When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack!
"My FOUR calling birds can beat up your three French Hens!"
Something small and gooey landed on Vorik's head. He heard a screech from above, and the startled cries of other crewmembers. "Computer, identify unidentified creature in Engineering."
"A Terran bird known as 'seagull'," the computer replied. "They are scavengers, and release white fecal masses while in flight."
Vorik was faced with the difficult choice of finishing his duty shift or taking a sonic shower.
Tuvok screamed. "Captain! Don't… move…"
"What? What?" The captain's voice rose in fear as she clutched fruitlessly at her blindfold.
"There's a barbershop quartet of ducks RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!" He screamed again and fainted.
"Really?" said Harry, squinting. "There's a trio of French hens over here." He cocked his head to one side. "One of them has stolen my clarinet."
"His ducks are better than your French hens!" Q stated, wondering how quickly he could start a fight between everyone.
"Yeah!" said Tuvok, without waking up.
"Yeah?" said Chakotay, getting into the spirit of things. "Well, I've got a partridge in a pear tree that could kick both their asses!"
"Well, if I combined my ducks with two turtle doves, they'll kick YOUR asses!" Tuvok yelled.
Everyone was shocked at this, because Tuvok NEVER cursed, not even when Neelix had burned his Kal-toh set because he had run out of spaghetti noodles. The other amazing part of it was that he had managed to yell all this while still sleeping.
"MY ONIONS RULE OVER ALL!" Neelix yelled, because he could.
A mass of drummers apparently suffering seizures over their cymbals popped into existence.
"Did that help?" Q inquired.
Janeway, as the competent, aware Super Female Captain, did not like the fact that she was rapidly losing control. "Officers-"
"CAPTAIN! A flock of swans just landed on your head!" Harry lunged forward and belly-flopped onto Tuvok, rousing the Vulcan; both immediately started singing a medley of Shirley Temple tunes.
On the other side of the hatch, Torres and Paris ceased their sexual-tension-induced squabbles to blink at each other. What the heck was going on over there?
"MY NINE MAIDS ARE BETTER THAN YOUR STINKIN' LEAPING LORDS ANY DAY!"
"CAPTAIN! DON'T TOUCH MY PEAR TREE!"
"Squawk!" said the seagull to Vorik.
Meanwhile, Neelix was attempting to phaser the cow.
"Hey," said the Doctor, "where'd you get the phaser?"
Neelix shrugged. "Lieutenant Brannock dropped it," he said, and nodded his head toward a corner where a young officer was taking advantage of the situation by making out in a corner with a young brunette ensign.
The Doctor stared. "Why don't you PHASER US OUT OF HERE?!" he shrieked, his hands working on agitation.
"It doesn't work. See?" Neelix pointed the weapon at Harry and fired.
…
"Oops."
"Please tell me that was on stun," Janeway said worriedly.
"We are the Borg. Your individuality will be added to our collective."
"I think it was on 'assimilate'," Neelix replied thoughtfully.
"Q, GET THE BORG OUT OF HERE!"
In a different corner, Seven was attempting to have a logical argument as to why five golden rings did not make an acceptable opponent for a group of drunken Klingons. Her experiment was hindered by the fact that the Klingons were all distracted by the seven maids cat fighting over who got to milk the cow.
Q was pleased. He was finally having fun.
The ship was on skeleton crew; except for those few lucky ones still working, everyone was crammed into a Jeffries Tube. B'Elanna and Tom were the only ones with a tube to themselves. Unfortunately, B'Elanna was too concerned with keeping herself decent to appreciate the relative quiet.
"You know," Tom said absently. "I had a dream that I dated my ninth-grade English teacher…"
"Really," B'Elanna grunted, trying to unscrew the bolts in the Jeffries tube hatch with her fingernails.
"Yeah, it was great. But then she started saying that everything was irrelevant and got turned into a Borg chicken."
"Paris, have you ever considered seeking counseling for your maladjusted tendencies toward bursts of pointless randimosity?" she asked.
Tom cocked his head to one side. "No, but I do receive therapy of a sort." He stared rapturously at her butt.
"Tom, your eyes are staring. Stop them before I stab you with a …" B'Elanna looked around and discovered her weapon jammed into a crack in the wall, "a Q-tip!"
Tom clasped her hands in front of him. "With a face like this?"
B'Elanna sighed and put the Q-tip down. "Fight fair, Tom."
Janeway blinked. "Does anyone feel a draft?"
"Oh, Kahless!"
Q grinned happily. Rendering every single person naked save their underwear had been his best trick yet.
B'Elanna retreated behind her line. Don't look don't look don't- You looked! LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY!
Tom frowned. "If I can't look at your butt, you shouldn't be allowed to look at mine."
"On Betazed, they have Naked Day," the Doctor offered.
"Very comforting," said Vorik dryly, waving away the seagull.
"This is rather refreshing!" Neelix said brightly.
"Wait." Janeway grabbed blindly and caught the edge of the Doctor's jacket. "Everyone's naked?"
"Yes!"
Janeway screeched and ran blindly down the tube, tripped, and landed in Chakotay's lap.
Harry sat up with a jolt just long enough to screech, "Get the jackets back on the hens!" before collapsing again.
Seven frowned at her sketch of a chicken. "How can you tell it is French?"
"Harry, you certainly have a beautiful mind!" Tuvok said.
Harry shot upright again. "I AM NOT A SOLDIER! I AM A MISCELLANEOUS WEREWOLF CLONE WHO EATS SMALL RABID SQUIRRELS!"
"Of course you are," the Doctor said in as soothing a voice as he could muster, thanking all the deities his database could identify that as a hologram his uniform was integrated into his program.
In the corner, Lieutenant Brannock was having a lot of fun.
"Hello," said Crewman Tabor, landing on a chicken, and went to help Seven with her sketch.
Janeway, on the other hand, was busily trying to get out of Chakotay's grasp, but he was too drunk to realize this.
"TOM! YOUR HORMONES ARE RAGING AGAIN! STOP THEM!" B'Elanna screamed.
The young man looked around nonchalantly. "My hormones are not raging. They are very civilly asking your hormones to dance." He paused before the punch line. "They seem to be accepting."
Torres let out a low growl.
Tom grinned cheekily. "You're pretty when you're mad!"
"Why, you…" B'Elanna trailed off. She was running out of energy, and anyway, she kept getting distracted by the chickens in the tube next to them. Also, Tom was hot.
Would now be a bad time to mention that the rest of the crew was naked as well, and working near exposed bio-neural gel packs was not a smart thing to do while naked?
Janeway touched the tip of her nose. It was sticky. Hmmm.
Then Q snapped his fingers and Icheb appeared.
"Who's he?" said Seven, glancing up.
Q snapped his fingers again and Icheb popped out of existence again; the omniscient being had briefly forgotten that Icheb didn't exist yet.
Tabor pursed his lips in concentration. "More feathers about the tail," he said.
Meanwhile, intriguing ideas were brewing about in Tuvok's brain. "If walls have ears, then what do the floors and ceilings have?"
Brannock and the brunette paused long enough to say, "Steel-plated bulkheads!"
"Hmm…" said Q, and pondered this for a moment before he settled on adorning the walls with ears, the ceiling with a tasteful bowler hat, and wondered what size shoes the Voyager would wear.
"Hey!" said Harry. "I had a Mr. Potato Head when I was little, too."
The Doctor thought it was high time someone formulated a plan to get everyone of there. Drawing on his endless knowledge of world history, he devised the location of the Mr. Potato head back hatch and escaped out of it.
B'Elanna shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Tom was still being handsome at her, and he WOULDN'T STOP.
"I wish, I wish, I was a fish," Tuvok sang. The trio had exhausted their collective repertoire, and he was getting very lonely singing by himself.
"Where did the Doctor go?" Seven asked, looking up from her chicken drawing. "It got quieter in here without him."
"Q!" Janeway yelled. "If there's a way out of here, then I want to know about it! AND GET THIS DAMNED BLINDFOLD OFF ME!!'
"It's irremovable. I can't," Q said pleasantly, conjuring up a cup of tea and some biscuits.
"How long have we been in this tube?" B'Elanna called from the next tube. "Tom's eyes are still being very blue at me and he refuses to make them stop!"
"We have been in this tube approximately ten hours, two minutes, and seventy-eight seconds. This message can be repeated in French, Klingon, or Vulcan. Pick one."
"How many people are over there?"
Seven took a quick headcount. "Sixty-seven. And that's with the Captain racing back and forth screaming, 'I AM A MOOSE!' at the top of her lungs.
"Really." B'Elanna's voice sounded surprised. "I hadn't heard that yet."
"Really? What have you heard?"
"A cow, chickens, Lt. Brannock, Tuvok…"
"Yes?" said Brannock, glancing up from his ensign.
"Hey, Tom?" said Neelix. "What motivates an onion?"
"B'Elanna!" said Tom adoringly, and closed his eyes reverently.
"Wait, what?" hiccupped Chakotay, pausing in his imitations of a bull moose.
"TOM! GET YOUR HAND OFF MY LINE!" B'Elanna screamed.
"Eek! Sorry, sorry!"
"Line?" said Chakotay, glaring with red-rimmed eyes at the hatch.
Seven blinked. "What does a moose look like?"
_____________________________________________________________________________________
So… Yeah… The English teacher thing was spawned from Mr. Knox (our English teacher) saying, "Irrelevant."
Moving right along. MY CALLING BIRDS CAN BEAT UP YOUR FRENCH HENS!