A few reviews!
NessacusGirl: Yes, Callisto has changed. Bill Clinton will do that to a satellite.
The Review Guy: Nah, Misty's sisters won't have a cameo in this story… I think.
Nowhere Man: Thanks! Glad ya finally dropped the wulongs issue!
Katie: Yup, the "IV"s are descendants! Since they wouldn't be alive in 2071… ^_^
Trunkz: Yep! Well, he was actually disguised as a hooker… same thing I guess!
Retro: Thankies for your reviews! Yeah, I think I might visit Callisto… hee hee!
Lem: Glad my formatting tip helped! Thanks for reviewing!
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Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. There's a bunch of other stuff I don't own too. So there.
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
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Aboard the Bebop…
"Andy?" Faye said, poking Andy in the stomach repeatedly. He was passed out on the couch.
"I've tried to wake him up for an hour," Applederry said. "I think he's dead."
"What?" Faye shrieked. "What about Edward? How's she-"
"She got kidnapped an hour ago," Applederry said. "I tried to stop 'em, but I was asleep."
"What kind of a father ARE you?" Faye yelled. "I leave to go to the store for ten minutes, and I come back, and Andy's dead and Ed's been kidnapped! This is insane!"
Suddenly, the door in the room opened. Applederry and Faye turned to see Jet standing in the doorway.
"Heard everything aboard Bebop's gone to heck," Jet said. "So I'm here to save the day. What's up?"
"Jet, Christmas was over two weeks ago," Faye said. "If you're mad we didn't get you that executive chair you wanted, too bad."
"I heard Andy died," Jet said.
"I called him!" Applederry said, smiling.
"And Ed's been kidnapped too, so Applederry says," Faye sighed. "Jet, what the heck's going on?"
"Leroy Brown's back," Jet said.
"WHAT?" Faye and Applederry screamed. Andy sat up, blinking.
"You guys woke me up," Andy said.
"Andy, we thought you were dead," Faye said. "Applederry said you were."
"Heh, we played a trick on you," Applederry said. Edward crawled out from under the couch.
"Hi!" Edward said cheerfully.
"You guys called me here for nothing," Jet said. "Well, actually, there is something. Leroy Brown's back."
"WHAT?" Andy yelled.
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Session 38- Bad Guy Bolero (Part 1)
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"Yeah, seems he blew up a huge skyscraper on Earth," Jet said. "Of course, since it was a dilapidated old skyscraper, no one was killed, but I thought Andy would like to know. It's a good thing he's alive, huh?"
But Andy was already gone.
"Where'd Andy-person go?" Edward asked.
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Meanwhile, on Earth, in a small house in the former Earth city of Tokyo, Japan…
"Bwahaha!" Leroy Brown laughed, pounding his fists on a table. Also sitting at the table were four lackeys. "Blowing up the Tokyo Tower was a great idea, and using this house as an evil lair was even better!"
"Wouldn't it have been better to use the tower as a lair and just blow up this house?" the lackey asked.
"Who's the evil genius here?" Leroy yelled.
"Well, you, but-" the lackey began.
"And who's going to die here?" Leroy asked.
"Me," the lackey said.
"Bingo," Leroy said, taking out a gun and shooting the lackey dead. "Now, as you all know, my plan is to lure Andy here by doing something amazingly evil."
"Wasn't blowing up the Tokyo Tower evil enough?" another lackey asked.
Leroy immediately shot the lackey dead. Now there were only two lackeys left.
"Anyway, my plan is to blow up the moon and allow the meteors to rain down on the Earth, causing mass destruction. That will get that meddling Cowboy Andy here," Leroy said. "And then we can kill him!"
"Sir," another one of the lackeys said, "Fifty years ago, a giant Goku robot farted on the Moon, blowing up half of it. Meteors continue to rain down on the Earth to this day, causing mass destruction."
Leroy Brown shot the lackey dead, leaving one lackey remaining.
"Any questions?" Leroy asked.
'Sir, why do you and Cowboy Andy hate each other so much? I mean-"
Leroy shot the final lackey dead.
"Crap," Leroy said. "Where did my lackeys go?"
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Meanwhile, Andy was climbing into his space fighter in the Bebop's hangar.
"I have to go to Earth and fight Leroy Brown," Andy said. "Otherwise he could blow up even more useless buildings!"
Faye ran into the hangar and approached Andy.
"You can't go," Faye said. "Not without us."
"Why are you so interested in what I do, little lady?" Andy asked.
"I'm not a little lady!" Faye shrieked. "Stop calling me that!"
"Sorry," Andy said. "Faye, you and the others can't come with me. You don't know how dangerous Leroy Brown is."
"Why the heck do you guys hate each other so much? I mean-" Faye began before Andy hopped into his space fighter and flew off.
"He forgot his horse," Faye said, looking over her shoulder to see Andy's horse behind her. "And when the hangar opened, why weren't we sucked into space? Oh well, I guess that's a good thing…"
Faye hopped into the Redtail. Andy's horse looked longingly at her.
"You can't come," Faye said. "You're too big."
A few minutes later, Faye was lying on the floor, holding her head.
"That horse stole the Redtail," Faye said. "I don't believe it."
Suddenly, Faye spotted Jet's Hammerhead.
"Hmm…" Faye said to herself. "Jet won't mind."
Faye hopped into the space fighter and flew off toward Earth.
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Meanwhile, on Earth, Macintyre and Stephi were charting out another asteroid impact on their maps.
"Well, that's the fifth today," Stephi said. "Let's take a break…"
"Alright," Macintyre said. "I'm hungry. Want some eggs?"
"We eat eggs every day," Stephi said. "Maybe we should eat something else."
"The only thing to eat on Earth besides eggs are those weird psuedo-chocolate bird candies that little kids sell to you. And those taste like dog food," Macintyre said.
Just then, Leroy Brown walked up to the young couple.
"Hello," Leroy said. "I seem to have shot all of my lackeys to death. I need new ones. Wanna join me? We're going to blow up the moon."
"Hey, you're the guy that kidnapped me!" Stephi yelled.
"Well, yeah, but we can forgive and forget, right?" Leroy asked. "Besides, there's free pizza at meetings!"
Stephi shrieked.
"Did you hear that?" Stephi asked. "Something besides eggs!"
"I don't know," Macintyre said. "This guy's bad news."
"But he has free pizza," Stephi said.
"Okay, I'm sold," Macintyre said. "Let's go!"
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Meanwhile, aboard the Bebop…
"Edward is bored," Edward sighed, slumping down on the Bebop's couch. "When will Andy-person and Faye-Faye be back?"
"I don't care," Applederry said. "I'm so tired…"
Jet paced the ship nervously.
"I'm worried about those two," Jet said. "I'm afraid they're going to get hurt, or killed, or have sex or something."
"Well, the killed and the sex don't sound too bad, but I wouldn't want them getting hurt," Applederry replied. "We'd better follow them."
"Can Edward go?" Edward asked. "Ed wants to visit the nun-person again!"
Jet, Applederry, and Edward ran to the Bebop's hangar. Jet gasped.
"My Hammerhead is gone," Jet said. "It was stolen!"
"Who could have taken the Hammerhead?" Applederry asked.
"Well, the Ten Gallon and the Redtail are gone, so it couldn't have been Andy, and it DEFINITELY couldn't have been Faye," Jet said. "There's a thief around here."
"What's the Ten Gallon?" Edward asked.
"Andy's ship," Jet said. "You know, as in ten-gallon hat?"
"How would you know what Andy's fighter is named?" Applederry asked.
"Shut up," Jet said. "We're going to Earth."
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Meanwhile, in a small town on Earth, Andy was interrogating the locals.
"Have you seen Leroy Brown?" Andy asked a small male child.
"Nope!" the child said. "Wanna buy my chocolate birds?"
"Okay," Andy said. He gave the kid a 50-wulong coin and ate a bird. "This tastes like dog food!"
"Really?" said a feminine voice behind Andy. Small, silky hands reached around Andy and grabbed up all of the birds. Andy turned around to see Faye standing behind him, munching up the confections.
"You have to pay for those," Andy said.
"No, that's okay!" the kid said. "As long as she gives me those balloons in her shirt!"
Faye began to turn red with anger. Andy whispered something in the boy's ear.
"Wow, I didn't know they got THAT big!" the kid said, eyes wide. He looked at Faye. "I'm sorry I thought they were balloons… the puyos are free of charge! Please don't hurt me, Ms. Freak! Er, I mean… um… what do you call the disease she has?"
Andy whispered in the kid's ear again.
"Umm… sorry you have boobitis!" the kid said apologetically. "I gotta go!"
The kid ran off, carrying the empty puyo box. Faye reared back and punched at Andy, but he ducked out of the way.
"Calm down," Andy said. "Why are you here? I said it was dangerous."
"Your horse stole my Redtail, so I had to steal Jet's Hammerhead to get here," Faye said. "Andy, you need me. Remember that one time I saved you?"
"Chicken butt," Andy said. Faye punched him out and stomped off in a rage.
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Meanwhile, elsewhere in town, Andy's horse was having trouble getting out of the Redtail. Just then, a beautiful woman walked up to the small space fighter. She had short, spiky bright-red hair with beautiful blue eyes. She was wearing a white t-shirt with blue jeans and tall, black boots.
"Awww," the woman said. "Someone stuffed you in here…"
The woman kicked the front of the Redtail, causing the top to fly open. The horse got out and began to gallop away. It turned around and ran up to the woman, then stopped next to her.
"How sweet," the woman said. "It wants me to get on! I think…"
The woman hopped onto the horse.
"Hello there," the woman said sweetly. "My name is Kikome, what's yours?"
The horse made a small snorting noise.
"Okay, giddy up!" Kikome said. The horse whinnied and galloped away. But little did Kikome or the horse know that Leroy, Macintyre, and Stephi were watching from the shadows.
"When do we get pizza?" Stephi asked.
"When we kill Andy," Leroy said.
"I don't wanna kill him!" Macintyre said. "He's my best friend's second best friend!"
"Yeah, and he saved my life…" Stephi said.
Leroy took out his gun and shot Macintyre and Stephi.
"That'll teach you," Leroy said.
Macintyre and Stephi were lying on the ground, lifeless.
"Yep, you guys have been taught," Leroy said.
Macintyre and Stephi continued to lie on the ground.
"You guys are finished," Leroy said. "That'll teach you. Mwahaha!"
Suddenly, Macintyre and Stephi stood up.
"My hypno darts work like a charm," Leroy said. "You'll obey me. Bwahaha!"
Macintyre and Stephi began to laugh evilly.
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Andy's horse rode into town, ridden by Kikome. The horse rode through the town until it reached the unconscious Andy, still KOed by Faye's punch. Kikome hopped off of the horse and began to shake Andy awake.
"Are you okay?" Kikome asked. Andy slowly began to stir.
"Who are you?" Andy asked. "Where'd Faye go?"
"My name is Kikome Mitsuragi, and I'm a wandering cowgirl from a small town nearby," Kikome said. "Your horse led me to you. At least I think it's yours. It was stuffed into a space fighter…"
"Must be the Redtail," Andy said. "My horse is smart. It rode that thing all the way here. I taught it to steal space fighters, but I forgot to teach it how to get out. The Redtail belongs to Faye. She's the one who punched me out…"
Andy stood up and looked around.
"Now she's probably off somewhere, angry and fuming. She's going to get herself in trouble," Andy said.
"Is Faye your girlfriend?" Kikome asked.
"No," Andy said. "She's a woman who travels with my companions and I aboard the Bebop. We chase bountyheads."
"A bounty hunter?" Kikome asked. "Umm…"
"Anyway, I'd better look for Faye. Do you want to travel with me?" Andy asked.
"I really ought to go," Kikome said.
"Why?" Andy asked. "Don't you worry, little lady. You're safe with Cowboy Andy."
"Alright," Kikome said. "Your friend Faye needs help… I'll help you find her."
"Great!" Andy said. Andy and Kikome hopped onto Andy's horse and rode off.
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Meanwhile, in the Tokyo Ruins, Faye was stomping around with an angry look on her face.
"I'm angry," Faye said. "Cowboy Andy, I'm going to kick your butt. But first, I'm going to rest."
Faye saw a small house.
"That house looks empty," Faye said. "I'm going in!"
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"The rocket will be ready to go to the Moon soon," Leroy said. "We're going to blow half of it up! Any questions?"
The hypnotized Macintyre and Stephi stared at Leroy.
"Great!" Leroy said. "Now, let's go to the moon!"
Suddenly, the door opened. Faye walked inside.
"Oh, this house is full of people," Faye said. Her eyes met with Leroy Brown's. "Hey, I know you. You're Andy's rival, Leroy Brown!"
Leroy smiled. Faye took out her gun and pointed it at him.
"Heh, Andy's going to be so jealous when I bring you back!" Faye said. "I am so much better at bounty hunting than Cowboy Andy. And-"
A large 2x4 struck Faye in the back of the head. She fell limp into Macintyre and Stephi's arms.
"Andy's going to be so mad when I bring you back," Leroy said. "I'm so much better at bounty hunter hunting than Cowboy Andy. Let's go!"
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Andy and Kikome rode through the Tokyo wastelands on Andy's horse. Just then, Andy spotted a large object sticking out of the ground.
"That looks like a rocket," Andy said.
"Why the heck would someone use a rocket anymore?" Kikome asked. "Large ships and space fighters can get into space just fine."
"Only bad guys use rockets," Andy said. He gasped. "Leroy!"
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"Bwahaha!" Leroy Brown cackled. "Soon, we'll be on the Moon! Then we'll blow it up! Half of it gone already… that's a lie. A big fat lie. And the big fat liar who lied to me is dead!"
"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play.
"He's coming," Leroy said. "Bwahaha!"
Andy's horse rode up on the horizon, stopping several feet away from Leroy. Andy and Kikome hopped off of the horse.
"Who's this guy?" Kikome asked.
"A very, very bad man," Andy said. He pointed at Leroy. "Okay, today's the day you finally meet your match! So meet it!"
"Not so fast," Leroy said. He snapped his fingers. Stephi and Macintyre stepped in front of Leroy, holding the unconscious Faye.
"Faye!" Andy shouted.
"Bwahaha!" Leroy laughed. "One false move and your girlfriend gets it!"
"You said she wasn't your girlfriend," Kikome said.
"She's not," Andy said. "But I can't let you kill her!"
"I'm going to the Moon now," Leroy said. "To blow it up!"
Leroy stepped into the rocket, followed by Stephi and Macintyre, who were still carrying Faye. They tossed the unconscious woman into the rocket as the door closed behind them.
"Get back!" Kikome yelled, pulling Andy back. "The rocket's going to make fire when it blasts off!"
"That's what it does?" Andy asked. The rocket lifted up into the air and headed off toward the half-Moon, a huge fireball billowing below the rocket as it soared through the sky.
"Close one," Kikome said.
"They do make fire when they blast off," Andy said. "But I'm going to make more fire when I kick Leroy's butt and rescue Faye!"
"Maybe I should go now," Kikome said. "Bye!"
Kikome ran off.
"Yes, maybe it is a bit dangerous for her," Andy said. "Well, no matter. I shall stop Leroy and save Faye by myself!"
Andy's horse snorted angrily.
"I guess you can help," Andy said. "Don't worry, Faye! I shall rescue you, for I am… Cowboy Andy!"
"Go Go Cactus Man" played as the mighty steed rode off into the sunset.
To be continued…
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Kikome: Next time on Bebop, I show up again!
Andy: I was wondering where you'd gone.
Kikome: Well, you don't know yet.
Edward: On the way to Earth, space pirates hijack the Bebop!
Jet: That's bad.
Applederry: You said it. Bet I can kill more of them than you can!
Jet: You're on!
Leroy: *laughs* I'm going to blow up half the Moon!
Faye: There's only a half left, you idiot.
Leroy: That does it, I'm taping your mouth shut!
Faye: Why me?
Andy: I'll save you! Well, I hope. There's got to be some suspense! But fear not, I shall pull through, for I am… Cowboy Andy! Next episode of Bebop: "Bad Guy Bolero (Part 2)"!
Applederry: Don't forget to unhypnotize my friends!
Andy: Now how am I supposed to do that?