Disclaimers: Before we get started, let me say this:

A lot of you are probably going to hate this story and hate me for writing it. My pre-written response? I don't care. I am aware that this plot is probably one that has been done to death, but I like to think that I may be giving it a whole new spin that no one has tried... Or possibly even giving a whole new way of looking at the JTHM series. This story ends on a much more optimistic note than the typical Jhonen Vasquez story... And with a decidedly more spiritual note, despite Mr. Vasquez's very obvious distaste for any form of religion. My only explanation is that I am a Christian and I would like to see at least one fanfiction or fanart concerning Jhonen Vasquez' creations that doesn't slander my beliefs or praise the works of evil.

...Um... By the way, don't worry. I seemed kind of tense up there, but I'm not mad or anything. I'm quite happy, actually ; I just really don't like how Jhonen portrays the roles of good and evil. Also, I don't own any of Jhonen's characters. Nor do I want to. Now, enjoy! --Matt
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"Please Help Me"
by Matt Garner

Darkness. Dizzy, queasy, painful darkness. Then, gradually, light. Dim, dreary light, but light nonetheless. Grunting slightly as consciousness returned to his pained head, Edgar Vargas opened his eyes blearily and was more than a little surprised at what they saw (once they were able to focus, that is).

He seemed to be in a small, poorly-lit room of some sort with wooden walls, ceiling, and floor and no decoration save for two immense paintings of a ghastly, monstrous eye staring in fear on either side of him. Huddled near the door on the opposite end of the room was the dark figure of what seemed to be a man; rather, a hideous wraithlike mockery of a man. The creature shivered ever-so-slightly and lifted its head to gaze at Edgar.

"Why are people so... unpleasant?" the creature inquired with a mixture of pain and hatred in its voice as its luminous, yellowy eyes narrowed loathingly.

"I... I don't... know..." Edgar stammered, turning his head a bit to find out just why he felt as if he were being suspended in the air via a series of painful harnesses. Ah, well, there you have it! He really was being suspended in the air via painful harnesses, complete with a number of very sharp and painful-looking instruments pointed at him. Well, that would do it, wouldn't it?

Johnny narrowed his eyes thoughtfully, watching his captive as a small innocent voice echoed in his head.

"don't hurt him, johnny..." Nailbunny pleaded in a faint whisper, "don't hurt him..."

Another voice in Johnny's head answered, though it wasn't his own.

"Sssilence, rabbit!" hissed Mr. Eff, "Why ssshouldn't our boy harm that... THING that daresss to call itssself human? Why ssshouldn't he exssperiencsse the thrill of having hisss revenge on another cruel, dissspressspectful creature?"

Johnny nodded curtly and cleared his hoarse throat.

Edgar quickly looked back to the ghostly figure as it stepped into better view, revealing itself to actually be a very miserable and unhealthy looking young man. Almost speaking more to himself rather than to Edgar, the man snarled "HONESTLY! It's so difficult to truly CARE about so many things without first knowing the answers to some of the most fundamental mind-ravaging questions! How can one possibly respect the existence of something, people in this case, when that something seems to DEFY respect? They do such trivial things and find amusement, even so-called "MATURITY," in the incessant mistreatment of their own kind!" (Ironic thing for a homicidal maniac to be saying, isn't it?)

Edgar stuttered a bit for a second, taking in what his captor had just said.

"That's... a very GENERAL statement!" he finally managed to say, "Not all people are like that..."

"Mmmmyessss..." Johnny mused as he moved closer to his victim, "yes, but keep in mind: It's possible that I'm QUITE horrendously insane! That's just it... The old thing about the crazy person who never KNOWS they're crazy?" Johnny snickered a little and now that he was close enough, Edgar could see a painful, forced smile on the man's face. "It's funny, isn't it?"

"Um... yes, I suppose it is," Edgar coughed, his British accent more noticeable now, "Ummmmm... I don't suppose you're going to let me go, are you?"

"let him go, johnny. please let him go..."

"No... Let him sssuffer..."

Johnny stared at him bitterly with a very inhuman look in his eyes.

"No. I don't think so."

"I see... Well, could you at least loosen these restraints a bit?" Edgar wriggled his fingers slightly for added effect. "They hurt quite a bit. VERY painful, you know..."

"HAH! why ssshould you care? They never care when they hurt YOU, do they, Nny?"

"please, johnny... please don't do this..."

Johnny shivered again and bit his bottom lip. His angry look changed to one of sympathy blended with unholy terror. "Th-think of the pain as a r-reassurance," he breathed erratically, eyes twitching, "that you're not dead yet. What you are feeling is LIFE in you and I would hate to lessen that for you. I'm going to take you f-from one extreme to the other... I would never deprive you of this: Your Final Awareness..."

Edgar's brow knitted in fear and concern. "That's very nice of you... Thank you..." He wondered if this was the proper way to address your soon-to-be-murderer. "Could you, um... Well, could you please tell me what I... ah... DID to you, exactly? Or, what I might have said? I mean up until just now when I awoke here, I'd never met you. I suppose it's just one of those nagging questions a person gets before being torn apart by a... er... um... whatever this thing is..."

A fresh sneer, full of vindictive spite disfigured Johnny's face. He raised his hand, ready to point dramatically at Edgar while explaining all the social sins he had commited, but... he couldn't think of any.

"Eff!" he called mentally, "Mr. Eff! Um... hey, what exactly did this guy do to me again?"

"... Who caresss?" came the reply, "Who givesss a #$??? He'sss a 'perssson,' and asss sssuch, he dessservesss no mercssy..."

"..." Johnny cleared his throat and laughed nervously. "You know... I uh... I can't really recall your doing anything to me, really. But you ARE a person, and I can't say I'm fond of that. My days are less than enjoyable because of people... You will be the effigy I burn (or, rather, rip to shreds), infused with all the traits that make humans the detestable little GOBLINS that they are..."

"O-kayyyyyy..." Edgar murmured, more than a little confused by this point, "But what if I'm NOT like all of those goblin-people? You just randomly picked me out of the crowd! I daresay, going as far as to crack me against the head while I wasn't looking, judging by my splitting headache..."

Rubbing his hands together and wheezing to himself (Edgar was reminded vaguely of the character "Gollum" from the Lord of the Rings), Johnny grumbled "Yes, well... I thought of finding someone more DESERVING of this... But I wasn't in the mood. I just wanted to get back home quick and..." He looked up at Edgar again with sad, clear eyes. All visible hints of insanity gone, Johnny muttered, "I probably could have done better because you seem like such a nice person..."

"he never did anything to you, johnny..."

There was an awkward pause.

Johnny finally cleared his throat and said, tearry-eyed, "I'm sorry," in the manner of a small child who has just realized he has broken an important rule.

Relief washed over Edgar as he smiled broadly and said, "Thank you. Thank you so very much. You're ever-so-kind. My name's Edgar, by the way. Edgar Vargas."

"Pleased to meet you, Edgar!" Johnny laughed, cracking a huge smile and bowing comically, "My name's Johnny C, but seeing as how we're sharing this intimate moment, you can call me 'Nny!'"

Edgar laughed. "Nny, is it? Is that with a 'K,' as in 'kneecap'?"

Johnny shook his head happily. He looked like a very thin yet very happy child who had just made a brand-new friend, rather than a possessed homicidal maniac. "Nope!" he chirped, "But it's pronounced the same!"

Chuckling, Edgar wriggled his fingers again and said "Right, then, Nny! Does this mean I can go now? Because, and I mean this as NO offense to you, but I would like to go home..."

His friendly laugh died into a nervous giggle and an awkward cough as Johnny turned his back to him. The air was so thick with tension, you could cut with a knife. No, really! You could! Johnny actually did that for a second, just to see if he could. Anyway...

Turning back around and looking miserably at his feet, Johnny mumbled, "Oh... Um... N-no... Sorry... I'm STILL going to have to kill you. Though you're my new bestest-bestest friend, I'm afraid I'm going to have to end your life... I... Really... Really need your blood..."

A quiet, derisive cackle echoed through Johnny's brain.

"Nny," Edgar urged softly as Johnny clutched his head painfully, "Nny, you don't have to do this. I ask you to please reconsider what you're doin--"

"NO!" Johnny shrieked in a high voice quite unlike his own, "NO! NO! NO!!! SSSHUT UP!!! JUSSST SSSHUT UP!!! I H-HAVE TO DO THISSS..."

Edgar coughed quietly, then closed his eyes in thought. "... I see..." he sighed after a moment or so.

By now, Johnny seemed to very literally be fighting with himself. He was using every last ounce of strength just to stand in one place and keep his shaking hands from the controls of the deadly device in which Edgar was currently placed.

"Y-y-you know..." he stuttered, obviously fighting even to speak, "Y-you're n-not acting l-like I'd exp-p-pect you t-to! D-death usually has a m-m-much more p-profound impact on p-people! Where..." shiver, "Where is your F-FEAR?"

"I would rather not die," Edgar answered calmly, "But I don't seem to have much say in the matter. But, Nny, I'm also not clouded like you are. I have no family, no close friends... But I do have Faith. Faith in Heaven. Faith in a God who, if it is not His Will to save me from this, will welcome me Home with open arms. I have NOTHING to fear, Nny..."

Taking a deep breath and expecting the worst, Edgar looked down at Johnny who was, oddly enough, staring blankly as though he had just heard something new and foreign to him.

"LIESSS!!! LIESSS!!! NOTHING BUT FILTHY, NASSSTY LIESSS! KILL HIM, JOHNNY!!! KILL HIM NOW!!!" Did Mr. Eff actually sound... scared?

"no, johnny... please listen to me... don't hurt him. he can help you, johnny... remember when i said there were people who can help you? he's one of them, johnny. he can help you find a new life... he can help you escape this hell you've created for yourself... he can help you!!!"

Edgar closed his eyes and took one more deep breath.

"... edgar?"

Johnny's soft, scared whisper took Edgar quite off guard.

"Y-yes... Johnny?"

"..." Again, Johnny looked up at Edgar with tears in his eyes and his arms wrapped tightly around himself. "... please help me..."

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The Last Word: Go ahead! Flame me! I da'st ya! I double-da'st ya!