Chapter 4

The Heart-Poundingly Suspenseful Climax of DOOM! Doom... Doom... Doom... Doom... Doom...

"Wow, Sam! That Jhonen Vasquez guy sure uses words like 'doom' a lot..."

"I know, Max! And he repeats words often... and has a tendency to speak like a 3rd-grader who flunked English class!"

"You mean like when he writes things like 'he's crazy! Like some kind of crazy thing that's all crazy!'?"

"Exactly!"

"I think it points to brain damage. Or stupidity. Probably stupidity."

"You're a bitter rascal, Max."

As the two lovable morons chattered on endlessly, Johnny (the Homicidal Maniac) looked up from the corner of the room where he was currently moping and wondering why life was so cruel. Standing up and heading toward the gruesome two-person torture unit that the dog and rabbity thing were strapped into, Johnny muttered "I see you two are finally awake..."

"Most likely," Sam quipped in his happiest voice ever, "Judging by the searing pain I'm receiving from these impossibly tight harnesses. After all, one isn't supposed to be able to feel pain in dreams."

Nny narrowed his eyes threateningly. "How can you be so sure about that?" he hissed. "How can you be so sure that your whole life isn't nothing more than a dream in the mind of a seriously disturbed person?"

"Check out the skinny guy, Sam!" Max said, "Somebody thinks he's a philosopher!"

"SHUT UP!" Johnny screamed, shoving his face right up to the two of them. "JUST SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE #$$!"

"Whoa!" coughed Sam, "Personal space, please!"

Max sniffed at Johnny for a second, then announced "You smell like tacos!"

Leaning back a little, Johnny began ranting while his eyes darted around uneasily. "You people... You're all the same... Whether human or... dog... rabbity... rabbity... dog... thingies... I don't know what you are... But STILL! You're all the SAME! ALL THE #$, #$, #$ING SAME!"

"I like his big, glassy eyes, Sam!" Max whispered.

"Ignorant little THORNS!" Johnny continued, not hearing him, "SPITEFUL, HATEFUL little DEMONS! Cannibals who can only cease the incessant grumbling of their $#ing stomachs by preying on their own KIND!"

"... I can see myself in them!" the lagomorph giggled.

Johnny was now huddled on the floor, sobbing violently into his hands. "You don't understand..." he whimpered, "You don't understand how much it hurts..." Suddenly, he glared hatefully at the freelance cops and wheezed "But you don't CARE, do you? NO! You don't GIVE A #$ING #$ ABOUT HOW WE FEEL! ABOUT HOW I FEEL!"

"Not really," Sam interrupted, "But we would like to get this job done soon, so can you hurry this along?"

Laughing bitterly, Johnny wheezed "You arrogant #$..." as his trademark unsettling sneer covered his face. "You stuck-up, self-absorbed, arrogant pup..."

"Hey, now I haven't been a pup for years now..." Sam complained.

"I'M TALKING HERE!" Johnny shrieked, brandishing a large knife.

Max blinked and turned his head (as best he could) to look at the blood-stained wall behind Johnny.

"Nice paint-job!" Max announced, "Sam, we should go for that look in our office!"

"Are you sure it won't just look like we're trying to to imitate the bloodstains on Flint's walls, little buddy?"

"Nahhhhh..."

"Hmm?" Johnny blinked and turned to look at the Wall. "Oh yes..." His eyes narrowed again. "That... That Wall... That's the reason I do this, you know..."

"Ramble on endlessly in barely-intelligable self-important speeches not unlike something one would find in a morbid teenager's diary?" Sam suggested.

"Yes... I MEAN NO!" Johnny whirled around and brandished his knife at Sam again. "It's the reason I kill..." Johnny's left eye twitched as Max was heard saying "I kill just for fun, myself." Continuing, Nny said "...You see... There's something... Some kind of Wall Monster behind that wall. That's why I need the blood. The blood keeps it away... But when the blood dries, the wall gets soft and the Moose... He tries to get out..."

"Moose?" Sam tilted his head.

"Oh, that's um... something I call the Wall Monster sometimes..."

Max's beady, evil little eyes narrowed as he ranted "WHAT IS WITH THIS VASQUEZ GUY AND MOOSES? AND TACOS? AND BEES? ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGH! I SWEAR I'LL KILL 'IM WHEN WE GET OUT OF THIS!"

"Don't mind Max, Mr. Homicidal Maniac," Sam said calmingly as Johnny blinked in confusion at Max, "Max is known to make regular death treats at cartoonists. Why, back in '94, he made an attempt on Chuck Schultz' life!"

"That 'Charlie Brown' kid knew too much..." Max explained in an angry hiss.

"Oh." Johnny blinked for a moment. "Well, I'm gonna' kill you guys now, okay?"

Max shrugged. "Kay..."

As Nny reached extremely slowly for the controls (because that's how things always happen in these dramatic moments), Sam said in a hushed voice, "Well, little buddy... I think this is really it. This just might be the end of the Freelance Police..."

"Here, Sam," Max said, handing Sam a photograph after somehow freeing his hand from its harness. "I always wanted you to have this..."

"Aw, gee, little buddy," Sam sobbed, now holding the photo with an equally mysterious free hand, "You really are a little softie..."

Max pointed happily at the photograph and laughed. "Heh, yeah... Lookit the handlebar mustache I drew on Richard Nixon..."

"Hehe... I like the bug-antennae you drew on Kissinger..."

"Ex-CYOOSE me!" Nny snorted irritably, "You're really being QUITE rude! Do you think you could at least ACT afraid?"

"Afraid?" Sam laughed, "We're too darn ignorant to be afraid of most things, right Max?"

Max giggled. "There's a silverfish crawling on my foot!"

Suddenly, due to the collision of the highly volotile illogical realities of both comic series, a horrible pan-dimensional portal opened inexplicably and the Wall Monster burst forth. Snarling and moaning from its countless mouths, the beast snatched Johnny in one hideous tentacle and--

"WOW! LOOKIE, SAM! IT'S OL' SKIPPY THE DEMON!"

The Wall Monster blinked and looked reprehensibly at Sam & Max.

"Skippyyyy..." Sam reprimanded, "What do you think you're doing?"

Skippy grumbled apologetically.

"No 'buts,' Skippy!" Sam said, "You know full well that you're already in enough trouble for tormenting those nice people at the grocery store... So if you don't want to be grounded, you go back home right now and stop making Mr. Johnny kill people!"

Skippy grumbled, trying to prove his case.

"DO YOU WANT ME TO BITE YOU, SKIPPY?" Max bellowed.

Skippy shrieked and faded away into nothingness, leaving Sam & Max and a very confused Johnny C.