A few reviews!
NessacusGirl: I love ya too, Gabby! And I just got your e-mail! I'll try to reply as fast as I can but it might take me until next week! And I bet there are a bunch of online Edward fan clubs! Hee, PMS… and bad bad Applederry! He's like dang ol' Boomhauer! ^_^
The Review Guy: Yes, poor, poor facefaulting Faye and poor poor Andy! Andy's kinda manipulative, isn't he? Or is Faye? Hmm…
Katie: Okay, I hope you can wait! Hee hee! Taider… tator! French fried taters! Hee hee! Jamaican Sunrise? How sweet! ^_^ I don't know why I named him Timmy McTim. It's hard coming up with funny names… and yeah, cancer isn't funny… but I don't think anyone has butt cancer… do they? Oh well. It's my zodiac sign too actually! Yep, Edward's mom is pretty forgiving! I hope Applederry doesn't cheat again. Oooh, yes, dramatic showdown coming up this chapter! Thank you very very much for the kind review! Sorry about cancelling Biggershot… and I'm glad you like my stories so much! There are other reasons to stay at FF.net though! Like Gabby and Blookie's stories!
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Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or any of the characters. Catherine is mah property! Get offa mah property! *takes out a boomstick* Don't make me warns ya again!
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
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Andy, Faye, and Edward sat on the couch in the Bebop's main room, watching a big-screen TV. They were watching the new reality show, Joe Millionaire's Survivor Boot Camp Idol.
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"Alright, I'm going to tabulate the votes," said the show's host, Jeff Probst IV. "Once the votes are counted, the decision is final, and the person with the most votes has to do push-ups while being berated by Simon and lied to by a hobo.
The show's five remaining contestants cringed nervously.
"I know I'm going to get voted out," said a tall man who was wearing a dress. "It's because I'm gay! Oh, I hope Joe likes me…"
Joe Millionaire IV, sitting at a table between Simon Cowell IV and an angry-looking drill instructor, winked at the man.
"First vote… Chris," Probst IV said. The tall man wearing the dress began to cry.
"That vote wasn't even for you," said a muscular man sitting next to the tall man. "I'm Chris, remember?"
"I love you, man!" Chris shouted.
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Session 50!!!: Showdown With The Brown
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"Hee hee," Edward giggled. "They're such a cute couple!"
"I love this show," Andy said. "It's my favorite show!"
"I want to watch basketball," Faye grumbled.
"Why?" Andy asked.
"Because then, you wouldn't get to watch this. Ha!" Faye replied. Suddenly, the Bebop's phone rang.
"Not in the middle of my show…" Andy sighed. He picked up the phone. "Yes?"
"Bad news, Andy," said the voice on the other end of the line. Andy recognized it immediately.
"Hey, it's Jim! My old friend from Harvard!" Andy said.
"You went to Harvard? I don't believe that," Faye said.
"Andy-person is a smarty-pants!" Edward said.
"My parents had a lot of money! Only the best for Andy Oniyate!" Andy said proudly. "I flunked out in the first two months."
"Andy, bad, bad, BAD news. You sure you wanna hear this?" Jim asked.
"Maybe I don't," Andy said. "Bad news scares me!"
"Let me hear it then," Faye said, grabbing for the phone.
"No, that's okay!" Andy shouted. "Grabby. The phone is mine!"
"This news is bad, I'm telling you," Jim said. "You don't have a gun in your hand, do you? If you did, you'd probably commit suicide after hearing this news."
"I've got a gun on my belt," Andy said.
"Get rid of it," Jim said. "Because this news is BAD."
Andy took the gun out of his holster and handed it to Edward.
"Edward, take good care of this," Andy said, handing the gun to Edward.
"Andy, we can't give Edward a gun!" Faye yelled.
"That's okay!" Edward said, taking the gun. "Edward will be very, very careful!"
"Alright," Andy said. "Jim, I'm ready to hear the bad news."
"Andy, Leroy Brown attacked Deimos," Jim said. "Particularly, he attacked your ranch and the town next to it."
"WHAT?" Andy yelled.
"All of your cattle are dead, and your mansion was burnt to the ground," Jim said.
"WHAT???" Andy yelled, even louder this time.
"And the town's been burnt as well. There are very, very few survivors," Jim said morbidly. "And-"
"WHAT?????" Andy shouted angrily. "What about Catherine?"
"What about Catherine?" Faye asked in a rather jealous tone.
"Leroy's kidnapped her," Jim said.
"WHAT???????" Andy yelled.
"Geez, you sound just like that Stone Cold Steve Austin IV guy. Remember him?" Faye asked.
"Not really," Edward replied. "Edward's sure he was a nice guy, though!"
"How do you know all this stuff?" Andy asked.
"Simple," Jim said. "Because I helped him! I'm Leroy Brown's newest lackey! Mwahahaha!"
The phone went silent.
"What was it, Andy-person?" Edward asked. "You look awfully angry…"
"It's nothing," Andy said. "Actually, it is something. My best friend from college is Leroy Brown's lackey."
Faye and Edward gasped.
"How could any friend of Andy-person's help that bad man?" Edward replied. "Edward will help beat him! Edward will defeat him!"
"Is that it?" Faye asked.
"No," Andy said. "It seems that Leroy Brown torched my ranch, my mansion, and my town. He killed almost everyone and he kidnapped Catherine."
"Oh, that's why you mentioned Catherine," Faye said. "We have to help her! Wait, no we don't… well, unless you're not her girlfriend…"
"I can't believe that scoundrel Leroy Brown kidnapped my first girlfriend," Andy muttered. "We have to stop him!"
Andy ran toward the cockpit.
"We're going to Deimos!" Andy declared. He continued to run toward the cockpit, but stopped suddenly.
"What's wrong?" Faye asked.
"Applederry was the pilot," Andy said. "I don't know how to-"
"Edward will handle it!" Edward said, running into the cockpit. Within minutes, the Bebop had arrived on Deimos.
"Go, Edward!" Faye cheered.
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Meanwhile, at Leroy Brown's new hideout in a large castle on Deimos…
"Good thing you went to Harvard," Leroy Brown said, facing his new lackey Jim. "And it's a really good thing that they changed from a school of law to a school of rapid architecture in 2004! Otherwise, you wouldn't have been able to build this castle so fast!"
"And it's impenetrable," Jim said. "Andy will never get in!"
"Bwahahaha!" Leroy laughed. "Bwahaha- you're not laughing, Jim!"
"Um… bwaha," Jim laughed. "Ha ha bwahaha. Ha ha."
"With spirit!" Leroy shouted. He pointed his gun at Jim and shook his fist. "With spirit!"
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The Bebop landed on Deimos. However, as Andy, Faye, and Edward stepped out of their ship, they could already tell that the tiny satellite was a changed place. Several fires had flared up in the distance, and lightning crackled in the sky.
"Wow, Deimos is cooler than when we came here last time," Faye said. "Fire and lightning… this place rocks!"
"How could you say that, Faye?" Andy yelled. "All my friends are dead! Wait, I didn't really know anyone living here. You and Edward and Jet and Gabby and Macintyre and Stephi and Kikome and Catherine are my real friends. Wait, one of my friends is dead."
Faye began sobbing.
"Spike!" Faye cried.
"Let's go catch that meanie Leroy Brown, okay?" Edward said.
"That's just what I wanna do!" Andy said. "You can read me like a book, Edward! Let's go! Wait a second… where are we going?"
Faye, however, had already taken off toward one of the fires. Edward was following her.
"Never mind," Andy sighed. He ran off after Faye and Edward.
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Andy, Faye, and Edward ran through the dilapidated entrance of Oniyate Town. All of the buildings were either on fire or had already been burnt down. Dead bodies littered the streets.
"Geez, this is awfully morbid for a wholesome cowboy like me," Andy said as he stumbled into the destroyed town.
"What happened here?" Faye asked. "Oh yeah, Leroy Brown burned it down."
"Hee hee, Faye-Faye made a rhyme! She makes one every time!" Edward laughed.
"There's nothing funny about this!" Andy shouted. "Onyx, come forth!"
A galloping noise could be heard in the distance. Onyx ran through the entrance of the town.
"Onyx, bring all these poor people back from the dead!" Andy shouted. Onyx neighed. "Oh, right, I remembered… Onyx can't revive people."
"Duh," Faye said. "So, what do we do now?"
"We take it right to Leroy! Right where it hurts!" Andy shouted.
"You're gonna kick him in the nuts?" Edward asked. "Edward doesn't think that'll work…"
"I meant that we were going to storm his castle," Andy said. "Let's go!"
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Outside of Leroy's huge castle, which was surrounded by hundreds of armed guards…
"You were going to do what, Andy?" Faye asked.
"Shut up, little lady," Andy said. "How was I supposed to know that Leroy's castle would be surrounded. I just thought that LEROY would have the BALLS to FIGHT me MAN TO MAN like a REAL MAN!"
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Up in Leroy's throne room…
"What is he yelling?" Leroy asked.
"I think he wants to do you, sir," Jim said.
"Really?" Leroy replied.
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"We'll never get in there," Andy said. "Catherine needs me, and I failed! I freaking failed!"
Andy began sobbing.
"Welp, you freaking failed. Let's go home!" Faye said.
"Wait!" Edward shouted. "Listen! The soldiers are chanting something!"
Andy and Faye quieted down and began to listen to the soldiers.
"They are chanting something," Andy said.
"And it's making me hungry," Faye said.
"Oreo! Yo ho! Oreo! Yo ho!" chanted the soldiers.
"They want Oreos!" Edward said.
"Of course they want Oreos," Andy replied. "Oreos are good!"
"But where are we going to get enough Oreos to give to the soldiers?" Faye asked. "There must be at least five hundred men! How-"
"Onyx, come forth!" Andy shouted. Onyx galloped up to Andy, carrying two large crates filled with Oreos on its back.
"Wow!" Edward said in amazement. "That's cooly booly! Hooray for Andy-person and his magic horse!"
"Guys?" Andy said, struggling to lift the crates of cookies off of Onyx. "Little help here?"
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Five minutes later, the castle's perimeter was completely devoid of soldiers. They had each received enough Oreos to satisfy them, and they had left guard duty to throw a party.
"I told you all they wanted was Oreos," Faye said. "You wouldn't believe me."
"Faye-Faye is a genius!" Edward said, winking at the camera.
"Well, let's go!" Andy said. "Into the castle!"
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"The guards on the outside are gone, but they're be facing ten times as many guards on the inside!" Leroy yelled. "Bwahaha-"
"Actually, I stationed all the guards outside," Jim said. "I figured that there would be no way for Andy to stop the-"
A gunshot rang out throughout the room.
"Stop this, incompetent fool!" Leroy shouted, standing over Jim's dead body. "Bwahahahahahahaha! Bwahahahahahahahaha!"
"That wasn't nice," Catherine said, hanging upside-down from the ceiling by her ankles.
"Shut up, you," Leroy said.
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Andy, Faye, and Edward walked into the main foyer of Leroy Brown's castle.
"I have to stop Leroy," Andy said. "You two might wanna go back."
"We'd never abandon you, Andy-person!" Edward said. "We'll be with you all the way!"
"I'll never leave your side," Faye said. "Andy… I love you!"
Faye facefaulted.
"Thanks, guys," Andy said, a tear coming down his cheek. "You're the greatest! Group hug!"
Andy gave Edward a big hug.
"I said group hug," Andy said.
"Faye-Faye fell down!" Edward said, pointed at the facefaulted Faye.
"Edward, you'd better stay here and take care of Faye," Andy said. "I'll come back as soon as I've beaten Leroy, alright?"
"Alrighty, Andy-person!" Edward said. "Go, Andy!"
"Onyx, come forth!" Andy shouted. Onyx ran toward Andy. Andy leaped up and onto his noble steed. Then, Onyx galloped up the stairs toward Leroy's throne room.
"What a glory hog!" Faye said, climbing to her feet. "See if we help him."
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"Mwahaha!" Leroy laughed. "Andy is a coward. He won't show up!"
"You're wrong!" Catherine yelled. "Andy will come for me. He loves me!"
"Wanna bet?" Leroy asked. "One million wulongs says that Andy doesn't show."
"Okay," Catherine said. "You're on! Owie… the blood's rushing to my head…"
"Good!" Leroy laughed evilly. "Bwahaha-"
"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play. The faint sound of a horse galloping could be heard in the distance.
"I win," Catherine said. "Pay up!"
"We didn't shake on it," Leroy said. "Nyah nyah!"
Onyx galloped into the throne room. Andy hopped off of the horse and faced Leroy.
"Andy!" Catherine said happily. "You came for me!"
"Of course I did, little lady!" Andy said. "I could never leave a damsel in distress!"
Andy turned to Leroy.
"So, Andy," Leroy said. "You're finally here."
"Leroy, look," Andy said. "I have something to say to you."
Andy took in a deep breath.
"Look, we're both mature adults, right?" Andy said. He took out a piece of paper. "I have a handwritten apology signed by my horse and I, asking forgiveness from you. You see, Onyx never, ever takes a dump in the street like that. I already yelled at him, and he promises never to do it again. So-"
"Save your apologies!" Leroy shouted. "My name is Leroy Brown! You killed my shoes! Prepare to die!"
Leroy ran at Andy with intense fury. He took out his gun and shot at Andy, but Andy rolled out of the way and fired back, missing Leroy by a mile. Leroy ran up to Andy and kicked him in the head, causing him to stagger back.
"Get him, Andy!" Catherine cheered. "Kick his butt!
Andy leaped over Leroy and kicked him in the back. Leroy stumbled forward, then turned around and shot at Andy, shooting a hole right in Andy's hat.
"My lucky hat!" Andy yelled. "Now it has a hole in it. Wait, that makes it a cool hat! Shoot it again!"
"I think not," Leroy said. He staggered back toward the large stained glass window in the back of the throne room. "Come get me, Andy!"
"It's a trick," Andy said. "If I run at you, you'll dodge out of the way, and I'll crash right through!"
"I would never do that," Leroy said. "C'mon! Don't be a coward!"
"You asked for it!" Andy yelled. He ran at Leroy. But just before Andy reached him, Leroy dodged out of the way. Andy stumbled forward and crashed right through the window. He fell backwards toward the ground.
"Ha ha!" Leroy yelled. "You idiot!"
"ANDY!" Catherine shouted. "No!"
Andy continued to fall. And fall. And fall. And fall.
"I am an idiot," Andy thought. "And I wouldn't have it any other way!"
French french french french
French french french french
La la la la la…
Doot dee doot dee doot doo
Doot dee doot dee doot doo
La la la la la…
No one knows what this song means
No one really cares
It's supposed to be about a green bird
But no one really cares
*cue beautiful piano solo which makes Bebop fanboys go "OMG WOW THIS SONG IS THE ROXXORS! IT ROXXORS ALMOST AS MUCCH AS FAIE'S BOOBZORS!!!LOLOLOLLOLOLOL!!!"
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Back aboard the Bebop…
"Wake up, Andy," Faye said, shaking Andy awake. Andy sat up.
"Didn't I fall from a ten story castle? I'm completely unharmed!" Andy said in astonishment.
"Duh," Faye said. "You're Cowboy Andy. It's not like you're Spike or anything."
"Bad man Leroy-person left this note-note for Andy-person!" Edward said, handing Andy a note.
"Come to the town… well, what's left of the town square at high noon. We shall duel with pistols at ten paces. Don't be yellow, or I'll kill Catherine! Bwahahaha!" Andy read.
"Are you gonna show up?" Faye asked.
"No schlock, Sherlock," Andy said.
"Hee hee, Faye-Faye is Sherlock!" Edward giggled. "Go Andy-person!"
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In the town square…
"It's 11:59," Leroy said, looking at his watch. "One minute. Bwahaha!"
"He'll show up! Again!" Catherine shouted. She had been duct taped to the water tower, which was the only structure still standing in the town. Which poses the question… why couldn't the water in the water tower have been used to put out the fires that Leroy set? That question will be answered… never.
"He won't show. I'll bet you… never mind," Leroy said. "He has five seconds until high noon! Five! Four! Three! Two!"
"I'm here!" Andy said, walking onto the scene.
"I'm killing Catherine," Leroy said. "I said to show up at high noon, not high 11:59:59!"
"My watch says noon on the dot," Andy said.
"Your watch can suck my watch's toes!" Leroy replied. "Fine, fine, it's high noon, whatever you say."
"Pistols at ten paces," Andy said.
"You got it," Leroy replied. "Let's go!"
Leroy and Andy stood back-to-back, holding up their pistols. Faye and Edward hid inside a burned-out saloon nearby, watching on nervously.
"I hope Andy survives!" Faye said. "I love him!"
Faye immediately facefaulted. Andy and Leroy began walking away from each other.
"1! 2! 3! 4! 5!" Leroy counted. "6! 7! 8! 9!"
Suddenly, a fat, naked man wearing a scarf and a pair of Nike Shox *ching-ching bling-bling! $$$* ran between Andy and Leroy. Andy turned around and immediately gave chase. He dove at the streaker, but the streaker leaped over Andy's grasp and continued running. Leroy tried to dive at him, but the streaker jumped over Leroy.
"Blimey, look at that!" Faye shouted in an English accent. The man grabbed a nearby horse-hitching post and began spinning around on it.
"This image will stay with Edward for a long time!" Edward said in an English accent. "Scorched onto Edward's retina!"
The streaker ran off.
"Let's try this again," Leroy said. He and Andy stood back-to-back. "1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 8! 9!"
The streaker ran out onto the scene again. (Isn't it sad that advertising has even permeated the world of fanfiction? $$$)
"Looks like he's got more souvenirs for the crowd!" Faye yelled in an English accent. Leroy and Andy chased the streaker again, but he evaded them and ran for the town entrance.
"And he's off like a bull with gas!" Edward yelled as the streaker successfully evaded Andy and Leroy and ran off into the distance. Andy and Leroy got back-to-back again. They held up their guns.
"1! 2! 3! 4!" Leroy counted. Faye and Edward nervously crossed their fingers. "5! 6! 7!"
"C'mon, Andy…" Catherine whispered to herself.
"8! 9!" Leroy counted.
"No streaker?" Andy thought. "Oh no, I'm not ready!"
"10!"
Andy and Leroy both turned around. Andy got the first shot. Nothing happened.
"My gun's jammed!" Andy shouted. "Oh fudgicles!"
"Ha!" Leroy said. "My gun's not!"
"Really?" Andy said. "Let me see."
"Okay," Leroy said. He tossed his pistol to Andy. "But I'm telling you, it's not jammed."
"Sucker!" Andy shouted. He shot Leroy once through the head, killing him instantly. "Ha! Now who's the stupid cowboy?"
The gun fired again, shooting Andy in the foot.
"Argh!" Andy yelled. He dropped the gun. It fired again, shooting Andy in the other foot. "Argh!"
"Now that's comedy," Faye said, giggling like a schoolgirl. "Andy, are you okay?"
"Yes!" Andy declared. He ran up to the water tower, unimpeded by his injured feet. He climbed up the water tower and freed Catherine from the tape, then leaped back down to the ground below, heroically holding her in his arms. "Catherine, are you alright?"
"I am, thanks to you," Catherine said sweetly. "Oh, Andy!"
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Back aboard the Bebop…
"So I guess now you and Catherine are going to get married and start a family," Faye said. "It figures."
"Maybe so," Andy said. "But not after Catherine gets finished finding all seven Dragonballs again! She's promised to wish back everyone in Oniyate Town, as well as my cattle!"
"So you're not going to marry her?" Faye asked.
"Nope, at least not for a year!" Andy said. "Anyway, since I beat my rival…"
Edward gasped.
"Is this the end?" Edward asked.
"Yes it is, Edward," Andy said. "It's the end!"
"This sucks," Faye said. "But I guess we had a nice run. Fifty episodes and all."
"It's over," Andy said. "It's all over!"
You're gonna carry that weight…
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Faye: Hah hah, fooled you!
Andy: We've got two more episodes to go!
Edward: Tricking our fans isn't nice…
Andy: We'll make it up to them with… uh…
Faye: Next episode, Edward accidentally opens up the gates to Hell!
Edward: What?
Andy: What kind of an episode is that?
Faye: Guess who lives in Hell? Guess! Guess!
Andy: Satan?
Faye: No, better than that! It's… *sighs dreamily* Spike… I'll get to see him again!
Andy: Hey, who's the grey-haired dude?
Faye: That's Vicious. He lives in Hell too. But Spike will protect me from Vicious! *sighs dreamily* Spike…
Andy: Oh yeah, I remember! Spike… he's such a doodyhead jerkwad buttface!
Edward: Next episode… *gasps* Edward can't say that bad word!
Faye: Next episode, "Dude, We're Going To Hell! (Part 1)" Dude!
Andy: It's the beginning of the end, dude!