(A/N I apologize for having the dwarves ride horses, that was dumb of me. Oh well, the evil fat turd pony must be in this story or I won't have it! Thanks for all the great reviews, they are quite amusing. I'd like to explain that I was once also obsessed with Legolas and liked him until my cousin recently came out of the closet and declared that he was smitten with the elf and actor. It rather took the wind out of my sails. You can't share a crush with a gay man, it's just not right. Read on, chippers! There is more fun yet to come, I love you all for reading this and want to marry everyone of you, in a metaphorical sense whatever that may be of course.)
Chapter Four: Rivendell; Land of the Too Perfect Elves
"How did he faint?" Elrond asked.
"He didn't faint, Lord Elrond, he took a powerful blow to the head by a large, gray rock." Said Flagodirt, using his over-descriptive nature to my disadvantage. A large, gray rock? Jeez, why not just a humongous rock of a gray hue for technically gray isn't a color or something equally stupid? Flagodirt had described non-stop about absolutely everything since we had entered Rivendell. All the dwarves had, in fact. They had spoken in dwarfish on the journey but here they spoke in "the common tongue" which happened (luckily) to be English. Elrond agreed to take Glóin into his care, but he was very "busy with another client with more serious injuries and a more complicated burden." Stuck up prick. Frodo would make it.
The elves were quiet and beautiful. Elrond was the only one with brown hair but even in his thousands of years he managed to have sex appeal. But of course, as all sexy people were, he was already married once (as Arwen reminds him frequently) and my chances with him were slim, especially since I was a human with now sex appeal. Elrond had a bit of a curse when it came to attractive females and Arwen would slap him every time he began to "make the moves of Elrond madness" on them. (So I read his diary….)
Sarah and I spent a lot of time trying to find Gandalf, who must've known how to solve this situation. Elrond wouldn't let us into the infirmary to see Frodo. It was probably suspicious that we didn't know him and I couldn't exactly say he was my brother considering he was half my height.
"I don't know Sarah, let's just blow this popsicle stand and shoot ourselves."
"NO! I can't do that yet! I haven't even met…" she lowered her voice drastically. "Legolas."
"Gimli, you are a pervert. Anal… er… loving I hear is quite painful."
"Don't think of it that way, and I don't plan to carry out our love that far. Maybe a bit of spooning and kissing but…."
"There you are, laddie! Big feast tonight, big indeed!" Glóin ran towards us. He had been quick to heal and even quicker to stalk. Sarah had difficulties escaping with me. The dwarves seemed (at first) to think we were an item and got Glóin to "give the lovers their space" until I slapped Sarah for saying something about it. Then they decided that perhaps we needed more "supervision." Ah, my intricate love life on Middle Earth.
"Big feast?" Sarah said, stupidly, sounding dumber still because of Gimli's dull voice.
"That is right! The ring bearer is here." Glóin hushed his voice upon the words "ring bearer."
"Oh, you mean Frodo." Sarah was just striking out on the smarts.
"That is correct. The halfling called Frodo shall be told of for many ages to come… and to think, he is old Bilbo's cousin. Strange how they carry so few likenesses yet the same aptitude for adventure."
"So few likenesses? But they both craved adventure… Frodo just was more or less stuck with it." I said, suddenly feeling like we were discussing the book rather than living it beside a transvestite smitten with an elf named Legolas the Gay. Then bells rang. That was the signal for supper. Sarah was whisked away by Glóin who felt that Gimli, his son, needed to be close to him. I was left to walk through the disgustingly graceful elves. They never tripped and they were never rude to me. When I nearly bumped into them they would magically see me from behind their heads, turn around and catch me saying: "Close encounter, Bob." Sarah gave me hell for the Bob incidents.
The elves managed not to touch each other as they swarmed into the dinner hall. They were all pretty and handsome and it was very bothersome. I felt ugly but somehow I knew that someone out there would say "Finally, there's a lass with a real sexy ass," because on Middle Earth they liked to rhyme a lot. The elves had no butts whatsoever. They were slender and never gained an ounce. I was ushered into a seat by an elf who I had nearly bumped into before. His name was something like Perfect Elf of Perfectness Who Is Good At Catching Bob. Actually, it was Aureolus, which is close enough to the aforementioned. Sarah was stuck at a table of all dwarves that sat next to some hobbits. I wanted to meet the hobbits and Sarah wanted to talk to sexy elves. Why did we have to switch? I hated the elves because they never messed up, even as we ate and I managed to spill food all over myself like the graceful wench I am, they never even looked as though food had touched their lips.
I tried to spill some juice on the elf next to me.
"Careful, Lady Dominique Shakira Thayet Alanna." He caught my goblet with ease and handed it back to me. When elves didn't know you they called you by your full name. I had given up on telling strangers that my name was Bob and that they were welcome to call me that. Besides, I liked to think that they suffered as they spewed out my ridiculous name.
"Thanks." I muttered. It was no use. They were too perfect at saving themselves. I could spill all I wanted on me but they wouldn't make a move to help but when it came to them, their reflexes resembled lighting. A sudden hush fell over the table. Elrond and Arwen had risen and walked all gracefully to another room. Everyone followed and somehow I managed to trip over a chair and bump into an elf… wait a minute… I HAD BUMPED INTO AN ELF! YES, YES, YES, YES!! He nearly fell into another elf but righted himself before this extraordinary event could take place. The elf turned and helped me. I thanked him with a bit of a tinkle in my voice. I was that happy at having ruined the perfect cycle of things.
"Do you sing?" He asked me as we walked along side one another.
"Only in choir." I responded.
"You must sing for us."
"No." I said firmly, hearing the beautiful (disgustingly beautiful) elfin voices that filled the room we sat in. They all could play instruments perfectly, past perfectly, in a very elvish way. It was pretty but I couldn't stand it all the same. Sarah/Gimli sat miserably next to Glóin who talked animatedly to some of the other dwarves. People sank into a stupor at the sound of the singing elves. Finally, Aureolus (who had been singing a perfect solo) came over and declared that I was going to sing a song from my native land of Choir.
Sarah looked at me, aghast but amused. She gave me the thumbs-up sign and I knew she just wanted to see me make a fool of myself. Ooh, I longed to rip her beard right off of her face but I knew that was probably something that would make her happy. Where's the camera when you need it? I would pass pictures of the bearded Sarah around at school.
"I can't sing." I explained.
"Everyone can sing." Aureolus encouraged unencouragingly.
"Katie… er… Bob is very good at singing." Said Gimli/Sarah.
"Don't make me do this. I don't know any songs." There was rap but would they consider that music? I doubted Eminem's: Cleaning out My Closet would make much sense to them.
"Yes you do!" Sarah was egging me on.
The next words that popped out of my mouth will mortify me until my dying day.
"Oh baby, baby how was I supposed to know, that something wasn't right yeah." And I actually sang the entire "Hit Me Baby One More Time" by Brittany Spears. I hated that song (nothing against Brittany but I had heard it too many times on the radio.) The saddest things were the little dance motions I had added here and there.
I was going to shoot myself. I scrunched my eyes, unprepared for the looks of disgust I would soon see on the elves perfect faces. But when no sound came I opened them.
They all gaped at me and Aureolus stood and applauded fervently. Everyone joined in, except for Sarah, who held a hand over her Gimli chest gasping for air. She was dying of laughter, the stupid bitch.
"That was the most amazing human song I have ever heard." Said an elf.
"It was quite good." A small person stood close by. "My name is Bilbo Baggins, Bob, if I may call you that."
"G-go ahead. I think… I think I'm going to just leave now…."
"Sing another Choir song!" Someone shouted.
"Yes! Sing another!"
"Sweet lord." I moaned, putting a hand to my forehead. Why did I have to be humiliated in a book that I had once enjoyed? I looked over towards Sarah, but she was watching someone else. Legolas had come in and started eying her immediately. I was overcome with a wave of sickness, thinking of the bearded creature kissing such a (horrifyingly) perfect face. Oh dear, this could be disgusting.
"Come! Shall you sing another?" Aureolus asked, clapping his hand to my shoulder.
"I'd rather not…."
"Sing!" Elrond commanded, pointing at me. "As a favor to me, the only I shall ask. One more song."
I sighed heavily. What other choice did I have? I didn't know many songs. Blue, (Da Ba Dee Da Ba Da) by Eiffel 65 was one I enjoyed and I figured it would shut them up because it wasn't very song-like. So I sang it quickly, revising the parts I didn't know. Once again, my audience was stupefied.
"Oh come on, you great gits. It wasn't that good!" I said under my breath. "I'm going to bed." I declared and I marched out, tripping over Aureolus and knocking my head against a lute and passing out.
(Another A/N: Sorry about the abrupt ending, it's just late so… school in the morning. I'll try to get more stupid stuff in later. Kisses and hugs.)