spike whispered running a cold hand along her cheek.
" Oh my gosh! They are gonna kill me! I am late, really late!" She screamed getting up in a panic.
"It's okay they won't be up yet. You can just sneak in the window and pull the I got in late, you just didn't hear me thing." He added thoughtfully handing her jacket to her softly.
"I could kill you for letting me stay that late!" She screamed pulling the jacket onto her shoulders.
"You told me to let you sleep so I did. You also said you would put it into writing that it was your fault you are still here now. Don't worry about who is to blame and just get home before anybody gets up!" He ordered pushing her outside the crypt.
"Your right I need to go!" She mumbled then turning around and running in the direction of her house.
"They are gonna kill me and then I am gonna come back to haunt Spike for making me be late! Okay it's my fault but he shouldn't have listened to me in the first place, so that makes it his fault like always!" She mentally argued with her conscious. "It really is his fault and I am just gonna keep telling myself that until I actually believe it. It will work. It has to because I am not apologizing to Spike for yelling at him. He is a vampire and I am the slayer. I kill his kind not apologize to it! It is against the rules of slayerixm." She tried to convince herself.
She climbed in the window and carefully changed into her pajamas and made the bed look messy and walked into the bathroom to mess up her hair and then she would get a shower just to act and look normal. It was the oldest trick the parents into thinking you made curfew trick, it had to work on friend and sisters too.
"Hey Dawn your up early. Are have you never went to sleep?" Buffy asked softly.
"Well I heard your water running and I decided to get up. And you don't have to worry I made a lot of noise in your room last night so they thought you came in late." Dawn said smiling at her sisters surprised look.
"You really are like me, and that really isn't a good thing because being like me gets you into trouble." She mumbled pouring orange juice into two glasses.
"Well I watched you when you were pulling it and decided if it worked for you it would work for me." She responded
"Well you made one mistake." Buffy whispered slyly stepping closer to her sister.
"And that would be what?" She asked taking a step away from her sister.
"Well that is a secret between me, myself, and I. But I will tell you one thing, you are gonna be in so much trouble if you ever try that on me!" She threatened.
" Remind me not to tell you when I do it then." Dawn said with a sly gleam in her eye.
" You are the hardest person to get along with I swear!" She yelled "I should ground you and make you wish you had never said that! But I won't because if I did I would have to explain my actions."
"I guess I win then. Remind me to always win." She added smugly
"Dawn I am giving you three minutes to get out of my face before I remind you what slayer strength really is!" Buffy sweared
"You do that and I will tell everyone that you were gone all night and I swear I will find out where you were and I promise it won't be a pretty site!" Dawn retaliated cleansing her fists into balls.
"You are impossible! I don't know howI ever got along with you! You are acting like a total bitch!" She yelled causing Willow to wake up and run down the stairs.
"What's the matter? Are you all okay?" She asked in a shaky voice
"Yea will, everything is okay me and Dawn were just having a little argument." Buffy replied walking up the stairs.
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"Don't Luv it's all right. You were just a little upset. There's nothing wrong with that." He whispered
"Yea I know that but I am suppose to kill you not lay sobbing in your arms." She sobbed adding sexy to her description of him silently.
"You can kill me after you stop crying." Spike said into her ear.
"But don't really want to kill you I just wish I knew why everytime I get upset I run to you. It shouldn't be like that, but I like it. I mean I like the way you comfort me.