BUNION, LIFE ON THE STREET
*TRUE STORIES FROM THE FILES OF HAIRY CANKLE*
SEASON 1 EPISODE 1
OPEN SCENE ON A DUSTY LIBRARY. COUNTLESS ROWS OF BOOKS LINE THE WALL FROM FLOOR TO THE HIGH VAULTED CEILING THAT RISES THIRTY FEET IN THE AIR. LIGHT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. THUNDER CAN BE HEARD FROM OUTSIDE AN ABSENT WINDOW. A SMALL GENTLEMAN IS PERCHED IN A LARGE LEATHER CHAIR. HE IS SIPPING BEER FORM A HUGE GOBLET MADE OF GOLD.
The gentleman sets down the goblet and picks up a small book with a pewter dragon's foot attached to the front cover. He gives a stern and majestic look into the camera.
THE JUDGE Greetings. I am the Judge. I was once the proud leader of a small group of thirteen prophets known as the Oracles. I, along with my twelve brothers and sisters watched over this once peaceful land. We were sent out into the world to shed light to the sub-humans. We were the protectors of truth. We were the watchers, the commentators, the seekers of light. Today, sadly, I am the only Oracle left.
I wait here in my solitude, waiting for those that seek the truth.
Today, I will dispense a tale for you. It is the story of the Oracles.
THE JUDGE BEGINS HIS TALE AS THE SCENE FADES INTO A LARGE ROUND BUILDING. A DOME HAS BEEN BUILT OVER THE RUINS OF A CHURCH.
THE JUDGE (V.O.) It began shortly after evil was banned from this place. Strangers being drawn to a center. We only knew each other by the look in our eyes.
CAMERA PANS BACK TO SHOW THE FULL DOME. BEHIND THE DOME IS A CITY IN COMPLETE CHAOS. STREETS ARE TORN TO PIECES, BUILDINGS ARE FALLING APART. SMOKE AND STEAM RISE FROM VARIOUS PLACES AROUND THE CITY. FROM THE DISTANCE A FEW MOVING BODIES CAN BE SEEN CLIMBING AND CRAWLING. THEY ARE ALL MAKING THEIR WAY TOWARD THE DOME.
CUT TO ASTROGIRL RUNNING INTO MR RADIO.
ASTROGIRL Holy shit. I didn't think there was any one else alive.
MR. RADIO (To himself) ROCK! A chick (To Astrogirl) Hi... I'm Brian.
SHOW DIFFERENT CHARACTERS GATHERING IN FRONT OF THE DOME, SHAKING HANDS AND TALKING.
THE JUDGE (V.O.) The meetings were all very cordial and filled with excitement. The events that took place in the weeks before were tragic. Some had thought it was the end of the world. Few were left, and those that were left were scarred.
ASTROGIRL Does anyone know what went on here.
DREAMER Well... I know this sounds crazy, but I had a dream about it. It was some fucked up battle. Whatever it was tore the shit out of the entire city and killed a fuck ton of people.
MR. RADIO (To himself) Rock... another chick.
STAINS What the fuck are you babbling about you stupid cunt?
THE JUDGE Now, hold on a minute. I had a dream that was something like that last night as well.
STAINS Look you fuck stick... I was there... I know what happen. These fucking "chronics" or what have you killed off the Darth piece of shit. Fuckers been holding me back for years.
HENRY THE DOG What the fuck is this guy's problem?
007 He seems to be pissed off that his lover got all blowned up.
HENRY THE DOG Nice hair helmet.
007 Piss off mutt.
A VOICE IS HEARD COMING OVER A PILE OF RUBBLE
NIKKI D Jeezus K-Rist almighty, what the fuck happened here?
MR. RADIO (to himself) Another chick... this is my lucky day.
BUNNY ONE Well... as far as me and the twins have figured out... all these yahoos seemed to have had a dream about some mystical fight betwixt good and evil and it ended here in a huge ka-boomie.
STAINS Hold the fucking phone... excuse me... Mr. Writer... just what the fuck are you doing... this is really getting stupid. Do you really think you're being funny?
FLIPPER (from the audience) Fuck off, at least you get a fucking part. I got bumped for the fucking bunnys!
STAINS Not to mention you suck.
THE JUDGE Look ya'll. Far be it from me to try to be the voice of reason... but it seems we all came to this particular spot for the same reason.
STAINS Kinda like CA's on a Friday night... you came to see the same fucking show AGAIN and get really drunk while hanging out with your fat fucking friends.
GHETTOSTRIPPER Some one had a huge bowl of pissed in wheaties for breakfast this morning.
BUNNYS Wheaties with tinkles shall prove tremendous.
007 Great... riddle talking rabbits, smart ass dog, a pissy fag, and a gathering of freaks that had a strange dream. Not to mention, I'm out of hair gel... I knew I was gonna get sent to hell for that shit in Mardi Gras.
SEQUENCE OF SHOTS SHOWING THE GROUP REBUILDING THE CHURCH, GETTING A GARDEN SET UP, A FEW OF THEM LAUGHING, A FEW ARGUMENTS.
THE JUDGE (V.O.) Despite their differences, they tolerated each other. Most of them understood that it was the only way they would survive the next few months. I was the most likable and best looking of the bunch, so naturally they chose me to be the leader.
Just between you and me though... it was a close race with that stupid dog, luckily the mutt pissed on a few shoes.
THE GROUP IS GATHERED OUT FRONT OF THE COMPLETED CHURCH. SMILES ARE ON THEIR FACES... EVEN THE MOST ANGRY OF THE GROUP FEELS A TINGE OF HAPPINESS.
THE JUDGE Well folks... in light of this being a church, and this small group being sort of... I dunno... like oracles or something... I present to you... The Temple!
THE JUDGE (V.O.) We went out looking for other survivors. We found quite a few. Most of them had no recollection of any of the events that occurred.
We spent years searching for answers to piece it all together. We educated any one that passed by.
After five years, we had finally pieced everything together... we discovered it started in the medieval ages... and ended in a tragic battle that took place on this holy ground.
Before we could record all of the information into books, the temple was attacked.
ODD CAMERA ANGLE OF THE GARDEN WITH A GROUP OF THE ORACLES WORKING. THEN SHOW A GROUP OF KIDS IN BLACK COATS COMING OVER A PILE OF THE RUBBLE. (QUE "DEAD BODIES EVERYWHERE" BY KORN)
The attackers open fire and start blowing shit up.
THE JUDGE (V.O.) All of the Oracles lost their lives that day, except for me. I was the only one who escaped with my life. It was a bloodbath of terror. The temple was destroyed.
SHOW JUDGE SITTING IN HIS CHAIR TAKING A SIP FROM HIS GOBLET.
THE JUDGE (CONT'D) I know they will come for me. I can only hope that I can somehow pass this information onto a worthy soul before that day comes. Until then, I'm just going to sit around here and drink my beer.
THE DOOR OPENS UP AND 30 NAKED CHICKS WALK IN AND SURROUND JUDGE.
THE JUDGE (CONT'D) You know... It ain't so bad!
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL CREDITS
*Special thanks to Jaffe for the Title!
SEASON 1 EPISODE 1
OPEN SCENE ON A DUSTY LIBRARY. COUNTLESS ROWS OF BOOKS LINE THE WALL FROM FLOOR TO THE HIGH VAULTED CEILING THAT RISES THIRTY FEET IN THE AIR. LIGHT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. THUNDER CAN BE HEARD FROM OUTSIDE AN ABSENT WINDOW. A SMALL GENTLEMAN IS PERCHED IN A LARGE LEATHER CHAIR. HE IS SIPPING BEER FORM A HUGE GOBLET MADE OF GOLD.
The gentleman sets down the goblet and picks up a small book with a pewter dragon's foot attached to the front cover. He gives a stern and majestic look into the camera.
THE JUDGE Greetings. I am the Judge. I was once the proud leader of a small group of thirteen prophets known as the Oracles. I, along with my twelve brothers and sisters watched over this once peaceful land. We were sent out into the world to shed light to the sub-humans. We were the protectors of truth. We were the watchers, the commentators, the seekers of light. Today, sadly, I am the only Oracle left.
I wait here in my solitude, waiting for those that seek the truth.
Today, I will dispense a tale for you. It is the story of the Oracles.
THE JUDGE BEGINS HIS TALE AS THE SCENE FADES INTO A LARGE ROUND BUILDING. A DOME HAS BEEN BUILT OVER THE RUINS OF A CHURCH.
THE JUDGE (V.O.) It began shortly after evil was banned from this place. Strangers being drawn to a center. We only knew each other by the look in our eyes.
CAMERA PANS BACK TO SHOW THE FULL DOME. BEHIND THE DOME IS A CITY IN COMPLETE CHAOS. STREETS ARE TORN TO PIECES, BUILDINGS ARE FALLING APART. SMOKE AND STEAM RISE FROM VARIOUS PLACES AROUND THE CITY. FROM THE DISTANCE A FEW MOVING BODIES CAN BE SEEN CLIMBING AND CRAWLING. THEY ARE ALL MAKING THEIR WAY TOWARD THE DOME.
CUT TO ASTROGIRL RUNNING INTO MR RADIO.
ASTROGIRL Holy shit. I didn't think there was any one else alive.
MR. RADIO (To himself) ROCK! A chick (To Astrogirl) Hi... I'm Brian.
SHOW DIFFERENT CHARACTERS GATHERING IN FRONT OF THE DOME, SHAKING HANDS AND TALKING.
THE JUDGE (V.O.) The meetings were all very cordial and filled with excitement. The events that took place in the weeks before were tragic. Some had thought it was the end of the world. Few were left, and those that were left were scarred.
ASTROGIRL Does anyone know what went on here.
DREAMER Well... I know this sounds crazy, but I had a dream about it. It was some fucked up battle. Whatever it was tore the shit out of the entire city and killed a fuck ton of people.
MR. RADIO (To himself) Rock... another chick.
STAINS What the fuck are you babbling about you stupid cunt?
THE JUDGE Now, hold on a minute. I had a dream that was something like that last night as well.
STAINS Look you fuck stick... I was there... I know what happen. These fucking "chronics" or what have you killed off the Darth piece of shit. Fuckers been holding me back for years.
HENRY THE DOG What the fuck is this guy's problem?
007 He seems to be pissed off that his lover got all blowned up.
HENRY THE DOG Nice hair helmet.
007 Piss off mutt.
A VOICE IS HEARD COMING OVER A PILE OF RUBBLE
NIKKI D Jeezus K-Rist almighty, what the fuck happened here?
MR. RADIO (to himself) Another chick... this is my lucky day.
BUNNY ONE Well... as far as me and the twins have figured out... all these yahoos seemed to have had a dream about some mystical fight betwixt good and evil and it ended here in a huge ka-boomie.
STAINS Hold the fucking phone... excuse me... Mr. Writer... just what the fuck are you doing... this is really getting stupid. Do you really think you're being funny?
FLIPPER (from the audience) Fuck off, at least you get a fucking part. I got bumped for the fucking bunnys!
STAINS Not to mention you suck.
THE JUDGE Look ya'll. Far be it from me to try to be the voice of reason... but it seems we all came to this particular spot for the same reason.
STAINS Kinda like CA's on a Friday night... you came to see the same fucking show AGAIN and get really drunk while hanging out with your fat fucking friends.
GHETTOSTRIPPER Some one had a huge bowl of pissed in wheaties for breakfast this morning.
BUNNYS Wheaties with tinkles shall prove tremendous.
007 Great... riddle talking rabbits, smart ass dog, a pissy fag, and a gathering of freaks that had a strange dream. Not to mention, I'm out of hair gel... I knew I was gonna get sent to hell for that shit in Mardi Gras.
SEQUENCE OF SHOTS SHOWING THE GROUP REBUILDING THE CHURCH, GETTING A GARDEN SET UP, A FEW OF THEM LAUGHING, A FEW ARGUMENTS.
THE JUDGE (V.O.) Despite their differences, they tolerated each other. Most of them understood that it was the only way they would survive the next few months. I was the most likable and best looking of the bunch, so naturally they chose me to be the leader.
Just between you and me though... it was a close race with that stupid dog, luckily the mutt pissed on a few shoes.
THE GROUP IS GATHERED OUT FRONT OF THE COMPLETED CHURCH. SMILES ARE ON THEIR FACES... EVEN THE MOST ANGRY OF THE GROUP FEELS A TINGE OF HAPPINESS.
THE JUDGE Well folks... in light of this being a church, and this small group being sort of... I dunno... like oracles or something... I present to you... The Temple!
THE JUDGE (V.O.) We went out looking for other survivors. We found quite a few. Most of them had no recollection of any of the events that occurred.
We spent years searching for answers to piece it all together. We educated any one that passed by.
After five years, we had finally pieced everything together... we discovered it started in the medieval ages... and ended in a tragic battle that took place on this holy ground.
Before we could record all of the information into books, the temple was attacked.
ODD CAMERA ANGLE OF THE GARDEN WITH A GROUP OF THE ORACLES WORKING. THEN SHOW A GROUP OF KIDS IN BLACK COATS COMING OVER A PILE OF THE RUBBLE. (QUE "DEAD BODIES EVERYWHERE" BY KORN)
The attackers open fire and start blowing shit up.
THE JUDGE (V.O.) All of the Oracles lost their lives that day, except for me. I was the only one who escaped with my life. It was a bloodbath of terror. The temple was destroyed.
SHOW JUDGE SITTING IN HIS CHAIR TAKING A SIP FROM HIS GOBLET.
THE JUDGE (CONT'D) I know they will come for me. I can only hope that I can somehow pass this information onto a worthy soul before that day comes. Until then, I'm just going to sit around here and drink my beer.
THE DOOR OPENS UP AND 30 NAKED CHICKS WALK IN AND SURROUND JUDGE.
THE JUDGE (CONT'D) You know... It ain't so bad!
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL CREDITS
*Special thanks to Jaffe for the Title!