More reviews! Not quite 100, but… meh.
The Review Guy: I don't see 100 reviews… need a crowbar to get your hand loose?
NessacusGirl: Glad ya liked it! *hugs and kisses* You're welcome! Glad you liked the Puppy Song, and yup, Ed's a great dancer! She's so adorable!
Blooknaberg: Hee hee, cantelope… yes they can! And yes, Jet left! He's being phased out of the rotation, but he'll show up from time to time as a recurring character! Sorry Jet fans!
Katie: Oooh, you'll find out Ed's rival soon! *looks for wallet* Uh oh. Come back here! LOL! ^_^
Anikai Ryuji: Thanks! And there will be more Edward!
Trunkz: Hee hee, I'm only about 56 reviews away from getting 100 reviews! Me so happy! And don't worry, Spike's dead, you can have the piggybank. It's got like 5 wulongs in it since Jet stole it so many times. Ha!
Shadow of Mars: Thanks! Yup, Ed's the DDR champ! She's awesome! And I read your long Sailor Moon story you wrote! Kept me occupied for a while! ^_^
JasperRed99: Nope, don't have a problem with Spike! He's just dead! ^_^ And Andy used to be a samurai, but he turned back into a cowboy! Because cowboys are cool!
Retro: Bloodhound Gang rules! Well, that one song and a couple of others. Go Edward!
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Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own 24, but most of their plots are so cliched that they're in the public domain, so…
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
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Deep inside the core of Mars, a sinister plot was unfolding…
:"Alright, lower the bomb!" yelled an old man standing next to a large pit. He was wearing a fireproof suit to protect himself from the intense heat. A large bomb with the words "DA BOMB" on it was lowered into the pit. A clock on the bomb began to tick down from "24:00:00".
"It's all set, sir," said a fireproof-suit-wearing underling.
"Mwahaha!" the old man laughed.
---
Meanwhile, in a hotel room in the nearby city of… hmmm… Mars City…
"This honeymoon has been wonderful!" Stephi said. She kissed Macintyre on the cheek, then sat down and yawned. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" Macintyre said. He walked over to the door and opened it up to see five ski mask-wearing men staring at him.
"Hello," the leader of the masked men said. "I'm here to beat the crap out of you and kidnap your wife in order to force your best friend's acquaintance to come to a specified location and-"
An egg hit the masked man in the face. The other men started to laugh.
"Okay, that does it!" the leader of the masked men said, wiping the egg off of his face. "Get them!"
The five masked men ran into the room and rushed Macintyre and Stephi.
---
Meanwhile, aboard the Bebop…
"This is going to be the single most boring day of my life," Andy said, yawning and flopping onto the Bebop's couch. "No bounties, no nothing."
"I'm glad," Faye said. "I'm glad you're bored. Because I hate you!"
"Aw, why does Faye-Faye hate poor Cowboy-person Andy? Edward likes him!" Edward said, hugging Andy around the neck.
"My son sure is affectionate!" Applederry said. "Or is that my daughter? I forget…"
"Ring ring! Ring ring! Phone call! Phone call!" the Bebop's phone blared.
"Sounds like the phone!" Andy said. He ran over and picked it up. "Hello?"
A badly beaten-up Macintyre appeared on the screen. Applederry ran over and picked up the phone.
---
"Macintyre, what happened to you?" Applederry asked.
"Terrorists came…" Macintyre said weakly. "They got… Stephi…"
Macintyre passed out.
"Today is going to be the longest day of my life," Andy said.
"Crap, my day's gonna suck," Faye sighed.
---
Session 32- Twenty-Four Symphonies
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BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters
The NEW Paunch: Oh man, today we have a big big bounty on our hands!
Crazy Judy: That's right! It's the scary terrorist kingpin Leroy Brown!
The NEW Paunch: He's badder than old King Kong, and meaner than a junkyard dog!
Crazy Judy: He's wanted for kidnapping and other terrorist acts, and he's worth a lot of money!
The NEW Paunch: How much is he-
Crazy Judy: *starts foaming at the mouth*
The NEW Paunch: Never mind.
---
"Leroy Brown," Andy said. "My arch-rival!"
"I thought Spike-person was your rival!" Edward said.
"Spike? ARGH!" Faye yelled, then began sobbing.
"Spike was pretty rivaly, but Leroy is my biggest, baddest, most evil arch rival," Andy said.
"He looks like an old man," Faye said.
"He may be old, but he's dangerous. And he has a sword!" Andy said. "Just like Spike's arch-rival… uh… Viscous."
"Vicious," Faye said.
"I know he is," Andy replied. "Anyway, we have to catch Leroy now!"
"Why?" Faye asked.
"He's got Stephi for one thing," Andy said. "Also, his evil plots always involve a 24-hour countdown. If we don't stop him in 24 hours, something horribly bad is gonna happen!"
"But we don't even know where he is," Faye said.
"Mars," Edward said, typing furiously on her computer. "The bad man is on Mars!"
"That's my so- er, daughter!" Applederry said.
"Wow, you remembered this time," Faye grumbled. "Barely."
"We're going to Mars!" Andy said. "This time, Leroy Brown goes down for good!"
18:27:39… 18:27:38… 18:27:37…
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Meanwhile, inside the big Crater Cave of Evil on Mars…
"Soon, the bomb will go off!" Leroy Brown said. "And then Mars will go kaboom!"
"Sir, if we're in the crater when the bomb explodes, we'll be killed too," an underling said. Leroy Brown snapped his fingers, and two big men took the underling away.
"Bwahaha!" Leroy Brown laughed. "Nobody messes with Leroy Brown!"
16:50:44… 16:50:43… 16:50:42…
---
In the hotel room on Mars…
"And they grabbed her!" Macintyre cried. "I tried to save her, but there were too many of them!"
"There, there, old buddy," Applederry said, comforting his crying and bandaged-up friend. "We'll catch those terrorists, for-"
"I am Cowboy Andy!" Andy said, pointing his finger up into the air. "Oops… sorry. It's a reflex."
"There's a huge bounty on Leroy," Faye said. "So we have to get him. Then I'll be able to afford the Excelsior Diamond, and the Remmingdale Diamond, and the Cuticane Diamond, and the Really Really Big And Valuable Diamond, and-"
"And Edward will help!" Edward cheered, doing cartwheels around the room.
13:17:21… 13:17:20… 13:17:19…
---
Meanwhile, in a huge church elsewhere on Mars…
"And this is the spot where Vicious threw Spike out of the window in the real Cowboy Bebop show," a tour guide said, pointing at the window. "Any questions?"
"Yeah," said an obnoxious man from the back of the crowd. "What's this have to do with anything?"
"Well-"
Suddenly, Leroy Brown's procession of ten big men, an underling, and Leroy himself walked into the church. Leroy took out his sword and chopped the tour guide and everyone in the tour group to pieces, except for the heckler.
"Why'd you spare me?" the heckler asked.
"Because you're a jerk, and I'm a jerk," Leroy said. "We work great together!"
Leroy turned to his underling.
"You happy now?" Leroy asked. "You're lucky I only had one underling, or you'd be dead right now."
"Sir, this is a bit better, but if we blow up the whole planet-"
"You can't be sorta dead," the heckler interrupted. "You're either dead or you're not dead. Here, let me show you."
The heckler took out a gun and shot the underling dead.
"What was that for?" Leroy asked.
"Well, you see," the heckler said, "I happen to be…"
The heckler suddenly reached up and pulled off his face! It was only a mask though. You can't pull off your face! Unless you're like a zombie. But then-
"Shut up!" the 'heckler' yelled. "My name is Ira Gaines, a bad guy from the show 24. Who the heck are you?"
"Well, I'm bad, bad, Leroy Brown," Leroy said. "Welcome to the team!"
7:23:56… 7:23:55… 7:23:54…
---
Meanwhile, Andy and the others had found the big crater where Leroy Brown had stashed the bomb.
"Okay, who's gonna go inside?" Applederry asked.
"We can't go inside. It's all hot and stuff in there," Andy said.
"Hey, wouldn't all the heat of being so far underground make the bomb explode?" Applederry asked.
"It's best not to think about these sort of things," Faye said. "Anyway, I vote for Andy to go in, because he's the dumbest."
"Aw, that's not a very nice thing to say," Andy said. "You have to be kind to others! Like I am!"
"And Edward!" Edward said, jumping up. "Ed has found a way to get to the bomb without burning up!"
"How?" Applederry, Faye, and Andy asked in unison.
"Jinx!" Faye said. "You two can't talk until somebody says your name!"
"…..?" Andy said.
"Ein's a data dog, and it was genetically engineered to survive temperatures of up to 25,000 degrees Centigrade!" Edward said. She hugged Ein. "Ein, you have to go in and defuse the bomb, okay?"
Ein barked and jumped down into the crater.
"It's all up to Ein now!" Edward said. Suddenly, Ein hopped out of the crater and began barking.
"Wait, I know what Ein's saying," Faye said. "I know how to speak dog. Ein is saying that he wants me to chew through some handcuffs."
"Ein says that the bomb can only be diffused by a special remote carried by Leroy Brown!" Edward said.
"No, the dog is saying that he wants me to chew through some handcuffs," Faye said. "I speak dog."
"Have you read the Worst-Case Scenarios Handbook: Space Travel Edition, Faye-Faye?" Edward asked.
"No, I speak dog," Faye said.
"Ed thought so," Edward said. "Andy and Applederry!"
"Yay! I can talk again!" Andy said. "But I forgot what I was gonna say!"
Suddenly, a phone in Andy's pocket rang. He picked it up and held it to his ear.
"Hello?" Andy said.
"Hello, Clarice," said a sinister-sounding voice. "Oh wait, wrong number."
The phone shut back off, then rang again.
"Hello?" Andy said.
"Do you like scary movies?" asked an even MORE sinister-sounding voice.
"Actually, no I don't," Andy said. "I like cowboy western movies!"
"Figures," Faye said.
"Oh," said the voice in the phone. "Well then… do you like Scooby movies?"
"No," Andy said.
"Oh, Ed does!" Edward said, jumping up and down. "Scooby dooby doo!"
Edward giggled.
"Wait a second, that's not what I meant," the voice said. "What I meant to say is that I have Stephi."
"What?" Andy yelled. "Wait, you don't sound like Leroy Brown."
"I'm Ira Gaines," said the voice. "I work for Leroy Brown."
Gaines began to sing.
"Oh, I work, work, for Leroy Brown! Baddest man in the whole damn town!" Gaines sang.
"Stop that," Andy said. "What have you done with Stephi?"
"Well, let's see," Gaines said. "Um…"
Gaines' voice grew faint, as if he was yelling in the background.
"Hey, what did we do with Stephi?" Gaines yelled.
"Uh… we tied her up," said another background voice.
"We tied her up," Gaines said.
"What else?" Andy asked.
"What else did we do?" Gaines yelled in the background.
"We put her in a cage," said the other background voice.
"We put her in a cage," Gaines said.
"Uh, that's not helpful," Andy said. "More along the lines of, uh, 'Where is she?'"?
"Oh," Gaines said. He yelled into the background again. "Where is she?"
"She's in the-" said the other background voice before Gaines finally realized that Andy was just pulling him along and that he should probably stop telling Andy where Stephi was.
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!" Gaines yelled. "Er, I mean… IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE SHE IS! Come to the church where Spike and Vicious fought in 'Ballad of Fallen Angels', and we'll talk then. Oh, wait… d'oh! Now they know where Stephi is!"
"Now we know where Stephi is!" Andy said to the others happily.
"Yay!" Edward cheered.
"Wait, wait!" Gaines yelled. "I'm a cruel and mean man, and I will kill Stephi right now unless you drop and give me 100 push-ups!"
"Okay," Andy said. He got onto the ground and started doing push-ups.
"Wait," Gaines said. "All of you."
Applederry and Edward got onto the ground and began doing push-ups. Even Ein got onto the ground, where he began to do cute little doggy push-ups.
"Aw man, this sucks," Faye said. "I'm not gonna do it."
"FAYE DIDN'T DO ANY PUSH-UPS!" Gaines yelled. "YOU SCREWED ME, FAYE! YOU SCREWED ME!"
The phone connection ended.
"He wishes I screwed him," Faye said with a smirk on her face.
"Faye, that's not what he meant!" Andy said. "Great, now we'll never get Stephi back!"
"Gaines wouldn't kill Stephi," Faye said. "She's his only bargaining chip."
"Mmmm, bargaining chip," Applederry said.
"Wait a second, wait a second," Andy said. "What's 'Ballad of Fallen Angels'?"
"That's the episode where Spike became a wrestler and I got hit with a chair," Faye said. "Wait, that's 'Salad of Fallen Angels'. Waaaaaaait a second here…."
"Oh well," Andy said. "I always arrive in the nick of time. We don't have to look for a church!"
0:09:54… 0:09:53… 0:09:52…
---
Meanwhile, in the church…
"Mwahaha! In just a few minutes, my evil plan will be complete!" Leroy Brown cackled.
"Our evil plan," Gaines said.
"No, MY evil plan. You were only hired to attract 24 fans to my organization. Now you're sorta dead!" Leroy said. He ran at Gaines and cut off his head with a katana. "No, actually, you're all dead. Ha, I made a funny!"
"You won't get away with this!" Stephi yelled. She was trapped in a cage hanging from above, tied up.
"Yes I will!" Leroy said. "And no one will save you! Mwahaha-"
I don't feel a thing
And I stopped remembering
This episode takes place in 24 hours
Mother used to say
If the kids at school call you gay
To shrug it off and beat them at canasta
(bleep)ed
In the brain
In the brain
In the brain
This parody's (bleep)ed
In the brain
Is it the best parody ever?
Or is it just the third or fifth?
"Hey!" yelled a voice from outside. "That's not my song! That's Spike's song! It sucks! And it's not even the right words! Play my song!"
"Go Go Cactus Man" started to play.
"That's better," the voice said. The faint sound of hooves could be heard from outside.
"It can't be!" Leroy yelled in fear. "Army of ten big guys, kill him!"
The ten big men that had briefly appeared earlier in the bomb scene and have absolutely no effect on this story other to get their butts kicked by Andy ran out of the church and got their butts kicked by Andy. Andy entered the church, riding on his horse. He leaped off of the horse and pointed his gun at Leroy.
"Okay, Leroy Brown, baddest man in the whole damn town, badder than old King Kong and meaner than a junkyard dog," Andy said, taking in a large intake of breath after he had finished the extremely long sentence that he said as he came into the church on his horse in a heroic blaze of glory… *takes in large breath* "Let Stephi go and defuse the bomb!"
"Pick one," Leroy said. "Ha! I'm evil! I'm making you choose! Ha! Ha ha!"
"Don't worry about me, Andy!" Stephi yelled. "Save the world!"
"If I was Macintyre, this choice would be hard for me," Andy said. "Actually, this choice still is hard for me. I'm a heroic cowboy! I save the girls! Always! But-"
"Ten seconds to choose, Andy!" Leroy said. "You'd better hurry!"
10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…
"OH NO!" Andy and Stephi screamed.
"Bwahaha!" Leroy laughed. "There was no bomb! It was only a ruse to conceal my real plan! My plan to get away!"
Leroy laughed. A rope dropped down from a small hole that had been cut into the ceiling. Leroy grabbed the rope and was lifted up into a getaway helicopter, which then flew off.
"OH NO!" Andy screamed. "HE GOT AWAY!"
"At least there wasn't a bomb," Stephi said.
"Who cares about the bomb?" Andy yelled. "Leroy… got… away! Argh!"
Andy collapsed to the ground and began sobbing uncontrollably.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" Andy yelled. The screen turned black.
11:59:57… 11:59:58… 11:59:59… 12:00:00
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"Uh, hello?" Stephi said. "You still have to come up here and free me."
"Oh yeah, I forgot!" Andy said. He took out his gun and fired. The cage dropped from the ceiling and fell to pieces. Andy fired again, causing all the ropes around Stephi to snap and fall to the ground.
"That was cool!" Edward said, cartwheeling into the church.
"We missed the whole thing?" Applederry said. "What happened?"
"Where's Leroy?" Faye yelled. "Where's my bounty?"
"Thank you, Leroy got away and I freed Stephi, Leroy got away," Andy said, answering all three questions.
"Leroy… got… away?" Faye asked. "But that means we get to try and catch him again! I will get him!"
"He's my rival. I'm going to get him," Andy said. "Get your own rival!"
"I DO have a rival!" Faye snapped. "His name is… uh… Andy, you suck."
"Andy Yusuk?" Andy asked. "The pro basketball player from Russia?"
"Yes," Faye said. "I mean, no! I mean, argh!"
Faye stormed off in a huff.
"She's just mad she hasn't gotten a Faye-centric episode yet," Andy said.
---
Back aboard the Bebop…
"Macintyre just called," Applederry said. "He and Stephi want to say thanks!"
"Isn't that nice," Andy said. "Faye, isn't that nice?"
A grumbling came from the other room.
"Faye-Faye's happy, I know it!" Edward said.
"Not again!" Faye yelled. "I lost another bet! Darn you, Andy Yusuk!"
"Never bet on basketball," Andy said.
Beep… boop… beep… boop…
---
Faye: Pigs. It's finally come to this.
Andy: What?
Edward: Next episode, we finally hear from Jet-person!
Andy: Is his arm back on?
Edward: You'll just have to wait and find out, silly! Anyway, Jet wants us to go after a guy named… *giggles* Harry Wang!
Andy: I don't see what's so funny about that.
Faye: This is disgusting.
Applederry: Is this a prank?
Edward: Nope!
Faye: Why would we have to resort to cheap laughs? Why? Have we degenerated that much?
Andy: You sound like my mom, Faye! Next episode of Bebop, "It's Only Innuendo"!
Faye: Andy, you suck.