III
/Make it stop... make the hurting stop... please, I just want to go home... I'm sorry - /
"No!"
Robin's eyes flew open as she sat bolt upright, gasping for breath as she reoriented herself. *Calm down*, she told herself. *It was just a bad dream... Dream? Spammit! I wasn't supposed to fall asleep!* She shook her head, trying to literally shake the images from her mind, and then checked the time. It'd been considerably longer than a few nanos. She swore as she stood, rubbing the crick in her neck. It was then she realised that the water was still running. She narrowed her eyes, and made her way to the bathroom door.
"Perl? Are you OK in there? Perl!"
There was no answer save for the steam rising from underneath the door. Robin grasped the handle, desperation setting in. It was locked. "Perl! Open up!" she yelled. "Cursors..."
She couldn't waste any more time, especially if Perl was in trouble. She braced herself, and threw her full body weight against the door. The bathroom door was not as well weighted as the front, and surrendered easily to the Guardian's brute force. Robin regained her balance, and as she looked up, she saw Perl.
Or rather, Perl's back. She was sitting on the floor of the shower, huddled against the wall; her long purple hair clinging to her sodden, bare skin. The cadet hadn't even registered the Guardian's unorthodox entry, her face obscured as the water rained down on her relentlessly. Robin instinctively looked away, mumbling an apology, embarrassed at seeing her usually confident companion so vulnerable; but after a nano, she realised the young sprite hadn't moved, and glanced nervously back at her.
Then she saw them; saw the bruises, the welts, scattered all over her small body. This had been more than Perl getting caught in the crossfire, she thought grimly. As she stood awkwardly at the door, she could hear something else above the sound of the running water.
Perl was sobbing.
Anger and frustration welled up inside the Guardian. Who had done this? Why hadn't she been there to stop it? Why had she let her own interests take precedence over her duty? She fought down the bubble of hate, and tried to focus. Perl was hurting. She needed help; but she wasn't sure how to give it.
"Perl, it's me," she said, her voice unusually soft. "Perl," she said again, a little firmer. "I need to know what happened last night."
She waited, but the cadet still seemed oblivious to her presence. Robin sighed. She wouldn't talk to Dennis, what in the Net made him think she'd talk to her? She turned to leave.
"Don't go. Please. Don't go..."
Robin froze, surprised at the cadet's sudden outburst. She turned; Perl's back was still facing her. She bit her lip, then carefully placed the cadet's PID on the counter and approached her, reaching over the huddled woman's body to turn off the water. As the streams trickled to a stop, Robin grabbed a towel and held it out to her, averting her gaze again. She heard Perl sniffing, felt her take the towel from her outstretched hand. She waited until she heard her step out of the shower, then turned back to face her.
"Perl, I... "
She trailed off, finally making eye contact with the sullen sprite. Perl's damp hair straggled into her face, making her look more like a drowned null than Turing's chief of security. The two stood there for a moment, just looking at each other.
"What happened last night?" Robin asked eventually, hoping against hope that her suspicions were wrong.
Perl's face crumpled once more, and before she could react, the cadet had collapsed into her arms with an anguished cry. Robin tensed; her instinctive reaction to physical contact. She went to great pains to avoid it, but now this sprite was practically clinging to her, sobbing into her duty armour. She couldn't just push her away.
It confirmed what Robin had suspected. Nothing else could have rendered the hacker so hysterical. She tried her best to respond, awkwardly putting an arm round the young woman's shoulders, trying to quell her growing anger at those responsible. Desperately uncomfortable with the situation she found herself in, she gingerly patted Perl and reached for the hacker's PID.
"Perl..." she vocally prompted, trying to hand her the icon, her growing unease at having the practically naked sprite clinging to her like some kind of energy sea limpet beginning to get the better of her. Perl didn't respond, choosing instead to tighten her grip on the Guardian.
Robin sighed as she realised this tactic wasn't working. OK, she thought, trying to rationalise. We can't stand here like this all second.
"Come on," she said, stepping backwards, gently but firmly pulling the cadet out of the bathroom with her and into the bedroom, whereupon she forcibly pried her away; but not without some mild panic from the sprite, who only let go of her after a reassurance from Robin that she wasn't leaving.
Perl sank onto the bed as Robin shoved the PID into her hand and tapped it for her. She breathed a small sigh of relief as the hacker 'booted into her usual attire. Her sobs had given way to silent tears by now, her amethyst eyes glazed over as she stared at the floor.
Robin's expression softened, but her guilt was starting to well up once more, clutching at her stomach. She should have been there, spammit...
"Perl. You have to tell me what happened," she said, reluctant to put her through this, but knowing she had to get it out of her. Perl's eyes closed.
"I can't..." she murmured. "It hurts so much..."
Robin crouched down in front of her. "Perl, please."
The hacker finally raised her head enough to meet her earnest gaze.
"What's to tell? They - "
"They? How many?" Robin's brow furrowed.
"They must have followed me from the bar..." she paused, reliving it, remembering how they'd taunted her, kicked her, touched her... violated her...
"How many?" Robin repeated, seeing her friend slipping back into her catatonic state. Perl scowled; a glimpse of her usual self creeping back into the pathetic shell.
"What does it matter?" she snapped. "The outcome was the same."
"It matters to me," the Guardian replied. "I want to find out who did this to you." Perl shook her head. Robin narrowed her brown eyes. "Perl! I have to! It's my fault this happened... I have to make it right. Please..."
The cadet glared at her, tears forming once more in her eyes. "It's always about you, isn't it? How you feel! Can't you feel for anyone else but yourself?"
Robin sat back on her heels, stung. For a panicked moment, Perl thought she was going to do what she'd done last night - walk out on her, leaving her alone once more.
"Robin-"
"No..." she faltered, feeling the swell of guilt wash over her again. Could she do nothing right? "I... I deserved that. You're right, Perl. I'm sorry."
She broke the other woman's stare, shame bringing a dark flush of colour to her face. "I just... I..." she struggled for the words, "I just want to help, Perl. I just don't know *how*. I let you down last night... and I feel like this is all my fault. If I'd been there, this never would have happened. I just want to... I don't know. Make up for it...?"
Robin searched Perl's anguished face, looking desperately for some clues. For anything. "I know I come across as cold... I'm not. I'm... inept. I can't deal with people, because I don't know how. Perl, please... let me do something - anything. I've already failed as a Guardian. I don't want to fail as a friend now as well."
Perl wiped her face with the back of her hand. "There's one thing you can do," she said, quietly.
"Name it."
"Don't tell Dennis about this."
Robin recoiled. "What?"
"I mean it! If he finds out... I can pretty much guarantee he'll just bury himself in his work again like he did after Johanna... and I can't handle that."
The Guardian stood, and shook her head. "Perl, we have to find-"
"No!" Perl barked. "If you do anything, Dennis will find out..." She pulled herself back onto the bed, drawing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them protectively, beginning to rock back and forth. Robin reached out to her, but hesitated, then gave up.
"All right, Perl. We do this your way," she sighed. "I'll page Dennis... let him know you're OK..." she trailed off, looking at the cadet. It was a lie, and they both knew it.
"Robin - "
"I'm not leaving," she said, seeing the momentary panic on her friend's face. "But..." she visibly squirmed, "wouldn't you rather he was here? I can't stay here all night."
"I know, I... I'd just rather have you here right now." Perl knew how stupid that sounded, and felt embarrassed as soon as she said it.
"I'll be right back," Robin replied. It would be easier to page Dennis out of direct sight of Perl. Looking at her, she suspected it would be harder, if not impossible, to lie to him if she did it here.
* * *
Dennis jumped, nearly falling backward out of his chair as a vidwindow sprang to life before him. He rubbed at his eyes blearily, remembering why he tried to avoid pulling all-nighters. They always left him wiped the next second. A puzzled look crossed his face as he realized who had paged him.
"Robin? Is something wrong?"
"Uh... no. Look, I found Perl. She's... fine. There was a fight after I left, I guess, but she's okay. She didn't want you to make a fuss over it."
He blinked. "Oh... okay. Robin, can I talk to her?"
The Guardian looked away for a split-nano. "She's sleeping... uh, she just wanted me to let you know she's fine and not to worry."
"All right. Well, don't wake her on my account. Did she tell you what the fight was about?"
Anger rippled across the Guardian's face for an instant. "Same old. They didn't take kindly to having a hacker in their midst."
Dennis sighed. "User... I thought we were through with this spam..." He ran a hand back through his already unruly hair. "Thank you for letting me know what was going on, Robin. I appreciate it."
"Yeah... sure. No problem..." Robin trailed off, and the window snapped shut.
* * *
Robin ran a hand over her face wearily, hoping Dennis had bought her story. He'd seemed to - though she almost wished he'd called her on the lie. Lying wasn't something she was programmed for, and it would have been so much easier to just tell Dennis what was going on. *So you can pawn off the problem on him*, she thought bitterly. Part of it was that, she knew, as much as the thought disgusted her, and part of it was that she didn't believe the ruse would last long. Perl was going to have to pull herself together in a hurry if Dennis was to believe it'd only been a bar fight. Robin cast a glance back into the bedroom at the huddled form of her friend. It certainly didn't seem likely.
"Perl?"
The cadet lifted her head slightly, damp hair a tangle over her eyes. "You called him?"
"I told him you'd been in a fight... at the bar. I said you were sleeping. But... that isn't going to last."
Robin shifted uncomfortably. Perl looked so broken lying there, and she wanted to help, but she had no idea what to do. "Maybe... you should see a doctor?"
"No!" Perl pushed herself upright, wide eyes fixed pleadingly on her companion.
"I... I'll be okay."
"Perl - "
"I *said* I'll be fine. I just..." She looked away, biting her lip. "Just... don't leave me here alone?"
"Maybe we should tell Dennis. He can..."
"He can't know," she whispered, hugging herself. Her eyes seemed fixed to a spot on the wall somewhere off to Robin's left. "He would - I'd lose him then, and..."
Tears welled in the hacker's eyes and she swiped at them with the back her hand. "Dennis is all I have..." She turned away, a sob threatening to break free again. She choked it back, unwilling to let Robin see her this way. But holding it together throughout the day seemed to have sapped all her strength. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw shadowed faces in the dark, harsh voices whispering in her ears. A shudder ran through her unsuppressed, a strangled sob escaping as she collapsed back on the bed.
Robin stood frozen, immobilised by indecision. She had to do something to help Perl, but she didn't know what to do. She was also wary of doing the wrong thing, which, given how utterly unsuccessful the majority of her social interactions were, was bound to happen.
Perl just lay balled up on the bed, sobbing into the pillow, wet hair clinging to her shoulders and the back of her uniform. Awkwardly, Robin reached out and rested a hand on the other woman's shoulder.
"Fine. I won't tell him. But this can't go on, or he's *going* to find out anyway."
Perl sniffled, turning her head so she could look at the Guardian out of the corner of her eye. "I'll be okay. I just... it was too hard to pretend all day and I..." She trailed off. "I'll be okay," she repeated, as though if she said it enough times, it would be true.
"Okay," Robin replied hesitantly, removing her hand and backing off. "Why... why don't you get some downtime? I'll just be in the other room..."
She backed off slowly, hand reaching automatically for the light switch as she reached the door, though thankfully, she remembered in time to keep herself from actually shutting them off. Sending Perl into another round of hysterics was the last thing she needed, after all.
She flopped limply onto the battered couch, running a hand through her hair. She would wait until Perl was asleep, and then maybe she could slip out. The whole situation was making her uneasy - she wasn't sure if she could keep the promise she'd made not to tell anyone about this. Even she could see that keeping this a secret was probably the last thing Perl needed. At the same time, her friend had a point. If Dennis ever knew, the consequences would be devastating. He wasn't likely to take the news lying down, and dealing with the situation would mean revealing it to the entire system. And given how disliked Perl seemed... Robin had to admit to herself that she'd probably feel the same were their positions reversed.
"Wonderful time to develop a conscience," she muttered to herself. Deep down, she feared that this was just the beginning of a mess that would have no quick or easy conclusion...
* * *
(To be continued in Inner Demons, Part 3: Fallout)
/Make it stop... make the hurting stop... please, I just want to go home... I'm sorry - /
"No!"
Robin's eyes flew open as she sat bolt upright, gasping for breath as she reoriented herself. *Calm down*, she told herself. *It was just a bad dream... Dream? Spammit! I wasn't supposed to fall asleep!* She shook her head, trying to literally shake the images from her mind, and then checked the time. It'd been considerably longer than a few nanos. She swore as she stood, rubbing the crick in her neck. It was then she realised that the water was still running. She narrowed her eyes, and made her way to the bathroom door.
"Perl? Are you OK in there? Perl!"
There was no answer save for the steam rising from underneath the door. Robin grasped the handle, desperation setting in. It was locked. "Perl! Open up!" she yelled. "Cursors..."
She couldn't waste any more time, especially if Perl was in trouble. She braced herself, and threw her full body weight against the door. The bathroom door was not as well weighted as the front, and surrendered easily to the Guardian's brute force. Robin regained her balance, and as she looked up, she saw Perl.
Or rather, Perl's back. She was sitting on the floor of the shower, huddled against the wall; her long purple hair clinging to her sodden, bare skin. The cadet hadn't even registered the Guardian's unorthodox entry, her face obscured as the water rained down on her relentlessly. Robin instinctively looked away, mumbling an apology, embarrassed at seeing her usually confident companion so vulnerable; but after a nano, she realised the young sprite hadn't moved, and glanced nervously back at her.
Then she saw them; saw the bruises, the welts, scattered all over her small body. This had been more than Perl getting caught in the crossfire, she thought grimly. As she stood awkwardly at the door, she could hear something else above the sound of the running water.
Perl was sobbing.
Anger and frustration welled up inside the Guardian. Who had done this? Why hadn't she been there to stop it? Why had she let her own interests take precedence over her duty? She fought down the bubble of hate, and tried to focus. Perl was hurting. She needed help; but she wasn't sure how to give it.
"Perl, it's me," she said, her voice unusually soft. "Perl," she said again, a little firmer. "I need to know what happened last night."
She waited, but the cadet still seemed oblivious to her presence. Robin sighed. She wouldn't talk to Dennis, what in the Net made him think she'd talk to her? She turned to leave.
"Don't go. Please. Don't go..."
Robin froze, surprised at the cadet's sudden outburst. She turned; Perl's back was still facing her. She bit her lip, then carefully placed the cadet's PID on the counter and approached her, reaching over the huddled woman's body to turn off the water. As the streams trickled to a stop, Robin grabbed a towel and held it out to her, averting her gaze again. She heard Perl sniffing, felt her take the towel from her outstretched hand. She waited until she heard her step out of the shower, then turned back to face her.
"Perl, I... "
She trailed off, finally making eye contact with the sullen sprite. Perl's damp hair straggled into her face, making her look more like a drowned null than Turing's chief of security. The two stood there for a moment, just looking at each other.
"What happened last night?" Robin asked eventually, hoping against hope that her suspicions were wrong.
Perl's face crumpled once more, and before she could react, the cadet had collapsed into her arms with an anguished cry. Robin tensed; her instinctive reaction to physical contact. She went to great pains to avoid it, but now this sprite was practically clinging to her, sobbing into her duty armour. She couldn't just push her away.
It confirmed what Robin had suspected. Nothing else could have rendered the hacker so hysterical. She tried her best to respond, awkwardly putting an arm round the young woman's shoulders, trying to quell her growing anger at those responsible. Desperately uncomfortable with the situation she found herself in, she gingerly patted Perl and reached for the hacker's PID.
"Perl..." she vocally prompted, trying to hand her the icon, her growing unease at having the practically naked sprite clinging to her like some kind of energy sea limpet beginning to get the better of her. Perl didn't respond, choosing instead to tighten her grip on the Guardian.
Robin sighed as she realised this tactic wasn't working. OK, she thought, trying to rationalise. We can't stand here like this all second.
"Come on," she said, stepping backwards, gently but firmly pulling the cadet out of the bathroom with her and into the bedroom, whereupon she forcibly pried her away; but not without some mild panic from the sprite, who only let go of her after a reassurance from Robin that she wasn't leaving.
Perl sank onto the bed as Robin shoved the PID into her hand and tapped it for her. She breathed a small sigh of relief as the hacker 'booted into her usual attire. Her sobs had given way to silent tears by now, her amethyst eyes glazed over as she stared at the floor.
Robin's expression softened, but her guilt was starting to well up once more, clutching at her stomach. She should have been there, spammit...
"Perl. You have to tell me what happened," she said, reluctant to put her through this, but knowing she had to get it out of her. Perl's eyes closed.
"I can't..." she murmured. "It hurts so much..."
Robin crouched down in front of her. "Perl, please."
The hacker finally raised her head enough to meet her earnest gaze.
"What's to tell? They - "
"They? How many?" Robin's brow furrowed.
"They must have followed me from the bar..." she paused, reliving it, remembering how they'd taunted her, kicked her, touched her... violated her...
"How many?" Robin repeated, seeing her friend slipping back into her catatonic state. Perl scowled; a glimpse of her usual self creeping back into the pathetic shell.
"What does it matter?" she snapped. "The outcome was the same."
"It matters to me," the Guardian replied. "I want to find out who did this to you." Perl shook her head. Robin narrowed her brown eyes. "Perl! I have to! It's my fault this happened... I have to make it right. Please..."
The cadet glared at her, tears forming once more in her eyes. "It's always about you, isn't it? How you feel! Can't you feel for anyone else but yourself?"
Robin sat back on her heels, stung. For a panicked moment, Perl thought she was going to do what she'd done last night - walk out on her, leaving her alone once more.
"Robin-"
"No..." she faltered, feeling the swell of guilt wash over her again. Could she do nothing right? "I... I deserved that. You're right, Perl. I'm sorry."
She broke the other woman's stare, shame bringing a dark flush of colour to her face. "I just... I..." she struggled for the words, "I just want to help, Perl. I just don't know *how*. I let you down last night... and I feel like this is all my fault. If I'd been there, this never would have happened. I just want to... I don't know. Make up for it...?"
Robin searched Perl's anguished face, looking desperately for some clues. For anything. "I know I come across as cold... I'm not. I'm... inept. I can't deal with people, because I don't know how. Perl, please... let me do something - anything. I've already failed as a Guardian. I don't want to fail as a friend now as well."
Perl wiped her face with the back of her hand. "There's one thing you can do," she said, quietly.
"Name it."
"Don't tell Dennis about this."
Robin recoiled. "What?"
"I mean it! If he finds out... I can pretty much guarantee he'll just bury himself in his work again like he did after Johanna... and I can't handle that."
The Guardian stood, and shook her head. "Perl, we have to find-"
"No!" Perl barked. "If you do anything, Dennis will find out..." She pulled herself back onto the bed, drawing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them protectively, beginning to rock back and forth. Robin reached out to her, but hesitated, then gave up.
"All right, Perl. We do this your way," she sighed. "I'll page Dennis... let him know you're OK..." she trailed off, looking at the cadet. It was a lie, and they both knew it.
"Robin - "
"I'm not leaving," she said, seeing the momentary panic on her friend's face. "But..." she visibly squirmed, "wouldn't you rather he was here? I can't stay here all night."
"I know, I... I'd just rather have you here right now." Perl knew how stupid that sounded, and felt embarrassed as soon as she said it.
"I'll be right back," Robin replied. It would be easier to page Dennis out of direct sight of Perl. Looking at her, she suspected it would be harder, if not impossible, to lie to him if she did it here.
* * *
Dennis jumped, nearly falling backward out of his chair as a vidwindow sprang to life before him. He rubbed at his eyes blearily, remembering why he tried to avoid pulling all-nighters. They always left him wiped the next second. A puzzled look crossed his face as he realized who had paged him.
"Robin? Is something wrong?"
"Uh... no. Look, I found Perl. She's... fine. There was a fight after I left, I guess, but she's okay. She didn't want you to make a fuss over it."
He blinked. "Oh... okay. Robin, can I talk to her?"
The Guardian looked away for a split-nano. "She's sleeping... uh, she just wanted me to let you know she's fine and not to worry."
"All right. Well, don't wake her on my account. Did she tell you what the fight was about?"
Anger rippled across the Guardian's face for an instant. "Same old. They didn't take kindly to having a hacker in their midst."
Dennis sighed. "User... I thought we were through with this spam..." He ran a hand back through his already unruly hair. "Thank you for letting me know what was going on, Robin. I appreciate it."
"Yeah... sure. No problem..." Robin trailed off, and the window snapped shut.
* * *
Robin ran a hand over her face wearily, hoping Dennis had bought her story. He'd seemed to - though she almost wished he'd called her on the lie. Lying wasn't something she was programmed for, and it would have been so much easier to just tell Dennis what was going on. *So you can pawn off the problem on him*, she thought bitterly. Part of it was that, she knew, as much as the thought disgusted her, and part of it was that she didn't believe the ruse would last long. Perl was going to have to pull herself together in a hurry if Dennis was to believe it'd only been a bar fight. Robin cast a glance back into the bedroom at the huddled form of her friend. It certainly didn't seem likely.
"Perl?"
The cadet lifted her head slightly, damp hair a tangle over her eyes. "You called him?"
"I told him you'd been in a fight... at the bar. I said you were sleeping. But... that isn't going to last."
Robin shifted uncomfortably. Perl looked so broken lying there, and she wanted to help, but she had no idea what to do. "Maybe... you should see a doctor?"
"No!" Perl pushed herself upright, wide eyes fixed pleadingly on her companion.
"I... I'll be okay."
"Perl - "
"I *said* I'll be fine. I just..." She looked away, biting her lip. "Just... don't leave me here alone?"
"Maybe we should tell Dennis. He can..."
"He can't know," she whispered, hugging herself. Her eyes seemed fixed to a spot on the wall somewhere off to Robin's left. "He would - I'd lose him then, and..."
Tears welled in the hacker's eyes and she swiped at them with the back her hand. "Dennis is all I have..." She turned away, a sob threatening to break free again. She choked it back, unwilling to let Robin see her this way. But holding it together throughout the day seemed to have sapped all her strength. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw shadowed faces in the dark, harsh voices whispering in her ears. A shudder ran through her unsuppressed, a strangled sob escaping as she collapsed back on the bed.
Robin stood frozen, immobilised by indecision. She had to do something to help Perl, but she didn't know what to do. She was also wary of doing the wrong thing, which, given how utterly unsuccessful the majority of her social interactions were, was bound to happen.
Perl just lay balled up on the bed, sobbing into the pillow, wet hair clinging to her shoulders and the back of her uniform. Awkwardly, Robin reached out and rested a hand on the other woman's shoulder.
"Fine. I won't tell him. But this can't go on, or he's *going* to find out anyway."
Perl sniffled, turning her head so she could look at the Guardian out of the corner of her eye. "I'll be okay. I just... it was too hard to pretend all day and I..." She trailed off. "I'll be okay," she repeated, as though if she said it enough times, it would be true.
"Okay," Robin replied hesitantly, removing her hand and backing off. "Why... why don't you get some downtime? I'll just be in the other room..."
She backed off slowly, hand reaching automatically for the light switch as she reached the door, though thankfully, she remembered in time to keep herself from actually shutting them off. Sending Perl into another round of hysterics was the last thing she needed, after all.
She flopped limply onto the battered couch, running a hand through her hair. She would wait until Perl was asleep, and then maybe she could slip out. The whole situation was making her uneasy - she wasn't sure if she could keep the promise she'd made not to tell anyone about this. Even she could see that keeping this a secret was probably the last thing Perl needed. At the same time, her friend had a point. If Dennis ever knew, the consequences would be devastating. He wasn't likely to take the news lying down, and dealing with the situation would mean revealing it to the entire system. And given how disliked Perl seemed... Robin had to admit to herself that she'd probably feel the same were their positions reversed.
"Wonderful time to develop a conscience," she muttered to herself. Deep down, she feared that this was just the beginning of a mess that would have no quick or easy conclusion...
* * *
(To be continued in Inner Demons, Part 3: Fallout)