A few reviews!
Homie A (Blooknaberg): Yup, Eminem! So much bleeping cussing! ^_^ Whole Cowboy Cereal… yum.
The Review Guy: Hmm… a Christmas episode! Like this! Hee hee!
Katie: Glad ya didn't snort as much. Whoa, you read late! Glad you liked the chapter, thanks for reviewing!
Nowhere Man: I like eating woulongs, yum.
Homie G (NessacusGirl): Aaah! Street slang! Don't hurt me nice gang person! *runs* Hee hee, thank you! *hugs* I hope Ed gets her presents back too!
IluvRikku: Alrighty! I don't know if there's gonna be a BIGGERSHOT this time though!
Woodstock: Possession… yeah. He wasn't even using those drugs or guns either! Poor Esines… Five Hot Guys, a heavy metal band? Hmmm…
Lem: Nice to see you reviewing again! Glad you liked the chapter! I hope you write more of your fanfic soon!
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Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. I also don't own Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hannukah, New Year's, or any of those other holidays, so Santa Claus can't sue me. So there.
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
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Edward ran into the main room of the Bebop. In the center of the room was a large, lightly-decorated Christmas tree.
"Guess what day it is?" Edward said. "Guess guess guessing time!"
"I don't know," Faye said.
"Thanksgiving?" Applederry asked.
"Halloween?" Andy said.
"Not even clooooose!" Edward said.
"Hmm… maybe… Christmas?" Faye said.
"Bingo! Bingo for Faye-Faye! It's Christmas Day, Ed's favorite day of the whole wide year!"
"Ed," Applederry said. "We have something to tell-"
"Not now, not now! Presents presents presents!" Edward said.
"Well, you see, the thing about that is-" Andy began.
"Can we open presents or do we hafta eat breakfast first?" Edward asked.
"Look under the tree, Edward," Applederry said.
"You mean where Edward put her presents to you and you guys put your presents to Edward and Santa-person put presents for every person?" Edward asked. She looks under the tree, and gasped.
"Someone must have come last night while we were sleeping. They took all our presents," Andy said. "I'm sorry…"
Tears began to pool in Edward's eyes.
"No… no presents for Edward?" Edward asked. "Santa came… no presents?"
"Maybe Santa took our presents to give to other children," Faye said.
"Santa-person's nice, but he's not Robin Hood! Santa doesn't steal presents!" Edward cried.
"Well," Andy said, picking a small brown leather wallet off of the ground. "This might help. He left his wallet. It seems the guy's name is Morty Bickle. Edward, check out the criminal history on-"
"Morty Bickle, wanted for petty theft and attempted carjacking," Edward said, sniffling twice. "And now for stealing Bebop's Christmas! Ed and Bebop will get him, won't we, Ein?"
Ein barked.
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Session 37- A Very Bebop Christmas
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BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters
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The NEW Paunch: Today on Biggershot, we're going after a real live Christmas Grinch!
Crazy Judy: Wow, a Grinch? What did he do?
The NEW Paunch: Morty Bickle is wanted for petty theft, attempted carjacking, and his most recent crime, stealing a whole bunch of Christmas presents!
Crazy Judy: What a sick, sick man! Kinda like me, only I'm not a man and I'm not THAT sick.
The NEW Paunch: Well, I don't know…
Crazy Judy: The bounty on Bickle is 257,809 wulongs and Christmas dinner with the crew of Bebop, whom he stole the Christmas presents from!
The NEW Paunch: Not a big bounty, but come on, it's Christmas! *takes out a gun* I know I'll be going after that sick Christmas Grinch!
Crazy Judy: Me too! But I need this straitjacket to come off first.
The NEW Paunch: Oh no, Judy! You're crazy!
Crazy Judy: You ruined my Christmas! *tackles The NEW Paunch and starts chewing on his face*
"You put up a quarter of a million wulongs to catch this guy?" Faye asked. "That's a lot of money!"
"Applederry put up half," Andy said.
"And Edward put some in too!" Edward said. "Now Ed will help Bebop get its Christmas back!"
"We need to go after him too," Andy said. "If someone else catches him, they could take the presents."
"People wouldn't be that mean on Christmas," Applederry said. "Let's just stay here and enjoy-"
"Ed and Faye are gone," Andy said. "If Faye catches him, she'll get our money and gamble it away."
"We have to stop her!" Applederry shouted, running to the Bebop's controls. "Let's go!"
Suddenly, the videophone on the Bebop rang. Andy turned it on. Jet's face appeared on the screen.
"Hey guys, Merry Christmas!" Jet said. "Where's Ed and Faye?"
"Someone came last night and took our presents," Andy said. "Ed and Faye went after him."
"Oh yeah, I just saw on the Biggershot show," Jet said. "Rest assured, I'll help you guys catch him."
"Thanks, pal," Applederry said.
"You know, this wouldn't have happened if I was still with you guys," Jet said.
"You still own the ship," Andy said. "You can come back any time you want."
"Really?" Jet asked.
"But not now," Applederry said. "The ship's too messy."
"You made a mess on my ship?" Jet roared. "Why I oughta-"
Andy quickly pressed the "end" button, cutting off the connection.
"Well, let's try to catch this Grinch, shall we?" Andy asked.
"Alrighty," Applederry said. "Let's go!"
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Meanwhile, the Redtail was landing in the same small town on Callisto where the Jerry Springer show had taken place back several months ago.
"Tomato says that the mean Grinch-person lives here," Edward said.
"This place?" Faye asked. "This is where all the gay guys live…"
Just then, three sexy female supermodels walked past the Redtail, waving.
"Huh?" Faye said. "I thought this town was full of gay men…"
A man walked past the Bebop. He had two supermodels hanging on him, one leaning on each shoulder. Faye hopped out of the Redtail.
"I'm getting to the bottom of this," Faye said.
"But what about catching the guy that stole our presents?" Edward asked.
"Let's visit the mayor of this town," Faye said. "He'll have some answers, and maybe we can find out exactly where this Bickle guy lives."
"Okay, Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "Lead the way!"
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The Bebop hovered over Callisto.
"The Redtail landed here," Andy said.
"This dude lives on Callisto?" Applederry asked. "Isn't that the hooker capital of the solar system?"
"No wonder he wants to live there," Andy said. "Of course, a wholesome cowboy like me has no need for cheap hookers."
"Whatever," Applederry said. "Land the ship, fast!"
"You like hookers?" Andy asked.
"Who doesn't," Applederry said. "Notice that I have no wife anymore."
"She divorced you because you solicited hookers?" Andy asked. "See, that's why you don't-"
"Actually, she died of a disease," Applederry said. "That's when I solicited the hookers."
"Stop talking about hookers!" Andy yelled. "I'm not setting this ship down until you promise me that you won't solicit any hookers while we're on Callisto."
"What about after we leave?" Applederry asked.
"No hookers!" Andy yelled.
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The mayor's office in the small town on Callisto was in actuality a small hut with an old-looking door. Faye and Edward walked inside. The mayor of Callisto was a tall, grey-haired man surrounded by beautiful women.
"Hello," the mayor said. "What can I do for you?"
"What's with all the girls?" Faye asked. "This town used to be full of gay men!"
"Well, that's when I came along," the mayor said. "William Jefferson Clinton IV at your service. But you can call me Bill."
"Okay, Bill Clinton IV, why aren't there any gay men in town?" Faye asked.
"I passed a law requiring four out of every five males to get a sex change operation," Bill Clinton IV said. "Now the town's filled with beautiful women! Isn't it great?"
"Not if you're one of the women," Faye asked.
"Mr. Clinton, umm… I heard that a guy named Morty Bickle lived here," Edward said. "Know where he lives?"
"I sure do," Bill Clinton IV said. "It's the house surrounded by the big unruly mob of bounty hunters. It seems this sicko stole some Christmas presents from a family aboard some ship called the Bebop. Now every bounty hunter in the galaxy wants to catch him. True Christmas spirit, I must say. It's the meaning of Christmas. But he's not at his house. He must be somewhere else in town, hiding."
Bill Clinton IV and his supermodels held up guns.
"If you'll excuse us, we'll be waiting at Bickle's house when he comes back. What kind of a sick person would steal Christmas presents? It makes me sick," Clinton IV said. "Let's go."
Clinton IV and his ten supermodels left the office and walked toward Bickle's surrounded house.
"Are we gonna wait at his house too?" Edward asked.
"No, we're going to try and catch Bickle first," Faye said. "Now, where would someone go with stolen property?"
"To the top of a cliff to throw it off of a mountain?" Edward asked.
"No," Faye said. "To a pawn shop!"
Faye and Edward left and went to find the town's pawn shop.
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Meanwhile, elsewhere in town…
"Now remember, you promised not to solicit hookers while we were here," Andy said.
"You're no fun," Applederry said.
"Of course I am!" Andy said. "I'm a fun guy! Fun fun fun! Watch!"
Andy took out three bottles and began to juggle them.
"Where did you get those?" Applederry asked.
"Internet," Andy replied.
"We've got to look for the jerk that stole my daughter's Christmas presents!" Applederry said. "Come on!"
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Meanwhile, at the pawn shop…
"Have you seen a guy with a bunch of Christmas presents come around here?" Faye asked.
"Sure did. Tried to sell them to me. But I wouldn't take them," the pawnbroker said. "What nerve, trying to pawn stolen presents on Christmas."
"Where'd he go?" Edward asked. "Please tell Edward!"
"He mumbled something about going to throw them off of the Callisto cliffs. I tried to stop him, but he got away," the pawnbroker said.
"Oh no!" Edward exclaimed. "He gonna throw the presents off a cliff! We have to stop him, Faye-Faye!"
"Let's hurry!" Faye yelled.
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Meanwhile, at the cliffs, a large, scraggly-looking man was about to throw a large burlap sack off of a large peak.
"If I can't sell them, I'll get rid of them," the man said. "These presents will never be given to anyone!"
"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play.
"Huh?" the man said. He turned around to see a horse galloping up the mountain.
"We can see the whole town from up here," Andy said, his back turned. "Applederry? He's not there… he must have gotten off the horse."
Andy turned around to see Morty Bickle about to throw the presents off of the cliff.
"Hey!" Andy yelled. The horse neighed and came to a stop. Andy hopped off the horse. "How dare you steal Christmas presents on Christmas!"
"What are you going to do about it?" Bickle asked. "I'm tossing these presents off the mountain, and no one is gonna stop me!"
Suddenly, a barrage of machine gun fire blasted the cliffs in front of Bickle. He turned around to see the Redtail bearing down on him, Faye and Edward sitting inside.
"Give back our presents!" Edward yelled. The Redtail ran into Bickle and then flew back up into the air. Bickle fell over, dropping the bag of presents. Andy took it and looked inside.
"They're all here!" Andy yelled. "Alright, now for you, you Grinch!"
"Uh oh…" Bickle said. He backed up toward the cliffs.
"He's gonna jump!" Faye yelled.
Bickle backed up further, and then leaped off of the cliffs. But instead of hitting the ground, he was caught… by the big unruly mob of bounty hunters, who proceeded to club him unconscious with sticks and stones.
"Ooh la la," Edward said. "Poor guy… but he was a mean Grinch!"
"Well, let's head back to the Bebop," Andy said.
"Sounds good to Edward!" Edward cheered.
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Back aboard the Bebop, Edward, Andy, and Faye sat in front of a large pile of presents.
"We can't open the presents until we leave," Andy said. "And we can't leave Callisto until Applederry gets back."
"Where is father-person?" Edward asked, looking around.
"Hey, since so many people wanted to help us out, we didn't have to give them any money!" Faye said. "Isn't that nice?"
"I guess so," Andy said. "And we didn't have to give them a big dinner either… can you imagine, that many people aboard the Bebop?"
"So much Christmas spirit!" Edward said. "They all wanted to help us get our presents back! How nice!'
"Hey guys," came a voice from just outside the room. Andy, Faye, and Edward turned to see Applederry walking into the room with an attractive woman on his shoulder.
"I thought I told you not to hire any hookers," Andy said.
"She's not for me, she's for you!" Applederry said. "Merry Christmas!"
"You got me a hooker for Christmas?" Andy asked. Faye and Edward giggled.
"Come on, man! She was really hard to get," Applederry said. "If you don't want her, I guess my son can have her…"
"I'm a GIRL!" Edward yelled.
"Oops, sorry," Applederry said.
"That hooker used to be a guy," Faye said.
"I don't care," Applederry said. "If you guys don't want the hooker…"
"Actually," the hooker said, "I still am a guy."
The "hooker" took off her mask and clothes to reveal…
"Jet?" Faye said. "What the heck?"
"Merry Christmas, everyone!" Jet said. "Like the surprise?"
"Wait a second," Applederry said. "You disguised yourself as a hooker so you could spend Christmas with us?"
"It's Christmas," Jet said. "Let's not think about that, okay? I also came so I could clean up the ship. It's a total mess!"
Andy slinked back in shame. Faye, Edward, and Applederry laughed.
"God bless us, everyone!" Edward said.
Merry Christmas, space cowboy…
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Andy: That was nice.
Faye: Hey, where's Jet?
Applederry: He left right after the Christmas party. Didn't you guys say goodbye?
Faye: I guess not.
Andy: Anyway… oh crap, Leroy Brown's back.
Edward: *gasps*
Faye: And Jet and Macintyre and Stephi are back too!
Applederry: I thought Jet left.
Andy: Well, he has a cameo. We'll need all the help we can get when Leroy Brown returns with a vengeance! This could get ugly!
Faye: Next episode of Bebop… "Bad Guy Bolero- Part 1". Part 1? What the fou?
Andy: Don't miss it!