Chapter 13. Where is he?
"Cassie, is your mum home?"
"Yeah Jess, hold and I'll fetch her."
"Hey Jess, what can I do for you?" Janet's rich warm voice flowed down the telephone line.
"Can I talk to you in confidence?"
"Sure. Hang on." Jess could hear a muted conversation away from the receiver and then a click on the line. "Right, I've sent Cassie away and am now at my desk in full consultation mode. How can I help?"
"Tell me where Jack is."
"I can't do that."
"Janet I'm going out of my mind, it's been three weeks and nothing, nada, zip. It's like Daniel all over again. I know SG1 are back, I saw Sam in town. So where is Jack?"
"What exactly is the problem Jess? You know I can't discuss missions or assignments. What's the real reason for this call?"
"Still in confidence?"
"Totally."
"The night before they left for Antarctica we had a kind of epiphany, Jack and I. It was…amazing. And he promised me as soon as he returned I'd see him, a lot of him. Janet I can't lose both of them, I just can't."
"Aw hell Jess, you don't make life easy for yourself do you? Can I assume by epiphany you mean you slept with him?"
"Yes. And I can't believe it meant nothing to Jack, I know him well enough to be pretty sure that's not his way."
"You're right, it's not," agreed Janet. "Look we can't discuss this over the phone. Can you come over?"
"Sure."
"I'll have the wine uncorked and ready, I think we're going to need it."
Jess had always loved Janet's home. It was a simple family home full of mis-matched furniture and the normal healthy clutter created by two busy women. There was never the slightest sign of masculine occupation (save of course the football, catchers mitt and hockey sticks provided by Jack so he had someone to play with); Jess had never seen so much as a photograph of Janet's ex-husband. Now she knew Cassandra wasn't Janet's natural daughter it did explain a lot. Thirty years living in England amongst normal people (she assumed) and within twelve months of arriving in America Jess was in regular contact with no less than three aliens. Awesome.
Janet met her at the door. "Cassandra is working on an assignment and is under orders to leave us alone. Come on back," she led the way to her tiny study where sure enough standing on the desk was a bottle of chilled wine and two glasses. "Here you go."
"Thanks," Jess accepted a glass and sank into one of the huge armchairs, Janet took the other.
"So, Jack," Janet kicked off. "Good job I was sitting down when you dropped that little bombshell."
"I don't know what happened," Jess admitted. "One minute he was just Jack and the next he was…" she felt a flush of embarrassment creep over her skin as the memory of Jack's body crushing hers was so vivid. "I felt alive again."
"Well you certainly can't mourn Daniel for ever and it's good, normal, healthy that you've moved on. But I certainly didn't see the direction of the move coming."
"Me either. No, that's not strictly true," amended Jess. "I've spent a lot of time with Jack since Cass and I returned from England and feelings were developing on my part. I just refused to acknowledge them because I was pretty sure they would never be reciprocated."
"Jack is a very different proposition to Daniel," Janet pointed out. "Daniel wore his heart on his sleeve, you knew just by looking at him if he was happy, sad, angry. The Colonel is much more self-contained, much deeper despite his outward funny-man act."
"I know, and I also know he's not a man who would say the things he said or do the things he did and not mean any of it. So why didn't he come back with Sam and the rest of SG1?"
"Okay," Janet decided. "I'll tell you what I can. There was an unexpected development during our last away mission."
"You went to Antarctica?"
"Yes. A viral contagion infected us all, Sam, Jonas, Jack and the three resident scientists."
"Well you look okay now."
"We all are, except for Jack," said Janet.
"Dear God he's not dead or worse ascended as well?" demanded Jess, her heart in her mouth.
"Nothing like that," Janet assured her. "He was, however, gravely ill and there is no known cure."
"Why just him, why not all of you?"
"That bit I can't tell you."
"Is he at the base? Will you find a cure? Can I see him?"
"D'you think I would be here if Jack were still on the base? His only chance for survival lies beyond my ability. We contacted the Tok'ra and they have taken him. Blending with a symbiote is the only course of action left."
"Daniel told me that Jack could never bring himself to trust anyone with a snake in their head, well except for Jacob that is."
"Which is true, the Colonel has never been able to hide his distrust of the Tok'ra."
"So?"
"Blending or certain death. I have to admit his acceptance of the Tok'ra offer shocked the hell out of me at the time, I was expecting it to be much harder to convince him. If anyone would have chosen death over a symbiote it'd have been Jack. Maybe I now understand a little better."
"I don't, you're going to have to explain that one to me."
"I'll draw pictures if you like. I think you were the reason."
"Me? Oh!" Jess was mortified. "He wouldn't."
"He would," Janet topped up their glasses. "I have known the Colonel for six years and in that time I can think of only two occasions when he has allowed any woman to get close, and both were more by accident than design. Before you ask no, I will not expand on either. But what I will tell you is that when it comes down to it Jack chose duty over his own feelings each time. This is the only occasion I believe he has put someone else first."
"How long will he be with the Tok'ra?" the need to see him was growing with every one of Janet's words. "Can he come home and resume with SG1 as a Tok'ra host?"
"The Tok'ra have assured us that the arrangement is only temporary and if a willing host can not be found in a reasonable length of time the symbiote will sacrifice itself. And in answer to your second question no, Jack cannot function as a member of SG1 until he is back to normal."
"Will he ever be, you know, back to normal?"
"The sixty four thousand dollar question. Truth is I don't know," Janet replied honestly.
Jess was silent while she tried to adjust to the news Janet had provided her with. It was a lot to take in and a coldness was building within her. What if the blending altered Jack so much that the subsequent unavoidable change in their relationship broke it before they had a chance to find out whether or not it could have worked? Was she destined to lose him too? Had she been a total fool to think this time things might work? Would it be best to call it quits here and now before matters became any more complicated?
"Are you okay?" Janet asked.
Jess nodded, "Just trying to take it all in. God," she buried her head in her hands, "I think I may have made a monumental mess of my life all over again."
"All I can advise is patience. Don't go making any hard and fast decisions until we know all the facts, okay?"
"Doctor's orders?"
"And friendly advice. When I have any news I'll be sure to pass it along."
"Thanks Janet."
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Chapter 14. A visit from an old friend
Christmas came and went, one month ran into the next. Jack was still gone. Jess waited. This wait was a hundred times worse. Accepting that Daniel was gone had been hard but he was gone. Jack wasn't gone exactly, just missing in action, something like that. And when he did come back there was no guarantee he would be the same person after the length of time he'd been host to a Tok'ra. That was the hardest part of all.
Jess trained herself not to look to far into the future, not to make any plans, not to think of the day following the one she was living. It was too complicated and if she let herself start thinking further ahead than the current day she could feel her grip on reality slide.
Then one night she had the strangest dream. The surroundings were impossible to recognise, it was as if someone had gone overboard with the dry ice machine, everything around her was lost in a haze, and she was dressed in… something floaty and white. Maybe this was heaven, she thought, I've died and gone to heaven. How curious.
"Hey Jessie."
She spun round to find… "Daniel! Am I dead?"
"No, you're not dead," he laughed; all warmth and comfort and Jess wanted to wrap herself up in him and forget.
"Where am I?" she asked.
"Asleep in bed in Colorado Springs."
"So I'm dreaming?"
"That's probably the best way to think of it," he agreed.
"I don't usually dress this well in a dream," Jess turned slowly, letting the gauzy material move with her.
"You look beautiful, I hoped you might like it," he smiled and Jess felt her throat tighten and tears sting her eyes.
"Is it really you Daniel? Are you here with me in Colorado Springs?"
"Not exactly. Don't try to understand."
"I think I'm going to cry," she told him.
"Don't please," he stepped instinctively toward her. "I didn't mean to make you sad."
"Then what Daniel?" Jess brushed a tear from her face. "What do you want? Why have you come back to me now?"
"I wanted to tell you it was almost over, you just need to hold on a little longer."
"I don't understand."
"You will. You have so much to live for Jess, your life is just beginning, enjoy every minute."
"I thought my life began when I met you, and I didn't get much of a chance to enjoy that."
"I was just the warm up act so to speak,"
"So why couldn't I just stick with the warm up act?"
"Jess," he looked so sad. "I'm sorry for the way things worked out but believe it or not there is a purpose, it may not always feel like it but there is. You may need to take a leap of faith, take it."
The image was beginning to fade. "Daniel wait, don't go, dammit Daniel don't you leave me alone. Daniel!"
Jess woke with a start back in her bed and already the substance of her dream was fading, leaving nothing more than an intense sense of loss that all she could do was roll over, bury her face in the pillow and for the first time since Jack went away Jess gave vent to all her pain, anguish and despair, crying herself back to sleep.
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Chapter 15. He's back.
"Jess, any chance you could come up to the base?"
"Sure Janet, problem?"
"Cassie's here and in need of a ride back to town. I'm kinda caught up in something and can't get away."
"No problem. Half an hour."
Jess pulled on her coat and let herself out of the apartment. Beyond the warm building the temperature seemed stuck well below zero even though February was almost finished. Roads were useable with care and she took her time climbing the winding road to the base. Once there she found security expecting her and a quick trip down in the elevator deposited her on the infirmary level.
Cassie met her in the corridor and placing a finger to her lips to indicate quiet led Jess into a small viewing room with one wall made entirely of glass, giving an uninterrupted view of the room below.
"Oh my God!" Jess breathed and moved closer to the window.
Below in a solitary bed and surrounded by various pieces of medical technology lay Jack. His eyes were closed and even in sleep he looked far from relaxed. Jess turned to Cassie, "When? How?"
All Cass could do was shrug, she had no idea. "Mom says you can visit with him for a minute. General Hammond and everyone else are busy just now. Want to go down?"
"Please," Jess replied.
Cass was an old hand at finding her way around the base and in moments she opened the door to Jack's room. "I'll go find mom," she said in a whisper leaving Jess alone.
Jess moved toward the bed and as she did his eyes slid open, almost as if he'd sensed her presence.
"Hey kid," his voice was a little rusty.
"Hey Jack. Had me worried."
"Me too."
"Are you going to be okay?"
"Doc says so and I've never known her be wrong."
"I missed you," Jess said. "You probably don't need to hear this right now but I missed you Jack O'Neill."
Jack reached out and tugged her closer, his hand running up her arm and into her hair, drawing her face to his. Jess brushed her lips against his and heard his breath catch.
"Missed you too kid."
"Are you… you? What I mean is…"
"There's no snake in my head."
"Gone?"
"Ran out on me the little bastard."
"But it cured you?"
"You could say."
"So long as you're going to be okay, that's all that matters." Jess ran her fingers lightly over his face, tracing the contours, the bone structure, the arch of his eyebrows. "I can't believe you're really back. I was starting to think you'd joined Daniel." Jess felt him flinch and couldn't understand why. His eyes were closing, she watched him fighting sleep and knew it was time to go. "Get yourself better fly boy, you still owe me."
His lips twitched, "I'd almost forgotten you were holding that marker."
"You'd better be ready when I call it in. Take care of yourself Colonel O'Neill."
"And you Jessie Pallister, and you."
From her vantage point in the observation room Sam couldn't hear what was being said. She didn't need to. Just watching the Colonel's hand slide up into that funny coloured hair had said it all. As Jess ducked to kiss him goodbye the Styrofoam cup in Sam's hand finally gave in to the force she was exerting on it and scalding hot liquid soaked through her fatigues.
"Godammit," she hissed. "First you snare Daniel and now the Colonel. What is so special about you lady? Why can't you go back to your own country and leave my men alone."
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Chapter 16. Go fish Colonel.
"I'm fine General."
"I have a report on my desk Colonel that says otherwise."
"Do I look crazy to you? Okay so maybe that's not the best question. There's no need to remove me from active duty."
"I am standing you down Colonel. You are on leave until such time Doctor Fraiser tells me you are fit to resume your duties."
"This is so unnecessary General. It was just one little moment, I was provoked, it could have happened to any of us, it could have happened to you. Okay, probably not to you."
"You put two Marines in hospital Jack. Go, go fishing and don't come back until whatever it is that is causing you to act out is resolved. And that's an order."
Jack turned and stormed out of the General's office, slamming the door and headed off the base. Fine. If they didn't want him around he wouldn't be around. They'd be beating a path to his door soon enough, and maybe he'd come back maybe he wouldn't. Fishing sounded pretty good, let someone else save the planet for a change, it was too long since his last trip to Minnesota.
Janet felt as though she were caught between a rock and a hard place. On one side she had Jess, hurt and confused by Jack's non subtle avoidance tactics, he had made it all too clear since that one visit to the infirmary he wanted nothing more to do with her. On the other she had Sam maintaining a frigid silence around the Colonel and acting pretty frosty in Janet's direction as well. Her conclusion was that somehow Sam knew about Jess and Jack and was mad as hell. Regulations were fine so long as both parties remained celibate and didn't instead turn to someone else. She'd been pretty much the same following the Colonel's enforced stay with Laira on Edora. Jack had broken her unspoken rules. The problem was intensified by the fact Jack seemed to be having serious regrets about getting involved with Jess. It was so out of character. Jack didn't sleep with a woman and then drop her with no decent explanation offered. Something was out of whack. Until the conflict came to an end Jack would be sidelined, Sam would be frigid and Jess would be hurting. Janet had to plot a course through the emotional minefield to put it all right.
"Doctor Fraiser have you seen this latest psychological report on Colonel O'Neill?"
"I know he threw Doctor Shephard out General," Janet replied.
"What in the hell is wrong with him?"
"My belief is that something else happened during his imprisonment, something he hasn't talked about to anyone, and until he does I'm afraid Colonel O'Neill will not be fit to resume his duties."
General Hammond sat back and thought about the doctor's assessment of the situation. She had never been wrong before. Jack was too important a member of the SGC to write off without a fight.
"What would you advise doctor?"
"He needs to face up to whatever it is he is trying and failing to repress."
"How do we make him do that?"
Janet smiled, "I may have an idea on that sir."
"And?"
"It's a little unconventional and involves a civilian."
"You believe this is the best course of action?"
"Yes sir, I believe it is."
"Very well. Let me know how it goes."
"Yes sir."
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Chapter 17. MinnesotaAt the airport Jess bought a detailed map of the state, signed for her rental car and hit the road. She still wasn't convinced Janet's plan had any chance of success. Go to Jack, bug the hell out of him, do whatever is necessary, provoke him, whatever it takes to get him to finally reveal just what happened during his time in captivity.
Jack had been taken prisoner. While she was moving through her days and wondering just why he hadn't returned Jack was being systematically tortured to death and then revived by some wonder of alien technology only for it to start all over again. No wonder he was messed up. Just thinking about it made tears sting her eyes. The sheer enormity of what he'd been put through, it was something no man should be forced to suffer. Imprisonment and even torture was one thing, to die over and over, it was a wonder he was sane at all. For the first time Jess could actually grasp the danger all the SG teams faced every time they took that first step into the unknown.
Minnesota. Land of 10,000 lakes sure was pretty. It helped. Made the drive interesting, lots to look at to pass the time and stop her worrying what she might be heading into. Which was fine until she turned off from the highway onto the rough track leading (she hoped) to his cabin. There was a small town some five miles back with a motel if her journey turned out to be a monumental waste of time. Jess crawled down the track, fearful for the little car's suspension; doubtless Jack's truck had been designed with rough terrain in mind. Lucky Jack. Jess was beginning to lose all feeling from the waist down as she bounced from rut to rut. You'd better be pleased to see me, Jack O'Neill.
The first thing Jack noticed as he rounded the corner of the cabin, carrying the day's catch for his supper was the car. Ordinary car, ordinary colour, had to be a rental or a bureaucrat. His money was on rental. The next thing he focussed on was her hair, or rather the sinking sun setting her hair on fire. The intensity of colour, the red-gold haloing her face, it was breathtaking. And it was longer, way past her shoulders, long and loose and beautiful. With a jolt Jack realised how long it was since he'd seen her (one brief visit to his hospital bed not withstanding).
"Hey Jack, caught enough for two?"
"Why are you here?" he knew he sounded gruff and rude, there was nothing he could do about that.
"Had a craving for fresh caught fish and remembered you waxing lyrical about this place," she indicated the cabin and surrounding scenery. "Thought I might find out if it is as good as you made out."
"And is it?"
"The track's nasty, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have some serious bruises. I could murder a beer."
"What makes you think I have beer?"
Jess frowned at him, the sun was moving from her hair and she no longer looked like an angel. "Jack O'Neill without a cold beer in the fridge is like bread without butter."
"A beer coming right up," he almost smiled. "There are seats round back, make yourself comfortable while I deal with these (the fish)."
To the rear of the cabin Jess found a creaky old swing seat and an even rattier director's chair so she opted for the swing. In the silence she tried to analyse the Jack O'Neill she'd just met. He looked old and that appalled her. Jack would never be old; he was a man who made grey hair look sexy, who still moved like a man twenty years his junior. Not anymore. He clearly hadn't shaved since leaving Colorado Springs two weeks previously. He'd lost weight, the bones of his face stark beneath the stubbly beard. Even those rich brown eyes looked defeated. Jess could see the need for Janet's crazy plan to work, it had to work, they had to find a way to pull Jack back from where ever he was currently stuck.
"Here you go."
"Thanks," Jess smiled up at him, in the dusk some of the strain on his face was lost but he still looked as though he hadn't had a decent night's sleep in forever.
"So why are you here?"
"I told you," Jess replied.
"Now tell me the real reason."
"Everyone's concerned about you. I'm on vacation so it was easiest for me to travel here, and when Janet asked me for my help I was more than happy to."
"You planning on staying?"
"Teal'c told me you have two bedrooms, he says the room is a little small to 'kelnoreem' comfortably, but I have no idea what that is and therefore no intention of doing it. So yes I'm planning on staying."
"I came here to be on my own," Jack pointed out.
"And I came here to be with you. Get used to it."
"I'm not good company, hell I don't even like my own company right now so don't be expecting sparkling conversation."
"I don't expect anything. No," Jess corrected herself. "I do have certain expectations."
"Which are?"
"Not for sharing. So fly boy, are those fish cleaned? I know a great way of cooking them but I can't do the icky bit."
Despite his determination not to show any sign of pleasure in her appearance Jack had to laugh, "All clean and ready for you ma'am."
"Excellent."
One thing Teal'c hadn't told Jess was how uncomfortable the bed in the tiny bedroom was. She refused to think about how old the mattress must be to have formed itself into a surface resembling that of the moon. In spite of her bad night she hadn't heard Jack leave the cabin yet the entire place was deserted when her need for coffee became too strong to ignore any longer.
By the harsh light of day Jess got her first good look at the cabin. The evening before, lit only by a couple of oil lamps (the basic electricity supply didn't run to lighting), most of the interior of the cabin was lost in shadow. When she stepped out of her bedroom Jess found herself wishing it still was. Okay, coffee first, plan second. Or better still head for town, find a diner and combine coffee and planning somewhere clean and wholesome. Much better idea.
Fortified by a huge breakfast and several cups of great coffee Jess returned to the cabin, the trunk of her little car full of cleaning equipment and enough food to see them through a siege.
When Jack returned at sunset he stood in the doorway and wondered how he'd managed to drop into an alternate reality without the aid of one of those pesky mirrors. This could not possibly be the same cabin he left that morning. It was… clean. Every inch of the place gleamed, there were new throws on the chairs; cheerful rag rugs on the wood floor, there were even curtains at the windows.
Jess was working in the kitchen area, her bright hair tied back in a ponytail to keep from getting in the way. In front of her were large juicy steaks and the makings of a salad. Hooked along a clothes airer in front of the cabinets appeared to be every shirt, t-shirt and pair of jeans he owned, all cleaned and pressed.
"I didn't know I had an iron," was all he could think to say.
"You didn't," said Jess with a broad smile that threatened to take his breath away. Dammit how could she look that good after spending a day scrubbing his home from top to bottom? (Answer a shower shortly before he arrived). "I've had to make two trips into town so far today."
"There was no need for any of… this," his gaze swept the room.
"Yes there was. If you are planning on being here for any length of time at least I know you're living a little better."
"I wouldn't be here at all if the Doc and General Hammond would just lighten up."
"Or alternatively if you would let go and talk to them. You have to release your burden Jack."
"Would you stop!" he yelled, surprising himself and shocking the hell out of Jess. The all too familiar phrase brought it all rushing back and his control was fraying. "I have no burden to release. How many times do I have to tell you people!"
Jess said nothing but Jack could tell his outburst had hurt her. He ploughed on regardless. "All I need is to get back to work, get busy, save the planet again, kick some alien butts and I'll be fine."
"Will you?" Jess's eyes were brimming with tears and he felt a complete bastard.
"Hell yes, absolutely fine."
"And absolutely alone. Is that what you want Jack? To be the ultimate military killing machine, living solely for the job, no friends, no life, no anything beyond being a soldier? Sounds like a lonely existence to me."
"Works for me. That way I hurt no-one and no-one hurts me, yep, sounds pretty damn good."
"You sad, sad man."
"Look lady I don't have to take this from you or anybody. If you don't like it leave, there's the door, use it, don't let me stop you. Have a good life."
"Excuse me." Jess picked up her car keys and headed out. Jack made no move to stop her. She was right, he was better off alone, he should be grateful she finally understood exactly where he stood. So how come it hurt so much?
Trying to find her way down the rough track in the pitch dark with hot tears blurring her view and the inadequate headlights barely lighting the way ahead was a recipe for disaster. Failing to negotiate a particularly deep rut something broke under the car and it shuddered to a halt. Pounding her hands against the steering wheel Jess reeled off every profanity she knew and even a few she surprised herself by knowing. Wrenching the door open she stood by the car and screamed as loud and as hard as she could.
"Feel better for that?" a warm, gentle voice invaded the silence.
"What?" Jess jumped.
"Hey Jess."
"Daniel? What are you? Why are you? Daniel?"
"It's me," he took human form right in front of her.
"Now is not a good time for me," is all she could think to say.
"Actually that's why I'm here."
"It is? You are here? I'm not just hallucinating?"
"I am here," he assured her.
"Well that's a relief, I thought maybe I was finally losing it big time."
"You sound like Jack," he joked. Daniel studied her. "You look great."
"Thanks. So do you, which I still find pretty weird. What is it like, being the way you are now?" Jess's curiosity got the better of her.
"Oh Jess it's amazing, I've seen such things, I wish I could show you, it's an incredible place this universe of ours."
Jess leant against the car hood, "Are you happy?"
"Happiness is relative don't you think? I'm happy I was given a second chance, I'm happy I'm not dead, but when I see something wrong, something evil and can't interfere then I'm not happy."
"You can't interfere?" she was surprised.
"We operate a strict 'hands off' policy."
"Oh," Jess rubbed her arms, aware suddenly of being dressed only in a t-shirt and the temperature had dropped dramatically with the onset of night.
"Are you cold?" Daniel asked, concerned.
"A little," she admitted. "Could do with a hug."
"Sorry," Jess could hear genuine regret in his voice, "Non corporeal body and all."
"Ah."
"I would if I could. There are some things being made up of energy really can't compensate for," there was a hint of a twinkle in his eye. "Hugging you comes high on that list."
Jess smiled despite her earlier despair, "I can't believe just how much I've missed you Daniel Jackson."
"Likewise Jessie Pallister. Now, about my being here tonight, which strictly speaking is not in keeping with the non interference policy."
"Yes, I was going to get round to asking you about that," she said. "Once I'd got my head round being able to talk to you again."
"I know."
"You can read minds now?" Jess looked wary.
"Not read, more sense a persons intentions. Don't feel so uncomfortable, I'm very proud of you."
"You are?"
"Over the past months life has dealt you some pretty cruel blows but you've always fought back, you've always found a way through, you always come out the other end stronger. Yes of course I'm proud of you."
"Thanks, I think."
"So what are we going to do with Jack?" Daniel asked.
"You know…?" Jess was mortified.
"We go where our lives take us. You did the right thing. Jack needs you, he needs you to help him put his life back together again. He can't do it on his own. He needs that inner strength of yours."
"What exactly happened to him? What is it he refuses to talk about to anyone?"
"Only Jack can tell you that," Daniel glanced round. "Time's up. Stick with it Jess, I promise it'll be worth it. He needs a great woman and you're the greatest I know." Daniel began to fade. "I love you Jessie."
"I love you too Daniel. Come back soon."
"Count on it."
Jack's truck lights illuminated the night sky. He drove past her crippled car, turned the truck around and rolled to a stop. So the feeling he'd had that she needed rescuing had been right. Weird.
"I'm cold, I'm pissed as hell with you and I'm starving. So unless you have something warm and an apology I'm not interested," Jess told him bluntly.
Jack climbed from the truck carrying one of his sweaters. "Here."
"Thanks," Jess pulled it on. "And?"
"I'm sorry, I was completely out of order shouting at you. It's not you I'm mad at it's me. I had no right to take that out on you."
"Not bad," she told him. "Okay, I forgive you."
Jack smiled, "Want a lift?"
"That'd be good, I think I killed it," Jess indicated the car.
"So I see. I'll get it towed tomorrow. Come on. Let's go home."
Supper over, Jess curled up in a corner of the couch and watched Jack as he washed and dried all the dishes (his additional punishment for being such a jerk). He hadn't talked much since they returned; now all she had to do was try to find a chink in his armour and get inside.
"Do you think we might talk without falling out this time?" she asked.
"Tricky."
"Come and sit with me," Jess patted the couch by her side, "Let me be near you for a while."
"Maybe I should shower first, I'm not as fresh as I might be."
"Stop running away. It's okay that you don't want to sleep with me again, I think I've just about accepted that it was clearly some kind of monumental error on your part, I haven't quite figured what I did wrong to make it that way but I'm not going to let it eat away at me anymore." Jess held her hand out to him. "Let's at least try to be friends. My life is too dull and quiet without you in it."
"I wish I could explain," Jack took her hand, rubbing his thumb over the smooth flesh. "I used you and I feel bad about that."
"I didn't exactly make it difficult for you to use me, I wanted you pretty bad, I still want you, that will never change. You're sexy as hell, you have a fabulous smile and the best eyes in the world, and when I'm with you I feel safe, safer than I've ever felt in my life."
"Jess don't," Jack dropped her hand and backed away. "I can't be what you want me to be."
"I think you're wrong about that but I'm in no mood to argue any more tonight. Tonight I just want to be here with you."
"No Jess, I'm sorry, no." Jack turned abruptly and headed for the bathroom. With a sigh Jess uncurled from the couch, blew out the candles and headed for bed. She'd just have to keep on trying.
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Chapter 18. At last, the truth
Jess woke with a start. Her room was still dark, morning was some hours away. So what had woken her? There was a noise. Jess sat up, wide-awake. Was it Jack? She listened again. Nothing. Creeping out of bed Jess cut through the living room and opened his bedroom door as silently as possible. Nothing. Maybe she'd imagined it. But as she was there… Jess moved further into the room and stole a moment just to watch him sleep, to look at him for more than a few fleeting seconds which it seemed was all he was willing to allow these days. For four days Jack had faded in and out, never around long enough for Jess to get a fix on, barely long enough for her to speak to let alone feed. He was like the wind.
Well that was new; he'd shaved and looked like he'd had his hair cut in town as well. Better. Taking an interest in his appearance had to be a good sign.
"No!" Jack cried and almost jack-knifed out of bed. Jess froze to the spot. "Daniel you have got to make it stop. I can't go through that again." Jack twisted and turned, clearly deeply distressed and in the grip of a nightmare. His calling out must have been what woke her in the first place.
"Jack," Jess sat on the edge of the bed and smoothed his hair. "It's okay, you're safe now, you're home."
"Daniel!"
"No lovey it's me, Jess. I need for you to wake up now," Jess spoke a little more firmly and stroked his face. "Wake up Jack, time to get out of your dream."
"Jess?" Jack struggled to wakefulness, "What? Jess?"
"It's me and you're safe and well in your own bed in your beloved Minnesota. You were having a bad dream is all."
"I was still there," his voice caught. "Jeez, you have no idea what it was like."
"I'd like to learn," Jess stretched out beside him and Jack found comfort in her proximity. "Tell me."
"It was the knowing," he said eventually. "Knowing that when I heard them coming for me I was going to die and then I would wake in that… coffin and it would all start over." He closed his eyes in total despair. "I've been held captive before, hell I've been tortured plenty enough but never like that, knowing my body was going to fail and be brought back over and over."
Jess gathered him in her arms the way she would comfort a child and held him as the worst of the shivers passed. Jack had to let go; he had to share this burden with somebody before it consumed him completely.
"No man should be made to suffer the way you did," she ran her fingers through his hair, rubbing his back, trying to make him relax, fell safe wrapped in her unconditional love. "I won't let them get you again I promise. Try and sleep again, I'll stay with you."
"You don't need to do that," he raised himself and looked down at her. "You've done enough already by being here."
"I want to help Jack, I want to do this, I will do this, even if Daniel hadn't stuck his oar in I would still be doing this."
"Daniel!" Jack's eyes flew open. "What do you mean Daniel?"
"You'll think I'm crazy."
"Tell me."
"The night I wrecked the car on that hideous track, Daniel and I had a long talk."
"He was here?" now Jack scooted away from her. "What did he tell you?"
"That I was doing the right thing in trying to help you even if you weren't exactly the easiest person to help. He wants to see you happy, I think he wants to see me happy too." Jess watched him draw further and further from her both physically and emotionally. What the hell was going on inside him? "What is it that makes you so uncomfortable with me Jack? What have I done so wrong? I honestly thought the night we spent together meant something to you, I know it did to me. And yet look at us now," she rounded on him, rising to her knees and letting him see for the first time a glimpse of her hurt and anger. Dammit why shouldn't she be cross, he couldn't even bear to be in the same room as her for more than a few minutes, she had every right to be good and pissed at him and maybe it was time for some of that to come out. "You used me Jack O'Neill and that's something I swore I'd never let happen again, but there you were full of such bullshit and fool that I am I fell for it. God you must think me so stupid, so easy, so gullible. A couple of clever lines and I'm on my back for you. Daniel told me you were a good man, Janet, Cassie, they all think you're worth redeeming. Am I the only one who's beginning to wonder if you haven't in fact just taken us all in. Because I'm not sure any more just what kind of man you are. I came here to help, I was prepared to put up with your mood swings, I wanted to make you whole again. At this very moment I don't actually think you're worth my time or my effort. Well fine, Jessie Pallister had just woken up to reality. You carry on fighting your inner demons but count me out."
Jess had reached the bedroom door when Jack tackled her, sending them both tumbling to the floor.
"Get off me," she fought him, which was pretty futile. "Jack you're scaring me," Jess was forced to admit as he held her down, an unreadable look on his face, grip as hard as steel. "Please Jack."
"I can't be with you the way I want to be because of Daniel," he said through gritted teeth. "Do you think I feel proud of the way I treated you?"
"I assumed that night was an aberration on your part and I'd been shut away in another of your emotional boxes to be stored on a shelf next to Sam," Jess told him bluntly.
"For cryin' out loud," he closed his eyes to keep her from seeing the pain her words were causing. "The only ONLY reason I agreed to having that 'thing' in my head was because I wanted to live more than anything at that moment. I wanted to walk out of the base and go home to you. I was making plans down there in Antarctica, I was actually looking forward to the future." He rolled away from her suddenly and covered his face with his hands, curling his body into a tight ball of misery. Jess lay silent, watching, waiting. It had to be now.
"And then I woke up into some gothic horror movie, the snake was gone and I was completely alone. He used me to rescue Shaylin and she didn't even recognise him and believe me that hurt the little bastard. But she had to be safe before he'd relax his complete hold over me. The pain Jess, the pain was… there aren't words to describe it," he fell silent as he relived the torture in his mind. "And then one time they took me back to my cell and there he was."
"Daniel?" she asked quietly.
"Daniel. Come to help me. What a laugh. Couldn't break me out, couldn't steal me a zat, but he could help me to ascend. Some choice."
"Why didn't you?" Jess edged closed and for the first time since her arrival at the cabin Jack turned to her for comfort. With his head cradled on her breast he continued. "If I can't be alive, completely alive, eating, breathing, sleeping, then I want to be dead. Not stuck in some in-between place. Existing as energy, I mean, what is that?"
"It seems to be working out for him."
"I am not Daniel."
"I know that. Daniel never scared me."
"I'm sorry," Jack's fingers curled around her wrist. "It wasn't intentional."
"I know … now," Jess smiled to herself. "So tell me more of your time with Daniel."
"There isn't much to tell, we talked, we argued, I tossed my shoe through him, the usual. At one point I asked Daniel to help me end it, to make sure the next time I died I stayed that way. He wouldn't do that either."
"And I'm very glad he wouldn't," said Jess.
"It just went on and on. Then he went away, I don't know how long for, but I rather think he found a loophole in the non interference policy."
"I rather think he did," Jess agreed. "That must have been around the first time he came to me. I didn't get it at first, I thought he was just being overly cryptic, he told me it was almost over and I had much to look forward to. Days later came the call to let me know you were home."
"So I'm not the only one he's been bugging," said Jack wryly. "Gotta love him."
"I think I get it now," the light was dawning for Jess. "You are running away from me because of Daniel."
"Don't sound so surprised. What else can I do? Daniel is still very much around and a part of your life as well as mine. I have absolutely no place trying to come between you."
"Oh Jack, why didn't you tell me this when you first got back, I'd have understood why you were rejecting me."
"I'm sorry. It would have meant having to tell the doc and all the others that I'd been helped to stay sane by a big ball of energy. I had a feeling they might show me the door pretty quick if I tried that one."
"Daniel should not be an issue," said Jess. "Do you think if he minded so much our being together he would have told me you were coming home or encouraged me to help you? He left me Jack, when you had the choice you chose life, he chose ascendancy knowing it would involve leaving me behind. And I have accepted his decision, the least he can do is accept when I feel the time is right to move on with my life, which I'm pretty sure he has." As Jess spoke the words a tremendous sense of peace filled her, she knew she was right. "I know he has."
"See now I don't get that. How can you know?"
"I can feel it, like he's whispering in my mind."
"You mean he's right here right now?" Jack shot away from her and pressed himself to the farthest wall.
"No I don't mean he's here with us. Oh, right, so there's that as well. You'll always be expecting him to drop by."
"It's what he does. I look at you I find myself wondering where he is. Is he in the room with you, is he watching you, is he watching me touch you?"
"You want me to extract a promise from him, something along the lines of he'll ring a bell or something to warn us of his imminent arrival? Could you get past this block of yours if you had his word?"
"Just having to ask is admitting to him that I want to sleep with his girl, that I want to do those things he can't anymore and that makes me uncomfortable."
"I'm way too tired for this," Jess yawned and rubbed her eyes. "I need to sleep. We'll work things out better in the morning. Come to bed."
"With you?" he looked horrified.
"No, with Teal'c. Get in bed Jack and that's an order."
"Gee I just love it when you get all masterful," he said with a faint grin.
"Good, now get in bed," Jess crawled under the covers and eventually Jack joined her, keeping as much distance between them as he could.
"I promise not to bite," she said sleepily. "And I would very much appreciate a cuddle after the alarms and excursions of tonight."
"I can't," his voice tight, emotions barely under control.
Jess reached out and touched his arm, her fingers moving slowly upward and then across his chest. She could feel his heart beating furiously, the tension in all his muscles; the man was wound so tight it was a wonder he didn't snap. Moving closer Jess kissed his shoulder and settled next to him, slowly relaxing her body, limb by limb, willing sleep to claim her. When Jack finally sighed deeply, turned and spooned his body against hers Jess knew he'd taken a huge step forward. She linked her fingers through his and drifted away, safe in his arms.
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Chapter 19. The morning after
Jack woke slowly from the deepest most trouble free sleep he'd enjoyed in weeks. As his eyes came into focus they took in the riot of glorious colour on the pillow beside him, all that silky hair, the gentle curve of her cheek, the creamy skin of her shoulder visible where the jacket of her pyjamas had slipped and the light smattering of freckles on that smooth skin. Jack could picture so clearly the way that soft warm body had moved against him. He had lived the moment over and over during the trip to Antarctica, he could still remember with such clarity every second they had spent together.
He wanted that again. If he could only get past the idea of Daniel dropping by at inopportune moments. Was he just using Daniel as an excuse to keep her at arms length, to make sure he couldn't hurt her any more and she could never hurt him? Probably. Was it likely Daniel would choose the very moment he and Jess …? Unlikely. Did he still want her? Unbearably.
Jack touched her shoulder and Jess turned toward him without opening her eyes. The hair on his chest tickled her face making her smile. Jack watched her, she was beautiful and she could be his.
"I'm going to head home today," Jess said, eyes still closed against the reality of morning, her breath moving over his skin.
"Oh," not what he'd been expecting. "Okay.
"Just okay?" she opened her eyes and looked up at him. "Is that the best you can manage, okay?"
"I can't make you stay," Jack reasoned.
"This is true. Don't you want to know why?"
"I kinda guessed you'd tell me whatever I said."
"Well for that I may not," Jess stretched lazily. "Remember the marker I still hold?" she teased.
"Now is not a good time," Jack closed his eyes and tried to stay calm.
"Seems a shame to let something so extraordinarily scrumptious go to waste."
"Scrumptious," he laughed despite his fragile mental balance. "I thought only people like Mary Poppins used words like that."
"Actually it's from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, "Jess corrected. "Truly Scrumptious. And sometimes living amongst you colonials I like to exert my Britishness." While she had been talking Jess had been running her fingers experimentally across his body, feeling his stomach muscles tense under her touch. "Tell me you don't want me," Jess kept on stroking those firm abs. "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't to make love at this very moment and I'll stop, I'll go and I'll respect your decision."
"Jessie," Jack took her face in his hands and she fell into those magical brown eyes. "I want you, I will always want you. If I could only sort my head out."
"Stop trying so hard. Love me fly boy, I'm calling in my marker." Jess touched her mouth to his, lips parted and Jack couldn't stop his tongue exploring, remembering her delicious taste. How could he resist such a rare prize?
This time Jack was determined to take her the distance. There were stars, there were fireworks, there was an entire heavenly choir. No kidding.
Hot bodies clung together. Someone started to laugh, gently at first and gradually building, drawing in the other until they were helpless, caught in a crescendo of pure happiness.
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Chapter 20. The airport
The airport was smaller than many Jack or Jess had visited, but an airport non the less. Busy and impersonal, departures and arrivals boards, check-in gates, coffee shops and newspaper stand.
"I still don't get why you're going home now?" Jack said, sounding thoroughly fed up. Mind blowing sex and she was still leaving him.
Jess slipped her hand in his, "Because I have to."
"No you don't."
"Yes I do."
"No…"
"Shut up," she pressed her mouth to his and a single kiss was enough to make them both dizzy. "I'm going home," she told him patiently once she was sure her voice would cooperate, "Because it's down to you now. You have to decide, you have to choose just what it is you want. And you can't do that with me around. Take your time, work out what it is you want to do with your life." Jess touched his face lovingly. "Do you want to stay in Minnesota, retire from the programme and spend your days fishing? Or do you want to come back to Colorado Springs, tell Janet exactly what happened to you, how Daniel was involved, get yourself a clean bill of health and go back to work? Do you want more of that amazing hot sex as much as I do?"
"Yes. Now."
"Jack."
"You expect me to figure all this out on my own?" he looked horrified.
"I'm hoping I've already helped you towards your decision, the last bit shouldn't be so hard."
"Last call for flight 1203 to Colorado Springs," the tannoy system rang out.
Jess wrapped her arms around him. "I care deeply for you Jack, I want more than anything to stay but it has to be this way. Look after yourself fly boy, and this morning was… the best."
"Stay with me Jessie," he held her tight.
"Come home to me," she replied.