Smile, It's your funeral!



The next morning, Vernon made an announcement that made Harrys' life, and chance of getting in contact with Abi even bleaker.

"I'll have to get those camp beds down from the loft." he said, spraying toast on his newspaper.

"Why? Is somebody coming to stay?" asked Harry.

Petunia eyed him coldly for breaking the first rule of living with the Dursleys:Don't ask questions.

"Some of Vernons family are coming to stay for Dudders' birthday."

Harrys' mouth went dry.

"Who...exactly...?" he asked, faintly.

"My brother Dermont, his wife and the kids, and Marge."said Uncle Vernon, his eyes not moving from "The Daily Times".

Dudley grinned at him nastily from across the table. Dermont had two children, twin boys of about Dudleys age and body structure, and last time they had visited, Harry had ended up with more bruises than skin. And then there was Marge...last time she had visited, Harry had gotten so angry that he had accidently made her swell up to ten times her size, however, thanks to several memory charms and a large pin, the Ministry had sorted it out and only Harry could remember what had happened.

That day, Petunia cleaned the house from top to toe, or rather Harry cleaned the house while Petunia pointed out the places he had missed. By evening, he was exhausted. He had scrubbed the kitchen floor untill his fingers were raw, polished all of Vernons silver golfing trophies, dusted the entire house, and even cut the grass on the front lawn.

Just as he was about to collapse on the sofa, uncle Vernon marched in.

"Right!" he said briskly. "I'm off to collect 'em. You know the score."

Harry groaned. All of Vernons' family believed that Harry attended St Brutus' School for Incurably Criminal Boys, and he wanted it kept that way!

"But-"

"If you want your bloody...broom back, you'll do as you're told!"He said, spitting out the word as if it offended his mouth.

Harry said nothing, and clenched his fists.

With a self satisfied smile, Vernon left for the train station.

* * *

He was back in a little over an hour, and Dudley and Petunia were at the door to greet them. Banned from his cupboard, Harry sulked moodily behind them, trying to remain inconspicuous. No such luck. Aunt Marge released Dudley from her crippling embrace and looked disaprovingly at Harry.

"I see he's still here." she growled, and then turned her back on him.

Just before the door shut, Harry, barely registering it, noticed Rons'owl Pig, hovering outside. A letter! If only he could get to it before Uncle Vernon found it!

Quickly, he slipped away and out of the back door. It lay on the front doorstep with "Harry" written on the front in Rons' familiar scrawl. He opened it.

"Hi Harry!" it read,

"I'm guessing the muggles are giving you a hard time again, and that's why you haven't replied to any of my owls. If you don't reply to this one, we'll come and pick you up the day before the end of term so-"

But before he could read on, Vernon, who had come up behind him, grabbed hold of the parchment and crumpled it up.

"I'm warning you." His voice was a dangerously low whisper.

"I'm warning you, any funny buisness and I'll make sure you never go back to that...place again!"

And with that, Harry was almost thrown inside.

* * *

That night, he decided that he simply had to contact Ron. With Hedwigs' cage in one hand, and a hastily written letter (which contained nothing reguarding Abi) in the other, he sneaked out of his cupboard. He did not count, however, apon Aunt Marge being asleep on the lving room sofa.

Harry swore under his breath, cursing himself for his stupidity, and started to head back to his cupboard. But he never quite got there. Instead he tripped over the corner of a rug, almost knocked over Petunias favourite floral decorated vase, and made Hedwig squawk like she'd never squawked before.

Harry froze. To his horror, he heard Marge sit up.

"Wassat?!" she exclaimed, half asleep, and then, more in character:

"Reveal yourself or feel my wrath!"

Harry rushed to the kitchen, abandoning all stealth and caution, and let himself out the back door.

Through the kitchen window, he saw Marge come into the room, and head for the door too. In a panic, Harry clambered on top of some bins, and pulled himself up a window ledge and then on to the roof.

Marge opened the door, looking about her.

"I'll get yer next time!" she shouted, and, when she was satisfied nobody was there, went back inside.

Harry breathed a sigh of relief. To his surprise, he found that the roof was quite comfortable and made an excellent sanctuary! Perhaps he could use it to his advantage...

He opened hedwigs' cage and tied the letter to her foot, and she flew off with a hoot of delight as she stretched her wings.

* * *

The next few days proved to be as awful as Harry feared.The twins, Dwaine and Damien, combined with Dudley, had made it their mission to make Harry as miserable as possible. They tripped him up everywhere he walked, played numerous pranks on him, and Dudley,encouraged by his cousins ,once again began using Harry as a punch bag, while the others held him down.

And then, The Birthday.

At half past seven, Petunia rapped on his door and shouted:

"Come on !Get up!"

Harry grimaced.This day would be even worse than the ones that had come before.

He pulled on a T-Shirt and a pair of Dudleys' old shorts, that could have been trousers on him, and headed through to the kitchen.

Petunia was laying the table with Shirley, Dermonts wife. Harry liked Shirley, as she seemed to be the only one who didn't reguard him as being a burden, however, as she had not yet learnt that Harry was not to be considered an equal, she often tried to include him in the things they were doing, which nearly always had awkward consequences.

"Morning Harry!" she said brightly. Harry gave her a weak smile and proceeded to lay out the cutlery in silence. Shirley gave up and started to chat to Petunia instead.

Harry payed no attention, untill he, quite by chance, heard the name "Rivers".

Trying to keep his face neutral, he pricked up his ears.

"...yes that dreadfull Rivers girl." Petunia was saying. "Dudley was adamant that he wanted her included at his birthday tea as well as her brother. I really don't want him getting mixed up with the wrong kind of people...but my Dudders can have just exactly what he likes on his birthday..."

Harry suppressed a gasp.If Abi was coming to Dudleys birthday she would see how he was treated! And...and if the subject of school was brought up..then she was sure to be pursuaded that he was some kind of juvenile delinquent!

"Yes well, I think it's right that the kids get to make their own choices."Shirley was saying.

"Perhaps." replied Aunt Petunia, "But I thought Dudley would choose a more suitable girlfriend-"

CRASH!

Harry stared dumbly at the broken china around him.

"Why you stupid worthless....!"A sharp cuff around the head from his aunt brought Harry back to his senses.

"Go on! Get out!"

* * *

At one O' clock, Dudleys friends started to arrive. First came Piers Polkiss, who Harry remembered all too well from his primary school. Then came a tall lanky boy that Harry hadn't seen before and Robert Rivers, Abis brother...but no Abi.

Forty seven presents and a considerable amount of chocolate biscuits later, there was still no sign of her. Petunias lips had almost disappeared, but Harry felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

After another half hour, they decided that they couldn't wait any more, and sat down to eat, Harry sitting at the furthest away corner. Just as he began to think he had been worrying for nothing, the doorbell rang.

Harry, his heart racing, tried to check his appearance in the glass in the window. A scrawny boy with untidy hair, glasses literally on their last legs, and a spot on his nose looked miserably back.

Smile Harry he thought It's your funeral.

Petunia returned quickly, Abi following close behind.

"Hi!" She said,laughing, "Sorry I'm late!"

Harry dared a look up, and she turned to look at him. Harrys' stomach felt like melting butter, and he hurriedly lowered his gaze and looked at his knees. His face was scarlet.

Petunias face was far from scarlet however, in fact, it had turned slightly white after seeing Abi and looked quite frightening in its' attempt at smiling. The result was a nasty, twitching snarl.

In Harrys opinion, she looked fabulous. Her short hair was pulled back into little sections with tiny silver star shaped clips, she was wearing a long red skirt with Doctor Martin boots and a black T-shirt, and she wore bracelets that looked like they were made of safetypins halfway up her left arm.

She didn't seem to notice Petunias or Harrys reactions to her outfit, however,and dutifully turned her attentions on Dudley.

"Happy Birthday Duds!" said, enthusiastically, handing him a card.Dudley gave her a simpering smile and opened it.

"I made it myself." she said, but Dudley was too busy looking for the money inside the envelope. Instead, he pulled out two book tokens. His face dropped.

"Thanks." he said, a little disgruntled sounding. Harry was impressed. A mistake like that would have cost anybody else both their eardrums...but of course if they were an item...he stopped. The thought made him want to kick something really hard.

Without being asked, Abi had sat down in the only available chair left; between Dermont, and Damien, and opposite Dudley. Petunia looked at her coldly.

"This is my husband Vernon, "she said, briskly, beginning to go around the table, "his brother Dermont, Dermonts wife Shirley, their sons, Damien and Dwaine,and his Aunt Marge."

"And Harry." finished Abi. There was an awkward silence. Harry looked at his knees and began to count the bruises. He had got to nine by the time Petunia said:

"Yes, and Harry."

It took a while for the conversation to pick up again, but soon, everybody, with the exception of Harry, who was staring sullenly at his plate, unable to eat anything, was talking and in high spirits.

It had to happen of course. It was unavoidable. Eventually, the attention turned to Harry.

It began, with the topic of schools.

"Dudley attends one of the top schools in Britain." Aunt Petunia told her sister in law, smugly.

"Thats right!" exclaimed Marge, waving a glass of sherry. "Smeltings! Best in the country! Just like his Dad!"

"Does Harry go there too?" asked Shirley, desparate to get him included somehow.

Petunia shook her head rather vigorously, and thrust a plate of sausage rolls towards her.

"Not him!" exclaimed Marge. Petunia looked at her warningly, and for the first time, Harry wondered if perhaps she loathed Marges' easily loosened tongue as much as he did."

"Not him! Smeltings is a damn site too good for him! "

"Oh." said Shirley, taken aback. But this time, she was determined that Harry should speak.

" Erm...where do you go to school, Harry?"

Harry froze. Firebolts don't come cheap you know. He thought, wont't work so good once it becomes charcoal. But his resolve was weakening. Think of the slytherins! It saved your life against that Horntail!You can't...

" I go to Hog-"

"Harry attends St Brutus' School for criminally incurable boys."Interupted Vernon. His voice showed no sign, but his eyes, boring into Harrys, were eloquence enough. He had better watch out or his Firebolt would be firewood.

The whole family and the guests were looking now. Abis' face showed shock and confusion. Dudley was enjoying every minute.

"And St Brutus' is too good for him an' all!" said Marge, spilling sherry on the table.

Harry was looking at his knees again.

Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen...

"Just like his father."

Twenty three, twenty four...

" A low life good for nothing scoundrel he was! It was a shame young Lilly got mixed up with him...although some might say-no offence to you, Petunia- that she was just as bad!"

Twenty seven, twenty eight...

" That James Potter though-nothing but a filthy,stupid, coward!"

SMASH!

Almost instantaniously, a trifle, that was sitting on top of the fridge above Marges head in an enormous glass bowl fell to the ground, and shattered into a million pieces. There was cream and fruit everywhere, iced with shards of glass.

Before anybody could do anything, Vernon had Harry by the scruff of the neck and was dragging him through to his cupboard. When they got into the hall, he raised him off the floor and hit him hard on the side of the face, then he flung him into his cupboard and shut the door.

Harry felt the side of his face, in shock. Vernon may have always been nasty, but he had never been so violent before. He would have a black eye the next day.

He heard him rejoin the group in kitchen.

"Could sense he had one of his fits coming on." He heard him say.

"Not right in the head....thought it best to put him to his cupbo...erm...room."

He cringed. Abi would never go near him now.

He had never felt so alone in his life.

* * *

When he heard the conversation start up again, he picked the lock of his cupboard and quietly let himself out. He needed to get outside, to think.

Once outside, he began to think rationally again. He took deep gulps of air and almost began to feel a little better. He'd be back at Hogwarts soon, just another month or so...

"Hi Harry."

Abi was leaning against the gate..

"Are you allright?" She was being patronising, he knew it. She felt sorry for him.

"I'm fine." he tried to walk past her, but she followed him. He felt his anger welling up.

"What did-"

"Nothing!"

"But-"

"Just go! I'm an incurable criminal remember...just leave me to be like my good-for-nothing father and...and...attack old ladies!"

To his annoyance, Abi giggled.

"Just go!" he said, and stalked past her. He was glad, however, when she caught him up, because he had no idea where he could have gone.

"Sorry." she said. "And...it wasn't right what they said about your mum and dad."

Harry nodded greatfully.

"Your parents...where are they?"

"They're dead"

"Oh...I'm sorry. I just can't say the right thing, can I?"

Harry smiled.

"It's ok."

They were close now.

"I...I better go. They think I'm at the bathroom." she said,laughing and stepping backwards.

Harry nodded again.

"Me too. I'm about to take 'one of my fits' "

She smiled and turned to go, and then she turned around.

"Can I see you again?"

Harry grinned.

"Meet you here at midnight."

Abi grinned too, showiing that she was up for it.

"Allright." she said, "See you then."

Once she was out of sight, he started to dance around the garden,waving his arms, only to find Shirley, looking at him through the window with an almost comical expression of sadness and sympathy on her face.