Voyager: When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack

Chapter Two (Not to be confused with 1)

Seven of Nine felt short.

The Captain had ordered her to work with Lieutenant Torres in fixing the malfunctions that would no doubt be occurring with alarming frequency. This was to be expected. What was unusual was Torres's insistence that changing clothes would increase their efficiency.

The Borg wrinkled her nose. Sneakers were certainly much easier to walk in. As for this interesting garment known as a 'sweatsuit,' it was undeniably much simpler to move in. Quite liberating, really. But the ponytail was hurting her head.

Meanwhile, Torres was skipping merrily through the halls, enjoying the sound of necks cracking from whiplash as they turned. Her newly replicated black miniskirt and burgundy halter top matched beautifully with her combat boots. Engineering had never been more fun.

Paris was trailing behind quietly, his eyes firmly trained on B'Elanna's rear end.

Q wiggled a finger at Janeway. It was fun.

Meanwhile, Neelix was having a few problems of his own. A large Terran animal that the computer had readily identified as a cow was depositing some sort of flammable matter into his stove.

"Hello!" said Q. "Meet Maggie!"

Neelix pondered this. "Didn't Harry Kim have a girlfriend named Maggie?"

Q nodded patiently. "So I thought you might like to meet Maggie."

"Oh," said Neelix, and rifled through a cookbook. If it can catch on fire, it can be cooked…

B'Elanna and her entourage entered the holodeck and fixed their eyes on a trio of drunks.

"Oh, Sandrine…" came Chakotay's voice from somewhere under the bar. B'Elanna might have commented on this, but she was trying to fix a faulty holoemitter and kick Gaunt Gary in the balls at the same time. Seven took notes.

"Tello, Hom," Harry said, sloshing his shot glass around. He was having difficulty forming his thoughts; Tuvok was singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" too loudly.

Tom sniffed the air. Definitely not synthehol. "Uh, Harry? I've taken the drinking route. I really wouldn't recommend it."

"Tokay, Hom," Harry hiccupped.

Tom frowned and jerked a thumb at Tuvok. "What happened to him?"

Kim squeezed his eyes shut painfully, and downed his glass. "Q tried to mate with him," he whispered before collapsing on the bar in tears.

Tuvok started in on a Klingon drinking song, the thumps behind the bar beating perfect time.

"Uh, bye, Harry," Tom said hastily, his eyes automatically going to Torres, who was leaving the holodeck, her butt swaying in a hypnotizing manner. Must… stalk… B'Elanna…

He hurried after her.

"How do you spell 'hormones'?" asked Seven.

Harry eyed Seven with a suggestive air. "Wouldn't mind dockin' my shuttlecraft with you…" he slurred.

Seven regarded him oddly. "Is that a duty assignment?" she asked.

Back on the bridge, Janeway wondered where Q had disappeared to this time. The computer had told her that Q was on the bridge, but when she had arrived, he had disappeared. "Computer, locate Q," she said.

"Q is in Ensign Wildman's quarters," the computer replied, and Janeway blanched.

"Wildman to Janeway." The young woman's voice was confused.

"Ensign, if an odd man appears in a red robe, do NOT touch his finger! PLEASE."

"Then what should I do?"

"Run. As fast as you can."

"What if Naomi is wearing his robe?"

Janeway took a deep breath and covered her communicator. "ALIEN MONGOOSE!" she screamed as loud as she could. "Look, general, I'm a lion! Moo! Moo! MOO!"

Feeling better almost immediately, she tapped her commbadge. "Just… don't touch him," she said calmly, and cursed the replicator that had doomed her to decaf.

"Sticks and stones can break my bones, and so can an eighty pound carrot!" Tuvok chanted, and walked into the force field that the Doctor had constructed to contain the three drunks.

Chakotay stared at Harry, and then said, "You! You think you're better than me?" He took a swing at Harry, and missed. Badly.

"All the guys drop their pants!" Harry yelled. When the other two went to comply, he covered his eyes and screamed, "No! Put them back!!" He ran to escape Sickbay, hit the force field, and promptly collapsed, where he let out a large snore and started talking about the Romulans who were trying to take his better half.

Tom dragged his feet as he entered Sickbay. "Doc!" he whined uninhibitedly. "You told me to follow B'Elanna all day! Why did you comm me?"

The Doctor sighed and tossed the young man a hypospray. "Detox."

"The hedgehog can't be buggered at all!" sang the trio in harmony, although not harmoniously.

"What I wouldn't give for 'The Wring Cycle,'" the Doctor muttered. "Mr. Paris, if you would- whoa, wait. Where did he go?"

Tom had joined the trio in the drunk tank, and a rousing chorus of the "Irish Drinking Song" filled Sickbay.

"Tom! Did you get into the emergency medicinal related alcohol supply again?" he groaned, and when an empty plastic jug hit his simulated forehead, he had received his answer. "Okay, okay. I guess you won't get to STALK B'ELANNA!" he tossed over his shoulder, prepping another detox hypo.

"B'Elanna? Where?!" Tom demanded, launching himself at the Doctor.

"Exactly as I suspected. Of course, I never suspected that a Vulcan could actually get intoxicated," he mused, and proceeded to ramble about things that had absolutely no relevance to a dried-out, Klingon-obsessed (or half-Klingon, to be politically correct) male anxious to stalk his favorite crew member.

Tom's face fell. First he gets dragged out of a happy jam session before he could even get to the Philosopher's Drinking Song, and now all mention of B'Elanna had ceased. This really was not fair.

Q appeared with a broken nose. "Torres won't mate with me," he said plaintively. Tom said nothing, because he was rooting around Sickbay for something deadly. An automatic weapon, for example.

Q rolled his eyes. "Tommy, you're a great guy, but you're getting in my way."


Tom found himself in a sealed-off Jeffries tube. Alone. Which was good, because he hadn't found that mouse yet.

But, on the downside, there was no weapons locker here, either.

All of a sudden, the Doctor appeared in the Jeffries tube as well. "I didn't think that Q was desperate enough to try and transform the gender of a male," he said. "A hologram, no less…"

The three drunks also popped into existence, and Tom found himself sweating profusely. "It's getting rather crowded in here," he commented.

Suddenly, B'Elanna popped onto his lap. "I stand corrected," he said, and B'Elanna wondered if it was physically possible to fit this many people into a Jeffries tube.

Then the puppy appeared.

Neelix sniffed the air appreciatively, and consulted his cookbook. "What motivates an onion?"

B'Elanna worked furiously at the hatch, trying to ignore the fact that, due to the sardine situation, she couldn't get out of Tom's lap. An hour later, she banged her head against the door.

It opened.

She slipped through with a speed to put tachyons to shame; in an automatic reaction, Tom launched himself after her.

The hatch then closed.

"Oh, God," B'Elanna said.

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Being part the second to this weeeeeeeeeeeeeeird series… REVIEW!! REVIEW OR WE WILL EXPLODE!!