Kamorgana- glad you like it so far, I've gone back and amended the sake bit for any/all interested parties

Chibi Assassin- Yes, deciding to kill himself was a little abrupt and probably something that a sober, right-minded Okita would never consider, but people do odd things when they're drunk.

Devil- Of course I stop at the good part! Mwahahah…erg, sore throat!

Phoe-chan- As before, amended the sake bit. And as for Okita's attitude, I think it's the shock factor. It (as well as drinking) does funny things to people. I don't think I'll make this yaoi, I just don't see Okita and Saitou like that.

I would like to thank all my reviewers! *smiles*

The knife left my hand so quickly that for a moment I simply stared at my empty hand. Then the realization of what I had almost been stupid enough to do hit me.

"The Okita Soushi I know wouldn't even think of doing something so hopeless," Saitou-san said in a perfectly even voice. For whatever reason I would have preferred it if he yelled. It wouldn't have been as frightening.

I tried to look him in the eyes, but I couldn't. I hadn't started drinking with this sort of end in mind, but the thought that had started far in the back of my mind had come forward when I was not thinking clearly. I felt my face burning from shame as he continued speaking.

"What kind of example is that? You're the leader of the first squad of the Shinsengumi. You're no longer your own man, Okita-san. You gave that up the day you put on your uniform. You can't take your life, it would be irresponsible and disgraceful to do so now," he continued, voice still even. "And it would be despairing. I thought you never despaired."

I couldn't answer. My superior swordsmanship had made me confident that I could live and die if necessary, by the sword. If an opponent more skilled then I were to kill me, I would understand. Obviously then I had made some mistake in my technique, or misjudged my opponent, something I had not done in a very long time. But now I was faced with an enemy I could not defeat. What was the option then? "Saitou-san?"

"Hai?"

"What do I do when I face an enemy I cannot defeat?"

I saw the concern in his eyes for a brief moment. It was odd, the things I noticed when I was drunk, things that the next day I wasn't certain I saw. "Leaving the field is not an option," he said firmly. "If there is one thing our enemies might rightly fault us for, it would be that we do not know the meaning of 'quit'. We do not retreat and we do not surrender, not in our open battles and not in our personal ones."

For a second I wondered if he'd guessed and when I saw he had not, I wished I could tell him, but I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't so far gone that I couldn't lift my sword- when that day came, I would tell him. The thought brought a tiny smile to my lips. Everyone would know by then. I saw he was waiting for me to confirm I had heard him. "Hai, Saitou-san," I said at last and managed a smile "Arigato."

"Is there any sake left?" Saitou-san asked looking at the jug.

I frowned. "I thought you said it was too late?"

"If it's good, it won't be."

"It was a going-away present. I think it's fine," I said, indicating that he could help himself. We drank in silence- except for another fit of coughing. I cleared my sore throat painfully. I needed to get some more of the herbal tea I had been taking. It took off the worst of the cough and seemed to help me stay on my feet. The doctor had approved it and recommended a stronger blend. He had also told me to cut back on the sake. "You can have the rest," I said. "I think I need to sleep now."

Saitou-san nodded. "Do you think you'll be ready for tomorrow night?"

"Tomorrow night?"

"If you hadn't been trying to drink yourself into unconsciousness, you would have remembered I told you that Captain Kondou and Vice Captain Hijikata wanted to see all the squad leaders about an attack on a suspected nest of Ishin Shishi."

My eyes widened in dismay. "I forgot!"

"I came in to remind you but you appeared to be asleep."

My ears burned slightly. "Sumanai."

"I thought I should let you sleep," Saitou-san continued. "Then I came back again to tell you and I found you drunk. You haven't been having a very good day, have you, Okita-san?"

"No," I said quietly. "Will you tell me what the plan is?"

"When you've slept," he said and left with my half-empty sake jug.

I lay back on my futon and soon I was sleep.

Review if you love it, Review if you hate it, Review if you think they were out of character, Review if it doesn't make sense, Review if you want more, Review if I've made a mistake- and if you can think of anything I've forgotten- REVIEW!

Quick Glossary (probably not needed and I hope it's accurate)

Hai-yes

Sumanai-sorry

A/N: Any ideas for a better title?