Chapter One: The Assignment
AUTHOR: Mnemosyne
SUMMARY: Aphrodite's tired of Cupid lounging
around the house, and sends him back to work. First
mission: bring a little loving to the crew of
Enterprise.
DISCLAIMER: *snort* Don't I wish?
RATING: PG-13
SPOILERS: *dying of hysterical laughter*
CODES: R/S, T'p, Tu, the others
CATEGORY: Humor, romance
NOTES: Okay, I'll admit it - I'm a Greek/Roman
mythology nut. I live for the stuff. For about four
years, from ninth grade through senior year of high
school, it was next to life's blood for me. And while
the fervor has died a little, I'm still that psycho
little Bacchanal at heart. :-D LOL! This idea came
quite out of the blue, rather like one of Cupid's love
darts, and I ran with it. I thought a little humor
might be nice after the generally angsty fare I ante
up. I hope you all enjoy! Have fun!
Cupid, please hear my cry,
And let your arrow fly
Straight to my lover's heart for me...
-"Cupid"
Sam Cooke
Aphrodite, Divine Goddess of Love, Daughter of the Sea
Foam, Patron of Cyprus, She of the Concealing Tresses,
Mistress of the Cushy Clamshell, was angry. When Love
got angry, bad things happened. And if there was one
thing Love DIDN'T...well, love, it was bad things.
Love enjoyed everything soft and pleasant and warm,
like puppies and kittens and fuzzy slippers. So you
could bet that whenever a flower died, or rain fell on
a wedding day, Love was pissed.
Somewhere, someone's wedding must have been drowned out by a tsunami, because Venus was on the warpath.
"CUUUUUUUUPIIIIIIIIID!" she shrieked, her pleasant, bell-like voice somehow managing to convey her rage. "CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID!"
"Here, mommy!"
Diaphanous robes floated around the goddess as she swept through the marble doors of her opulent palace. Of all the castles on Olympus, it was by far the prettiest, made of white and rose marble and filled with elegant plaster moldings of deliriously happy things: bunnies frolicking in fields of clover, children playing with the bunnies, couples copulating while the children were out playing with the bunnies...
Love was big on thematic decorating.
Eros - Wielder of the Enchanted Bow, God of Sensual Love, Son of the Divine Goddess of Beauty, He of the Chiseled Yet Cherubic Countenance - was lounging by her pool. He did that a lot of late: lounge. Lounge by the pool. Lounge in fields of sweet-smelling grasses. Lounge in bed. Lounge at the supper table. Aphrodite was about ready to give her son a new title: No Good Layabout Lounge Monkey. The only thing stopping her was the fact that he WAS her son, and she loved him madly, even if he DID have a tendency to loaf around like a divine potato sack with legs. She was love incarnate, so she usually forgave him.
THIS, though... THIS was unforgiveable.
She stopped and stood beside him, tapping her dainty foot and crossing her milk-white arms over her flat stomach. Glaring down at him with emerald green eyes that had been the stuff of songs for centuries, the Goddess of Love pursed her rosebud lips and furrowed her delicate eyebrows. "What. Were. You. THINKING?" she grated through perfect white teeth. They even gritted perfectly.
Eros - or Cupid, though he thought the other name made him sound manlier - pushed his reflective sunglasses onto his forehead and stared up at her with brilliantly blue eyes. He was sunning himself, which was one of his favorite lounging activities. Not that his skin needed any bronzing - he'd been naturally tan since birth. "What's the skinny, mom?" he asked, giving her a dazzling white smile.
Oh no - she wasn't going to fall for his How can you be angry at such a beautiful son? routine this time. This was too much. "What's the skinny? What's the SKINNY?" She was trying her hardest not to become shrill, but it was so very, VERY hard. "There's nothing skinny about this! This is huge! Enormous! This is one big, FAT mess you've gotten yourself into, junior!"
Cupid sat up straight, nearly knocking over his umbrella drink as he did so. "Don't call me that, mommy!" he whined, pouting out his lower lip.
"I'll call you whatever I want! I'm your mother, and don't you forget it!" He didn't look anywhere NEAR properly chastised, and he was sulking, but she'd soon clear that up. "Why did you do it? WHY!"
"Do what?" he asked, flashing her with his innocent eyes. She recognized the ploy. She'd used it plenty of times during her on-again, off-again affair with Ares, whenever Hephaestus started to suspect anything. Of course, that was years ago, but she still knew the old tricks. She'd invented them.
"This," she snarled, and thrust a glossy magazine at him.
He took it and glanced it over. "What about it?" he asked, handing it back to her.
She was, quite frankly, dumbstruck. Could it be... he didn't REALLY know what a screw-up this was? Could he really be that... VACANT?
Counting to ten, she held the magazine in front of his face, right up close, near his nose. "Woman. Gives. Birth. To. Bigfoot's. Baby," she growled, not bothering to look at the cover as she said it. She'd already memorized the words. They were burned into her mind.
Eros shrugged. "So?" he asked, pushing her hand aside and looking up at her as he resituated himself into lounging position. "They write that kind of stuff all the time."
"But this time it's TRUE!" She threw the magazine into the air and it turned into a flock of snow white doves.
Eros clapped.
"Oh, shut up, you idiot," she snapped. He quieted obediently. "Do you know what a travesty this is? I KNOW you made that fool woman fall in love with that hairy creature. It has you written all over it!"
"Mommy, I was BORED."
"Don't mommy me, junior! You know the rules - humans are not to fall in love with nasty, hairy creatures unless you're really, really angry with them! Do you understand? How would you feel if your boredom has just gone and put another Minotaur on the Earth, hmmmm? Would that make you happy? Luckily, Bigfoot is close enough to human that the child should pass easily enough through life. But oh - the haircuts!"
"Maybe they'll think he's Italian?"
She smacked him upside his well-coifed blonde head.
"Ow!"
"The baby's a she, you moron!"
"Oh."
"That's it." She crossed her arms again and tossed her brilliant golden hair. "YOU are going back to work. Full-time!"
"No!" Cupid bolted to his feet. "Mommy, pleeeeeease. I don't wanna!"
"Too bad. You just said you were bored, correct? Well, this should counter that QUITE nicely."
"But... But..."
"Stop that. You sound like a Chevy Nova." She aimed a slender finger at the heart-shaped pool. The water began to swirl, and soon transformed into a divine portal onto the mortal world. "I've already chosen your first assignment."
Eros was still pouting, but she ignored him as she walked to the edge of the pool. They could see a bunch of humans walking through cramped grey corridors, dressed in blue jumpsuits with tri-colored piping to differentiate between separate departments. Aphrodite smiled smugly - sometimes her brilliance amazed even her.
"What is it?" Cupid sulked morosely.
"The starship Enterprise. Rather like Helios' chariot, only it goes much, much farther." She turned to her son. "They're currently on a deep space mission, out in the depths of the void, further than any of their species has ever ventured. You know what that means."
"No Cinemax?"
She smacked him again.
"Ow!"
"Lonely, miserable people!"
"Ohhhhhhh."
Rolling her eyes, she continued. "I want you to GO to that ship, FIND the loneliest, most miserable person you can lay your godly hands on, and hook he or she up with their perfect match. Understood?"
"Yes, mommy."
"Good. Now, remember - keep the magic mellow. You throw too much at these humans and their heads are liable to explode from the lust."
"Geez, mom, I know THAT. I AM the God of Sensual Love, you know."
"Do you NEED me to remind you of the last time I let you go gallivanting off on your own without supervision, junior?"
Cupid shifted uncomfortably. "Moooom..." he whined.
"Tommy Lee and Pamela Andersen."
"Mooooom, quit it!"
"Dennis Rodman and Carmen Elektra?"
"I get it!"
" Don't even get me STARTED on the Michael Jackson, Lisa Marie Presley fiasco!"
"Okay, okay!" Eros held up his hands in defeat. "I'll be careful this time, mommy, honest. I promise!"
She smiled indulgently. "There's my good boy." Lifting up on her tiptoes, she pecked him on the cheek and ruffled his hair. "Now there IS one snag, and that's the Vulcan."
Cupid frowned and looked around. "Dad?"
Aphrodite sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "No, dear. Not VULCAN. THE Vulcan. Her name is T'Pol. But like your dear stepfather, she's a bit of a hard case. Stubborn taboot. She may cause you some problems, so just stay away from her. Oh, and son?"
"Yes, mommy?"
"UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO SHOOT THE VULCAN WITH YOUR LOVE ARROWS!"
Cupid stumbled backwards, nearly tumbling over his deck chair, but Aphrodite snatched him back with a snap of her fingers. "Whoa!" he gasped, shaking his head to clear it. "Why not!"
"Because Vulcans choose to suppress their emotions," she said it with disdain, "and if we were to allow those emotions to suddenly bubble to the surface, the results might be catastrophic. Understood?"
"Yes, mommy. How will I know which one is the Vulcan?"
"She's a bit green, with pointy ears."
"Oh. Like Pan?"
"Yes, only not a whore."
"Okay."
"All right then. Off you go!"
Eros paled. "But... But..."
"You're sputtering again, dear."
"But... I need my bow! My arrows!" He held out his hands to her. "I can't go YET!"
"Is THAT all that's troubling you?" Venus laughed, a sound like clear water over smooth stones, and snapped her fingers. A long, slender, elegantly carved bow appeared in Cupid's hand, and an ivory quiver full of arrows fletched in dove feathers hung over his shoulder. "All done!"
"But... What about Psyche? Shouldn't I tell her I'm leaving?"
Aphrodite shook her head. "If you go running off to find your wife, I'll never get you two apart long enough to send you on your way. I'll tell her. Where is she?"
Eros sighed heavily. "In the bedroom, listening to Al Green records."
"Well, glad to hear the girl hasn't lost her Soul." The goddess smiled brilliantly. "Off you go!" And with a dainty push, she sent her son tumbling over the edge of the pool, into the swirling vision. He was swallowed up by the water, and he, the starship, and all the little humans disappeared with a cheerful GLUP!
"There." Brushing her hands briskly together, Aphrodite exhaled happily and let herself exult for a moment. It had been a long time since she'd had a good exultation, and it felt good to stretch those muscles again. On earth, a flock of birds sang a blissful song so beautiful it broke three hearts and prompted six proposals of marriage.
Good things were happening, and Love was happy.
Eros, on the other hand, was miserable. He'd just
been tossed unceremoniously out of the Kingdom of the
Gods, into the middle of a drab, dismal, cramped
little starship thingy, with express orders not to go
back until he'd made someone fall in love with someone
else. Finding the loneliest, most miserable person
wasn't going to be the hard part; it was choosing
which one to shoot that was going to be a problem!
How could anyone NOT be wretched in a place as dreary
as this?
The crew couldn't see him, so he spent his first hour aboard the ship sitting in their cafeteria, watching. The assignment wasn't his idea of a fun day at the beach, but he was a natural people watcher, so he found himself enjoying the interaction between the various crewmen who wandered in and out of the table-crowded room. After about twenty minutes he decided the toga just wasn't cutting it, and changed into a blue jumpsuit to match the rest of the crew. True, they had no idea he was there, but it made him feel less conspicuous nonetheless. The bow and arrows he morphed into a phaser - at least, he THOUGHT they were called phasers; maybe tazers? Whatever. It was more compact, whatever it was, and easier to aim without elbowing people in the face.
As the first hour segued into the second, Eros found himself getting more and more bored. Everyone who filed in and out of the room was so infernally cheerful! All laughing and joking and Hey, they're showing Abbot and Costello tonight-ing. It was enough to make the god sick to his divine stomach. How was he supposed to turn someone's frown upside down if they were all grinning like their faces had been sewn that way?
As the second hour got well under way, he was mulling over arguments to use with his mother as to WHY this was a lost cause, when suddenly, a wave of sullen loneliness so strong swept over him, he nearly fell out of his booth. His head snapped up and he riveted his blue eyes to the figure who had just ambled through the door.
Thin, muscular, angular. Back straight as a poker, shoulders level as a plumb line. Dark hair matched only by the darkness of his aura.
Oh yes. The God of Love had just found his target, and it was a big'un.
"Who are YOU?" Cupid muttered under his breath, not looking away as the man crossed the Mess Hall and settled into a table well away from any other member of the crew. He was tapping away at some sort of handheld computer - a data PADD? Was that it? - and was ignoring everything else around him. Including the food, it seemed, since he made no move to eat.
"Malcolm!"
The man's head snapped up at the voice, and Eros followed his gaze to the door once again, where a tall man with fair hair and cheerful eyes had just entered. "Commander," the man named Malcolm acknowledged.
"Hey, we're off duty. Call me Trip, would ya?" The blond man took a seat opposite the first as Cupid watched. "What're you reading?"
"The latest armory inventory."
Trip rolled his eyes, mirroring Cupid's reaction. "Malcolm, like I just said, we're off duty." He reached across the table and snatched the PADD out of the other man's hand, ignoring his protests. "You going to movie night tonight?"
"No," the darker man replied sharply, trying to snatch his work back. The commander kept it well out of reach. "I'm far too busy."
"All work and no play makes Malcolm a sulky bastard," the southerner quipped. "Come on, Mal. One night out of the office ain't going to kill you. Hell, you might even have fun."
"I assure you, I won't. And don't call me Mal."
"Whatever you say. But you're going to movie night."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"No, I'm NOT."
"Yes, you ARE. Don't make me make it an order, Malcolm."
Eros watched as the darker man fixed the fair-headed one with a stony stare. Slowly, his shoulders slumped, and he nodded in defeat. "Oh... fine," he muttered, sitting back.
Trip grinned. "Great."
Perhaps he should hit THIS one with the phaser arrow. Admittedly, neither of the men seemed to be homosexual, but they had SOMETHING, that much was obvious. After all, close friendships often transformed into something more, given enough time, even without divine intervention.
Just as Eros was about to level his phaser at the duo, however, Trip leaned forward and whispered, "'Sides, Hoshi's going to be there."
Cupid's hand stilled on the trigger as Malcolm's ears visibly pricked up. "She is?"
"Uh-huh. She loves Abbott and Costello. Thinks they're hysterical."
"I... Well..."
"Oh, come on, Malcolm. Quit pussyfooting around and bite the bullet. Sit next to her!"
Malcolm was sweating. The man had it BAD for this Hoshi. "I don't... That would be awfully forward, don't you think?"
Trip snorted. "Yeah, if this were a Renaissance era cathedral and she was a nun. Which she ISN'T. She very, very ISN'T."
Malcolm blushed. "I... Trip, it's fraternization."
"Damn straight it is, and this officer is personally sanctioning it. Now get back to your quarters, suit yourself up, and don't be late. Wear the navy blue silk shirt. Makes your eyes stand out."
"You think?"
"Absolutely. Gives you this allure. Women love it."
"Really? I always thought it made me look too pretty."
"Malcolm?"
"Yes?"
"Trust me when I say, you'd need a lot more than a blue shirt to make YOU too pretty."
"Thank you, Commander."
"Hey, what are friends for?"
This was almost too perfect. In the span of five minutes, Cupid had not only found his target, he'd also gotten the name of a potential match. Hoshi. A pretty name - it meant star in Earth's Japanese language. Malcolm certainly had stars in his eyes at the mere mention of her name.
Just then, Trip stiffened in his chair. "Don't look now, but Oshi-hay just walked through the oori-day."
Malcolm stiffened as well. "Oh God," he whispered.
"Just stay calm. She doesn't know."
"Oh, God. Oh God..."
Cupid turned his eyes towards the door once more, and saw a petite Asian woman with dark eyes and immaculate posture filling up a tray with food from the meal line. Malcolm had taste - she was no shrinking violet, but she was accessible. There was an air of self-assurance about her that was alluring, even to him as a god. Best not to dwell on that, however, or else Psyche would make him sleep on the floor for a
"She's coming this way." Indeed, the young woman had spotted the two officers and was weaving her way through tables to reach them.
"Oh God, Trip... What do I do!"
"Nothing. Just act normal. Got it?"
"Got it."
"Okay, here she comes. Almost here. Almost... Hey, Hoshi! Wanna join us?"
The God watched as the woman grinned at the two men. "What are you two talking about?" she teased. "You look like you're hiding some kind of dirty little secret."
Malcolm nearly choked.
"Sorry, Hoshi, 'fraid that's top secret," Trip said apologetically, reaching around the table to clap the other man on the back. He gestured to the last remaining chair with his free hand. "Siddown."
She obliged, setting her tray down first, then sitting. "I sure hope this is good," she said, picking up her fork and digging into the casserole. "I'm STARVING."
"Not too hungry for movie night, though," Trip mentioned.
"Not a chance!" Hoshi took a mouthful, chewed, moaned happily, and swallowed. "I hear it's Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer. I haven't seen that one in years. We watched it in one of my film classes in college. I wouldn't miss that!"
"Great! Me either. Or Malcolm. Ain't that right, Malcolm?"
Hoshi turned surprised eyes on the dark-haired man, who was blushing furiously. "You're going to movie night, Malcolm?"
He nodded tersely. "Yes. The... commander seemed to think I don't get out enough."
Hoshi laughed; a bell-like peal reminiscent of Aphrodite's. "Cute, Trip." She turned to Malcolm again. "It'll be nice to see you there." She covered his hand and smiled at him.
Malcolm smiled back.
"Perfect," Cupid murmured, aimed his phaser between Hoshi's shoulder blades, and fired.
TBC...