When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack!
"The Chapter Title is Irrelevant. The Number 5 is Irrelevant. You are Irrelevant. This is ALL Irrelevant, But They Insist On Writing It Anyway."
"There is no moose," Chakotay insisted.
Seven looked up from her sketchpad. "Does anyone have any colored pencils?" she asked.
"There is too a moose," Q said, and went to snap his fingers. Ensign Greta Kale popped into existence, and landed on Q's hand, breaking his snapping fingers.
"Ow," she said. "That hurt my butt."
Q stared at her. "You broke my fingers, and you're worried about your BUTT?!" he exclaimed.
She stared right back at him, and then looked around. "Why are we inside a giant Mr. Potato Head?" she asked, and then promptly discovered the rear hatch, and left.
Q wondered briefly why none of the others were able to figure out a method of escape, then dismissed the thought, producing a deck of cards instead.
"Q, if you suggest strip poker, I'm going to kill you. Do you understand me? I. Will. Kill. You." Janeway heard the shuffling of cards over the chaos in the Jeffries tube.
"Q," said the Doctor patiently, over the comm system, his medical subroutines kicking in automatically. "Why don't you just snap with your other hand and fix yourself?"
On the other side of the hatch, Tom grinned maniacally.
"I mean fix your fingers, not neuter yourself."
On the other side of the hatch, Tom's face fell.
Meanwhile, back in Engineering, the warp core was getting very lonely because all the remaining crew had decided to take their lunch breaks all at once. "B'Elanna!" it cried sadly, and immediately got a headache from the power of Tom's MY B'ELANNA! rays.
The seagull landed on it and squawked loudly.
"Mr. Seagull, can you realign my dilithium matrix?"
It squawked again.
"I see."
"OH! I WISH I WERE AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER! AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER'S WHAT I'D BE! CAUSE IF I WAS AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER, THEN EVERYBODY'D BE IN LOVE WITH ME!" At this point, drawing on his endless supply of pointless jingles, Tom was teaching the group of drunken Klingons the Oscar Meyer Weiner song from the other tube because B'Elanna was ignoring him completely. Again.
B'Elanna was curled in the corner, trying not to look at Tom, who was STILL being hot. Luckily she was being effectively distracted by the Klingons singing, as they seemed to think that the song would impress the maids-a-milking.
"C'mon, B'Elanna!" Tom encouraged, "join in! Even Tuvok's singing!" He leaned toward the hatch. "And I think I can hear a pair of breeding moose-mooses-yeah. Mooses."
"Tom, you're being cute at me in an amusing sort of way," she whined.
The Doctor stared at his computer screen in Sickbay. "C'mon," he urged.
"I'll take an A," the guy said.
Wheel of Fortune. This was the life. And now that the rest of the crew was trapped in a Jeffries tube, no one could harass him about his game show addiction.
And then the picture faltered and turned into "white snow." He looked out the window- a satellite dish was whipping merrily away. "Q!!!!" He dropped to his knees in agony. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Come back, Vanna! COME BACK!!!"
B'Elanna blinked. "Did you hear someone yell 'Lanna'?"
Tom was immediately on the alert. "No, I did not," he said suspiciously, crouching into a fighting pose. No one yelled B'Elanna's name without his expressed permission.
"Meow."
A cute little kitty landed with a thud on Tuvok's head.
He didn't think it was so cute when it began kneading its claws into his head.
"Mr. Kitty-" Neelix began, but Q interrupted him.
"It's a girl."
"Miss Kitty," Neelix corrected himself. "What motivates an onion?"
The kitty hacked up something on his foot.
"A hairball. Interesting."
"There is a peculiar white substance falling from the ceiling," Seven felt the need to point out. "Why?"
"It wanted to tell me what it thought of my onions," said Neelix decidedly.
"Oh," said Seven. "Crewman Tabor, would you please pass the indigo?"
Janeway and Chakotay made very good…
"Mooses?" suggested Tom.
Thank you, Tom. Yes. They made good mooses.
B'Elanna cried. His cuteness… it's too much.
"Mooses?"
"AHH!!"
Since the Doctor satellite dish had flown away, he had no choice but to resort to basic cable.
The horror. The indescribable horror!!
Back on the bridge, they were being attacked by fleets of flying pigs, but that was besides the point. Above and below the point, Borg ducks were assimilating chickens.
Vorik left.
"Why did he do that?" Neelix asked sadly. "He never told me what motivated an onion."
"I think the Borg ballet frightened him," said Lieutenant Carey tiredly, nodding his head toward the corps of mechanical dancers in the background. Oh, the horrors when an Irishman is the most sane man in the room…
"Carey," Harry said, "we need to get some beer in you!"
Q snapped his newly mended fingers (he had taken the Doctor's suggestion, but it had taken him a while to learn how to snap with his other hand) and produced a guy named Ray, armed with lots and lots of beer. "Dos… Equis…" he sang, as the others stared at him in confusion, except Janeway, because she was still in possession of Q's irremovable blindfold.
Tuvok immediately grabbed Ray by his shirt collar. "GIVE ME THE MEXICAN BEER!"
Suddenly, a kid dressed as "RANDY QUICK! VOLUNTEER FIREMAN!" appeared, kissed a Klingon soundly, and hacked his way out of the Mr. Potato Head.
Nobody noticed except Lt. Carey, but then, nobody noticed him either.
B'Elanna might have noticed, but she was not in that tube. She would have noticed, because she was desperate to notice everything under the… lack of sun besides Tom, who had discovered a new weapon.
"Mooses!"
"Ahh!"
"MOOSES!"
"AHHHH!"
"MOOSES!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Tom's boxers had mooses on them.