A few reviews!
Serila Slash: Basically, this story is the sequel to a story where I wrote and satirized the 26 episodes of Cowboy Bebop. This story satirizes what happens after Bebop.
The Review Guy: Wouldn't want to get Bowser mad, no sir. When Bowser gets mad he does crazy stuff… like teaming up with Mario. Glad you enjoyed my funny lines!
Nessacus Girl: Yes, very very close! But we have to save something for the final epi- never mind! Go Faye/Andy! And Bob the Builder! Can we fix it? Yes we can!
Lady Razorsharp: Glad you liked it! That was actually from Chapter 2! Hee, how ironic that Chapter 22's the episode where they're featured! I kinda thought it was a review for Chapter 22 at first!
Katie: Thanks for reviewing! You were singing the peaches song? What a coincidence! Yeah, Andy and Faye were close…. Faye will like him eventually, I hope! And my Ed ficcy's tentative name is Fantaisie Sign because that's the name of a little-known never released Bebop song that's entirely in French and I'm thinking of having Ed sing it in the story! I'll write it in a few months, I hope you can wait that long! Hee hee! And I'm glad your parental controls let you read this chapter!
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Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. Hey, I wonder if I own Ed's mommie? Since she wasn't in the series, theoretically… heh, since so many other people have her in their stories I guess I don't own her. Bleh.
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
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Applederry sat in his room, looking at an old picture of his wife, Jeanine.
"It's been seven years," Applederry sighed. "I wish I could see you again!"
Edward walked into the room. She sat next to her father and smiled.
"What'cha lookin' at, father-person?" Edward asked.
"I'm just looking at an old picture of your mother and remembering times when I used to be happy," Applederry said sadly.
"Edward thought you were happy, father-person!" Edward said. "Just yesterday, you were dancing around like a crazy happy person and yelled and cheering about how happy you were!"
"Well, yeah, but-"
"And you beat Faye-Faye at strip poker!" Edward said. Applederry laughed.
"Yeah, she was so mad about having to take off her bra," Applederry chuckled.
"Are you looking at mommy-person?" Edward asked.
"Yeah," Applederry said. "Don't you miss her?"
"Edward doesn't know anymore," Edward said.
"You know what?" Applederry asked. "One of these days, I'm going to find out where mommy went."
"Really? Can we do it today?" Edward pleaded.
"Well, I guess so," Applederry said. "Faye said she never wanted to play strip poker with me again. Let's go!"
---
Session 49: Mommy Can't Buy Me Love
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BIGSHOT- The CLASSIC Show For Bounty Hunters
CLASSIC Paunch: Well, amigos, it's been fun…
CLASSIC Judy: But because we made love on camera last episode, they've decided to cancel us.
CLASSIC Paunch: I know! That's unfair!
CLASSIC Judy: But we do have one last bounty for you all to catch!
*A picture of a very large-breasted woman appears on the screen.*
CLASSIC Paunch: She's known as the Tomb Raider! Kara Loft has stolen items from hundreds of people's graves!
CLASSIC Judy: I'm more well-endowed than her! *takes off her shirt*
CLASSIC Paunch: Yeah baby, yeah!
"This Kara Loft sounds really bad," Andy said.
"And it says here that her bounty is up to 300 million wulongs!" Faye said. "Guess what we're doing today?"
"Playing video games?" Andy replied.
"Andy, that wasn't even funny," Faye said. "We've got a tomb raider to catch!"
---
"Applederry, dear?"
Applederry turned around. He stood face-to-face with a beautiful woman with long, flowing red hair. She had a pale, white face, and she wore a beautiful white dress. Her stomach was slightly enlarged.
"Yes, Jeanine?" Applederry asked. "What is it, my dear?"
"What do you think we should name our daughter?" Jeanine asked.
"I've narrowed it down to three names," Applederry said.
"Run them past me," Jeanine replied
"Marie, Francoise, and…"
"And what?" Jeanine asked.
"Cinnamon," Applederry said. "What do you think?"
"Cinnamon?" Jeanine replied.
"I love cinnamon on everything. Toast, fruit, pizza, you name it," Applederry said. "What name do you have for her?"
"I was going to call her Edward," Jeanine said. "Well, actually, if she was a boy I would have called her Edward, but after the doctor learned she was a girl, I couldn't think of any girls' names. Maybe we should still call her Edward! There's this nice lady at the nursing home where I work, and her name is Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivuruski the 1st! We should call her that. Only she should be the 4th, because four is my favorite number!"
"Maybe Francoise would work," Applederry said. "It's a pretty name."
"You're probably right," Jeanine said. "Edward is pretty too…"
---
"Edward is a pretty name?" Edward asked, watching Applederry climb into one of the space fighters in the Bebop's hangar.
"Of course it is," Applederry replied. "Well, your mother thought it was. But I like Francoise. Actually, I like Cinnamon more. I could really go for some Cinnamon Toast Crunch right now…"
Applederry climbed out of the space fighter.
"Hey, aren't we going to find mommy-person?" Edward asked.
"Not yet," Applederry said. "I'm going to eat breakfast!"
Applederry ran back into the Bebop's living quarters.
"But it's four in the afternoon!" Edward yelled. Just then, Andy and Faye walked into the room.
"Hey there, Edward!" Faye said.
"Faye-Faye! Andy-person!" Edward greeted them. "Where are you two going?"
"We're going to Earth to hunt a tomb raider!" Andy said.
"Tomb Raider? Like Edward's video game?" Edward asked.
"No, not like Edward's video game," Faye said. "Actually, it is a lot like your video game… right down to the letter…"
"That's not important, though," Andy said. "She's a bad tomb raider."
"Could you two take Edward to Earth?" Edward asked. "Please? Edward wants to find mommy-person!"
"Edward, your mom is probably dead," Faye said. "How long has it been since you've seen her?"
"Seven years," Edward said. "But that's not that long! Edward knows that somewhere, Ed's mommy is alive!"
"Well, okay, we'll take you along," Andy said. "But don't get into trouble, okay?"
"Edward promises to be good!" Edward said.
"Then let's go!" Andy said. Andy hopped into the Ten Gallon, while Faye and Edward climbed into the Redtail. Then, the two space fighters took off into space. Meanwhile, Applederry had just finished his afternoon breakfast. He walked into the hangar.
"Okay, I'm full, let's go, Francoise!" Applederry said. "Francoise? Edward? You here? Oh crap!"
---
"Isn't she beautiful?" Jeanine asked, cradling a small red-haired baby in her arms.
"She is," Applederry said. "I think she'll grow up to be just like you!"
"Aw, I wouldn't say that," Jeanine said. "She'll be even more beautiful than I am!"
"All the boys will be after her," Applederry said.
"Guess you'll have to chase them all away, huh, mister kickboxing champion?" Jeanine said.
"Yeah, guess I will!" Applederry said proudly. "My family is wonderful!"
---
The Ten Gallon and the Redtail landed on the surface of Earth, in a small village. Andy, Faye, and Edward climbed out of the space fighters.
"Alright, Onyx," Andy said. "You can come out now."
The trunk of the Ten Gallon popped open. Onyx rolled out of the trunk and stood up on its four legs.
"Andy, how did you train it to do that?" Faye asked in astonishment.
"I honestly don't know!" Andy said.
"You honestly don't know anything," Faye replied. "Let's go find that tomb raider."
"Maybe Edward should have told father-person she was leaving," Edward said.
"He'll figure it out soon enough," Faye said.
"Yeah, he's a smart guy," Andy said. "Wait, no he's not! We'd better call him!"
Andy, Faye, and Edward ran into one of the houses in the village. Inside the house, the family that lived there had just sat down to eat. Naturally, they weren't very happy about having their dinner interrupted.
"Hey!" yelled a large, muscular man sitting at the table. "What the heck are you doing in here?"
The man reached under the table and took out a large shotgun.
"Shoot 'em! Shoot 'em!" chanted the three kids sitting at the table.
"Uh, we just wanted to know if we could use your phone," Andy said meekly.
"No!" the man yelled. He pointed his gun at Andy.
"Wait!" Edward yelled, stepping in front of Andy. "Don't shoot! Andy-person is Edward's friend!"
"Radical Edward?" said one of the kids at the table. He was a small boy and he was wearing large glasses. "I'm your biggest fan! You're so hot!"
"Really?" Edward said.
"What's up, Edward?" Faye asked.
"Well, when Ed lived on Earth, she had a fan club!" Edward said. "Edward remembers now! You're the leader of Edward's fan club!"
"That's right!" the boy said. "Timmy McTim, President of the Radical Edward fan club!"
Timmy took a cell phone out of his pocket and tossed it to Edward.
"And none of this seems weird to you?" Faye said.
"You get used to it," Andy replied. "Go Edward!"
Edward dialed Applederry's number.
---
Back aboard the Bebop…
"Where could Edward be?" Applederry asked. "Uh oh! Maybe she was kidnapped!"
Suddenly, the phone rang. Applederry ran to the phone and picked it up.
"I'll give whatever you want! Give me back my son!" Applederry yelled.
"I'm your daughter!" Edward said. "Hello, father-person! Edward went to Earth with Andy-person and Faye-Faye!"
"Oh," Applederry said. "I knew that."
Applederry hung up the phone.
"Duh, of course she went to Earth," Applederry said. "I am such an idiot!"
---
Andy, Faye, and Edward left the house and walked off toward the desert.
"Well, that went rather smooth," Andy said.
"If Edward wasn't so cuddly and lovable, Andy might have been shot!" Faye said. "Edward, why couldn't you have been born ugly?"
Edward giggled.
"So, where are we going?" Edward asked. "Edward's mommy isn't in the desert!"
"But the tomb is," Andy said. "The tomb of King Rich VI, the richest king to ever live."
"Kara Loft has got to be there to rob it, and we're going to catch her in the act!" Faye said. "And then, I'll get three hundred million wulongs!"
"And then we can find Edward's mommy!" Edward said. "Yay!"
---
The Bebop landed next to the Redtail and the Ten Gallon. Applederry stepped out of the Bebop and surveyed the surroundings. It was now late in the evening, and the sky had grown dark.
"Jeanine, I have to find you," Applederry said. "Even if I know that you're…"
---
"What did the doctor say?" Applederry asked. He was standing outside of a hospital room that Jeanine had just exited.
"I'm fine," Jeanine said. "Oh, I can't lie to you…"
"Oh no…" Applederry asked. "You-"
Jeanine nodded.
"I have butt cancer, Applederry," Jeanine said. "I have two weeks to live."
"WHY?" Applederry yelled. "WHY????"
Just then, a 6-year-old Edward walked up to Applederry and Jeanine.
"What did the doctor say?" Edward asked.
"WHY? WHY????" Applederry shouted.
"Um, Francoise, the doctor said 'Why are you in the hospital if you're perfectly fine!'. Which I am!" Jeanine lied.
"Okay!" Edward said. "Let's go home!"
"WHY?????" Applederry screamed.
---
"WHY? WHY? WHY?" Applederry shouted. "WHY???"
"What?" yelled the live studio audience.
"WHY?" Applederry shouted.
"What?" yelled the live studio audience.
"WHY?" Applederry shouted.
"What?" yelled the live studio audience.
"WHY?" Applederry shouted.
"What?" yelled the live studio audience.
"WHY?" Applederry shouted.
"WOULD YOU PIPE DOWN? PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!" shouted the voice of an angry old man.
"Oops, sorry," Applederry said.
---
Meanwhile, in front of the entrance to King Rich VI's tomb…
"Alright, who's going in first?" Andy asked. Faye immediately ran into the tomb.
"Wait up, Faye-Faye!" Edward shouted. Andy put his arm in front of Edward, stopping her.
"Wait," Andy said. "If we bother her, she'll get mad. She's on PMS."
"Ewww!" Edward yelled.
"Yeah, eww," Andy said. "Last time she was on PMS, she beat up a bunch of pirates! Remember when Faye beat up those pirates?"
"No," Edward said. "Edward thought Edward beat up those pirates! No, wait, it was Faye-Faye."
---
Inside the tomb…
"Alright, tomb raider," Faye whispered, holding her gun in front of her. "I know you're here."
Faye walked down a dark corridor until she reached the tomb's treasure room. When she got inside, she saw a cloaked figure carrying several priceless artifacts. The cloaked figure turned around. It was Kara Loft, the tomb raider.
"Hello," Loft said. "I see you have a gun."
"Freeze!" Faye shouted. "Freeze freeze freeze! Or I'll shoot shoot shoot!"
"Try it," Loft said. "I'm ready."
Faye began firing shots at the tomb raider. However, she easily managed to dodge all the shots with quick, fluent movements. She somersaulted over to Faye and kicked the gun out of her hand. Then, she flopped to the ground and swept her legs under Faye's.
"Aaaah!" Faye shouted as both of her legs flew out from under her. She crashed to the ground, landing on her back.
"Gotcha," Loft said, crawling on all fours and crouching over Faye.
"You'd better not mess with me," Faye said. "I'm on PMS."
"So am I," Loft growled.
---
"She's sure been in there for a while," Andy said. "Five whole minutes!"
"Faye-Faye?" Edward shouted. "Are you-"
The door to the tomb opened, and a bound and gagged Faye was tossed out. She landed on the cold, desert ground with a very angry look on her face.
"Lemme guess," Andy said. "You found the tomb raider?"
Faye nodded meekly.
"If I take off the gag, are you going to yell at me?" Andy asked. Faye nodded angrily.
"Andy-person, the mean tomb raider lady is still in there!" Edward yelled. "Get her!"
"Well, alright," Andy said. "I'm going in!"
Andy ran into the tomb.
"Okay, Faye-Faye, Edward will help you! Oh wait, Edward just remembered! Edward needs to find mommy-person! Will Faye-Faye be okay?" Edward asked.
Faye growled angrily.
"Great!" Edward said. "Bye, Faye-Faye!"
Edward ran off.
---
Inside the tomb…
"Now to get out of here," Kara Loft said. She was carrying a large pile of ancient artifacts.
"Stop right there, criminal!" Andy shouted. "You're going down! Because I'm Cowboy Andy!"
"I beat your friend," Loft said. "What makes you so sure you can beat me?"
"Nothing!" Andy shouted. "But I'm gonna give it the old college try anyway!"
Andy ran at Loft and kicked her in the head, knocking her back. She somersaulted backward to keep her balance, then ran at Andy and punched him in the nose.
"Ouch!" Andy shouted. "Take this!"
Andy leapt up and kicked at Loft again. She ducked under the kick and rolled under Andy's legs, then kicked him in the back, knocking him to his knees.
"Sorry I can't stay, but I've got a plane to catch! Actually, I don't. But it's a really good excuse! So long, sucker!" Loft shouted. She ran out of the tomb and into the night. Andy stood up and shook his fist.
"You won't get away with this!" Andy shouted. "Because I am- oh, just screw it. I just got beat by a GIRL!"
---
Applederry ran through the desert.
"Jeanine's tomb is out here," Applederry said. "I'm depressed…"
Applederry spotted a tomb. He ran over to it, only to find out that it was the tomb of King Rich VI.
"Crap," Applederry said. "Jeanine's tomb is the next one over. Well, I guess-"
"Mmmph!" Faye shouted. Applederry looked down to see Faye, who was still bound and gagged.
"What happened to you?" Applederry asked. "Did Andy get weird all of a sudden?"
Applederry freed Faye from her bonds. She climbed to her feet.
"Andy didn't get weird, but he's gonna get hurt!" Faye yelled. "He sent me alone after a dangerous criminal!"
"What was the criminal like?" Applederry asked.
"She was quick and nimble and physically strong!" Faye yelled. "She caught me totally off-guard!"
"I see," Applederry said. "Where's Andy now?"
"He went into the tomb to fight her," Faye said.
"Oh," Applederry said. "Welp, I'm going to find my dead wife now. Tell me who wins, k?"
Applederry ran off.
"Oooh, you!" Faye shouted. Just then, a bruised-up Andy limped out of the tomb, rubbing his back.
"She got away," Andy said. "But at least I didn't get totally embarassed like you did! Ha ha!"
"Andy, that's not nice," Faye said. "I'm gonna beat you up!"
Faye began punching Andy repeatedly. Andy sighed.
"What's wrong?" Faye asked. "Usually, you at least say 'ow'."
"I got beaten up by a girl," Andy said.
"Oh yeah, I saw here come out of there," Faye said. "She was kind of limping, actually! You did beat her up a little!"
"Really?" Andy said.
"No, I'm just trying to make you feel better," Faye said. "Now, why is that?"
"I think you like me, Faye!" Andy said.
"I think I do!" Faye said. "Andy, I love you!"
Faye facefaulted.
"NOT AGAIN!" Andy shouted. "WHY? WHY????"
"HEY, PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!" yelled the angry old man.
---
At Jeanine's tomb…
"My darling wife, I miss you so," Applederry said, staring at the outside of Jeanine's tomb. "WHY? WHY????"
Edward ran up to Applederry.
"Father-person!" Edward shouted. "What's wrong?"
"Oh, uh…" Applederry stammered. "You see, Edward…"
"What's the tomb say?" Edward asked. She turned around to face it. The tomb read:
Jeanine Appledelhi
2036-2064
Beloved wife, beloved mother
"That's mommy-person's name," Edward said. Edward gasped. "Oh no! That's mommy-person's tomb!"
"Uh, yeah," Applederry said. "It's in case she died. But she's still alive! As a change of subject… isn't my name cool? Applederry Appledelhi! Apple apple apple!"
"Father-person, Edward isn't stupid," Edward said. "Oh, poor mommy-person!"
Edward began to cry.
"Can Edward see mommy one last time? Her body's in here, right?" Edward said, crying.
"Yes," Applederry said. "Let's go."
Applederry and Edward walked into the tomb. They walked down a short corridor. Then, they arrived at the main room, where Jeanine's body was.
"Okay, Edward, are you ready to see your mom?" Applederry asked. "If you don't want to, that's okay."
"Yes," Edward sniffled. She walked up to the glass case containing Jeanine's body. "Mommy…"
Edward looked down into the case.
"Hey!" Edward yelled. "No one's in here!"
"Wha?" Applederry said. "That's ridiculous!"
Applederry walked over to the case. Sure enough, there was no body inside.
"Look!" Edward yelled, pointing at the corner of the room. "Someone's here!"
The black-cloaked figure standing in the room turned around to face Edward and Applederry.
"You must be the criminal!" Edward yelled. "You're the tomb raider! Like in the video game! You tied up poor Faye-Faye!"
"What in the blue hell have you done with my wife's body, you sick fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffreak?" Applederry yelled. "I'm gonna make you smell what The Rock is cookin'!"
Applederry ran at Kara Loft and threw a punch at her. Loft ducked under the punch and kicked Applederry in the back. Applederry stumbled forward, but quickly spun around and kicked Loft hard in the stomach. She stumbled back, giving Applederry enough time to hit her square in the face with a punch. The tomb raider stumbled backward, then fell onto the ground, landing flat on her bad.
"Yay! Father-person beat up the tomb raider!" Edward shouted. Applederry walked over to her. She stood up weakly.
"I can't believe it," Loft said.
"You can't believe I beat you?" Applederry asked. "I'm the 24-time Kickboxing champion of the Solar System!"
"I can't believe… that I found you at last," Loft said. She removed the cloak from her head.
"Oh my God," Applederry said. "What the FOU?"
The woman that stood in front of Applederry had a beautiful face with long, red hair.
"Applederry, it's me," the 'tomb-raider' said. "Jeanine."
"Mommy-person?" Edward said, looking up at Jeanine. "Edward thought you were dead! But you're alive! Edward is so happy!"
Edward leapt into Jeanine's arms. Jeanine embraced Edward.
"I'm so happy to see you again, my darling Edward!" Jeanine said.
"You remembered Edward's name!" Edward said.
"Well, I figured that you'd eventually name yourself that!" Jeanine said. "Mother's instinct and all."
"Wait a second, you said you had butt cancer!" Applederry said. "You died! You put me through all that sadness and pain! WHY? WHY????"
"Applederry, you know darn well why," Jeanine said. "You cheated on me! I was going to kill myself, but I decided to fake my own death to teach you a lesson! And come on. Butt cancer? How dumb do you have to be to believe that."
"I'm so, so, so sorry!" Applederry said. "Please forgive me?"
"Well, since you asked nicely… okay!" Jeanine said. "But if you ever cheat on me again, I'll have you castrated!"
"Ooh la la," Edward said.
"Why did you become a tomb raider?" Applederry asked.
"It sounded fun!" Jeanine said. "Just like the video game! Remember the video game, Edward? I even took the main character's name! Well, I did switch it around a bit, but-"
"Yeah!" Edward said. "Mommy's a video game character!"
Applederry, Edward, and Jeanine laughed.
---
Back aboard the Bebop…
"Three hundred million wulongs," Faye sighed. "If only I could have beaten that tomb raider…"
"I couldn't beat her either," Andy said. "Well, we loaded up the Redtail and the Ten Gallon, but we can't take off until Applederry gets back…"
Just then, Edward ran into the room happily.
"Guess what?" Edward shouted.
"Oh no!" Faye yelled. "That steroid-abusing Applederry beat up the tomb raider! ARGH!"
"Nope!" Edward yelled. "But close!"
A smiling Applederry and Jeanine walked into the room.
"Andy-person, Faye-Faye, meet mommy-person!" Edward said, pointing to Jeanine.
"Also known as the tomb raider," Jeanine said, winking at Andy and Faye.
"Hello there!" Andy said, shaking Jeanine's hand. "It certainly was a pleasure to be defeated in battle by someone such as yourself!"
"And I guess I enjoyed being utterly embarassed," Faye said. "Wait, no I didn't!"
"Anyway, Jeanine and I are going to start a new life on Mars," Applederry said. "Jeanine has her own ship."
"Edward, you have a decision to make," Jeanine said. "You can live aboard the Bebop with Andy and Faye, or you can live on Mars with us."
"Well… Edward wants to stay on Bebop for a while! Edward really, really wants to be a cowgirl!" Edward said. "But… Edward will miss you both, very much!"
"Sounds good!" Applederry said. "Well, Jeanine dear, let's go!"
"Alright!" Jeanine said. Applederry and Jeanine hugged and kissed Edward. "Goodbye! Edward, be good for the nice cowboys, okay!"
Applederry and Jeanine turned to leave. They walked out of the Bebop, hand in hand.
"By the way, Applederry dear," Jeanine said. "A nice nun talked to me while I was on Earth. She said something about a girl left at her school by a deadbeat dad?"
"Uh, it wasn't Edward," Applederry said.
"Good!" Jeanine said. They exited the Bebop.
"Wow, Faye, I guess this makes us Edward's parents!" Andy said. "Now we have to get married!"
"Nice try," Faye said.
See you, space cowboy…
---
Andy: And then there were three!
Faye: Whoop-de-doo.
Edward: Yay!
Andy: It's time to get down with the Brown! Leroy Brown that is! I'm going back to the Oniyate Ranch for a final showdown with my rival!
Faye: It's gonna rock… wait, no it isn't.
Andy: Catherine is in big trouble, and I have to save her! That Leroy Brown torched my town!
Edward: Beat him, Andy-person!
Andy: Next episode, "Showdown With The Brown"! Don't you dare miss it!
Faye: Our 50th episode!
Edward: Can we have a party? Can we show clips?
Faye: We're not the Simpsons.
Edward: Aww….