A few reviews!
NessacusGirl: I've only been through 2 watches… wearing my 3rd right now! And don't worry, Faye and Ed have patched it up! I think!
Trunkz: I'm not even going to try to say it. Now I'm gonna write it!
Katie: Aw, don't cry! It'll be okay! You can hug Edward! ^_^
Shadow of Mars: Yeah, thought it was a bit less funny… there's nothing really funny about child abductions ('cept for that one South Park episode), but I think I did pretty good under the circumstances.
The Review Guy: Yeah, but Mark's not mean, he's just stinky.
IluvRikku17: Well, Vicious may come back, but not in this chapter! But I'm sure you'll like it!
Blooknaberg: Toy Boat! Toy Boat! Boy Toit! Toi Boit! Ug… anyway, yeah, but maybe Applederry's TOO overprotective!
Nowhere Man: I'm telling ya, it's Wulongs… *sighs*
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Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I wish I could have my own beauty contest… there would be an interview, and a swimsuit competition, and a birthday suit competition… wait, forget the last one.
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
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Faye ran up to Andy, carrying a large piece of paper.
"Andy, Andy, guess what?" Faye asked.
"Chicken butt," Andy said.
"No, better than that! It's a beauty pageant!" Faye said happily. "Guess what the prize is?"
"Chicken butt?" Andy said.
"No, it's 1,000,000 wulongs! A million!" Faye said.
"Chicken butt," Andy replied.
"Stop that," Faye said.
"If you actually think you'll win one of those things, you're crazy," Applederry said. "Those things are corrupt. And besides, even if they weren't you wouldn't win."
"Why?" Faye asked.
"Because you're ugly," Applederry said.
"Faye-Faye's prettiful!" Edward said, spinning around and around. "Yes Faye-Faye is! Pretty Faye-Faye!"
"See, Ed thinks I'd win," Faye said.
"You know what happened at the last beauty pageant, don't you?" Applederry asked. "Somebody killed five of the contestants."
"What?" Faye yelled.
"Yep yep! Killer thriller!" Edward said. "Faye-Faye shouldn't go to the contest, nope! But Faye-Faye would win… oooh, hard decision. What does Andy think?"
"Chicken butt," Andy said.
"That's all you can say! That's all you can say! That's all you can say!" Edward chanted.
---
Session 35: Pretty Pageant Party People
---
The Bebop hovered over a large building in the middle of a large city on Mars. Andy, Applederry, Faye, and Edward stepped out.
"Are you sure you wanna do this, Faye-Faye?" Edward asked.
"I still haven't thought up a plan to get revenge on you," Faye said. "You cost me my bountyhead!"
"Must we introduce continuity into this series?" Andy asked. "I mean, really-"
"She tied me to my freaking steering wheel!" Faye whined.
"Chicken butt," Andy said.
"I am getting no help from you whatsoever," Faye said, walking up to the front of the building, followed by Ed.
"Andy and I have to have the bathroom," Applederry said.
"The bathroom," Andy said. "Chicken butt."
Andy and Applederry ran off.
"What's their problem?" Faye asked.
"Grouchy Faye! Grouchy Faye! Ooh la la!" Edward said.
"Whatever," Faye grumbled. She walked up to the front desk, at which sat a smiling old woman. "Hello, my name is Faye Valentine, and I would like to enter the beauty pageant."
"Faye, is that you?" the old woman asked.
"Who are you?" Faye asked.
"Don't you remember? I'm from your old high school," Faye said.
"That's impossible. You're not Sally," Faye said.
"My name is Betty. I'm another of your old classmates," the old woman said.
"Oh, I remember you! You're the one that said you never wanted to grow old!" Faye said.
"Don't remind me," Betty grumbled. She turned to Edward. "Would you like to enter the junior division?"
"Hmmm… junior for Edward?" Edward asked. "Junior senior junior junior… okay!"
"Great! You're both entered," Betty said. "Have a nice day, and watch out for that killer."
"We will," Faye said. Suddenly, another woman dressed in a pink gown and geisha makeup walked up to the table.
"Hello," the woman said in an unnaturally high-pitched voice. "My name is Andrea Oniyate."
"Hmm?" Faye said. She turned to look at the woman. "Don't I know you from somewhere?"
"Chicken butt," 'Andrea' said, winking at Faye. 'She' walked into the large building.
"What the… oooh, I'll show him!" Faye huffed, running after 'Andrea'.
"Hee hee, silly Faye-Faye and Andy-person!" Edward said. Applederry walked up to her.
"Don't tell anyone, but Andy's competing in the contest disguised as a woman named 'Andrea'," Applederry whispered.
"Oooh, okay!" Edward said. "No tell!"
---
Inside the dressing room…
"Hey you, I know it's you!" Faye said, poking the disguised Andy on the shoulder.
"Chicken butt," Andy said.
"Stop saying that!" Faye shrieked. "I'm going to expose you for the fraud you are!"
"I wouldn't do that in front of all these ladies," Andy whispered. "I want to catch the killer as bad as you do."
"I know, but still-"
"Chicken butt," Andy said.
"Oooh, you!" Faye whined.
---
Meanwhile, on stage, the Junior Division was taking place.
"And we've reached the final round with these three lovely little girls!" said the announcer. "Aren't they precious?"
"Awww!" the audience went.
The announcer walked up to Edward.
"Hello, miss. What's your name?" the announcer asked.
"Hmmm…" Edward said.
---
A few minutes ago…
"Remember, use your real name!" Applederry said. "Francoise!"
"Why should Ed use her silly Frenchy-poo name?" Edward asked.
"Because it's feminine. Edward is a boys' name," Andy said.
"Edward is a cool name," Edward protested.
"Please?" Applederry said.
"Okay, since father-person asked Ed nicely. Ed's temporarily temp name is Francoise!"
---
"Francoise Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 4th!" Edward said.
"Er, isn't that a really long name?" the announcer asked.
"It's a cool name!" Edward said. "Except Francoise. I don't like it. I want to be called Edward!"
"Aw, isn't that sweet?" the announcer said.
"Edward, yes! Edward!" Edward said.
"Er, alright," the announcer said. "If you had one wish, what would it be?"
"Hmmm…" Edward said, putting her finger to her chin. "It would be to have peace in the whole wide world! And for people to call me Edward!"
"That's two wishes," the announcer said. "Isn't that sweet?"
"Awww…" the audience went.
The announcer interviewed the other two girls, and then walked to center stage.
"The winner of the Junior Division is… Francoise Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 4th! Or Edward for short!" the announcer yelled.
"Woohoo!" Edward cheered, doing cartwheels on the stage. "Yay! Victory for Edward!"
---
Meanwhile, in the dressing room…
"Alright," Faye said, looking at herself in the mirror. She was wearing a stunning purple bikini. "The swimsuit competition is first."
Faye turned to Andy.
"Finally you'll be revealed for the fraud you…" Faye said before stopping in mid-sentence. Andy was wearing a beautiful golden two-piece, but 'her' most remarkable feature was easily 'her' ample 'bosom'.
"Like them?" Andy said, pointing to his fake 'breasts'. "Genuine pillow stuffing. They're bigger than yours!"
"They're fake!" Faye yelled.
"As fake as yours," Andy said.
"Mine are real!" Faye whined. "I swear!"
"Chicken butt," Andy said, walking out of the dressing room and onto the stage.
"Oooh, you!" Faye whined.
---
Back on stage…
"And Andrea Oniyate looks stunning in that golden bikini!" the announcer said as Andy walked past. "And here's our next contestant, Faye Valentine!"
Faye walked past the announcer and stood next to Andy.
"I'll show them," Faye grumbled. Suddenly, she began to pull down Andy's top. Andy gasped in horror and pushed Faye away.
"Ew, you pervert!" Andy shrieked.
"Now now, Miss Valentine, we all love lesbians, but please do that on your own time," the announcer said. The audience began to laugh.
"Grrr… I'll show you!" Faye yelled.
"Chicken butt," Andy said.
---
Meanwhile, in the dressing room…
"Heh heh," said a dark-robed figure wearing a Scream mask. "Time to make some people die!"
The figure slipped a pill into the drinks of two of the women, and then disappeared just as the women (and man) reentered the dressing room.
"You tried to touch my boobs," Andy said, taking a drink out of his glass of water. "Sick freak."
"You don't have boobs!" Faye yelled.
"You're just jealous that mine are bigger," Andy said, taking another sip.
"I am not!" Faye yelled. "Oooh, you!"
Faye took her glass of water and splashed it at Andy's face. Andy casually moved his head to the side, dodging the water.
"You have a temper," Andy said.
"I'll get you!" Faye shrieked. She took more glasses of water and splashed them at Andy, but he dodged them all.
"Hey!" one of the other contestants yelled. "That was my water!"
"Andrea's a guy, can't you see?" Faye asked. "Can't you?"
"Chicken butt," Andy said.
"We both qualified for the next round," Faye said. "The talent competition. You'll lose because you have no talent."
"Chicken butt," Andy said.
---
Back on stage…
"Now Miss Valentine," the announcer said. "What is your talent?"
"I can beat you at cards," Faye said.
"Really?" the announcer asked. He produced a deck of cards. "Show me."
"Any game you want," Faye said.
"Strip poker," the announcer replied.
"Why do they always want to play that game?" Faye thought.
Five minutes later, the announcer was stripped down to his underwear.
"You're talented," the announcer said.
"I know," Faye said. "You WISH you could have beaten me."
The announcer moved on to Andy.
"Alright, Miss Oniyate," the announcer said. "What's your talent?"
"I can sing," Andy said. He took the microphone.
"Oh no," Faye thought.
"This is a little song I like to call 'Chicken Butt'. It goes out to my new friend and fellow competitor Faye Valentine," Andy said.
"Aww, how sweet," the announcer said.
"Here goes," Andy said. He began to sing.
ANNOY!
Dreamin' dreamin' dreamin' 'bout the chicken butt
Very very annoying is the chicken butt
Say it say it say it say the chicken butt
Just to be annoying it's the chicken butt
Say it when you feel like it
Annoying
Annoying
It is bad for your social life
Baby it's true
But if you say it enough times
It's fun
It's fun
Sayin' sayin' sayin' just the chicken butt
Only thing that I can say is chicken butt
You just gotta be satisfied with chicken butt
The only thing you'll get from me is chicken butt
Say it all the time
Annoying
Annoying
Long as it's the only thing you say
Baby it's true
Makes people want to end their lives
Cause it's
So annoying
ANNOY!
The audience erupted into mad cheers.
"Argh! My ears!" Faye shrieked. "Grrr…"
Andy took a bow.
"Thank you, thank you," Andy said.
---
Back in the dressing room…
"Well Faye, we're the final two contestants," Andy said. "Isn't that great?"
"Chicken butt," Faye said.
"What?" Andy said.
"Chicken butt," Faye grumbled.
"Oh, come on Faye, I was just having fun with you…" Andy said.
"Chicken butt," Faye grumbled again.
"Look, if it makes you feel better I'll drop out of the contest. Would that be alright?" Andy asked. "You said it yourself, I shouldn't even be in this thing."
"Chicken butt," Faye said. She started to walk out of the dressing room.
"Fine, fine, be that way," Andy said. "I said I was sorry…"
Suddenly, a hand came out from behind a clothes rack, and a rag was pressed over Andy's mouth. He quickly passed out.
"Mwahaha!" said the dark-robed figure triumphantly as he stood above the unconscious Andy. "My poison pills didn't work, but at least I get to kill someone today."
The figure took off her mask to reveal that she was, in reality, Faye's old classmate Betty.
"Young whippersnappers, think they're hotter than me," Betty said. "All young and beautiful. I used to be young and beautiful too! Now you're gonna die!"
"Andy," Faye said as she walked into the dressing room. "Look, all I wanted was some encouragement. You don't have to drop out of the contest. I forgive you."
No reply.
"Andy?" Faye said. She turned to look straight into the eyes of her old classmate Betty. "Betty, what are you doing-"
Just then, Faye saw Andy passed out on the floor. She gasped.
"That's right, Faye!" Betty said. "I'm the killer!"
"Why, Betty, why?" Faye asked.
"Because you're young and beautiful, and I'm old and wrinkled!" Betty said. "All off you young whippersnappers!"
"First of all, the girl you just knocked out isn't a girl, it's a guy. That's my friend, Andy. And second of all, I'm going to arrest-"
"You whippersnappers have such big and beautiful breasts!" Betty shrieked, taking off her robe and her shirt. "Look at my boobs! They sag! I'm old! Why aren't you old, Faye?"
"Golfing accident," Faye said. "Long story."
Faye pointed her gun at Betty.
"You're under arrest," Faye said.
"You wouldn't do this to me," Betty said. "Look at me! I'm an old woman! And I'm your friend!"
"Actually, you were one of those preppy kids that made fun of me and my friends," Faye said. "You were never my friend."
"Shucks, you remembered," Betty said.
---
Back aboard the Bebop…
"I got five million for turning Betty in and one million for winning the pageant!" Faye said. "Six million wulongs!"
"That's great, Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "Ed won too!"
"I know!" Faye said. "Edward, I'm not mad at you anymore. You rock!"
"Yay!" Edward cheered.
Faye turned to Andy, who was now in his normal clothes.
"Isn't there something you want to say to me?" Faye asked.
"Not really," Andy said.
"I saved your life," Faye said. "Now say it."
"I don't want to," Andy grumbled.
"Say it!" Faye yelled.
"Alright," Andy said. His lips curved into a smile. "Chicken butt."
"Grrr…" Faye growled.
Andy's scream of pain could be heard for miles.
"Showed him," Faye growled, walking off.
"I said I was sorry…" Andy said weakly.
See you, space chicken…
---
Andy: That's wack, dawg!
Applederry: Huh?
Andy: Feel the beat, yo!
Edward: Um… okay!
Faye: What's going on? What's that scratching noise?
Andy: Next episode, we be rappin' in style on da Bebop!
Faye: *screams* My records!
Andy: Da next episode of Bebop be funky fresh! Next episode: "Rapped Between A Rock and A Hard Place"! You touch mah chain, imm'a kill you!
Edward: Long title, oooh…
Faye: You scratched up my records! Imm'a kill you, Cowboy Andy!
Andy: Now you be gettin' da hang of it!