A few reviews!

Katie: Parental controls, eh? What word set it off? Was it marijuana? Lousy AOL can't tell the difference between bashing marijuana and promoting it… I hope you were able to read the chapter anyway!

IluvRikku: Yeah, that flu is going around… hopefully you get better soon! Thanks for reviewing!

Raigeki Leviathan: Yep, only 6 left! But they're all very very good chapters! Well, maybe anyway.

NessacusGirl: Peace! Welp, Ed's mom will probably be different than she was in Blookie's story! Yep, Applederry was pretending. Of course, he did smoke weed at the end… and The Man is like authority! The police or the government! Yep! Applederry and Jet and maybe Andy and MAYBE Edward! She might be able to enter, or maybe not. Hmmm…

---

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. Just because you see kickboxing in this chapter does not mean that I am advocating in any way kicking your friend in the nads. So don't, okay?

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

"They're beautiful. 23 in all! Ha!"

Applederry stood proudly in his room, admiring his 23 Kickboxing Championship trophies. Edward walked in.

"Hello, father-person! Wow, you sure have a whole lot of trophies!" Edward said.

"Of course I do," Applederry replied. "You know, son, you could be a kickboxing champ too!"

"I'm your daughter, father-person," Edward said.

"Well, anyway, today is the big day. I'm going for my 24th consecutive kickboxing championship!" Applederry declared.

"Can Edward come too? Please? With a cherry on top?" Edward pleaded.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Applederry said. "You can watch."

"Ed wants to compete!" Edward said.

"Wha?" Applederry stammered.

---

"I can't believe we're going to this dumb kickboxing thing," Faye groaned.

"It'll be fun! I'm going to enter," Andy said. "And you know how criminals always like to compete in these things."

"Ooooh! Bountyheads!" Faye said. "You know, maybe I'll enter too. Just for fun, of course."

"There's a five million wulong grand prize," Andy said.

"Now I'm just entering for the money," Faye said.

"That's not a good reason to enter," Applederry said, walking into the room. "Winning is everything!"

"But you're forgetting about the fun," Andy said. "The FUN!"

"Shut up, Andy!" Faye and Applederry yelled.

---

Session 47: Kicka Kung-Fu Fighting

---

The Bebop landed in front of the large stadium on Mars that was being used to stage the Solar System Kickboxing Championships. Andy, Faye, Applederry, and Edward walked inside and made their way to the receptionist's desk.

"Hello," the receptionist said. "How many of you will be entering? There are 64 spots and 60 are already filled! You got really lucky! Oh my, Applederry, is that you?"

"In the flesh," Applederry said. "I'm here to win yet again!"

"We'd like to enter too," Andy said. "Faye and me and Edward."

"Hello!" Edward yelled, waving happily.


"Sorry," the receptionist said. "No kids. Liability and stuff, you know."

"I don't know," Applederry said.

"If Ed gets hurt, you could sue them," Faye said. "Wait a sec... maybe that would be a good thing. Edward-"

"If you don't let Ed into the tournament, I'll sue you for age discrimination!" Applederry yelled angrily.

"That's okay, father-person!" Edward said. "Edward will just watch, okay?"

"Not now, son. Daddy's yelling," Applederry said.

"Look, Faye and I are going to the warm-up room to train," Andy said. "We-"

"Faye and you?" Faye yelled.

"Well, yeah, I figured that since we're such good friends, we should train together!" Andy said.

"Fine," Faye said. "But if you make any kind of moves on me-"


"I'm a wholesome cowboy!" Andy said. "You don't worry your pretty little head, little lady!"

"Don't call me that," Faye said. "I'm a big lady!"

"You're fat?" Andy asked.


"Grrrr….."

Faye kicked Andy in the groin and stomped off.

"Poor Andy," Applederry said. "I hope I don't have to face Faye. Anyway, I'm going to go train. You find a good seat. Here's 10,000 wulongs!"

Applederry handed Edward a 10,000-wulong bill and ran off.

"Edward will find a way into the tournament!" Edward said. "Ed will just have to look like a grown-up!"

Edward skipped off happily.

---

Meanwhile, in the warm-up room, Andy, Faye, and Applederry were training by kicking training dummies repeatedly.

"Hey you guys!" yelled a female voice from the entrance of the room. "Guess who's here?"

Andy, Faye, and Applederry turned around to see Jet and Gabby standing in the entrance.

"Howdy!" Jet said. "We signed up for this thing a week ago."

"I'm going to kick everybody in the nuts!" Gabby said. "Except for my Jet, of course!"

Gabby kissed Jet on the cheek. Just then, two more familiar faces entered the room.

"Hey, Applederry!" Macintyre shouted, standing next to his wife Stephi. "Remember me?"

"Wow, the gang's all here!" Applederry said.

"One of us is definitely going to have a real shot at winning this thing!" Andy said. "Isn't that right, Faye?"

"I'm going to win that money," Faye said.


"I'm going to win that trophy!" Applederry declared.

"I thought we were gonna catch a few bountyheads," Andy said. "Whatever happened to that? And having fun. I mean-"

Applederry and Faye glared at Andy.


"I'll shut up," Andy said meekly.

---

Meanwhile, at the entrance desk…

"I'll look like a grown-up for sure!" Edward said. She was now perched on top of stilts that made her look more than 7 feet tall. "Ed's gonna win, yeah!"


Edward stilted over to the desk.

"Hello there!" the receptionist said. "You look kind of familiar. Except you're older. And you're in luck! There's one spot left!"

"Great!" Edward said. "Ed… er, I, would like to sign up, pretty please!"

Suddenly, a man in a black cloak walked up behind Edward. He pushed her out of the way, knocking her to the ground.

"Good evening," the black-cloaked man said. "I'd like to sign up for the kickboxing tournament."

"Sir, you just pushed a woman out of the way," the receptionist said. "That is very-"

The man grabbed the receptionist by her shirt collar.

"I have killed four hundred and ninety-nine people!" the man yelled. "Wanna be 500?"

"Will I get a prize?" the receptionist asked.

"I guess," the man said. "Wait, no! You won't!"

"Fine, you can sign up," the receptionist said. "What's your name?"

"I am simply known as… The Evil Guy," the man said evilly.

"Alrighty then! You're number 64! Good luck!" the receptionist said cheerfully. The Evil Guy dropped her and walked into the arena. Edward, now off of the stilts, slowly sat up.

"Ed's head hurts…" Edward groaned.

---

In the ring…

"And we're going to have an excellent kickboxing tournament today!" yelled the announcer. "Applederry is going for his 24th straight tournament win, but there are some tough new entries this year! In fact, we have two tough new entries right now! Jet Black is going one-on-one with Stephi Misashi!"

Stephi and Jet stepped into the ring.

"I'm not going to use my metal arm in this fight," Jet said. "To be fair."

"Aw, go ahead and use it!" Stephi said. "I can beat you, metal arm or no metal arm!"

Stephi ran at Jet and began unleashing kick upon powerful kick at Jet's head. Jet raised up his metal arm, blocking them all.

"On second thought," Stephi said, "maybe you shouldn't-"

Jet's metal arm slammed into the side of Stephi's skull, knocking her out instantly.

"Sorry," Jet said. "I told you it wouldn't be fair!"

"And Jet moves on!" the announcer shouted. "Although from now on, it would be nice if he would actually kickbox. Next fight, The Evil Guy versus Jimmy Tibler! Last year, Jimmy went all the way to the quarterfinals! Let's see how he does this time."

The Evil Guy and Jimmy stepped into the ring.

"Try to kick me," The Evil Guy said. "I dare you."

"That's a trick," Jimmy said. "I know people like you. You're wearing a cloak, which means you're evil, which means you're trying to trick me! And I don't like it!"

"Fine," The Evil Guy said. "Suit yourself."


The Evil Guy ran at Jimmy and kicked him hard in the chest. Jimmy staggered back. The Evil Guy spun around and decked Jimmy with a powerful kick to the head, knocking him to the ground.

"I give up…" Jimmy moaned weakly. "Mommy!"

"Wow, this Evil Guy is tough!" the announcer said. "And his cloak looks so cool…"

---

Meanwhile, Andy and the others were watching from the special contestants' area.

"That Evil Guy looks really dangerous," Gabby said.

"I recognize him," Andy said. "He's wanted for murder on four planets!"

"He's worth fifty million wulongs!" Faye squealed, jumping up and down. "That's ten times more than the first prize! We have to catch him!"


"We may have to beat him in a match to catch him," Andy said. "If I win my match, I'll face him next round. "That could be our chance!"

---

The first round continued. Applederry, Gabby, Macintyre, and Faye all won their matches. Andy, however, was facing a particularly tough first-round opponent.

"Darn it, this guy dodges everything," Andy said, panting heavily.

"I'mgonnawinyesIamyesyesyesgonnawinwoohoo!" Andy's opponent shouted, running around the ring. His hair was very long and disheveled, and his eyes were bloodshot.

"This guy's high on sugar," Andy said. "Particularly Captain McCoffeebeans' Chocolate Covered Frosted Morsals!"

Andy ran at the sugar-high man and flailed wildly at the man with punches and kicks. None of them connected. The man ran up to Andy, hit him in the stomach with a quick rabbit punch, and leapt back. Andy doubled over and groaned in pain.

"Hang in there, Andy!" Faye yelled.

"Faye, you're cheering for Andy?" Gabby asked. "I thought you didn't-"

"Andy's probably tougher to face than the sugar man," Faye said. "I want an easy opponent next round!"

"The winner of this faces The Evil Guy next round," Gabby said. "You're facing me."

"Ha ha, you've gotta face Gabby," Jet laughed. "You're gonna lose. Gabby and I train together every day!"

"That's right!" Gabby said. "Jet taught me karate, and kung fu, and how to cook vichyssoise, and-"

"Could you be quiet?" Applederry said from across the room. "I'm trying to get into my winner's groove."

The sugar-high man hit Andy with quick punch and quick kick after quick punch and quick kick. Finally, Andy collapsed onto the mat.

"Get up!" Faye shouted. "You're our only hope to catch The Evil Guy! Er, I mean, uh… I love you! No, that's not it. Because I DON'T."

"1!" counted the ref. "2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 8! 9!"

Andy started to stir. Then, he collapsed again.

"10!" shouted the ref. "Sambo Sugarton wins!"

"Yes!" Sambo cheered. "IwonIwonIwonandthecowboylostyesyesyesandIoweitalltoSUGARgloriousSUGAR!!!"

"Wow," Jet said. "Andy lost."

---

Andy sat on the ground in the contestants' room, crying.

"That's okay, Andy," Applederry said. "Jet and Macintyre and I won our second matches. We're going to round 3!"

Andy began to cry louder.


"Faye and Gabby are fighting," Applederry said. "They're hot!"


"Gabby's hotter," Jet said.

"Faye is way hotter. You're biased," Applederry said. "Anyway, Andy needs our help. He's feeling down! What better way to cheer up then to watch two babes go at it? Right, old chum?"

Andy stood up.


"I wanna go home," Andy sniffled.

---

In the ring, Faye and Gabby were both worn out and badly beaten.

"Never knew… you'd be such… a tough opponent…" Faye wheezed.

"You're tough… Faye…" Gabby breathed. "But… I'm… gonna win!"

Gabby ran at Faye and punched at her. Faye dodged the punch and hit Gabby with a weak kick to the midsection. Gabby staggered back.

"Take this!" Gabby shouted with renewed vigor. She stepped forward and punched Faye in the nose. Faye staggered back.


"Ow!" Faye yelled. "I'm gonna start to look ugly after this fight! Grrr…"

Faye kicked Gabby hard in the leg, knocking her to the ground.

"Ow!" Gabby yelled.

"Kick for the left!" Jet shouted. "The left!"

"Alright!" Gabby said. She stood up and kicked at Faye's left side. Faye dodged the kick and kicked Gabby hard in the stomach, knocking her out.

"Faye wins!" shouted the ref.

"Hey!" Jet yelled. "You weren't supposed to dodge!"

"If you wouldn't yell your strategies so loud, I wouldn't have known to dodge!" Faye yelled back. "Idiot!"

"Entering the ring for the final match of the round are The Evil Guy and Sambo Sugarton!" the announcer yelled.

"This'll be easy," The Evil Guy said, walking into the ring. "I'm facing a FREAK."

"HeyI'mnotafreakyouareandyou'regoingdown!" Sugarton yelled. He ran at The Evil Guy and kicked at him. The Evil Guy grabbed at Sugarton's leg, but Sugarton quickly leapt out of the way and ran back, hitting The Evil Guy in the ribs with a kick.

"How did he get so fast…" The Evil Guy said in a puzzled tone. But before he could ponder the mystery further, Sugarton struck with a quick punch to The Evil Guy's cloaked face. Then, another punch. The Evil Guy staggered back.

"YesyesyesI'mbeatinghimnowaitI'mwhoopinghimalright!" Sugarton cheered.

"No, no, you're not whooping me," The Evil Guy said. "Quite the opposite. In fact… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…"

Sugarton collapsed to the ground.

"Sugar crash…" Sugarton moaned. "My heeeeead…"

The Evil Guy kicked Sugarton hard in the neck, knocking him flat on the ground.

"Wow, did you see that?" Jet asked. "The guy that beat you just got beat!"

Andy whimpered.

"Oh yeah, I guess that makes you look even worse…" Jet said. "Sorry, man."

---

The third round ended with Macintyre, Applederry, Jet, and Faye easily winning their matches.

"Well, it's you and me in the quarterfinals, old friend," Applederry said, looking at the bracket.

"Wow…" Macintyre said. "Applederry, I can't take away your dream. You go on to the semis."

"Nonsense!" Applederry said. "We've never fought. This is a magical moment! We have to fight!"

"You know that, even though it'll look like I'm giving it my all, I'm subconsciously going to throw the match," Macintyre said.

"Party pooper," Applederry said. "But that just puts me one step closer! Yes!"

The round continued. Jet also won a match and advanced to the semi-finals.

"Uh oh," Faye said, looking at the bracket. "I have to face The Evil Guy."

"Whoa, good luck, Faye!" Jet said. "You'll need it!"

Gabby giggled.

"Poor Faye," Gabby said. "C'mon, guys! Faye can win!"

Applederry, Macintyre, and Jet looked at each other. Then, they started laughing.

"I'm serious!" Gabby shouted.

"Go, Faye," Andy said in a depressed tone. "Win. Weee."

"Are you still sad about losing in the first round?" Faye asked.

"Yes," Andy said.

"Good!" Faye replied. "Welp, I'm headed down to the ring! Wish me luck… I'll need it."

---

"Dead girl walking," The Evil Guy said as Faye walked down into the ring.

"Shut up," Faye said. "I have an unstoppable strategy that guarantees my victory."

"And what would that be?" The Evil Guy asked.

"This!" Faye shouted. She ran up to The Evil Guy and kicked him in the groin. The Evil Guy doubled over in pain.

"Hey!" the ref yelled. "Don't do that!"

"Why not?" Faye asked. She kicked The Evil Guy in the groin again.

"If you would have done that, there would have been no way Faye could have beaten you," Jet said to Gabby. "You should have kicked her in the nuts."

"Jet, I don't think-" Gabby began.


"Yeah!" Applederry said. "Faye's beating The Evil Guy all by herself!"

The Evil Guy rolled onto his back and groaned in pain.

"Ha!" Faye said victoriously. "I win!"

Suddenly, Faye was struck from behind by a kick to the head. She collapsed to the ground, unconscious. The Evil Guy, wearing the same clothes as 'The Evil Guy' whom Faye had just KOed stood behind her and laughed.

"And I had an even more unstoppable strategy," The Evil Guy said, pointing to the black cloaked figure who Faye had just defeated. "A robot decoy. Mwahaha!"

"That's not fair!" Jet yelled. "A robot decoy?"

"But wait, he's not through yet!" the announcer shouted. The Evil Guy was stomping Faye into the cold, hard floor of the ring.

"Bwahaha!" The Evil Guy laughed. "No one trifles with-"

"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play. Andy galloped into the ring on his horse and hopped off.

"You're under arrest for murder!" Andy yelled.

"So you know about the bounty," The Evil Guy said. "I guess you also know about Fighters' Immunity. While in the tournament, I can't be arrested for anything! Bwahaha!"

"Darn it, he got me on a technicality," Andy said. "Well, you'd better stop picking on Faye."

"Fine," The Evil Guy said. He kicked Faye's unconscious body over to Andy. "I'm going to win, and you've already lost! So you won't even get to fight me! Bwahahaha!"

---

"Well, The Evil Guy just won his semifinal match," Applederry said.

"That means that it's you versus me in the semis," Jet said. "And the winner faces that evil dude."

"It's The Evil Guy," Andy said.

"Whatever," Faye said, lying on the couch and healing from her injuries. "Just make sure to catch him once the tournament is over, alright? I want that money!"

"Faye, I was worried about you," Andy said. "When I saw you get beating up, it made me hurt inside!"

"That's so sweet," Faye said. "You're not just saying that?"

"Nope!" Andy said. "Little lady, you're alright! Little lady?"

Faye had fallen asleep.


"You bored her, Andy," Macintyre said. "Wake her up with an egg!"

"That's how he wakes me up!" Stephi said, giggling.

"You guys are gross," Andy said.

---

In the ring…

"Ever since I met you, I knew you were a stupid jerk who sucks," Applederry said.

"And you're an usurper!" Jet shouted.

"What's an usurper?" Applederry asked.

"I don't know, I just liked the way the word sounded. You know-"

Applederry ran at Jet and kicked him in the chest, knocking him back. Jet retaliated by slapping Applederry across the face with his metal arm. Applederry shrugged off the smack.

"Wha?" Jet said. "It usually knocks people down when I do that! Or sometimes, they pass out! I've killed people with this freaking thing!"

"Yeah, but I'm Applederry," Applederry said. "Applefreakingderry. I kicked the holy crap out of Spike, remember? And Spike is the same guy who twice fought Vicious to a draw. Vicious was strong enough to kill Gren, who was able to overpower Faye, who put Gabby out of the tournament, who killed Rick with a Vanterminator, who knocked you out with a sledgehammer."

"Your logic is flawed!" Jet yelled. "By that logic, Western Alabama St., who beat Marquette, who was able to upset Texas, who upset Kentucky, who knocked Duke out of the SSCAA basketball tournament, makes Western Alabama St. the strongest team in the Solar System, which is wrong!"

Applederry punched Jet in the face. Jet screamed out in pain and staggered back, clutching his nose. Applederry struck Jet in the head with a powerful kick, knocking him to the ground.

"Now are you ready to surrender?" Applederry asked.

"Jet, don't give up!" Gabby yelled. Jet stood up.

"As long as I have Gabby by my side, I'll never give up!" Jet declared. "Applederry, just bring it!"

Jet ran at Applederry and kicked him in the head. Again, the kick didn't even faze Applederry.

"I'm a tank," Applederry said. "A big, hulking tank of a man! And you're just a Corvette!"

"I like Corvettes," Jet said. "I want one."

Applederry kicked Jet in the jaw. Jet fell to the ground again.

"Ready to give up?" Applederry asked.

"No!" Jet shouted. He turned to Gabby and pointed past her. "Gabby, look over there!"

Gabby turned around, away from Jet.

"I give up," Jet whispered.

"Yes!" Applederry shouted. Gabby turned back around.

"Jet?" Gabby asked. "Why's Applederry so happy?"

Jet began sobbing.

"Gabby, I can't lie to you! Applederry was beating me bad! There was no way to stop him! So I gave up!"

Gabby ran over to Jet and gave him a big hug.

"Aw, it's okay!" Gabby said. "I still love you! You got to the semifinals and that's great! Now let's go home, okay?"

"Alright!" Jet said. "Bye, everyone!"


Jet and Gabby walked out of the arena, waving happily.

"Welp, I guess that just about does it!" Andy said. "A happy ending! Now let's go home!"

"Wait!" Applederry said. "I still have to beat The Evil Guy. And we have to catch him. Remember?"

Suddenly, The Evil Guy walked up to Applederry. Applederry turned to face him.

"Alright, you!" Applederry yelled. "You're going-"


The Evil Guy removed the cloak from his head, revealing himself to be… Mike Tyson IV!

"I've watched your fight, and I've come to the conclusion that you're a great competitor. You're so great. I idolize you and I want to be like you and you deserve to win," Tyson IV said. "I'm sorry I messed with your friends, and-"


Tyson IV immediately tried to bite Applederry's ear. Applederry pushed him away.

"You freak!" Applederry yelled. Tyson IV backed off dejectedly.

"Never mine," Tyson IV said. "Anyway, I surrender. You're the champ, Applederry. And… bye!"

Tyson IV ran backstage.

"He's getting away!" Macintyre shouted. "After him! The tournament's over!"

Andy, Macintyre, and Applederry ran after Tyson IV. However, they quickly lost him in the maze of backstage corridors.

"Darn it, Tyson got away…" Applederry said.


"They keep getting crazier and crazier, but who would have thought that a Mike Tyson would actually start murdering people?" Macintyre asked. "It boggles the mind."

Just then, a small girl dressed in the black cloak that Tyson IV had worn walked around the corner. She ran over to Andy and the others.

"I'm in the tournament!" the girl yelled. "I'm The Evil Guy!"

Applederry yanked the cloak off of the girl.

"Francoise?" Applederry stammered. "Is that you?"

"Uh… no," Edward said.

"Where's Tyson?" Andy asked.

"You mean the mean person?" Edward asked. "He tried to eat Edward's ear! So Edward had to knock him out!"

Edward pointed to Mike Tyson IV, who was passed out on the floor.

"Wow," Andy said. "We got him!"


"And I won!" Applederry shouted. "I won, I won, I won, I won!"

---

Aboard the Bebop…

"I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won, I won!" Applederry chanted repeatedly, holding his 24th Solar System Kickboxing Championship trophy.

"And Edward helped!" Edward shouted. "MacApple and Stephi-person called to congratulate you!'

"Isn't that nice," Faye said tiredly, lying down on her bed. "I wish I could have won. I was so close! My strategy was unstoppable!"

"Don't you worry, little lady," Andy said, patting Faye on the head. "You'll win next time."

"And in 5 years, Edward can enter!" Edward yelled. "And Ed can win!"

"I won, I won, I won!" Applederry yelled.

"He's been doing that for 24 hours," Faye whined. "Edward, when you finally get into the tournament, you have to beat your dad, okay?"

"It's a promise, Faye-Faye!" Edward yelled. "But only if you and Cowboy Andy fall in love!"

"No," Faye said.

See you, space cowboy…

---

Andy: It takes a deadly situation…

Crazy Judy: MWAHAHAHA!

Faye: A psycho maniac!

Crazy Judy: DIE DIE DIE!

Applederry: We've been building up to this for the whole series… well, not really.

Crazy Judy: Hello, Clarice!

The NEW Paunch: SOMEONE HELP ME!

Andy: Next episode, we go after… *gasps* Crazy Judy?

Faye: She's taken over the asylum where they've been keeping her!

Edward: Can Edward tell the people yet?

Applederry: Let the people figure it out.

Faye: Save me, Andy!

The NEW Paunch: Save me first!


Andy: Save me from the crazy person!

Faye: The next episode will be insane!

Edward: Can Edward TELL THEM?


Andy and Faye: NO!

Crazy Judy: Next episode, "Silence Of The Spam"! BWAHAHAHA!

Faye: Wow, I don't believe it!

Edward: Tell the people!