A few reviews!
The Review Guy: Why thank you! And you'd better join the Sensational Sisters Fanclub! It's like, totally awesome!
Shadow of Mars: Martine McWho? Nope, haven't seen it! Glad ya liked the Rain spoof!
Katie: I thought you'd enjoy the spoof of Rain! Thanks for reviewing! And ya need to watch 24, it's really good!
Trunkz: Don't worry, you'll save up for lessons eventually! And maybe I might decide to give ya a few when I get some time, k?
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Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I DO own every single naughty-named bad guy in this chapter. But if ya wanna use the names because they're so funny, go ahead. ^_^
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
Double Warning: If innuendo revolving around certain parts of the male anatomy offends you, go away.
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Aboard the Bebop…
"Andy, look out!" Faye yelled, running down the halls of the ship. Andy was standing in front of her. "I'm gonna run into you!'
"No you're not," Andy said. He stepped out of the way and grabbed Faye as she ran past.
"Lemme go!" Faye shouted, clawing at Andy with her fingernails.
"What are you running from?" Andy asked.
"I'm not running from anything, I'm running TO!" Faye yelled. "Radio contest! 50th caller gets to play the Fun Quiz! Get three questions right and win 50,000 wulongs!"
"I see," Andy said. He released Faye. "Go and win your stupid contest. See if I care."
Faye ran to the phone on the Bebop and began punching numbers frantically.
"Come on, come on, come on," Faye said.
"And we have our 50th caller!" the Bebop's phone blared. "What is your name?"
"Faye Valen-"
"Cowboy Andy," Andy said. Faye turned her head and saw Andy standing behind her, holding a cell phone in his hand. "I'm ready to play!"
"Oh no you're not," Faye said. She walked up to Andy and kicked at his crotch. Andy casually stepped out of the way.
"Your first question," the radio said. "Who was the first man in space?"
"Yuri Gagarin," Andy said. "110 years ago to the day."
"Excellent!" the radio blared. Faye punched at Andy. Andy stepped out of the way again.
"What's my next question?" Andy asked.
"Name the owner of the longest hitting streak in baseball history," the radio said.
"Joe DiMaggio," Andy said. "Nobody's broken his record in over 120 years, and no one ever will!"
"You're darn tootin'," the radio said. "Final question. Name the hit song by the new band Running Men."
"Uh oh," Andy thought. "I don't know this one…"
In a rage, Faye kicked at Andy's crotch again. This time, she connected.
"Argh! My balls!" Andy howled.
"That's right!" the radio said. "Argh My Balls! You win 50,000 wulongs!"
"I get half because I helped!" Faye said as Andy winced on the floor in pain.
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Episode 33- It's Only Innuendo
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In the Bebop's infirmary…
"Poor poor Andy-person!" Edward said, handing Andy a glass of lemonade. "At least you won some money!"
"You're right, Edward!" Andy said.
"And you'll never have to worry about paying child support," Applederry said. "Welcome to my world."
"Father-person?" Edward said.
"Hey guys, Jet's on the phone!" Faye yelled from the Bebop's main room.
"What?" Applederry said. "Uh oh, I'm gonna be replaced…"
Andy, Ed, and Applederry ran to the Bebop's videophone and stared at Jet's face.
"Hey Jet, what's up?" Andy asked.
"Jet-person, nice to see you again!" Edward said. "Is your metal arm back on?"
"No," Jet said. "In fact, it's been stolen again."
Faye gasped.
"Who stole it?" Faye asked. "Is Monty back?"
"No," Jet said. "Seems that some guy named Harry Wang stole it."
Edward giggled. Andy chuckled slightly. Then Applederry chuckled.
"Harry Wang?" Andy asked. "Is this a prank call?"
"No," Jet said. "It's true. Harry Wang isn't his real name. He's a male porn star. I don't know what his real name is."
"What would a male porn star want with your arm?" Andy asked. "Wait… oh."
"We HAVE to get it back," Jet said. "I'm on Io right now."
"Io? The desert planet?" Applederry asked. "That place is blazing hot…"
"That's why so many porn stars live there," Jet said. "Anyway, we have to get my arm back. WE HAVE TO!"
Jet hung up.
"Harry Wang," Andy giggled. "Harry Wang!"
Andy, Applederry, and Edward started to laugh hysterically.
"Grow up," Faye grumbled.
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The Bebop landed at a spaceport in the middle of one of Io's many desert towns. Andy, Faye, Ed, and Applederry stepped out of the Bebop and into the bustling airport. Jet ran up to them, waving with his one arm.
"Hey, guys!" Jet yelled.
"Jet-person!" Edward shouted. She hopped into Jet's arms and gave him a big hug. "Ed's missed you!"
"She never hugs ME like that," Applederry grumbled.
"Try buying her a birthday present once in her lifetime and maybe she will," Faye said. "Like the spider ring I bought her. Best vending machine purchase I ever made."
"So, Jet, got any leads as to where this Harry Wang is?" Andy asked.
"Have you checked in your pants?" Applederry said. "Heh heh."
"He's supposed to be at the famous restaurant, the Oasis Lodge," Jet said. "It's in the middle of the oasis in the middle of a desert in the middle of Io. Yes sir, smack dab in the middle."
"In the middle of your pants," Applederry said.
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Andy, Jet, and the others stepped into the Oasis Lodge. A tall, well-built man walked up to them.
"Hello!" the man said. "Welcome to my Oasis Lodge!"
"Good afternoon!" Edward said.
"Nice to meet you," Faye said.
"My name is Harry Richards, but all of my friends call me Big Harry Dick," the man said. Edward, Andy, and Applederry all began to laugh.
"What's wrong with them?" Jet asked.
"They're immature," Faye said. She turned to Richards. "Have you seen a Harry Wang around here?"
Andy, Applederry, and Edward began laughing again.
"He was in here a while ago, but he left," Richards said.
"Well, if you see Harry Wang again, let me know," Jet said. "I have to get my metal arm back!"
"I will!" Richards said. "And remember, if you want good eating in the desert, you can count on Big Harry-"
Faye covered his mouth.
"We don't want them to have heart attacks," Faye said. "At least the kid anyway."
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Back aboard the Bebop…
"It's hopeless," Jet said. "We'll never find Harry Wang anywhere…"
"Have you looked in your pants?" Applederry yelled. "Bwahahaha!"
"If we want to find Harry Wang, we'll have to go to the source," Andy said. "There's got to be somewhere that porn stars hang out on this planet. Io barely has a million people on it, it can't be that hard to find."
"Found it!" Edward said, typing furiously on her computer. "It says here that they all party at an abandoned factory that used to be owned by the Schwetty Nuts Corporation."
Edward began to giggle.
"They processed almonds and walnuts, that sort of thing," Edward said, trying to stifle more giggles. "I bet we'll find Harry Wang there!"
Andy, Applederry, and Edward all cracked up with laughter. Even Jet and Faye chuckled a little.
"I was thinking about a joke, I swear!" Faye yelled.
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That night, at the abandoned Schwetty Nuts factory…
"We're here," Faye said.
"Harry Wang, here we come!" Jet declared. Applederry began to laugh.
"Sorry," Applederry chuckled.
Faye, Jet, Andy, Ed, and Applederry walked into the factory. There, three men were sitting at a table, drinking coffee.
"Wait a second, Ed, I thought you said all the male porn stars on Io meet here!" Jet said.
"We do," one of the men said.
"Io's a sparsely populated desert moon," another man said, sipping his coffee. "Only three on the whole planet. I'm Tiny Balzac, that-"
Tiny pointed to another man.
"That is Schwetty Johnson," Tiny said, and then pointed to another man. "And that's Harry Wang."
Harry smiled and waved to Jet… with a metal arm.
"Hey!" Jet yelled. "He's got my arm! I knew it!"
Jet ran at Harry and leaped over the table to tackle him. Harry jumped out of the way and punched Jet in the face with the metal arm. Jet staggered back and fell onto the table. Schwetty and Tiny backed off from the table and watched the altercation from the edge of the room.
"Darn it!" Jet yelled. He took out his gun and pointed it at Harry.
"Wait!" Faye yelled. "Notice something about Harry Wang?"
"You do all the time," Applederry said. "Bwahaha-"
Faye punched Applederry in the groin. Applederry doubled over in pain.
"Harry only has one arm! He's like you, Jet!" Faye said.
"That's right," Harry said. "Lost my arm in an accident while filming Nude Raider. I really need this metal arm… you understand, right?"
"I guess so," Jet said. He crawled off of Wang and stood next to the table. "You need that arm too."
Jet started to walk away, but then turned back around.
"But that arm was mine," Jet said. "And you're not getting it without a fight!"
Jet fired off several shots at Wang. Wang rolled off of the table to dodge the bullets, and then punched Jet again with his metal arm. Jet held his nose in pain, and Wang leaped up and kicked Jet to the ground.
"Jet-person!" Edward yelled.
"Argh!" Jet screamed. "Getting hit with that arm freaking hurts!"
Wang got on top of Jet.
"Now I'm gonna show you my number one technique!" Wang said. He grabbed Jet's crotch with his metal arm.
"Argh, no! I give up! I give up! No mas!" Jet yelled.
"That's what I thought," Wang said. He stood up and pointed at Jet. "Get your own metal arm. This one is mine."
Wang began to laugh. Suddenly, Jet's metal arm fell off of Wang and clattered to the floor.
"Wha?" Wang said. In the confusion, Jet grabbed the metal arm back.
"That's the thing about a metal arm," Jet said. "You have to have a doctor screw it back in."
"I'm a doctor!" Schwetty said. He walked over to Jet, took out a screwdriver, and screwed Jet's metal arm back into its socket.
"Why did you do that?" Wang yelled.
"I don't know," Schwetty said. "I guess that because Tiny Balzac got to introduce us and you got to fight the one-armed man, I wanted to do something. Why doesn't Schwetty Johnson get to do anything? Huh? Huh?"
"Thanks," Jet said. "And now…"
Jet grabbed Wang and swung him around a few times with his re-attached metal arm. Then he threw Wang into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.
"Crap," Tiny said. "Now there's only two porn stars on Io."
"Crap," Andy said. "I wanted to beat Harry Wang."
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Back aboard the Bebop…
"Are you sure you want to go back to being a cop?" Faye asked, staring at Jet's face on the videophone.
"Yeah," Jet said. "But I still own Bebop, so don't wreck it up. And thanks for getting my arm back!"
Jet waved with his metal arm, and then disappeared.
"It's not going to be the same without Jet…" Edward sighed.
"That's right! It'll be a whole lot better!" Applederry said.
"Not really," Andy said.
"You know, in all the time I've spent with Jet, I've never even noticed him…" Faye said. The others nodded their heads.
"So…. Who wants to play poker?" Andy asked after an awkward period of silence.
"Me! Me! Ed wants to play!" Edward said.
"You know I'll win," Faye said. "Poker's my game."
"I want to play Old Maid," Applederry said.
"Nobody cares what you want," Faye said. She began to laugh. Ed and Andy joined in as well.
"What's so funny?" Applederry asked. "Now Harry Wang. That was funny."
See you, space cowboy…
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Andy: On the next episode of Bebop, the recent rash of child abductions hits home!
Faye: There's a kidnapper after Edward!
Edward: Uh oh!
Applederry: Nobody's kidnapping my son. Not while Applederry's around!
Faye: Actually, 99% of the time, children are usually kidnapped by their own parents.
Applederry: Oh yeah? *sound of a gun clicking* Nobody kidnaps my Edward!
Andy: You don't have to kill yourself, Applederry. At least not until Jet comes back.
Edward: Edward can outsmart a kidnapper! This'll be fun! *giggles*
Faye: Next episode of Bebop, "Edward's Minuet". What's a minuet?
Andy: I don't know, but your three minuets are up!
Edward: *giggles insanely*