Author's Note: Just a random thing I did a while back for English class. I just ran into it again recently, so I decided to share it with the world. You poor bastards :P Based on the short story The Metamorphosis my Franz Kafka. It's supposed to be this obituary-type thing. Short and crazy.
On January 12, 1965, 26 year old Gregor Williams Samsa died of Turnedintoabugitis, a rare condition that takes the life of nearly 1 American a year. That's more deaths than RunoverbytheOscarMeyerwienermobileitis and ImpaledbyagiantflyingChalupa syndrome combined! Clearly a serious health concern, this deadly and mysterious disease currently has no known cure, although highly capable government agencies such as FEMA and Burger King are currently working overtime to develop one.
So, what can you do to tell if you or a family member has this awful disease? According to Mrs. Samsa, the mother of the late Gregor Samsa, the first and foremost indication of Turnedintoabugitis is "an overnight change from a roughly humanoid shape to that of a gigantic beetle-like creature bent on devouring any nearby office clerks. Oh, and a mild rash just below the back of the neck." This is by no measure a sure-fire method of diagnosing Turnedintoabugitis, and should not to be confused with the symptoms of Justreallyugly disease. However, if you do wake up one morning and find yourself transformed into a giant bug, seek professional assistance immediately.
Unfortunately for Gregor, his family failed to do this. "We thought we could handle it ourselves," said Mr. Samsa. "It's not as if he had the flu or anything. He was, in actuality, a rather healthy giant bug. The only thing wrong with him was that he looked like a big beetle, and I'd never heard of anyone dying just because they had turned into an insect. Anyway, with our financial situation the way that it was, I knew we couldn't afford a doctor. Don't get me wrong, we tried everything a doctor of the highest caliber would have done. In fact, if I may say so, I believe we did much more and went much futher to try and cure Gregor." Indeed, the Samsa family appeared to have done as much as they possibly could for Gregor. From the time-tested 'Lock him in a room for months on end and ignore him' method to the controversial yet effective 'Beat him repeatedly with a large stick' tactic, they seemed to have tried every trick in the book short of the risky and dangerous 'Go for the doctor' maneuver. When asked with what method he had the most success with, Mr. Samsa merely replied, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." He did not elaborate further.