Chapter 4 - Invasion of the Mary Sues
When we last saw our hero, he had blasted off into the sky as
POTTER THE AVENGER!
Now we join him as he blasts off to battle the evil Lord Voldemort, whom he automatically knows the location of because he has EVIL DOER RADAR! *dramatic theme music* Sexy, ain't it? But anyway...
Harry landed in the seemingly deserted clearing, in the middle of a forest with abso-tively posi-lutely no help for many kilometers. As Harry cast furtive looks around, suddenly the evil Lord apparated in a large puff of magical pink smoke. One by one, his followers appeared, creating a circle around the two. Anyone could see that Voldemort wanted Harry dead. Harry, turning to the author, scoffed and said,
"How obvious is that?"
Then the author brandished a large, red hot branding iron with the words "KILLED OFF" at Harry, and he retreated cowardly.
The circle widened as more and more black-robed followers joined them. Harry's eyes grew large at the sight of them. He recognized half of the new followers, and silently counted them. It was true, then! Voldemort was returning to power, even more frightful than ever! Harry looked around the circle and gasped.
"George Bush? Auntie Ann, of the pretzel cart? MICHAEL JACKSON?? Noooooooo!" shrieked our poor hero upon seeing the Day-Glo white face of ol' Mikey. He knew that if Voldemort sent Michael against him, he would be forced to listen to the awful sounds that had gone platinum even more times than Michael's skincolor. Voldemort cackled evilly and waved his wand around lazily.
"And now, we shall duel," he whispered, his voice cutting through the clearing and radiating pain through Harry's scar. Both lifted their wands and...
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(A/N: Oh, I'm evil aren't I? Well we have to save some for the next chapter!)
Back at the castle, Ron's chin was on the floor. Along with the chins of almost every male of the Hogwarts population (the exceptions being Crabbe + Goyle, who were too stupid to do anything but stand in one place and...look stupid) as a steady stream of gorgeous Americans paraded through the entrance doors and into the Great Hall. The Hogwarts girls were glaring threateningly, and as cliche as it is, if looks could kill there would be twenty American psuedo-supermodels buried somewhere near the grounds. Chattered bounced through the Great Hall, echoing off the walls and penetrating the ears of poor, normal Lavender, who was glaring with disgust at Mary Susan Smith, a bouncy redhead who was eyeing Ron eagerly.
"Like, ohmuhgawd. This place is SOOOO cool!" exclaimed Mary Stuart Baker, a petite, raven-haired beauty with the brain of a plastic Barbie doll.
"Ohmuhgawd I know! I mean, look at these awesome walls! They're like, stone! They have got to be like....old or something!" gushed Marysweet Mason, a tall blonde who had been a Victoria's Secret model at the age of twelve and was now a ravishing sixteen with a brain to match the size of her shirt (barely existent).
One of the five relatively intelligent (meaning they had a brain bigger than that of a piece of lettuce) additions to Hogwarts, Maddy Smythe scanned the Great Hall. Maddy was not quite a Mary Sue, but being an American transfer student she was lumped into the category immediately. Her intelligent gray (or were they blue? hazel? no one could ever tell) eyes looked over the gaggle of Hogwarts students standing in the entrance hall, and a giggle escaped her lips. The guys looked so dumb! A lot like her old school in Virginia. But there was one guy in the middle of the crowd who stood out. His eyes were what got her. That and his hair, but we'll get to that in a sec. His eyes looked oddly cartoonish, like Japanese Anime or something! And his black hair stuck out in odd, triangular tufts from his pale head, making him look like an odd baby bird that had been dropped out of the nest. His eyes caught hers and she smiled. She hoped she'd be in his house! Yey! She smiled and went back to making fun of the gawking males.
Another semi-intelligent girl, the blonde, blue eyed Alicia Johansenn looked up from her hands, where she had been studying her new wand. Eleven inch willow, swishy and good for charms. This was so neat! She had just found out that she wasn't a Muggle, like her dad had feared, but she was joining Hogwarts a bit late, as were all of the Americans. Alicia couldn't wait to get sorted. Her dad had been in Ravenclaw and she wanted to be as well. Her mom (a former Hufflepuff) had suggested that Alicia might be put in Gryffindor, which she wouldn't mind because from the crowd, it looked like there were some sorta cute guys from all the houses! There were two suspiciously large lumps that looked masculine though, and they were drooling in her direction rather disturbingly, so she shuffled behind one of her friends and scanned the crowd from a safe distance.
Alicia's friend Olivia shifted disgruntledly. She was itching to be sorted and was sick of being the center of attention in front of all these insufferably dull males. Why couldn't she just hex them from here to Pluto and get on with it? It wasn't like these spells were hard. Even though she was coming to Hogwarts late, her parents had made sure that she knew how to defend herself in any situation. Olivia was hoping to get put in either Ravenclaw or Slytherin. There was no way that she'd be in Hufflepuff, she knew that much. Gryffindor was a distinct possibility, but in all honesty she wasn't that brave. Hopefully the sorting hat would know better than she did. She sighed and went back to tapping her foot and scanning the crowd for a semi-decent guy. Her eyes landed on a cute redhead, but Mary Susan was eyeing him. Well, she could fix that easily. Olivia chuckled demonically and muttered a spell, and let a peal of triumphant laughter escape her lips as the back of Mary Susan's designer jeans split, exposing her sparkly blue thong to the world. Her motto: Don't get mad, get revenge.
Suddenly, the Mary Sues started moving and Maddy, Alicia, and Olivia were steered into the great hall to see the sorting hat. After the long, rhyming song that bored most of the Mary Sues, who had the attention span of goldfish and were now busy examining their perfectly manicured pink nails, names were called and they were sorted into houses. Not surprisingly, thirteen Mary Sues were put into Hufflepuff, and the other two stuck in Slytherin because there just weren't enough beds in the Hufflepuff dorms. The two other relatively intelligent chicas you'll meet later. Alicia, after cramming the hat on her head eagerly, was sent to Ravenclaw, raising a deafening cheer from the guys. She blushed and sat down at the end of the table, next to a tall African-American girl named Madison Johnson (Angelina's younger sister- a/n I'm making this up, so don't tell me that Angelina doesn't have a younger sister or something), who high-fived her and gave her introductions to the rest of the table. Olivia calmly walked up, sat on the stool, and cooly placed the hat on her head. After a minute or so, the hat bellowed "RAVENCLAW!" and a collected Olivia made her way over to the table (not without another deafening cheer) and squished in next to Alicia, who squealed and high fived her happily. Maddy stuck the hat on her head, making quite a comical picture, and immediately became a "GRYFFINDOR!", and she sat down happily next to baby-bird boy, who gave her a huggle admist huge cheers from some of Gryffindor's finer male specimens. The Mary Sues sighed contentedly (even the ones in Slytherin, because, well, they were Mary Sues and they were happy about everything) and made their way to their dormitories, happy to continue their adventures next chapter.
Next chapter: Possibly more of Harry battling with Voldie and more Mary Sue action, especially with Alicia, Olivia, and Maddy and maybe even the two other semi intelligent Mary Sues, who we have not met. *spooky music* Who will they be? What will be their cup size? Oh and sorry this chapter was sorta boring. I liked the beginning but the part describing us three lovely ladies wasn't funny at all. I'm sure I bored you off your chairs, right into your dumpster where you hid and didn't come out until Chapter five was posted.
Quote of the chapter: One day, I was walking down the road and I saw a snail. And I thought, I, too, am like that snail, building a protective shell around myself, except that my shell is made of tinfoil and duct tape.
Hehe!
Please review, even if it's to tell us that we suck monkey posterior and you're moving to Venus so you'll never have to deal with seeing our idiotic fics again! Love ya!
Alli and Olerve
When we last saw our hero, he had blasted off into the sky as
POTTER THE AVENGER!
Now we join him as he blasts off to battle the evil Lord Voldemort, whom he automatically knows the location of because he has EVIL DOER RADAR! *dramatic theme music* Sexy, ain't it? But anyway...
Harry landed in the seemingly deserted clearing, in the middle of a forest with abso-tively posi-lutely no help for many kilometers. As Harry cast furtive looks around, suddenly the evil Lord apparated in a large puff of magical pink smoke. One by one, his followers appeared, creating a circle around the two. Anyone could see that Voldemort wanted Harry dead. Harry, turning to the author, scoffed and said,
"How obvious is that?"
Then the author brandished a large, red hot branding iron with the words "KILLED OFF" at Harry, and he retreated cowardly.
The circle widened as more and more black-robed followers joined them. Harry's eyes grew large at the sight of them. He recognized half of the new followers, and silently counted them. It was true, then! Voldemort was returning to power, even more frightful than ever! Harry looked around the circle and gasped.
"George Bush? Auntie Ann, of the pretzel cart? MICHAEL JACKSON?? Noooooooo!" shrieked our poor hero upon seeing the Day-Glo white face of ol' Mikey. He knew that if Voldemort sent Michael against him, he would be forced to listen to the awful sounds that had gone platinum even more times than Michael's skincolor. Voldemort cackled evilly and waved his wand around lazily.
"And now, we shall duel," he whispered, his voice cutting through the clearing and radiating pain through Harry's scar. Both lifted their wands and...
%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-%-
(A/N: Oh, I'm evil aren't I? Well we have to save some for the next chapter!)
Back at the castle, Ron's chin was on the floor. Along with the chins of almost every male of the Hogwarts population (the exceptions being Crabbe + Goyle, who were too stupid to do anything but stand in one place and...look stupid) as a steady stream of gorgeous Americans paraded through the entrance doors and into the Great Hall. The Hogwarts girls were glaring threateningly, and as cliche as it is, if looks could kill there would be twenty American psuedo-supermodels buried somewhere near the grounds. Chattered bounced through the Great Hall, echoing off the walls and penetrating the ears of poor, normal Lavender, who was glaring with disgust at Mary Susan Smith, a bouncy redhead who was eyeing Ron eagerly.
"Like, ohmuhgawd. This place is SOOOO cool!" exclaimed Mary Stuart Baker, a petite, raven-haired beauty with the brain of a plastic Barbie doll.
"Ohmuhgawd I know! I mean, look at these awesome walls! They're like, stone! They have got to be like....old or something!" gushed Marysweet Mason, a tall blonde who had been a Victoria's Secret model at the age of twelve and was now a ravishing sixteen with a brain to match the size of her shirt (barely existent).
One of the five relatively intelligent (meaning they had a brain bigger than that of a piece of lettuce) additions to Hogwarts, Maddy Smythe scanned the Great Hall. Maddy was not quite a Mary Sue, but being an American transfer student she was lumped into the category immediately. Her intelligent gray (or were they blue? hazel? no one could ever tell) eyes looked over the gaggle of Hogwarts students standing in the entrance hall, and a giggle escaped her lips. The guys looked so dumb! A lot like her old school in Virginia. But there was one guy in the middle of the crowd who stood out. His eyes were what got her. That and his hair, but we'll get to that in a sec. His eyes looked oddly cartoonish, like Japanese Anime or something! And his black hair stuck out in odd, triangular tufts from his pale head, making him look like an odd baby bird that had been dropped out of the nest. His eyes caught hers and she smiled. She hoped she'd be in his house! Yey! She smiled and went back to making fun of the gawking males.
Another semi-intelligent girl, the blonde, blue eyed Alicia Johansenn looked up from her hands, where she had been studying her new wand. Eleven inch willow, swishy and good for charms. This was so neat! She had just found out that she wasn't a Muggle, like her dad had feared, but she was joining Hogwarts a bit late, as were all of the Americans. Alicia couldn't wait to get sorted. Her dad had been in Ravenclaw and she wanted to be as well. Her mom (a former Hufflepuff) had suggested that Alicia might be put in Gryffindor, which she wouldn't mind because from the crowd, it looked like there were some sorta cute guys from all the houses! There were two suspiciously large lumps that looked masculine though, and they were drooling in her direction rather disturbingly, so she shuffled behind one of her friends and scanned the crowd from a safe distance.
Alicia's friend Olivia shifted disgruntledly. She was itching to be sorted and was sick of being the center of attention in front of all these insufferably dull males. Why couldn't she just hex them from here to Pluto and get on with it? It wasn't like these spells were hard. Even though she was coming to Hogwarts late, her parents had made sure that she knew how to defend herself in any situation. Olivia was hoping to get put in either Ravenclaw or Slytherin. There was no way that she'd be in Hufflepuff, she knew that much. Gryffindor was a distinct possibility, but in all honesty she wasn't that brave. Hopefully the sorting hat would know better than she did. She sighed and went back to tapping her foot and scanning the crowd for a semi-decent guy. Her eyes landed on a cute redhead, but Mary Susan was eyeing him. Well, she could fix that easily. Olivia chuckled demonically and muttered a spell, and let a peal of triumphant laughter escape her lips as the back of Mary Susan's designer jeans split, exposing her sparkly blue thong to the world. Her motto: Don't get mad, get revenge.
Suddenly, the Mary Sues started moving and Maddy, Alicia, and Olivia were steered into the great hall to see the sorting hat. After the long, rhyming song that bored most of the Mary Sues, who had the attention span of goldfish and were now busy examining their perfectly manicured pink nails, names were called and they were sorted into houses. Not surprisingly, thirteen Mary Sues were put into Hufflepuff, and the other two stuck in Slytherin because there just weren't enough beds in the Hufflepuff dorms. The two other relatively intelligent chicas you'll meet later. Alicia, after cramming the hat on her head eagerly, was sent to Ravenclaw, raising a deafening cheer from the guys. She blushed and sat down at the end of the table, next to a tall African-American girl named Madison Johnson (Angelina's younger sister- a/n I'm making this up, so don't tell me that Angelina doesn't have a younger sister or something), who high-fived her and gave her introductions to the rest of the table. Olivia calmly walked up, sat on the stool, and cooly placed the hat on her head. After a minute or so, the hat bellowed "RAVENCLAW!" and a collected Olivia made her way over to the table (not without another deafening cheer) and squished in next to Alicia, who squealed and high fived her happily. Maddy stuck the hat on her head, making quite a comical picture, and immediately became a "GRYFFINDOR!", and she sat down happily next to baby-bird boy, who gave her a huggle admist huge cheers from some of Gryffindor's finer male specimens. The Mary Sues sighed contentedly (even the ones in Slytherin, because, well, they were Mary Sues and they were happy about everything) and made their way to their dormitories, happy to continue their adventures next chapter.
Next chapter: Possibly more of Harry battling with Voldie and more Mary Sue action, especially with Alicia, Olivia, and Maddy and maybe even the two other semi intelligent Mary Sues, who we have not met. *spooky music* Who will they be? What will be their cup size? Oh and sorry this chapter was sorta boring. I liked the beginning but the part describing us three lovely ladies wasn't funny at all. I'm sure I bored you off your chairs, right into your dumpster where you hid and didn't come out until Chapter five was posted.
Quote of the chapter: One day, I was walking down the road and I saw a snail. And I thought, I, too, am like that snail, building a protective shell around myself, except that my shell is made of tinfoil and duct tape.
Hehe!
Please review, even if it's to tell us that we suck monkey posterior and you're moving to Venus so you'll never have to deal with seeing our idiotic fics again! Love ya!
Alli and Olerve