Bunions, Life on the Streets
*From the Files of Hairy Cankle*
Season 1 Episode 3
Guest Writer: Nos
FUCK!
The Judge is sitting in his library sipping beer from his golden goblet. He smiles at the camera, as the thirty nude women paw at him.
The Judge Today, the Judge here has got a story of pure violence. Viewer discretion is advised. Please. enjoy.
Scene fades to a dusty gas station.
The sky was black with smoke. Dusk was approaching, and the blackness grew deeper as two figures leaned against the side of a boarded up gas station, dressed in black clothing and raided police vests. A chill came up, and blew their trench coat in that awesome "We've got cool trench coats" kind of way as they looked at the far off fire which blazed at a former resistance headquarters. A fire which they had recently set.
The little shit piss operations which dared to oppose the New Government were nauseatingly numerous. Rebels that couldn't let go of their old oppressors, and embrace the young government that they should have been helping to create.
"I'm telling you, man, Tyler is a robot."
"I just don't see it." Nos took a drag off his cigarette.
CPK looked at Nos. "C'mon. Durden? Digital Unit Responsible for Destruction and Efficient Nullification?"
"Gas is done, Chili." CPK walked over to the Jeep, removed the hose, jammed it open again, and tossed it on the ground.
"Well, he is pretty good with that crazy-ass bow. But that's nothing. Christ man, you ventilated that guys head today."
CPK jumped in the jeep. "He swore at me."
"Your too fucking uptight about swear words. They're just words." Nos jumped into the drivers seat, flicked his cigarette towards the gas pouring on the concrete, and took off.
"It's a sign of lowered intelligence."
Nos laughed. "Shut the fuck up."
The gas tanks exploded behind them.
Streets were a bitch. They were filled with the rubble of old war, and you had to swerve all the time to avoid crashing into an inconveniently hard boulder, because the car would persist in breaking with you in it. Dusk faded into night, and the air became foggy. Nos could hardly see the road in front of him.
"Let's meet up with the others, they probab-- HOLY SHIT." One of those inconveniently hard boulders materialized in front of the jeep. Nos swerved onto the side of the road, and nearly flipped the vehicle on it side. They rolled to a stop.
"Nice driving."
CPK was looking at the area. "Listen bitch, the only reason we aren't dead is my fucking driving, so I'd appecia--.. what the hell are you staring at?"
"There, I can see some lit cave or something." Nos followed CPK's pointing finger to the dimly lit section of fog. It did, indeed, look like it was in some sort of cave.
"Rebels?"
"This close to the road? I don't know." CPK paused for a moment. "I'm going to check it out." He jumped out of the jeep, grabbed his rifle, and started off.
"Alone? What am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know. Kill something." CPK disappeared into the fog.
"Good idea. Brain cells, I'll kill brain cells... now where is that pipe?"
CPK reached the entrance to the cave, observing the strange markings. They lined the all walls of the tunnel entrance to the cave, and only seemed to repeat the same ten characters. "Uf2by3fmdz... It doesn't seem to mean anything." Glancing into the dim light towards the far end of the tunnel, he sighed, and continued to walk further. "Nothing to do but continue."
In the darkness, he heard a gurgle.
CPK stopped. "...Gurgle??"
The darkness answered him. "Gurgle."
"Gurgling is bad. I want to meet nothing that gurgles."
The darkness responded with a defiant and somewhat overconfident, "Gurgle."
"I'm getting out of here." CPK turned around, and came face to face with a creature so horrifying, that it cannot be described in this story without the author being responsible for many lawsuits and angry letters from responsible parents.
The author would like to take this opportunity to blame everything on Crowd.
CPK screamed in horror, and fired his rifle like a man gone mad. He ran backwards as the creature ran towards the flurry of gun fire. "God! Die! Dear God! Just die! AHHHHH" Concentrating his fire in one part of the creature, he fired until he had made a large wound. The creature continued to chase him. Still running backwards, he grabbed a grenade off his vest, lunged forward, and punched the grenade into the terror's stomach. It gurgled in pain as CPK hauled ass, forward this time, into the depths of the cave.
From behind him, he heard the terrible, gurgling explosion.
When he finally stopped to look around, he found himself looking at a woman sitting in a chair, writing in a small book.
"Um," He aimed his rifle at the woman. "Before I kill you, could you tell me what that thing was that I just blew up?"
The woman perked her head out of her book. "Ah! It's you! I've been waiting for you, you know. You're awfully late."
"Right... I'm going to kill you now, ok?"
"Wait! Wait! Listen to my poetry first. That's why you came."
"No."
"Ok, listen: 'Valentine Hearts, paper lace, glitter dreams.'"
CPK body stiffened. He dropped his rifle, and fell to the ground.
"Oh! You like it! Here you go: 'straddle the fence, read your map, sit in judgment - where's the X?'"
CPK screamed. More poetry. Screamed. More poetry. Screamed.
Nos heard an explosion. An explosion.. as the world had exploded with stupidity and apathy. When people had become useless sheep to him, who could not think for themselves. They were ridiculous sheep, whom did not deserve to bask among a man such as he. They were tied to their socially and economically acceptable lives, driving by a consumerist madness that brough--
Wait.
Nos heard an explosion, jumped out of the jeep, and ran to the cave. Inside the tunnel leading towards the lighted area, he stepped on something that made a wet gurgling sound. In fact, it was smeared all over the walls.
This is when he heard the screaming.
Nos ran into the lighted chamber, to discover CPK writhing upon the ground, and a strange woman speaking something. "What the hell is going on. YOU. WOMAN. What are you speaki--" Nos could hear her now. "POETRY. GOD." He pulled his pistol and shot her in the face.
CPK continued to writhe upon the ground. Nos ran over to him. He considered shaking him, to bring him out of it, but he was already doing that, so it seemed sort of pointless. He decided to kick him a few times. CPK suddenly stopped, and starred at him.
"FUCK."
"...What??"
"FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK HOLY FUCK FUCK."
"Dear God, what has she done to you?" They looked at her. She still breathed.
"Fuuuuuuuuuck!" CPK jumped to his feet, ran to her, and proceeded to claw out her insides, until he made a husk out of the woman.
"Holy shit. That was awesome."
"Fuck right."
"Okay, that's weird, but let's get out of here."
"Fuck."
Back at the jeep, Nos radioed the rest of the team. "Hey, Chili, Beastiegirl says we've got some shit going down in Miami. Should be fun... are you sure you're alright?"
"Yes. I'm all-fucking-right. Fuck."
"Uh... alright man. Let's go"
The jeep peeled out into the fog.
Fade to black. Roll credits.
Season 1 Episode 3
Guest Writer: Nos
FUCK!
The Judge is sitting in his library sipping beer from his golden goblet. He smiles at the camera, as the thirty nude women paw at him.
The Judge Today, the Judge here has got a story of pure violence. Viewer discretion is advised. Please. enjoy.
Scene fades to a dusty gas station.
The sky was black with smoke. Dusk was approaching, and the blackness grew deeper as two figures leaned against the side of a boarded up gas station, dressed in black clothing and raided police vests. A chill came up, and blew their trench coat in that awesome "We've got cool trench coats" kind of way as they looked at the far off fire which blazed at a former resistance headquarters. A fire which they had recently set.
The little shit piss operations which dared to oppose the New Government were nauseatingly numerous. Rebels that couldn't let go of their old oppressors, and embrace the young government that they should have been helping to create.
"I'm telling you, man, Tyler is a robot."
"I just don't see it." Nos took a drag off his cigarette.
CPK looked at Nos. "C'mon. Durden? Digital Unit Responsible for Destruction and Efficient Nullification?"
"Gas is done, Chili." CPK walked over to the Jeep, removed the hose, jammed it open again, and tossed it on the ground.
"Well, he is pretty good with that crazy-ass bow. But that's nothing. Christ man, you ventilated that guys head today."
CPK jumped in the jeep. "He swore at me."
"Your too fucking uptight about swear words. They're just words." Nos jumped into the drivers seat, flicked his cigarette towards the gas pouring on the concrete, and took off.
"It's a sign of lowered intelligence."
Nos laughed. "Shut the fuck up."
The gas tanks exploded behind them.
Streets were a bitch. They were filled with the rubble of old war, and you had to swerve all the time to avoid crashing into an inconveniently hard boulder, because the car would persist in breaking with you in it. Dusk faded into night, and the air became foggy. Nos could hardly see the road in front of him.
"Let's meet up with the others, they probab-- HOLY SHIT." One of those inconveniently hard boulders materialized in front of the jeep. Nos swerved onto the side of the road, and nearly flipped the vehicle on it side. They rolled to a stop.
"Nice driving."
CPK was looking at the area. "Listen bitch, the only reason we aren't dead is my fucking driving, so I'd appecia--.. what the hell are you staring at?"
"There, I can see some lit cave or something." Nos followed CPK's pointing finger to the dimly lit section of fog. It did, indeed, look like it was in some sort of cave.
"Rebels?"
"This close to the road? I don't know." CPK paused for a moment. "I'm going to check it out." He jumped out of the jeep, grabbed his rifle, and started off.
"Alone? What am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know. Kill something." CPK disappeared into the fog.
"Good idea. Brain cells, I'll kill brain cells... now where is that pipe?"
CPK reached the entrance to the cave, observing the strange markings. They lined the all walls of the tunnel entrance to the cave, and only seemed to repeat the same ten characters. "Uf2by3fmdz... It doesn't seem to mean anything." Glancing into the dim light towards the far end of the tunnel, he sighed, and continued to walk further. "Nothing to do but continue."
In the darkness, he heard a gurgle.
CPK stopped. "...Gurgle??"
The darkness answered him. "Gurgle."
"Gurgling is bad. I want to meet nothing that gurgles."
The darkness responded with a defiant and somewhat overconfident, "Gurgle."
"I'm getting out of here." CPK turned around, and came face to face with a creature so horrifying, that it cannot be described in this story without the author being responsible for many lawsuits and angry letters from responsible parents.
The author would like to take this opportunity to blame everything on Crowd.
CPK screamed in horror, and fired his rifle like a man gone mad. He ran backwards as the creature ran towards the flurry of gun fire. "God! Die! Dear God! Just die! AHHHHH" Concentrating his fire in one part of the creature, he fired until he had made a large wound. The creature continued to chase him. Still running backwards, he grabbed a grenade off his vest, lunged forward, and punched the grenade into the terror's stomach. It gurgled in pain as CPK hauled ass, forward this time, into the depths of the cave.
From behind him, he heard the terrible, gurgling explosion.
When he finally stopped to look around, he found himself looking at a woman sitting in a chair, writing in a small book.
"Um," He aimed his rifle at the woman. "Before I kill you, could you tell me what that thing was that I just blew up?"
The woman perked her head out of her book. "Ah! It's you! I've been waiting for you, you know. You're awfully late."
"Right... I'm going to kill you now, ok?"
"Wait! Wait! Listen to my poetry first. That's why you came."
"No."
"Ok, listen: 'Valentine Hearts, paper lace, glitter dreams.'"
CPK body stiffened. He dropped his rifle, and fell to the ground.
"Oh! You like it! Here you go: 'straddle the fence, read your map, sit in judgment - where's the X?'"
CPK screamed. More poetry. Screamed. More poetry. Screamed.
Nos heard an explosion. An explosion.. as the world had exploded with stupidity and apathy. When people had become useless sheep to him, who could not think for themselves. They were ridiculous sheep, whom did not deserve to bask among a man such as he. They were tied to their socially and economically acceptable lives, driving by a consumerist madness that brough--
Wait.
Nos heard an explosion, jumped out of the jeep, and ran to the cave. Inside the tunnel leading towards the lighted area, he stepped on something that made a wet gurgling sound. In fact, it was smeared all over the walls.
This is when he heard the screaming.
Nos ran into the lighted chamber, to discover CPK writhing upon the ground, and a strange woman speaking something. "What the hell is going on. YOU. WOMAN. What are you speaki--" Nos could hear her now. "POETRY. GOD." He pulled his pistol and shot her in the face.
CPK continued to writhe upon the ground. Nos ran over to him. He considered shaking him, to bring him out of it, but he was already doing that, so it seemed sort of pointless. He decided to kick him a few times. CPK suddenly stopped, and starred at him.
"FUCK."
"...What??"
"FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK HOLY FUCK FUCK."
"Dear God, what has she done to you?" They looked at her. She still breathed.
"Fuuuuuuuuuck!" CPK jumped to his feet, ran to her, and proceeded to claw out her insides, until he made a husk out of the woman.
"Holy shit. That was awesome."
"Fuck right."
"Okay, that's weird, but let's get out of here."
"Fuck."
Back at the jeep, Nos radioed the rest of the team. "Hey, Chili, Beastiegirl says we've got some shit going down in Miami. Should be fun... are you sure you're alright?"
"Yes. I'm all-fucking-right. Fuck."
"Uh... alright man. Let's go"
The jeep peeled out into the fog.
Fade to black. Roll credits.