A few reviews!
IluvRikku12: Oooh, Ed with a gun? I've seen fanfics where she had one… but wouldn't Ed with a gun be kinda dangerous? But she is smart! So…
The Review Guy: Greg lives! Barely, but he lives. Killing him would have been the biggest cop-out in fanfiction history.
Retro: Yeah, the whole chapter was filled with dirty jokes! Glad ya liked 'em! Now back to the clean stuff! ^_^
Trunkz: Glad you get laughs from reading my fanfic. Where would you be without me?
Shadow of Mars: Heh heh, you said nuts. Heh heh. ^_^
Blooknaberg: Yup! Ganymede, the watery moon, Callisto, the ice moon, Europa, the forest moon, and Io, the desert moon. After terraforming at least. Like the five elements! ^_^
Katie: Don't worry, Applederry, Ed, and Andy are just as immature as you and I! And Harry Wang didn't do anything bad to Jet's arm. But he was going to! But it's good he didn't! ^_^
NessacusGirl: Sounds like the phone! Yay! And I hope you find your watch. And I'm glad ya liked my immature joke chapter!
Oniyumi: It's "a lot". But you're right, it doesn't matter! Thanks for reviewing!
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Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own John Walsh, because he's a real dude. Even John Walsh IV who is based off of him. Yup.
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
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Edward stood on the sidewalk, looking up at the sky.
"Wow, so many clouds…" Edward said. A white car pulled up beside her. A man stuck his head out of the car.
"Hey, kid," the man said. "Come here."
"What is it?" Edward asked. "Why do you want Edward?"
"I've got candy," the man said. "Lots and lots of candy."
"Oooh, Ed loves candy!" Edward said. "Wait a second. I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers!"
"Aw, come on!" the man said, smiling. "I've got lots of delicious candy!"
"No!" Edward said. She began to walk away. The man got out of the car and began to chase Edward. Ed tried to get away, but the man grabbed her.
"Gotcha!" the man said.
"No, no!" Edward yelled, kicking and biting at the man. "No!"
The man dragged Edward to his car, popped open the trunk, and placed her inside. Then, he slammed the trunk closed. Andy and Faye walked over to the man.
"Again?" Faye said. The man pulled a mask off of his face, revealing that he was, in reality, Applederry. Applederry opened the trunk.
"Aw, I lost again…" Edward said.
"Ed, we're gonna have to keep doing this until you can get away from the kidnapper," Applederry said. "With all the child abductions going on, you have to be prepared."
"But daddy, you're so much tougher than any kidnapper!" Edward said.
"Well, you're right, but still…" Applederry said.
"How about we take a break?" Andy suggested.
"That sounds good," Faye said. "We'll try again after lunch."
"I'll get away next time!" Edward said.
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Session 34- Edward's Minuet
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BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters
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The NEW Paunch: Hello amigos! I'm the NEW Paunch, and have I got a bounty for you!
Crazy Judy: Me too!
The NEW Paunch: In the last three days, five kids have been kidnapped from all over the Solar System!
Crazy Judy: How terrible!
The NEW Paunch: Today we have a special guest! From "The Solar System's Most Wanted", it's John Walsh IV!
John Walsh IV: Hello.
Crazy Judy: Who do you think is abducting these poor children?
John Walsh IV: It's probably a sick sicko dirtbag who likes to prey on innocent kids! We have to catch him now!
The NEW Paunch: John, you've put a huge bounty on the kidnapper.
John Walsh IV: That's right. 100 million wulongs for bringing this scumbag in.
Crazy Judy: Wow! *starts foaming at the mouth* Money… *lunges at John Walsh IV*
John Walsh IV: Back I say! *spin-kicks Crazy Judy away*
The NEW Paunch: Wow, that was great!
---
Aboard the Bebop…
"What a bounty!" Faye exclaimed.
"Yeah…. 100 million!" Andy said.
"Now we really have to catch this guy," Applederry said. "But I don't want my poor Francoise getting hurt!"
"It's Edward, daddy!" Edward said. She turned to Andy. "Let's catch this guy!"
"I don't know," Andy said. "It might be dangerous for you."
"No way!" Edward said. "Edward can handle anything!"
"You couldn't handle the scenario we set up for you," Applederry said. "I'm worried!"
"I have an idea!" Faye said. "But I need Edward!"
"Wait, what are you planning?" Applederry asked.
"A plan!" Faye said, turning to Edward. "Wanna help me catch the kidnapper?"
"Sure!" Edward said, a large smile on her face. "I wanna help Faye-Faye!"
"Great!" Faye said. "We'll be back with 100 million wulongs!"
Faye grabbed Edward by the arm and ran off to the Redtail before Andy and Applederry could say anything in protest.
"I think I know what she's planning, and I don't like it," Applederry said.
"Why are you so concerned about Ed?" Andy asked. "A few weeks ago, you didn't even know she was alive."
"I'm a divorced man with one kid! If Ed dies, who will carry on the glorious DNA of Applederry to the next generation?" Applederry asked.
"Good point," Andy said. "Let's follow them."
---
Faye's Redtail landed in the middle of a crowded city on Mars, causing people nearby to run off in fear. The ship landed, and Faye and Ed got out.
"Okay," Faye said, holding up a sign. "We're going to set a little trap."
"Yay, a trap, a trap!" Edward said, jumping up and down. Faye hung a sign around Edward's neck that read: "Please don't kidnap me. You're being watched."
"It's irresistible!" Faye said. "No evil kidnapper could pass up a chance like this!"
"Oooh…" Edward said, looking at the sign around her neck. "Faye-Faye, I don't know…"
"Hush and try to look as innocent as you can!" Faye said. The Redtail lifted off and landed on the rooftop of a small building where she could see Edward. Suddenly, a car drove up. Applederry hopped out of the car and ran up to Edward.
"What the heck?" Applederry said.
"Faye-Faye and Edward are setting a trap!" Edward said. Applederry frowned.
"FAYE!" Applederry yelled.
"Uh oh," Faye said to herself, seeing the angry Applederry. "I'd better go."
The Redtail lifted into the air and flew off.
"Hey!" Applederry yelled, shaking his fist at the Redtail as it flew overhead. "Come back here!"
"Why did you mess up our trap?" Edward asked. "We were gonna catch him!"
"Ed," Applederry said, taking the sign from around Edward's neck. "That's not how you catch a kidnapper. In every single TV show, where they set a trap like this, the bad guy always grabs whatever is in the trap."
"But this isn't the TV, this is real life!" Edward protested.
"And that's why I can't let you be put in danger," Applederry said. "Now let's go back to the Bebop."
---
Back aboard the Bebop…
"Faye, that was the most irresponsible thing you've ever done!" Andy shouted. "Putting a child in danger. You ought to be ashamed of yourself."
"Yeah!" Applederry said. "My poor son could have been abducted! Or is that my daughter… oh well, it doesn't matter! You put Ed in danger!"
Ed began to cry.
"Why are you guys yelling at Faye-Faye?" Edward cried. "She was trying to help!"
"It's okay," Faye said dejectedly. "Ed, I shouldn't have put you in danger. I'm just gonna go to my room now…"
Faye began to walk off.
"And I'm gonna cry too!" Faye yelled. A door slammed.
"You guys were really mean to Faye-Faye," Edward said. "Really mean!"
Edward ran off to her room and slammed the door.
"Maybe we were mean to Faye-Faye," Andy said. "I mean, Faye. Mean to Faye, I mean. Mean… Applederry, we were mean."
"No we weren't," Applederry said. "We can't let Edward get kidnapped!"
"Well, we won't have to worry about that," Andy said. "She's crying in her room and it's all our faults! I'm so guilty!"
Andy began to cry. He ran upstairs. A door slammed.
"Crybabies," Applederry said. He took out a carton of eggs and began eating them whole. "Mmm, eggs!"
---
Meanwhile, in Edward's room…
"I'm gonna help Faye-Faye catch the kidnapper!" Edward said. "That'll show them!"
Edward walked out of her room and sneaked along the wall until she reached the airlock of the Bebop. She found Andy's space fighter and climbed inside.
"Edward is gonna set a trap of her own to help Faye-Faye catch the kidnapper!" Edward said. "Alright!"
The airlock opened, and Edward flew off toward Mars.
---
The space fighter landed in the same crowded town square on Mars that Faye had brought Edward to earlier. Edward climbed out and took out a cell phone.
"Now to call Faye-Faye!" Edward said. She took out her phone. But just as she was about to dial Faye's number, a large, windowless blue van drove up to Edward. The front door of the van opened, and a shady looking man climbed out.
"Hey kid," the man said. "Want some candy?"
"Who are you?" Edward asked. "You look really shady!"
"I'm Jim Shady. I'm the real Jim Shady. And I have candy," Jim Shady said.
"Oooh, candy!" Edward said. "Wait a minute, I've seen this before!"
Edward gasped.
"You're a kidnapper!" Edward yelled, pointing her finger at Jim Shady.
"No, I'm not," Jim Shady said. "I have candy!"
Edward screamed and began to run from Jim Shady. Jim Shady got out of the van and began to run after Edward.
"Oh no, this is just like that scenario thingy!" Edward thought. "He's gonna get Edward!"
Jim Shady grabbed Edward and began to pull her toward his car.
"Wait a second," Edward thought. "Those poor kidnapped kids might still be alive! If Ed lets Ed get kidnapped, Ed might get taken to where the other kids are! Then Edward can rescue them!"
Jim Shady tossed Edward into the van, opened up the door in the back, and tossed her in. Then he got back into the van and drove off.
---
"Edward's gone!" Applederry shouted, looking into Ed's room. "She snuck out!"
"Argh!" Applederry yelled from the ship's airlock. "My ship!"
"Hey guys," Faye said, walking up to Andy and Applederry with a piece of paper. "I found this note by my door. It's from Edward."
"What does it say?" Andy asked.
"It says that Edward wanted to set up the trap again," Faye said. "Aw, isn't that sweet? She wanted to help me out! She went to Mars-"
Applederry growled in rage and grabbed Faye by her shirt collar. He held her above the ground.
"It's not sweet!" Applederry yelled. "Ed's disappeared and it's all your fault!"
Applederry dropped Faye and pointed at her angrily.
"You made this mess, and you're going to fix it!" Applederry shouted. "You're going to go to Mars right now and get Ed!"
"Alright, alright, geez," Faye said, standing up and brushing herself off. "She's Ed. How much trouble can she get into?"
---
The blue van stopped. Jim Shady walked to the door of the van and opened it up. Edward was sitting inside the van, staring up angrily.
"You meanie," Edward grumbled. "Let Ed go now!"
Jim grabbed Edward and pushed her toward the door of a large, scary-looking house. He opened the door and pushed Edward inside.
"What is this place?" Edward asked.
"You'll see," Jim Shady said. He started to lead Edward down a dark hallway.
"Wait!" Edward yelled. "Tell me where the other kids are!"
"You don't need to know," Jim Shady said.
"I think I do!" Edward yelled. She turned around and kicked Jim in the head. He held his head and staggered backward. Then, she ran away from Jim and up a long, winding stairway.
"Come back here!" Jim Shady yelled, running after Edward. She ducked down a hallway and into a door, stepping into a dark room. She locked the door behind her and slumped down against it, panting heavily.
"Whew," Edward breathed. "That was a really really close one! Now to find those other kids!"
"Hello," came a voice from the darkness. Edward gasped.
---
Faye's Redtail landed in the large town square. Faye stepped out of the small space fighter and looked around.
"Edward?" Faye said. "Where are you?"
"Freeze, dirtbag!" yelled a voice from behind Faye. She turned around to see a grey-haired man pointing a gun at her head.
"Who are you?" Faye asked.
"The kidnapper always returns to the scene of the crime," the man said.
"Wait, I know you!" Faye said. "You're John Walsh IV, from 'Solar System's Most Wanted'!"
"I decided to take matters into my own hands," Walsh IV said. "You child abductors are the lowest pieces of scum on the planet. You make me sick."
"I swear, I'm not the kidnapper!" Faye yelled, waving her arms. "I came to get Edward!"
"Ah ha!" Walsh IV said. "You came to get Edward. She's already been gotten."
"What?" Faye yelled.
"A man came in a blue van and grabbed her a while back," Walsh IV said. "And now I've caught the person who did it! I set a great trap!"
"Um, Mr. Walsh, with all due respect… you said a man kidnapped Edward?" Faye asked. "I'm a woman."
"You got a sex change! I know your type!" Walsh IV yelled.
"Why didn't you grab the kidnapper when he kidnapped Edward?" Faye asked. Walsh IV lowered his gun and frowned.
"Oops," Walsh IV said. "I messed up, didn't I?"
Faye nodded her head.
"We have to save Edward!" Faye said.
"It's hopeless!" Walsh IV yelled. "After the first five minutes, they're dead! Dead I tell you!"
"Wow, you John Walshes have really lost your touch throughout the years, haven't you?" Faye asked.
"I'm a clone," Walsh IV confessed. "I guess they shouldn't have used Carmen Electra's DNA too, huh?"
"I guess so," Faye said. "Don't worry, we'll rescue Edward! Actually, she's really smart! She'll rescue herself!"
"So that means I can take a break?" Walsh IV asked.
"No, we have to try and save Edward anyway," Faye said. "Otherwise Applederry will kill me."
"If he kills you, we'll catch him!" Walsh IV declared. "We'll catch that dirty scummy dirtbag!"
"It was an empty threat," Faye said. "C'mon, let's go."
Faye and John Walsh IV hopped into the Redtail and zoomed off to look for Edward.
---
Meanwhile, inside the dark room…
"Hello?" Edward said tentatively. "Who said that?"
The light in the room flashed on, temporarily blinding Edward. When the blindness subsided, Edward could see a small boy, sitting in a chair against the wall.
"I see Dad's brought me a new playmate," the boy said. "I hope you're better than the others."
"Wha?" Edward said. "What's going on here?"
"Dad's brought me five new friends in the last three days, but none of them were any fun," the boy sighed. "You look like a fun person!"
"You mean… your dad is the kidnapper?" Edward asked.
"He's not a kidnapper!" the boy yelled. "All the kids want to play with me! They do!"
The boy began to cry.
"What's wrong?" Edward asked.
"Nobody wants to be my friend," the boy sobbed.
"Aw, that's okay! Edward will be your friend!" Edward said.
"Really?" the boy asked. Edward nodded and started to walk up to him. Suddenly, she stopped. She sniffed the air. Then, she held her nose.
"Ew!" Edward yelled. "You stink!"
"That's what the other kids said!" the boy yelled. "I stink!"
"Yeah, you do," Edward said. "You need a bath!"
The door opened. Jim Shady stepped into the room.
"Mark, I'm sorry, but your new friend ran away," Jim said. He saw Edward. "You're here?"
"Your kid is stinky!" Edward yelled. "Pee-yoo!"
"Why you… you brat!" Jim yelled. "You're just like all the others!"
"Why don't you ever give Mark a bath?" Edward asked.
"He won't take one!" Jim yelled.
"I don't wanna fall down the drain!" Mark said.
"That's silly," Edward said. "You can't fall down the drain."
"That's what I try to tell him. But he won't take a bath!" Jim said.
"I don't wanna fall down the drain!" Mark shouted, even louder than last time.
"Nobody wants to be friends with him because he smells," Jim said. "So I bring kids here to be friends with him. But none of them want to be!"
"So where are the other kids?" Edward asked.
"That's none of your business!" Jim said. "You'll find out soon enough!"
Jim ran at Edward and tried to grab her. Edward ducked under Jim's legs and ran toward the door.
"You can't catch me!" Edward yelled, blowing raspberries at Jim. "Nyah nyah!"
Edward ducked outside and ran down the hallway. Jim gave chase. Suddenly, a door opened behind her. Strong hands pulled Edward inside, and then the door closed again.
"Where did she go?" Jim yelled, looking around.
---
Meanwhile…
"There, I see the blue van!" Faye yelled, pointing down from the Redtail. She landed the Redtail in front of the large house that belonged to the kidnapper. John Walsh IV and Faye stepped out of the Redtail and looked at the house.
"That must be it!" Walsh IV said. "Just the kind of house that would belong to an evil dirty scumbag kidnapper."
"Let's get him!" Faye yelled, running toward the door. Walsh IV stepped in her way.
"Wait!" Walsh IV yelled. "If you go in there without a plan, you could be killed. This guy is armed and dangerous. Remember, you can remain anonymous!"
"This isn't your show and it isn't TV, it's real life!" Faye yelled. "A very important man taught me that lesson. His name is Cowboy Andy and I hate him!"
---
Edward wrestled free from the grasp of whoever had grabbed her and pushed him away.
"Who are you?" Edward yelled. She was staring into the face of a teenage boy. Two small girls and a small boy were next to him.
"We're the other kids that were kidnapped by the kidnapper," the teenage boy said. "He locked us in here because he wanted us to be as stinky as his stupid kid!"
"He's not stupid!" Edward yelled. "He's a poor, scared little boy! And if you guys were locked in here, how did you open the door?"
"The door opened?" one of the little girls said. "It did!"
Edward opened the door. The five kids rushed out.
"Thank you!" one of the small boys said. The five kids ran down the stairs and out of the house.
"Now to set Mr. Kidnapper and his stinky kid straight!" Edward said, smiling. "Yep!"
---
The five kids ran toward John Walsh IV and Faye.
"The kids!" Faye said.
"Where's Edward?" Walsh IV asked. The five kids ran past Walsh and Faye without a word.
"Oh yeah, don't help us!" Faye yelled. "Great, now we'll never get Edward back."
She pointed at Walsh.
"You won't let us go in the house," Faye said.
"You can't just barge in places. This isn't TV!" Walsh IV said. "This is real life!"
"That's my line!" Faye yelled. "Oooh, you!"
Faye ran past Walsh and into the house.
"You'll be sorry!" Walsh IV yelled. "This isn't real life, this is my show! Oooh, you!"
"That's my line too!" Faye yelled from inside the house.
---
Inside the house…
"I'll find Edward," Faye said. "It'll be easy!"
Suddenly, Jim Shady walked up behind Faye. He grabbed her.
"Hey!" Faye yelled.
"Now that kid will play with my son!" Jim said. "If he wants to get you back!"
"Edward's a girl," Faye said.
"Shut up!" Jim yelled.
"Hey, you kidnapper!" said a voice from behind Jim. "Ya better let Faye-Faye go…."
Jim dropped Faye and turned around to see Edward waving at him.
"Why, you-" Jim said. "You stupid kid! This is all your fault!"
A gun clicked behind Jim.
"Don't move," Faye said, holding her gun to Jim's head.
"Yay, Faye-Faye caught the kidnapper!" Edward cheered.
"Now to get that big bounty!" Faye said.
"Dad!" Mark yelled, running down the stairs.
"Go back to your room," Jim said. "These bounty hunters set a trap for me…"
"That's right!" Faye said. "Although it didn't work out like I wanted… but we still got him!"
Faye handcuffed Jim and began to lead him out of the house.
"No! Daddy!" Mark yelled.
"Wait…" Edward said. "If you arrest him, the poor kid won't have a dad anymore!"
"So?" Faye said. "Money money money! Besides, if we let him go, he'll just kidnap more children. You don't want that!"
"I promise I'll take a bath if you let him go!" Mark yelled. "Then he won't have to kidnap anyone anymore!"
"See, Faye-Faye?" Edward said. "Please?"
"No way," Faye said. "This kidnapper is going to jail."
---
Back aboard the Bebop…
"And Mark took a bath, and now his daddy won't have to kidnap anyone anymore!" Edward said.
"So you didn't turn him in?" Andy asked.
"But he kidnapped you!" Applederry said.
"If he does it again, the tracking thingy I slipped on him will help us catch him!" Edward said. "I'm sure he's nice now though!"
"So Faye let him go," Andy said. "I under-estimated her."
"Well, kinda!" Edward said. "You see…"
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Inside the Redtail…
"Edward, come back here right now!" Faye yelled. Her hands were tied to the Redtail's steering wheel. "Darn it, Ed! I promise I won't get mad! Ed?"
Faye frowned.
"I'm hungry!" Faye yelled.
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Faye: Next episode of Bebop, I get my revenge on Edward!
Edward: Ed said she was sorry…
Faye: Don't worry, no hard feelings! Although 100 million wulongs would have been nice… but anyway, next episode, I enter a beauty pageant!
Andy: But somebody is killing the contestants!
Faye: Who could be doing such a thing? Oh well, I'll get to the bottom of it!
Edward: You go, Faye-Faye!
Faye: Next episode of Bebop, "Pretty Pageant Party People"! Say that four times fast!
Applederry: I'm not even gonna try.
Faye: Quitter!