Once upon a time, back when I was a little girl, I used to dream about
getting married to Xander having two kids-a boy and a girl-and living
happily ever after. Then life happened. I discovered the creatures that
roam the night and I discovered the darkness in me. Everyone knew about it
really, how could they not after the whole 'Vampire Willow' episode. It was
a subject that we silently agreed not to talk about. As long as I never
stepped out of my role as the Scooby gang's pet hacker Buffy was happy,
which in turn kept everyone else happy.
I wasn't happy though. I sat in the background and watched my friends grow up. It was like watching a play, I was in the audience and I could see the tragic flaws of the characters but I was helpless to explain it to them. Then Spike showed up again, unable to bite or survive on his own and he was the pariah of the demon community. The bleached vampire threw a hitch into Buffy's groove and she often reacted violently to it. I watched the two of them bicker and fight and I was often reminded of this movie I had watched one time with Xander. "The Emperor's New Groove." I remember there was this part in it where this old man threw off Emperor Kuzco's dancing groove so he had the poor man tossed out a window. After that he tottered around warning other people not to throw off the Emperor's groove. "Beware the groove!" was his advice.
I took some morbid amusement from that and I knew it was the truth. Beware Buffy's groove because if you make her uncomfortable then she gets irritable. Spike was blunt, rude, but most importantly honest. He called the shots as he saw them and made everyone really look at themselves.
No one was really happy with what they found.
The magic made me the pariah of the Scoobies, or perhaps it was the fact that I was trying to finally grow up and learn every part of myself. There were warnings given out by Buffy and Giles saying that I was getting reckless. Oh they were perfectly content to use my magic to defeat the big evil that came around but if I wanted to do anything other than that it was seen as rebelling.
I was so disgusted that I eventually avoided spending time with them and I found myself hanging out around Spike more often than not. Don't get me wrong it's not like he was baby sitting me or feeling sorry for me. That's not the way he works. He's completely evil and demonic but I found myself wondering just what the definition of evil was. I mean people with souls do some of the most horrible things but I've seen Spike do some admirable things. Sure sometimes he got something out of it but is there really anything wrong with that? Somewhere along the way I started to fall in love with him. In between the threats and cruel words he made me realize who I was. I saw what I could be and I wanted to show it to everyone else.
We had been sleeping together for a month before anyone found out. Buffy came across us screwing like bunnies in a cemetery. I stared at her silently and she stared back at me, an unbelieving look upon her face. Then she did something I hadn't expected, she turned around and walked away. Color me surprised. Spike and I looked at each other, then got dressed and headed towards the Magic Box. Everyone had an opinion on the situation; Xander was disgusted and kept muttering to himself about vampires and women in his life. Giles looked like he had been expecting something like this to happen and Buffy simply told us that the relationship had to stop. Anya just wanted to know about the quality of the orgasms and if I was happy. People really underestimate Anya. I may not like her all the time but she's not stupid. You try being a demon for a thousand years who suddenly find themselves human and we'll see easy it is for you.
I refused to bow to Buffy's wishes and so she tried to stake Spike-as if that would cure me of my feelings. In the end I had to pin her to the wall with magic and explain to her firmly that I loved her as a friend but I would not follow her edicts any more. That I was my own person and if she didn't like it then she could kiss my lily-white ass. I ignored her look that somehow managed to mix disgruntlement, hurt and rejection, turned toward Spike who was beaming with pride and grabbing his hand I walked out of the place, only releasing my hold on Buffy after we got safely out the door.
It's been three months since then and everyone is finally getting used to the idea of Spike and I together. Buffy will occasionally take me aside and try to explain to me that he's a monster but I just stare at her silently until she walks away in irritation. I know they all think I'm deluded and that I believe that Spike is some sort of fluffy bunny who wouldn't hurt a fly. Even Anya, who has more insight into the real emotions people have than anyone else I've seen, thinks that I see just a man in my lover.
I don't just see the man and it's painfully obvious why as I sit here curled up in a chair watching him sleep. He looks dead and that's because he is. Regardless of how much he seems alive his body is dead and I'll never forget that. I'll never have my big wedding in the sun, nor will I ever marry Xander and have kids with a big house. I'll never be able to walk in the sun with my lover. I won't be able to bring him to meet my parents or to meet my grandmother. He's a demon, a killer and has done terrible things during his existence. His psyche is a complicated thing and I'm just starting to really learn about vampiric culture. It's something I'll need to know because he's asked me to be his mate.
If I take him up on it I will be immortal. He wants to turn me, I can see it in his eyes when he's looking at me but he can't because of the chip. There's another way to do it that involves a long complicated ritual, blood being consumed and other such sundry things. Oh yeah and he has to ask permission from his clan head to take me as his mate. I can just see how that conversation will go. 'Hey poof I know last time I talked to you I tortured you and enjoyed it but I have this favor to ask you. I'd like to take the redheaded witch as a mate.' I don't know how it's going to go but we're going to go see Angel in L.A. tomorrow and I have until then to decide if I really want to go through with this.
I love him with every fiber of my being and I know that I won't debate for long, just as I already know what my answer is. I'll become his mate and I'll watch my friends grow older. Once they start getting too old we'll leave because I won't be able to bear watching them die and somehow I feel as if that's the cowards way out.
No one really understands why I love him. It's because they see him as just the demon and refuse to understand a single important fact. He alone sees me as me and he alone took the time to help me learn my place in this world. He's not human and frankly every day I grow less human as the magic takes root in my body. Just as Spike is a creature of the night I am as well. I'm a witch who'll live forever.
There's a secret I carry however, and I will only tell it once we find out what Angel's answer is. I'm almost certain that he'll refuse to let Spike take me as a mate. He wouldn't want to see us succeed where he failed and he sees his grandchilde as a danger to me. When he does so I will simply smile and proceed to tell him that I will be immortal as Spike is without his approval and there's really nothing he can do to stop me. I will be taken as his mate and Spike will forever be devoted to me and I to him.
I can remove the chip.
Angel will of course try to dissuade me, he'll bring up the safety of my friends and the fact that I'll be a soulless demon. I'm sure he thinks that matters to me. Such a weak argument that he presents. I've already taken strides protect my friends, placed spells over them that cannot be lifted once they're set . even by me. So you see I'm not stupid. I'm simply in love.
I will be his Queen.
I wasn't happy though. I sat in the background and watched my friends grow up. It was like watching a play, I was in the audience and I could see the tragic flaws of the characters but I was helpless to explain it to them. Then Spike showed up again, unable to bite or survive on his own and he was the pariah of the demon community. The bleached vampire threw a hitch into Buffy's groove and she often reacted violently to it. I watched the two of them bicker and fight and I was often reminded of this movie I had watched one time with Xander. "The Emperor's New Groove." I remember there was this part in it where this old man threw off Emperor Kuzco's dancing groove so he had the poor man tossed out a window. After that he tottered around warning other people not to throw off the Emperor's groove. "Beware the groove!" was his advice.
I took some morbid amusement from that and I knew it was the truth. Beware Buffy's groove because if you make her uncomfortable then she gets irritable. Spike was blunt, rude, but most importantly honest. He called the shots as he saw them and made everyone really look at themselves.
No one was really happy with what they found.
The magic made me the pariah of the Scoobies, or perhaps it was the fact that I was trying to finally grow up and learn every part of myself. There were warnings given out by Buffy and Giles saying that I was getting reckless. Oh they were perfectly content to use my magic to defeat the big evil that came around but if I wanted to do anything other than that it was seen as rebelling.
I was so disgusted that I eventually avoided spending time with them and I found myself hanging out around Spike more often than not. Don't get me wrong it's not like he was baby sitting me or feeling sorry for me. That's not the way he works. He's completely evil and demonic but I found myself wondering just what the definition of evil was. I mean people with souls do some of the most horrible things but I've seen Spike do some admirable things. Sure sometimes he got something out of it but is there really anything wrong with that? Somewhere along the way I started to fall in love with him. In between the threats and cruel words he made me realize who I was. I saw what I could be and I wanted to show it to everyone else.
We had been sleeping together for a month before anyone found out. Buffy came across us screwing like bunnies in a cemetery. I stared at her silently and she stared back at me, an unbelieving look upon her face. Then she did something I hadn't expected, she turned around and walked away. Color me surprised. Spike and I looked at each other, then got dressed and headed towards the Magic Box. Everyone had an opinion on the situation; Xander was disgusted and kept muttering to himself about vampires and women in his life. Giles looked like he had been expecting something like this to happen and Buffy simply told us that the relationship had to stop. Anya just wanted to know about the quality of the orgasms and if I was happy. People really underestimate Anya. I may not like her all the time but she's not stupid. You try being a demon for a thousand years who suddenly find themselves human and we'll see easy it is for you.
I refused to bow to Buffy's wishes and so she tried to stake Spike-as if that would cure me of my feelings. In the end I had to pin her to the wall with magic and explain to her firmly that I loved her as a friend but I would not follow her edicts any more. That I was my own person and if she didn't like it then she could kiss my lily-white ass. I ignored her look that somehow managed to mix disgruntlement, hurt and rejection, turned toward Spike who was beaming with pride and grabbing his hand I walked out of the place, only releasing my hold on Buffy after we got safely out the door.
It's been three months since then and everyone is finally getting used to the idea of Spike and I together. Buffy will occasionally take me aside and try to explain to me that he's a monster but I just stare at her silently until she walks away in irritation. I know they all think I'm deluded and that I believe that Spike is some sort of fluffy bunny who wouldn't hurt a fly. Even Anya, who has more insight into the real emotions people have than anyone else I've seen, thinks that I see just a man in my lover.
I don't just see the man and it's painfully obvious why as I sit here curled up in a chair watching him sleep. He looks dead and that's because he is. Regardless of how much he seems alive his body is dead and I'll never forget that. I'll never have my big wedding in the sun, nor will I ever marry Xander and have kids with a big house. I'll never be able to walk in the sun with my lover. I won't be able to bring him to meet my parents or to meet my grandmother. He's a demon, a killer and has done terrible things during his existence. His psyche is a complicated thing and I'm just starting to really learn about vampiric culture. It's something I'll need to know because he's asked me to be his mate.
If I take him up on it I will be immortal. He wants to turn me, I can see it in his eyes when he's looking at me but he can't because of the chip. There's another way to do it that involves a long complicated ritual, blood being consumed and other such sundry things. Oh yeah and he has to ask permission from his clan head to take me as his mate. I can just see how that conversation will go. 'Hey poof I know last time I talked to you I tortured you and enjoyed it but I have this favor to ask you. I'd like to take the redheaded witch as a mate.' I don't know how it's going to go but we're going to go see Angel in L.A. tomorrow and I have until then to decide if I really want to go through with this.
I love him with every fiber of my being and I know that I won't debate for long, just as I already know what my answer is. I'll become his mate and I'll watch my friends grow older. Once they start getting too old we'll leave because I won't be able to bear watching them die and somehow I feel as if that's the cowards way out.
No one really understands why I love him. It's because they see him as just the demon and refuse to understand a single important fact. He alone sees me as me and he alone took the time to help me learn my place in this world. He's not human and frankly every day I grow less human as the magic takes root in my body. Just as Spike is a creature of the night I am as well. I'm a witch who'll live forever.
There's a secret I carry however, and I will only tell it once we find out what Angel's answer is. I'm almost certain that he'll refuse to let Spike take me as a mate. He wouldn't want to see us succeed where he failed and he sees his grandchilde as a danger to me. When he does so I will simply smile and proceed to tell him that I will be immortal as Spike is without his approval and there's really nothing he can do to stop me. I will be taken as his mate and Spike will forever be devoted to me and I to him.
I can remove the chip.
Angel will of course try to dissuade me, he'll bring up the safety of my friends and the fact that I'll be a soulless demon. I'm sure he thinks that matters to me. Such a weak argument that he presents. I've already taken strides protect my friends, placed spells over them that cannot be lifted once they're set . even by me. So you see I'm not stupid. I'm simply in love.
I will be his Queen.