A few reviews!
NessacusGirl: Onyx is the horse's name? Hee, I sorta forgot… Kikome, a bounty on her head? I don't know… maybe! And Andy will rescue Faye-Faye! Or at least he'll try!
Blooknaberg: Yeah, they tried to get pizza and now they're all hypnotized and stuff! Uh oh… ^_^
Lem: I sorta just made up a name that sounded pretty. I didn't mean to combine them but I guess I did! ^_^ And yep, Faye's a hostage again. Poor Faye-Faye… at least Andy's there to save her!
The Review Guy: I like Faye's balloons, what can I say? ^_^
Trunkz: Sorry to keep you in suspense… or am I? Bwahaha!
Katie: Hee, poor Macintyre and Stephi… and poor Faye! Poor poor Faye!
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Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. There's a bunch of other stuff I don't own too. So there.
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
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BIGGERSHOT- The NEW Show For Bounty Hunters
Crazy Judy: We've got a great bounty today!
The NEW Paunch: And it's a girl!
Crazy Judy: Oooh! Like me!
The NEW Paunch: She's not crazy like you.
Crazy Judy: I'm not crazy! Why you… *runs at The NEW Paunch*
*Several asylum workers grab Crazy Judy.*
The NEW Paunch: Like I said, we've got a new bounty. Kikome Mitsuragi is wanted for horse rustling and horse wrestling.
Crazy Judy: Lemme go!
The NEW Paunch: The bounty on her is a whopping 17 million wulongs!
Crazy Judy: *breaks free from the asylum workers and tackles the NEW Paunch*
---
"Are we ready to go to Earth?" Applederry asked.
"Wow, 17 million wulongs…" Jet said, staring at the TV screen. "Wait, I mean, yeah, let's go."
"Um, guys?" Edward said, walking into the room timidly. "We've got a bit of a problem…"
"What is it, Edward?" Jet asked. "Are we out of gas?"
"Are we out of food?" Applederry asked.
"It's worse than that! Way way way worsy-worse!" Edward shouted. "Space pirates!"
"Arr, mateys, that's right!" said a raspy-sounding voice from outside the room. "We be space pirates!"
A large man wearing a huge black pirate hat walked into the room. Four men followed him, wearing bandannas on their heads.
"This is bad," Jet said.
---
Session 39: Bad Guy Bolero (Part 2)
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Meanwhile, Andy was still riding around Earth on his horse.
"Wait a second," Andy said. "Maybe this would be better if I just took a space fighter to the Moon."
Suddenly, a human figure running across the horizon caught Andy's eye.
"That's Kikome," Andy said to himself. He turned his horse around and galloped up next to her."
"It's you!" Kikome said in a startled tone. "Um… what do you want?"
"I just wanted to say hi," Andy said. "It's pretty dangerous to be out here by yourself without a horse."
"I know what you want!" Kikome yelled. "You're a bounty hunter! You know I'm wanted for 17 million!"
"Actually, no I didn't," Andy said.
"Oh," Kikome replied. "Oh crap. Oh crap on a crap cracker, crap crap crap."
Kikome turned around and ran away from Andy as fast as she could.
"Wait!" Andy yelled. "I'm not going to try and catch you!"
Kikome stopped.
"You're a liar!" Kikome shouted. "All bounty hunters are."
"What's with the prejudice against us bounty hunters? I'm a cowboy. You can trust me," Andy said. "Once we rescue Faye, you might want to leave in a hurry though."
"Okay," Kikome said. "But if you try to catch me… I'll do something that you won't like! I promise!"
"All I want to do is save Faye and stop the Moon from getting blown up," Andy said.
"Okay," Kikome said.
"Now, we need to find my space fighter," Andy said. "Where could it-"
"Found it," Kikome said, pointing at Andy's space fighter.
"How the heck do you find things so fast?" Andy asked.
"It's a talent," Kikome said.
"Is that why you have a bounty on your head?" Andy asked. "You'd really make a good bounty hunter."
But when Andy finished those words, Kikome was gone. As well as…
"My horse!" Andy yelled. "She took my horse! Argh!"
Andy hopped into his space fighter. It lifted several feet off the ground.
"I'll be able to find her quicker this way," Andy said. He looked around. "Aw crap, no I won't! She's completely gone!"
---
Meanwhile, aboard the Bebop…
"So… space pirates… what do you plan to do?" Jet asked. The three members of Bebop and the five pirates had been staring each other down for several minutes, and no one had done anything.
"We plan to rob yer ship and make ya walk the plank!" the captain of the space pirates laughed. "Bwahaha!"
"You guys are boring," Applederry said. He ran at the five space pirates and launched a sweeping high kick at them, hitting two of the pirates and knocking them out. The captain ducked under the kick and slashed Applederry across the arm with his beard, which was in the shape of a sharp hook.
"Mwahaha!" the captain laughed. "By the way, I haven't told you my name. I'm Hookbeard the pirate!"
"Hookbeard?" Jet asked.
"I lost my beard in an unfortunate smelting accident, so I regrew it in the shape of a hook!" Hookbeard said.
"My arm hurts!" Applederry yelled. "That was a cheap shot!"
Hookbeard's two remaining conscious crew members ran up to Applederry and knocked him out with the hilts of their swords. Edward gasped.
"You hurt Applederry-person!" Edward yelled angrily. "Raarrrgh!"
Edward leaped onto Hookbeard's head and began chewing on it furiously. Hookbeard screamed in pain.
"Get her off!" Hookbeard yelled.
The other two crew members backed away.
"Get him, Edward!" Jet cheered. "While I'm, uh… over here."
Jet also began to back off. Suddenly, Hookbeard managed to pry Edward off of his head. He held her up in the air.
"Bwahaha!" Hookbeard laughed. "No one defeats Hookbeard!"
Hookbeard threw Edward into the wall, knocking her out.
"This is bad…" Jet said.
---
Meanwhile, up on the Moon (well, half of it anyway…) in Leroy Brown's super-secret Moon base…
"It seems that Andy was right," Leroy said. "There's only half of the Moon here."
"Duh," Faye said. Her arms and legs were strapped to the wall. "Everybody knows that. You're stupid."
"You're stupider," Leroy said. "I caught you!"
"You only caught me because of your stupid hypno friends," Faye said.
"They're not hypno friends! They're real friends! I HAVE REAL FRIENDS!" Leroy yelled.
"Sure you do," Faye said.
Leroy turned to Macintyre and Stephi.
"You guys are my real friends, right?" Leroy asked. "Right?"
Macintyre and Stephi nodded their heads.
"Well of COURSE they're going to nod their heads. They're your hypno slaves!" Faye yelled.
"That does it!" Leroy yelled. He ran over to his desk and pulled out two rolls of tape. "You want duct tape or masking tape?"
"Er… duct tape, I guess…" Faye sighed.
Leroy tore off a big piece of masking tape and placed it over Faye's mouth.
"Bwahaha! You said you wanted duct tape, and I put on masking tape! I'm evil! I'm EEEEVIL!" Leroy laughed. "Aren't I evil?"
Macintyre and Stephi nodded.
---
Meanwhile, back on Earth…
"There she is," Andy said, pointing down at Kikome. "Wait, what's she doing?"
Kikome and Andy's horse were rolling on the ground, wrestling. Andy hopped out of the Ten Gallon and ran over to them.
"Hey, hey, HEY!" Andy yelled. "What the heck do you think you're doing?"
Kikome and Onyx stood up.
"I'm wrestling your horse," Kikome said. "It's a great way to train!"
"Horse stealing… rustling, is a crime, little lady," Andy said. "And wrestling them is also a crime."
"A crime?" Kikome asked. "What planet is this?"
A loud trumpet solo began to play.
"Stop the music, that song is instrumental, it can't be parodied!" Andy yelled. The music stopped abruptly. "Look, after we save Faye and the Moon, you can wrestle with Onyx all you want, okay?"
"Okay," Kikome sighed. "But if I get beaten up by the bad guys because I'm so weak, it's all your fault!"
"Geez, you sound just like Faye," Andy said. "Okay, fine. You and the horse can wrestle. For one hour. Wherever Faye is, she can't be in that much trouble. And even if she is, that's okay."
"I thought you liked Faye," Kikome said.
"I do," Andy said. "Not like that, though!"
Kikome giggled.
"Are you gonna wrestle my horse, or not?" Andy asked.
---
Meanwhile, back aboard the Bebop, Jet, Applederry, and Edward were locked in the Bebop's restroom.
"Those pirates are gonna pay!" Edward yelled.
"My arm hurts," Applederry whined.
"Quit that, you big baby. I've had my arm chopped off. Want me to chop off your arm?" Jet asked.
"Are you calling me a baby?" Applederry yelled, standing up. "I'll whoop you!"
"Guys, we have to figure out a way to get out of here! Father-person and Jet-person, please don't fight!" Edward said.
"You know, Andy and Faye are coming back soon," Jet said. "Let them handle the pirates."
"Yes, Francoise. Daddy and the nice man are fighting now," Applederry said.
"My name's Edward!" Edward yelled. "Edward is Edward!"
---
Meanwhile, three space fighters were headed toward the (half) Moon. Andy was riding the Ten Gallon, Kikome was inside the Redtail, and Onyx was piloting the Hammerhead.
"I can't believe that horse can fly a space fighter," Kikome said.
"I taught it!" Andy said. "Onyx is the smartest horse in the universe."
"You didn't teach it to get out of the ship," Kikome said.
"Well duh," Andy said. "Look at him, stuffed in there. There's no way he can press the button to get out of there."
"If he can't press the button to get out of there, how can he press the buttons to drive?" Kikome asked.
Andy frowned.
"Or maybe it's best for me not to think of those things," Kikome said. Andy smiled and nodded.
"We're approaching the Moon now!" Andy said.
The Moon, which had been split in half by the Goku Fart Disaster 50 years earlier, was a huge half-sphere surrounded by large asteroids. A huge, glowing, exposed core in the center of the large satellite continued to glow, still having not cooled off from the cataclysmic Fart Disaster. Andy, Kikome, and Onyx had to navigate through the asteroids carefully. However, they miraculously dodged them all and landed on the Moon's surface without incident.
"Won't we need spacesuits?" Kikome asked.
"Nah," Andy said. "When the Goku robot farted to blow up half the Moon, the methane fart gas created an atmosphere around the Moon similar to Earth."
"Earth's atmosphere is made up of nitrogen and oxygen…" Kikome said. "How would methane-"
Andy frowned.
"Never mind," Kikome said.
---
Meanwhile, in Leroy Brown's super-secret evil moon base, a giant laser gun had been pointed at the Moon's surface.
"Bwahaha!" Leroy laughed. "It's time to blow up the Moon!"
Macintyre and Stephi laughed.
"See, this is what I'm talking about," Leroy said. "If I had different lackeys, they would have spouted off crap like 'If you blow up the Moon while we're on it, it'll kill us all!' or 'Wouldn't blowing up the Moon be dangerous?' or 'Can I have some pizza?' Stuff like that. It really gets on my nerves."
"Mmmph!" Faye shouted, muffled by the tape over her mouth.
"And what do you want?" Leroy asked. He walked up to Faye and took the tape off of her mouth.
"If you blow up the Moon while we're on it, it'll kill us all! Wouldn't blowing up the Moon be dangerous? Can I have some pizza?" Faye asked.
"See, this is what I'm talking about!" Leroy said, putting the tape back on Faye's mouth. He turned to Macintyre and Stephi. "That's what I'm talking about! I'm talking about stuff like that!"
Macintyre and Stephi nodded.
"See, you guys know what I'm talking about," Leroy said. "And now, to blow up the Moon! Bwaha-"
"Go Go Cactus Man" started to play. Faye's face lit up.
"I knew trying to blow up the Moon, AND hypnotizing his friends, AND kidnapping his girlfriend would lead Cowboy Andy here!" Leroy said. The sound of galloping hooves could be heard off in the distance. Onyx rode up to the giant laser, ridden by Andy and Kikome. The two leaped off of the horse and faced Leroy.
"Alright, Leroy Brown. Let Faye go and stop trying to blow up the Moon!" Andy yelled.
"Macintyre, Stephi, get them!" Leroy shouted. The hypnotized couple ran at Andy and Kikome. Kikome knocked out Stephi easily, but when Andy tried to knock out Macintyre, he leaped up into the air and tossed an egg at Andy. It splattered in Andy's face, knocking him to the ground.
"Argh!" Andy shouted. "My eyes!"
Kikome ran at Macintyre and tried to legsweep him. Macintyre leaped above Kikome's leg and kicked her to the ground.
"Mwahaha! Mwahahahahaha!" Leroy laughed. "Now, finish them off!"
Macintyre stood above Andy and Kikome.
"Uh oh…" Kikome said. "We're doomed!"
"Bwahaha!" Leroy laughed. Macintyre stared Andy straight in the eye. Then, he turned to face Leroy.
"Gotcha," Macintyre said.
"What?" Andy said.
"I only PRETENDED to be hypnotized!" Macintyre said. "So did Stephi! It was all part of our plan!"
Kikome began to laugh.
"I wasn't informed of this plan," Andy said.
"I told Applederry. Where is he?" Macintyre asked.
"He's back aboard the Bebop," Andy said.
"Doesn't he always come with you?" Macintyre yelled.
"Not this time," Andy said.
"Sorry about knocking out your wife," Kikome said.
"She'll be okay," Macintyre said. "She has a metal plate in her head. Like that one lady on that old TV show! With the brothers that had the same names?"
"Oh yeah," Andy said. "That show. What was it called?"
"Argh!" Leroy yelled, taking out a gun and shooting Macintyre in the stomach. "A thousand times argh! Argh to the MAX!"
Macintyre doubled over and fell to the ground.
"Macintyre!" Andy yelled.
"Those two must have had immunity to my hypno darts," Leroy said.
"Yep," Macintyre groaned. "Smart, huh?"
"But I still have my trump card!" Leroy said. He pointed his gun at Faye's head. "Surrender or she dies!"
"Mmmph!" Faye yelled.
"Is that you, Faye?" Andy asked, looking up at her. "Oooh, watch this. Chicken butt."
"Grrrr…." Faye growled.
"See, it makes her mad when I say that," Andy said. "But she can't do anything about it because she's tied up! Chicken butt!"
Faye growled again. Her face began to turn red.
"Uh, Andy…" Kikome said. "I don't think she likes-"
"Chicken butt chicken butt chicken butt!" Andy shouted. Faye's face began to turn even redder. Steam began coming out of her ears.
"If you think that's helping, you're mistaken," Leroy said.
"Chicken butt!" Andy shouted. "Chicken-"
In a fit of extreme rage, Faye burst free from the straps that held her to the wall. She ripped the tape off of her mouth and ran at Cowboy Andy.
"STOP SAYING THAT!" Faye screamed. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, COWBOY ANDY!"
"My hostage!" Leroy shouted angrily. Faye tackled Andy to the ground and began pounding his head into the floor.
"You stupid stinky cowboy!" Faye shouted, pounding Andy's head into the floor repeatedly. "Gaaaah!"
Leroy tried to point his gun at Andy, but Faye was in the way.
"Darn it, I can't get a clean shot!" Leroy yelled. "He's beaten me with his human shield! You may have won this time, but it's not over, Cowboy Andy! Not by a long shot!"
Leroy jumped into an escape pod and jettisoned off into space. Faye crawled off of the badly beaten Andy, stood up, and brushed herself off.
"I taught him," Faye said. "Nobody messes with Faye Valentine!"
"What about Edward?" Andy groaned.
"WHY YOU…" Faye yelled, stomping on Andy repeatedly.
"I'd better go," Kikome said. She picked up Macintyre and Stephi. "I'll take these two to a hospital."
Kikome hopped onto Onyx and rode out of Leroy's base.
"My horse…" Andy said weakly.
"We'd better go catch it," Faye said. "Well, come on. Get up!"
Andy passed out.
"Oops," Faye said. "Hit him too hard… aww, he looks so cute when he's sleeping on the floor like that. Hee hee!"
Faye brushed the hair away from Andy's forehead and kissed him.
"Now why did I do that?" Faye asked. "Oh well. Time to go back to the Bebop."
---
Back aboard the Bebop…
"Hello?" Faye yelled, Andy's unconscious form slung over her shoulder. "Anyone home? Man, I really have to use the bathroom."
Faye walked over to the bathroom door. Posted there was a note. Faye took the note from the door.
"Arrr," Faye read. "We be pirates. Arrr, we pillaged your ship. Arrr. Have a nice day. Signed, Hookbeard."
Faye opened the bathroom door to see Edward standing next to the unconscious Jet and Applederry.
"Hello, Faye-Faye! Space pirates locked us in the bathroom, and Father-person and Jet-person had a fight! And Ed thinks it was a tie…"
"Space pirates?" Faye asked. "But all of our stuff's still here."
Faye looked at the note.
"Oh, there's more. P.S.," Faye read, "Your ship be full o' crap. All we took were ye sexy dress collection. We like to crossdress."
Faye's face turned red again.
"Is Faye-Faye mad?" Edward asked.
*cue sound of Malcolm In The Middle door-slamming*
See you, angry cowgirl…
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Faye: Arrrrgh!
Edward: Faye-Faye… is mad.
Faye: You're darn right I'm mad! I was captured by an evil terrorist, my wardrobe's been stolen, and my trash bags are all melted.
Andy: You should have used Glad trash bags.
Faye: Shut up.
Andy: Anyway, next episode, Faye goes after the space pirates that took her stuff, while aboard the Bebop, we vote to see who has to leave!
Jet: Applederry.
Applederry: Jet!
Faye: I'm so pissed off.
Andy: Hey, my horse was stolen.
Faye: You'll get it back in a few episodes! I'll never get my sexy wardrobe back!
Andy: Didn't you hear what I said? You'll get it back next episode!
Edward: Faye-Faye kissed Andy-person on the forehead!
Faye: ARGH!
Andy: Next episode, "Hell Hath No Fury Like Faye-Faye".
Faye: You're darn right!
Andy: Don't get mad, get Glad!
Faye: SHUT UP!