Chapter Three: Onto Rivendell
The larger horse, if anything, was damn near impossible to mount. The fat horse didn't help either, snickering at me in its evil way. I was informed by Glóin that he was bred in Rohan where the "finest horses were found." The fat turd of a horse had been given as a sign of goodwill to Glóin after he farted loudly at dinner. He was embarrassed and apologized but (to shut him up, I expect) they told him it was nothing and to take a horse as a sign of their friendship. It was a fat turd horse, probably representing their unhappiness with the fart.
It took the help of three dwarves to lift me onto the horse; one pushed the other two stood around the horse to keep me from tumbling off. The fat turd horse bit one on the rump and started wheezing with laughter as he clenched his hands to his bum and ran around cursing. (He said the bad word, garchonarfo.) Glóin took a long stick and beat the horse until it shut up. It still laughed on occasion, driving everyone to the edge.
Sarah and I rode in the back talking quietly as possible about our… situation.
"It your fault you know." I said as she started whining about how unlucky she was. "When you obsess over gay fictional characters it's bound to happen."
"What if… what if Legolas is a girl or something?"
"Then you're just as screwed." Then I asked, "Do you remember your exact wish?"
"I wished not to get pregnant or STDs but I wanted to make mad love to Legolas."
"Ooh, bad move. You're stuck with an elf that you're going to make mad love to and if Legolas is a guy… do you know what that kind of 'mad love' is called?"
"That's disgusting. I don't even want to go there. Oh dear God, I'm going to barf in a moment!" She clenched her Gimli hands to her mouth and her eyes bulged.
"You look really weird you know. I just want you to be aware of this."
"AGH! I can't take this body! It's so short!"
"You were always short, Sarah. Now you're just… well… shorter."
"The worst part is that I think my boobs are bigger now than they were at home."
"WHAT?! You have man-boobs?"
"Yeah, it's really gross."
"Sweet boloney I feel for you."
"You have no idea…." She started but I had collapsed into laughter on my horses back. The fat turd pony eyed me suspiciously before joining in the evil laughter. The horse I rode turned a bit and bit my nose.
"OW! You dumb mammal. I hate you." The fat turd pony continued laughing in its sadistic way. My horse bit the pony then. It whinnied and ran to the head of the procession. "On second thought, you're my new best friend." The horse snorted at me but I sensed it was somewhat pleased. I pat him on the neck. I rode up to Glóin who turned to face me. "How long 'til we reach Rivendell?"
"We'll be there today, if the weather stays nice." As if on queue it began to pour. Great, just what I needed. The horse shook his flanks and I was sprayed by his mane. "Well, it's not that bad and we are very close." There was a popping sound. "AHHH!" Glóin fell off of his horse as the dwarf in his pocket grew to normal size.
"Ah! That's much better!" Flagodirt stretched but forgot he was standing on someone. "Sorry there Glóin! Thanks for carrying me this far."
"No problem, comrade of mine." Glóin rubbed his chest. Flagodirt looked at me.
"Get off the horse now lassie. You get on the pony." Oh no. I jumped off the horse that then nuzzled me. I shuttered as I approached the fat turd pony. Did I see a flash of teeth? It GRINNED at me like the sadistic nut it was! Sarah looked down at me.
"Aren't you going to mount it?" She asked quietly.
"This is dangerous. Don't you know what kind of pony it is? The evil fat turd pony!"
"Just get on it. I want to get to Rivendell and change back into… well… me."
"Right." After the tall horse I thought the evil fat turd pony would be a piece of cake but, being an evil fat turd pony, it knew exactly how to shift and make me fall off. Then it looked at me very hard, face muscles tensed and I expected only the worse. "Nice horsy… good pony…." Fat evil turd pony's face relaxed and I was able to mount. Then the fat evil turd pony moved a little forward and sat, causing me to slide off… into a pile of steamy yuck. I stood and screamed, rubbing myself against a nearby tree. "THAT'S IT HORSE! YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL MY WRATH!" It continued to laugh at me until I slapped it very hard on the behind. (A/N: it's an evil fat turd pony so any animal abuse that takes place in this story is okay. And only the evil fat turd pony will endure any cruelty because it deserves it.)
My best friend (the horse) came over and bit the evil fat turd pony on the ear. I thanked the good horse and the evil fat turd pony finally let me mount it. (I did so grumbling but the stinking twit of a beast didn't pull any other stunts.)
I smelled the dung around me and the wet horses and dwarves (who liked to fart a lot.) Sarah wouldn't ride very close to me any more because I smelled so dung-like. It was, of course, all her fault that I smelled like this at all. She was indirectly responsible for me riding the evil turd pony (that had now lived down to its name.) And then the party stopped in front of a rather magnificent town.
"Welcome to Rivendell, lads! And lass, of course." Glóin opened his arms. As the company sighed he tumbled off of his horse and whacked his head on a rock, knocking himself out despite the helmet. The dwarves lifted him up and took him to Rivendell so that Elrond could revive him.