~I remember…~

I saw them together again today. I don't think they noticed, and I certainly hope that they didn't, it certainly wasn't a meeting that I would have wanted anyone to witness if I was in their place, especially not myself.

She gave up her immortality for him today. Gave him her Evenstar. The ultimate sacrifice of love. Elrond'll probably kill her when he finds out, but for now the two of them can lose themselves in their dreams of being together forever and I can lose myself in my dreams of being without him forever.

He looks so happy when he's with her, and I don't want to take that happiness away from him, but I still can't help being jealous. He chose her over me, and despite what I tell myself, it hurt and still does. It's a gnawing, soul-deep hurt and makes me angry at myself for wanting to be with him so badly, when I know that I never can.

Even my happy memories of him are tainted now. I remember when he said that he loved me, and always would, but then, like that memory has set off a chain reaction, I remember him saying that he didn't think we were working out, that we weren't really meant to be together after all. I remember him telling me that he'd fallen in love, and that he hoped we could still be friends. I remember seeing them kiss, seeing them walking hand in hand through the gardens of Rivendell, and I remember today, seeing Arwen give him her Evenstar, give him the gift of her immortality.

I remember a sunrise when I lay wrapped tightly around him, naked for all the world to see if they happened upon us, and I remember wishing that they would because then they would know how much I loved him. I wonder if that's the way that Arwen feels when she is with him, if she feels the same strength of love for my beautiful Ranger that I did, and still do.

I don't remember walking hand in hand with him through a garden and I don't remember kissing him in the middle of a crowded room. I don't remember letting many people know that we were together and I don't remember being openly affectionate in public. But most of all I don't remember when things began to go wrong.

I don't remember heated arguments, I don't remember raised voices. I don't remember him watching Arwen when he should have been watching me. I don't remember feeling as if things between us were doomed to fail.

But I remember my heart breaking.

I remember my father telling me that Elves can die of a broken heart, and that I should be careful who I gave mine to, lest they throw it back in my face. And now I wonder if perhaps it isn't true, that I might die of a broken heart, and I can't help but wish that it is, because I don't want to have to live without him.

But I can't die, because if I do I'll lose him, and as hard as it is to live knowing that he does not love me, it would be harder still to never be able to see him again.

I can always dream of a reunion in which he begs for my forgiveness and tells me that I am the only one he loves. And while that dream may not come to pass, I can still cherish every moment that I spend with him and do what I can to keep him safe and happy for as long as I can, whether that means giving myself over to him completely, or watching as he marries the Lady Arwen and they have a hundred children.

I still love him, and I know that some part of him still loves me as well.

~fin~