~authors note: Sorry this is kinda lame... I'm really bored b/c I've
been reading history all night... I need a creative outlet. Forgive the
lameness of this oneshot! Ritsu is one of my fav. chars, and you really
don't see him that much in fanfics... I hope you enjoy!~
I lay on my bed quietly, watching the silver blades of my ceiling fan go round and round. I can feel my face beginning to form a permanent frown. The window curtains are pulled back just a little, so the sun flicks me in the eye every so often, glinting off the painted wood.
I stare out the window to watch Akito-san, standing in the courtyard with my parents. He came to try to heal from his most recent ailment. I had walked out to greet him earlier, completely forgetting to change out of my woman's green silk kimono. I glanced down after seeing his expression, and dropped to my knees with my parents. "Gomen nasai!" I could feel my throat begin to crack as I said my apologies over and over, my eyes watering with shame. "Gomen ne! Sememosen! Gomen nasai!" I could feel his sharp eyes watching my humiliation, and I watched his pale feet walk away without acknowledging my presence at all. I'm falling into a dark tunnel of grief, crying out for help but getting no reply, sinking a little farther in with every moment.
I turn my face to stare at the wall as a hot tear rolls down the bridge of my nose and splatters itself onto the silk of my kimono. I'm not wanted. I could hear my parents still apologizing over and over to Akito, who had come back after I left. I was so unwanted. I am just a flea to my parents, a parasite, never leaving unless killed. I look over at my nightstand, where the obi for my kimono lays, unraveled. The thickness of the belt would be just right, I think, picking it up and fondling the smooth texture of the silk.
I turn off the fan, and wrapping the end of my obi around it. Finding a stepstool, I balance while making a small loop in the other end, and slip my head through. There is no escaping this long dark road. I tighten the loose knot around my hated neck, and try to get up enough courage to do it. If I had the courage, there would be no more despair all around me.
Just do it, I think to myself. No one loves you. I can feel the fear rising in my gut, and my face flush. You are hated. You are a walking, breathing mistake. Just end it, and give all those kind people around you a breath of relief. I edge my toe over the side of the stool, closing my eyes. I let it dangle over, balancing on one foot. You have no use in this world. You are just too clumsy to have a purpose. I barely edge my other foot over, and my life flashes before my eyes in an array of memories that seem like movie clips. Standing outside watching my parents agonize over me, seeing myself in a girl's kimono, the deep sadness of this tunnel I'm engulfed in. But a moment of my life flashes before me. A girl with long onyx hair and sparkling ocean colored eyes. Her smile stretches across her face, and her laughter fills my mind. The wind snaps her hair around her face as she says something I can't understand the words. Her eyes light up with happiness, and I feel a smile form on my unwelcome lips.
I slip my foot back over the stool, opening my eyes. No one has found me like this. How could I have possibly been that bold? I wonder to myself. I slide my other foot back on gently, gaining my balance once again. I slip the noose off of my neck, and untie it from the fan. A tear rolls down my cheek as I think of what I was about to do, and how no one would have cared anyway. No one would have cared an ounce, I think as I sit back onto my small bed in my small room.
I sit on my bed, with waves of depression rolling over me. The tunnel swallows me more with every breath I try to take. No one cares, and no one will ever care. The girl with the long black hair flashes through my head again, her smile lighting the picture like it was the sun. I stare deeply into those kind turquoise eyes, and watch her mouth say something. The words were coming to me. "...I want to live my life for someone..." a small wisp of a memory comes again. I could only see her in that moment, absorbed by the thought she had been sharing. I wipe the tears off of my cheek, and see the smiling face again. I can feel myself take a step towards the light of her smile. There is someone who cares about me. She would have cared. I can see myself moving forward through the dark abyss. She would have cared. Another step. I realize that I can only see her in this tunnel of sadness, her smile, her eyes. She is what I'm moving towards. She is what I want to live for. That smile that brightens everything. It melts away all the pain in my heart. I can feel it embracing me, the warmth and kindness of that smile, those eyes, that sweet face. She is my savior. She is the light at the end of the tunnel.
I lay on my bed quietly, watching the blades on the ceiling fan go round and round. A little smile forms on my lips as the sun flicks me in the eyes. It reminds me of that radiant light that I live for.
I lay on my bed quietly, watching the silver blades of my ceiling fan go round and round. I can feel my face beginning to form a permanent frown. The window curtains are pulled back just a little, so the sun flicks me in the eye every so often, glinting off the painted wood.
I stare out the window to watch Akito-san, standing in the courtyard with my parents. He came to try to heal from his most recent ailment. I had walked out to greet him earlier, completely forgetting to change out of my woman's green silk kimono. I glanced down after seeing his expression, and dropped to my knees with my parents. "Gomen nasai!" I could feel my throat begin to crack as I said my apologies over and over, my eyes watering with shame. "Gomen ne! Sememosen! Gomen nasai!" I could feel his sharp eyes watching my humiliation, and I watched his pale feet walk away without acknowledging my presence at all. I'm falling into a dark tunnel of grief, crying out for help but getting no reply, sinking a little farther in with every moment.
I turn my face to stare at the wall as a hot tear rolls down the bridge of my nose and splatters itself onto the silk of my kimono. I'm not wanted. I could hear my parents still apologizing over and over to Akito, who had come back after I left. I was so unwanted. I am just a flea to my parents, a parasite, never leaving unless killed. I look over at my nightstand, where the obi for my kimono lays, unraveled. The thickness of the belt would be just right, I think, picking it up and fondling the smooth texture of the silk.
I turn off the fan, and wrapping the end of my obi around it. Finding a stepstool, I balance while making a small loop in the other end, and slip my head through. There is no escaping this long dark road. I tighten the loose knot around my hated neck, and try to get up enough courage to do it. If I had the courage, there would be no more despair all around me.
Just do it, I think to myself. No one loves you. I can feel the fear rising in my gut, and my face flush. You are hated. You are a walking, breathing mistake. Just end it, and give all those kind people around you a breath of relief. I edge my toe over the side of the stool, closing my eyes. I let it dangle over, balancing on one foot. You have no use in this world. You are just too clumsy to have a purpose. I barely edge my other foot over, and my life flashes before my eyes in an array of memories that seem like movie clips. Standing outside watching my parents agonize over me, seeing myself in a girl's kimono, the deep sadness of this tunnel I'm engulfed in. But a moment of my life flashes before me. A girl with long onyx hair and sparkling ocean colored eyes. Her smile stretches across her face, and her laughter fills my mind. The wind snaps her hair around her face as she says something I can't understand the words. Her eyes light up with happiness, and I feel a smile form on my unwelcome lips.
I slip my foot back over the stool, opening my eyes. No one has found me like this. How could I have possibly been that bold? I wonder to myself. I slide my other foot back on gently, gaining my balance once again. I slip the noose off of my neck, and untie it from the fan. A tear rolls down my cheek as I think of what I was about to do, and how no one would have cared anyway. No one would have cared an ounce, I think as I sit back onto my small bed in my small room.
I sit on my bed, with waves of depression rolling over me. The tunnel swallows me more with every breath I try to take. No one cares, and no one will ever care. The girl with the long black hair flashes through my head again, her smile lighting the picture like it was the sun. I stare deeply into those kind turquoise eyes, and watch her mouth say something. The words were coming to me. "...I want to live my life for someone..." a small wisp of a memory comes again. I could only see her in that moment, absorbed by the thought she had been sharing. I wipe the tears off of my cheek, and see the smiling face again. I can feel myself take a step towards the light of her smile. There is someone who cares about me. She would have cared. I can see myself moving forward through the dark abyss. She would have cared. Another step. I realize that I can only see her in this tunnel of sadness, her smile, her eyes. She is what I'm moving towards. She is what I want to live for. That smile that brightens everything. It melts away all the pain in my heart. I can feel it embracing me, the warmth and kindness of that smile, those eyes, that sweet face. She is my savior. She is the light at the end of the tunnel.
I lay on my bed quietly, watching the blades on the ceiling fan go round and round. A little smile forms on my lips as the sun flicks me in the eyes. It reminds me of that radiant light that I live for.