A few reviews!
Katie: Aw, sorry I made ya snort so much. My advice: don't drink anything while reading The Funnier Sessions. Especially soda pop.
Blooknaberg: Chicken Bone parody, yup! Uh oh, looks like I started a craze…
Homie G (AKA NessacusGirl): Yay! Edward wins! *waves hands in the air like he doesn't care*
Nowhere Man: I guess that's okay… it's wulongs. ^_^
The Review Guy: Yep, uh-huh, it's rap! G!
Woodstock: No, not 80s-revival. Rap! Rap in da house! Yeah!
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Disclaimer: I don't be ownin' Cowboy Bebop, or none of da characters. So don't sue me, or I'll bust a cap in yo… yeah. G!
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters be OOC. Just warning you now.
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BIGGERSHOT: The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters
The NEW Paunch: Judy, we're going after a VERY bad guy today!
Crazy Judy: How bad is he?
The NEW Paunch: He's bad!
*A picture of a pale white guy with a big red letter "S" tattooed on his head appears on the screen.*
The NEW Paunch: Scotty Scienbar, also known as the rap superstar Esines, is wanted for 50 counts of weapons possession, 30 counts of drug possession, and 10 counts of a gun filled with drugs possession!
Crazy Judy: Well, you know what they say! Possession is nine-tenths of the law!
The NEW Paunch: What's the bounty on this guy?
Crazy Judy: Well… *starts foaming at the mouth*
The NEW Paunch: Uh oh! I'll just say that this guy is worth 3 million wulongs! *is tackled by Crazy Judy*
"Hey guys," Faye yelled from the other room. "I'm taking Ed to her first concert tonight."
"It's a rap concert!" Ed yelled. "Esines!"
"Esines is a criminal," Andy said. "The TV says he's worth 3 million dollars if we bring him in."
"And I don't want you going to that concert anyway!" Applederry yelled. "He uses too many curse words in his music."
"Ed won't use those words!" Edward said. "Please can Ed go see Esines?"
"Wait a second," Faye said, walking into the room. "Three million wulongs?"
"Yeah," Andy said.
"If there's a bounty on him, why is he giving a concert?" Faye asked.
"He's not too bright," Andy said. "But there'll probably be a lot of other bounty hunters there to catch him."
"I'm going to get him," Faye said. She turned to Edward. "And you're not gonna ruin it for me, you Esines fangirl you."
"Edward will help Faye-Faye, okay?" Edward said. "Edward thought you were the big Esines fan."
"Not anymore," Faye said. "Three million wulongs, here I come!"
---
Session 36: Rapped Between A Rock And A Hard Place
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Meanwhile, in Esines' hood…
"Yo g, I got some guns," Esines said, dropping several guns onto a pawnbroker's desk. "How much money you gonna give me?"
"Hey S, don't you know you've got a bounty on your head?" the pawnbroker asked. "You oughta be careful."
"Don't be tellin' me what to do, dawg!" Esines yelled, pointing one of his guns at the pawnbroker. "I'mma kill you!"
"It's not even loaded," the pawnbroker said.
"Shut up, g! I'mma kill you!" Esines yelled again. "You (bleep)! I know what I'mma do. I'mma write a rap 'bout you and sing it tonight at the concert. So there!"
Esines ran out of the pawn shop in a rage.
---
Meanwhile, the Bebop was landing in the middle of Esines' hood. Andy and Faye stepped out, leaving Applederry and Edward in the ship. Andy was riding his horse.
"If we're going to catch Esines, we've got to start in his hood," Applederry said.
"Why do we have to come to this dirty old place?" Faye asked. "Why can't we just wait for the concert?"
"Because he's vulnerable here," Andy said. "Now, I got an inside tip that said that Esines lives somewhere on 10 Mile."
"Where's that?" Faye asked.
"It's a street," Andy said. "Hurry!"
Andy's horse began to gallop away. Faye dashed after him.
"Wait!" Faye yelled. "You don't know where 10 Mile is!"
"It's 10 miles from here!" Andy yelled.
"No it's not!" Faye screamed. "Andy!"
---
Meanwhile, aboard the Bebop…
"Edward's going to a concert!" Edward cheered, doing cartwheels all over the ship.
"We're only going so we can catch Esines," Applederry said. "And if Andy and Faye catch him, we won't even go to the concert."
"Aw, Edward wanted to go to a concert…" Edward sighed, sitting down.
"If you're good, I'll take you to the Five Hot Guys concert next week!" Applederry said.
"Really?" Edward asked.
"I promise," Applederry said.
"Yay! Yay! Five Hot Guys! Hot Guys Five! For Edward! Yay!" Edward cheered.
---
"Who's dis ship belong to?" Esines asked, turning to his three homies.
"I dunno. Looks like it be some fishing ship!" said Homie 1.
"Let's vandalize it!" Homie 2 said.
"Let's rob it!" Homie 3 suggested.
"No, no, no," Esines said. "Let's go in dere and kick some (bleep)!"
"Alright!" the three homies said in unison.
---
Back inside the Bebop, Edward and Ein were rolling on the floor.
"Stop that," Applederry said. "That dog probably has fleas."
"Fleas?" Edward said. She looked Ein straight in the eyes. "Does Ein-doggy have fleas?"
Ein barked.
"Doggy-person says he doesn't have any fleas!" Edward said. Suddenly, voices could be heard on the ship. Applederry stood up.
"Are Faye-Faye and Andy-person back?" Edward asked.
"I don't think so," Applederry said.
"Oooh, bad guys on Bebop!" Edward said. "Get 'em, get 'em, father person!"
Esines and his three homies walked into the room.
"Alright, let's whoop these suckas!" Esines said. The three homies rushed at Applederry and immediately had their butts kicked. Badly.
"That was pathetic," Applederry said. "Hey, you're that Esines guy!"
Edward gasped.
"Esines was Edward's hero!" Edward yelled. "Wait, no he wasn't. Ed just wanted to go to a concert. But it's the principle of the thing!"
"Edward?" Applederry said.
"Um… bad bad Esines!" Edward yelled. "Esines is bad!"
"Uh… Esines be outta here, dawgs!" Esines yelled. He ran off.
"Go after him, father-person!" Edward yelled.
"We'll wait for the concert," Applederry said. "Then I can kick his butt in front of an audience!"
"Oooh!" Edward said. "Good for father-person!"
---
Meanwhile, in the middle of Esines' hood…
"Andy," Faye said, now sitting behind Andy on his horse. "We've looked all over and we still can't find 10 Mile…"
"Wait, there it is!" Andy said. He pointed to a street sign that said "10 Mile" on it.
"Oh, there it is," Faye said. "You were lying! It was nine miles away!"
"Shut up, little lady," Andy said. The horse rode into a small group of abandoned buildings.
"This place is scary," Faye said.
"It's called 'the projects'," Andy said. "I remember when we had this project in school, and I kept putting it off…"
"That's not why it's called 'the projects', Andy," Faye said. "It's not that kind of project!"
"Same difference," Andy said. He got off the horse and walked up to a group of teenagers. "Hello, kids. Have you seen Esines lately?"
"He's preparin' for his concert," one of the teenagers said. "Seems some punk dude and his punk kid beat up his homies, and he wants revenge."
"Really?" Andy asked. "Crap, other bounty hunters got to him first."
"You guys be bounty hunters?" another teenager asked. "Y'all tryin' to catch Esines, aren't you?"
"We gonna mess y'all up!" said another teenager.
"Uh oh," Faye said. "Andy, we gotta run!"
Suddenly, Andy and Faye were surrounded by a group of twenty angry teenagers, all of them carrying illegally possessed guns.
"We're trapped!" Andy yelled.
"We gonna kill you," the leader of the angry teens said. "But if you can beat me in a rapping contest, we might let you suckas live."
"Uh… okay," Andy said. "That sounds good."
"I'll go first," the leader of the teenagers said. "Listen to mah funky beat!"
I'm a gangsta, and it's plain to see
I'm gonna mess you up and (bleep) (bleep)
(bleep) yo momma and (bleep) yo dad
And (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) yo dumb dog
(bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) you too, (bleep)
The teens cheered wildly.
"What was that?" Faye asked. "It was just a random string of insults and obscenities."
"Looks like my rap wins, dawg," the angry teen said. "Unless you posers have something better."
"If all you have to do to make these guys happy is curse a lot, then…" Andy thought.
"Well, I'm no rapper, but Faye is," Andy said.
"What?" Faye whined. "But-"
Andy whispered something in Faye's ear.
"WHAT?" Faye screamed. "Why you (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)! (bleep) you! (bleep) you, you (bleep) Cowboy Andy! (bleep)ing stupid (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) cowboy! (bleep)ing (bleep)!
The teens stared at Faye, and began clapping.
"Whoa!" the angry teens' leader said. "That was the best rap evuh!"
"Faye Valentine, you be the best rappuh in da hood!" another one of the teens said.
"Andy, can we go to the concert now?" Faye asked.
---
A while later, elsewhere on Mars, in a huge concert building…
"This Esines concert's gonna be awesome!" Edward yelled. "Yay!"
"I thought Esines attacked you guys," Andy said.
"Oh yeah, he did," Edward said. "Ed forgot!"
"So where's Faye?" Applederry asked.
"Backstage, trying to get to Esines," Andy said. "I told her to wait until he actually came out on stage, but you know Faye."
---
Backstage…
"I'll rap you for it," Faye said to a guard standing in front of the backstage door. "And if I win, you have to let me backstage to Esines."
"Esines said not tuh let any suckas backstage," the guard said. "Now can you dig that?"
"(bleep) you," Faye said.
"Whoa, that was pretty good!" the guard said. "I'd let you in, but you know, Esines said not to."
"(bleep)ing (bleep)!" Faye yelled.
"You're almost as good as Esines," the guard said. "Almost."
---
Meanwhile, on stage…
"There he is!" Edward yelled. "Esines!"
Esines walked out on stage.
"Alright, who is ready to rap?" Esines yelled. The crowd cheered.
"Alright, who's ready to catch this guy?" Andy asked. He started to walk on stage, but was quickly blocked off by several other bounty hunters who were also trying to catch Esines.
"Uh oh," Esines said. "Bounty hunters… I gotta get the (bleep) outta here!"
Esines quickly ran toward the backstage door. When he opened it, he was confronted by a smiling Faye.
"Hello, Esines," Faye said seductively. "Guess what? I'm gonna catch you and turn you in for money!"
"Aaaah!" Esines yelled. He backed up, right into Andy.
"Good thing Applederry knocked out all those other bounty hunters," Andy said. "Alright, Esines, I've got you!"
"Oh no!" Esines screamed.
"Andy, I'm catching him!" Faye yelled. "Me! Me!"
"I'm catching him, Faye," Andy said. "Don't make me say 'chicken butt' again."
"You wouldn't dare!" Faye yelled.
"Wait, wait," Esines said. "Tell you two what. I'll let one of you catch me. The winner… of a rap contest."
"Me rap against her?" Andy asked.
"Yeah, I'd cuss him out," Faye said.
"Rapping isn't all cussing," Esines said. "It's only 75% cussing!"
"Alright, here goes," Andy said.
My name's Cowboy Andy
And I'm the man
I'm Cowboy Andy
And I'm number one
My identity is Cowboy Andy
I'm the best, oh yeah
Faye laughed.
"That's pathetic!" Faye yelled. "You're just stating your name and the fact that you're number one. Ha!"
Faye began to rap.
Your name's Cowboy Andy
And your rap sucks
(bleep) (bleep) (bleep)
It really sucks
You think you're number one
You think you're the man
But (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)
I've got the master plan
(bleep) yeah
"Hey, you said you wouldn't cuss!" Andy yelled.
"Shut the (bleep) up," Faye said.
"That's wack!" Esines said. "My rap's fresh, and yours is sad. You both rap worse than my granddad. Rap's not about cussing or being number one. It's about doing your own thing and having fun!"
"He's right," Andy said. "Faye, we've had the wrong idea all along."
"Yeah," Faye said. "Esines has taught us so much…"
"And now it's time for me to go," Esines said. "So goodbye cowboy and goodbye ho!"
Esines ran past Faye and Andy and out the emergency exit door.
"He's such a nice teacher," Andy said.
"Wait a minute," Faye said. "We… we have to catch him!"
"He's gone," Andy said. "He's long gone."
"(bleep)," Faye said.
---
Back aboard the Bebop…
"So you didn't catch him," Applederry said.
"Did Faye-Faye and Andy-person learn how to rap?" Edward asked.
"Yes we did, we learned how to rap," Andy said. "Now our grooves don't sound like crap!"
"We used to be sad, but now we're the best," Faye said. "And all of our raps pass the test."
"That's nice," Edward said. "But where's the cussing?"
"Yeah," Applederry said. "Without cussing, you're not (bleep)."
"Aw, (bleep)," Faye said.
"I have a public image to maintain," Andy said. "I can't cuss. So there!"
See you, wholesome cowboy…
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Edward: Christmas! Merry Christmas! And Happy New Year!
Faye: It's Christmas on Bebop, and we're chasing after a real Grinch!
Andy: When a criminal steals Edward's Christmas presents, we have to chase him down!
Applederry: No one steals presents from my son!
Faye: Daughter.
Applederry: Whatever.
Edward: It's a Bebop holiday special!
Andy: Next on Bebop: "A Very Bebop Christmas"! Oh, please get Ed's presents back…