Chapter Two: And It Gets… Weirder
BOOM! There were shocks to my feet as I landed on cold, hard dirt. I fell over onto my hands (and that's how I know it was cold dirt.) I stood back up and wiped my hands off on my blue jeans… that were no longer blue jeans.
"Capri pants? Why does everything have to be so weird today? Sarah?" I looked around. She was nowhere in sight. "Great! Just great! You make a stupid wish, I'm whisked to another planet, undressed by morons and put in different clothes and now I'M ALONE!" I couldn't see myself but I knew I was wearing a loose fitting white shirt and a strip of fabric sufficing as a bra. Was I wearing underwear? What's your definition of underwear? My shoes were just brown pieces of leather tied over to look like shoes.
Decidedly, I would kill Sarah the minute I found her, no questions asked. My hair wasn't even in a ponytail anymore; instead it was in a braid. Someone had touched my hair too. That person would pay in blood. I mumbled nonsense words under my breath and trudged along the forest. Too many trees. Yuck. I hated everything with a sudden vehemence had never before felt.
SNAP!
I whipped around as I heard the snapping (that's what SNAP generally signifies, but anyway) of a twig or something.
"Sarah?" I tried to say, but it barely even came out as a squeak.
"Katie? Thank God it's you!" It was a very masculine voice.
"Who are you?!"
"Oh jeez… I am Sarah, I promise… but… well…." The bush I was staring at suddenly revealed who it was hiding. A short, bearded man stepped out.
"Sarah?! You're… you're Gimli!"
"I am?! That's why I have such a thick beard!"
"Am I still Katie?" I asked, worried. What if I had turned into Legolas or someone?
"Yes, but your clothing is not your own." She/he said gruffly.
"That much I'm aware of. Are you okay?"
"I think so. I just… well… I've never been a guy before."
"Me neither." I tried not to laugh at my ex-best friend. Perhaps she had been punished enough, being a guy and all. "I wonder what book we're supposed to be in."
"I wish I had read them." Sarah sighed.
"If you only had… but you know what this means, don't you?"
"What?"
"Legolas is a bit fruity."
"Oh no! This… this… NO! NO, NO, NO!!"
"I told you Sarah, but did you listen? No, you are a stupid wench."
"What am I going to do?" Sarah ran forward and grabbed my shirt, looking up into my face. I felt suddenly tall. On an instinct, I puffed my chest out and stood up taller. "Stop it." And she slugged me in the stomach.
"OOF! That was vicious, you stinking dwarf." I rubbed my tummy gingerly.
"GIMLI! WHERE ARE YOU LADDIE? We have yet to get to Rivendell!"
"One of your companions, Gimli." I whispered cruelly. "Well, if you're still getting to Rivendell maybe Gandalf or Elrond will know what to do."
"First I have to make out with Legolas." Sarah said fervently.
"Puh-leeze." I rolled my eyes. "You're not still on about him, are you? He's gay! That's supposed to be a TURN OFF!"
"You've never had a boner before, Katie. It's a different feeling."
"Yuck, Sarah. What made you think I wanted to know this?"
"A little friend hiding in my pants wants to say hello." Sarah giggled in a dwarfy way.
"Gimli?!" And there was some babble in a foreign language.
"Wow! I actually understood that!" Said Sarah in amazement.
"Wow! I actually didn't!"
"I'm over here! But I met a girl who needs a… company or something to travel with to Rivendell." Sarah shouted. "Bloodity yud-yud narf kilky shpoolif marky noofy Rivendell!"
"You just made that up." I hissed.
"No I didn't!"
"Yes huh."
"Nyuh uh."
"Yeah huh."
"Nyuh uh." The only way to resolve this issue was with maturity:
"Yes huh infinity I win you lose I'm right you're wrong so ha, ha, ha."
"Damn you shpoolif."
"What is shpoolif?"
"Girl."
"Ooh, you can't even swear in your body's native tongue."
"Garchonarfo."
"And that means?" Sarah grinned evilly at me.
"It means *censored because it is a very bad word indeed, not good for virgin eyes, no indeed*."
"Sarah, you bad garchonarfo."
"You don't have the right accent."
"Who is this shpoolif, Gimli?" Ten more dwarves had come into our clearing.
"Her name is..." Sarah looked at me, trying to decide whether to embarrass me or not. I ground my foot into hers. My shoes left much lethalness to be desired. "Dominique Shakira Thayet Alanna."
"But everyone calls me…."
"Claidi-ba-ba." What the devil is she doing?!
"Well, Claidi-ba-ba… it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I am Gimli's father, Glóin."
"Please, Claidi-ba-ba is a name for strangers. Call me Bob." SHOOT! WHY ON THE BLESSED NAME OF BOLONEY DID I SAY THAT?! BOB?! Great. Life sure was going uphill lately.
"Then Bob, you are also on your way to Rivendell to seek refuge there I suppose?"
"Perhaps." I shrugged, not knowing how to answer.
"Then let us make haste, for our kingdom is in peril. You may take a horse." Glóin waved his hand towards a squat horse that seemed more interested in sniffing other horses rear ends than in making a first impression. Typical horse behavior. "He's a bit feisty, but you'll get used to him." I tried to mount him but I fell off into another horse which immediately reared and trampled a dwarf while running madly around the forest. The dwarf had shrunk to the size of a peanut and was shaking.
"Ah, no, it will take a lot of water to bring him back to normal size." Glóin shook his head. "We fear rearing horses above all other things and you, oh foolish one, have inflicted the curse of the peanut onto my companion. You can ride the larger horse and… well… Flagodirt son of Flagosmirt will ride in my pocket. Perhaps my sweat shall revive him."
(A/N: I will continue and I want everyone to know that any loopholes that are in the story *muah hahaha* trust me, I know what I'm doing. Thanks for all the reviews, they're delicious.)