Chapter Six: COLD DAMMIT!
My only real companions on the journey were Merry and Pippin who seemed to think that I was just as uninformed as they were. So what if I hid behind the pillars with them? None the less, I appreciated having people to talk to. Sarah was so wrapped up in her role as Gimli (firstly, Legolas's lover) that she rarely paid attention to me. Stupid wench.
We had traveled for a long time, too long and too cold. Half the time I slept without a blanket because Merry or Pippin had played a prank on me. Ungrateful little pips, they did pay, in blankets.
"Give it here Bob! Play fair!" Pippin tugged at the blanket as the sky darkened.
"Haha, no." I tugged and he fell forward to the ground.
"You are a cruel tall person. I wish death upon you."
"Be quiet! At the rate you three are squealing we will all die!" Gandalf scolded. Fictional characters, bah.
"How would you two gentlemen like to learn swordplay?" Borromir asked, crouching down.
"Not really, but okay." Merry agreed. They took their small swords out and I was forced to sit alone on a rock while Aragorn watched Merry, Borromir and Pippin, Legolas bounced all over the place looking around and Sarah-Gimli watched his butt. Gandalf puffed his pipe while smiling. Frodo and Sam talked very close. Romantic, eh? I had nothing to do but stare into space.
"Some place this is." I mumbled.
"What is that?" Asked Frodo, pointing at a big black cloud. Of course, I knew it wasn't a cloud but soon Gimli… oh no, Sarah would know too, considering she had watched the movie so many times. Legolas bounded over to look at it. Sarah wasn't happy that he had run away because that made it harder for her to gaze at his bum.
"Eh, it's just a fast moving cloud." She said, completely forgetting what it really was.
"It is moving against the wind." Said Gandalf.
"Oh come off it you idiots." I said. "You can even see their wings; clearly they are birds of some sort, maybe even bats."
"You have good eyes." Legolas commented. Gimli shot me a sour look.
"Runs in the family." Actually, I wore contact lenses, but not on Middle Earth. My vision was better here even without the contacts. Muah hahaha, the power.
"SPIES!" Gandalf caught on. "Hide! All of you!" Everyone ducked except me and Sarah because we were slow-witted. Legolas grabbed Sarah by the beard and pulled her down and Gandalf muttered something and I collapsed into a hole. Lucky me. It was a pity Aragorn hadn't done that. The sexy beast.
"CAW, CAW, CAW!" The evil-crow spies cried. Then they were gone. There was much babble about going up a mountain because of the spies and finally Aragorn said: "Where is Bob?"
"Down here, you great lugs."
"Sorry about that." Gandalf puffed his pipe. I was filled with hatred for the old fart. He had deliberately done that.
"You sure are." I muttered as Aragorn pulled me up. Hey Aragorn pulled me up! But he smelled bad, as did I. I suddenly felt no sexual impulses towards him.
"We must not tarry!" And Gandalf started running, quickly for an old man. How I loathed him.
"Wait for me!" Puffed Sarah. Haha, slow poke Sarah. I ran with Merry and Pippin who were whacking me with their swords saying "hurry up Bob! Hurry, hurry, hurry! Haha!"
"The Misty Mountains!" Gandalf announced a few days later. We had hardly slept at all and nobody was in a good mood. Even Legolas was downcast. "Here we go then!" We all sank immediately upon entering the five-foot-deep snow. Legolas, on the other hand, was able to walk on top of it. Elves. Gr. It was very cold. In fact my hands began to turn purple and because I was the skinniest person walking in the snow I was also the coldest. Sarah told me (as we trudged along) something very unpleasant.
"You know, my boobs are bigger as Gimli than they were as Sarah. Nice for warmth."
"Thank you."
"A little friend in my pants wants to say hello!"
"Very little."
"Kate, that doesn't offend me you see, for you know who I am."
"Kate?" Pippin asked, coming up beside me.
"It's my more informal name; it means 'cutie with a booty' in the land of Choir."
"Or 'lass with a fat ass.'" Sarah changed it.
"No."
"Yes. Infinity." She quickly added.
"Fine."
"Can I call you Kate?" Merry and Pippin chimed.
"Sure."
"If it's worth anything I think you have a very nice ass." Said Pippin.
"It's not, but I will allow it." Then Merry spanked me before running ahead to the more shallow snow. "You bloody…." He ran across the top before sinking down again and Frodo tripped so only I noticed.
"The Ring!" Frodo cried.
Borromir picked it up. Jeepers creepers, I hadn't paid much attention to it because it was just a gold ring after all.
"To think that all this pain and suffering could be caused by so small a thing." Everyone stared in fear at the human. Soon Aragorn would go all "give the ring to Frodo" but I wasn't in the mood for waiting.
"Shut up and give him the darned ring." I commanded. "We have traveling to do. We'll get up to the top, and avalanche will fall on us due to Sauroman and we'll decide to go to Moria and I'm not very happy about all these changes so move your tush or I'll move it for you!" I was sure no one understood a word of what I had said except for Gandalf who was giving me a calculating look.
"Sorry." Borromir whispered and handed Frodo the ring, who snatched it away, snarling.
"You, chill out. It's not his fault." I said to Frodo. He suddenly blushed and looked down. "Let's go." We got further before hearing Merry cry out for us to stop. "Merry, fell into the snow." I shrugged and went to pull him out. Just then the avalanche fell and covered us all. It was like taking an ice-cold bath and I knew I was going to die. A pair of strong hands grasped me and pulled me out. Legolas was bouncing around helping people. "COLD!" I cried out as I took in my first breath.
"Snow is like that, young Bob."
"Kate." Pippin corrected.
"Kate now?" Aragorn continued. "Kate of Choir? Hm, sounds vaguely familiar."
Oh dear. But I was still cold.
"Where shall we go?" Gandalf asked as everyone discussed the possibilities. Wind screamed around us.
"Mines of Moria would be safer!" Said Aragorn.
"Yes! That sounds good!" Said Sarah-Gimli.
"It's dangerous down there!" But my cries were not heard as Aragorn said: "Leave it to Frodo."
"Let's go into the mines!"
"YAY!" Sarah whooped. She bumped into Legolas, who blushed suddenly. Yuck, yuck… oh dear God, no more…. We rushed down the mountain and I embraced the warmth of the not so mountainy area. Aragorn looked at me, as I was chattering my teeth.
"So, Kate, how old are you?"
"Fifteen, well, fourteen going on fifteen but whatever."
"You're like a baby!" Said Pippin. Merry was still frozen solid and couldn't find words to ridicule me with. Take that spanker boy.
"Shut up Shorty." I snapped. Aragorn was this close to falling for me, I knew it! But his Arwen-necklace fell out of his shirt and he remembered suddenly that he had a lover in a sexy body. My boobs weren't even fully developed yet. Days turned into nights (because that's what happens as time goes by, clever, no?) and we were finally at the gates of Moria.
Gandalf went to the gate and looked over it.
"What does it say?" Asked Sam.
"Speak friend and enter." Said Gandalf.
"So say friend in that language and we'll get in." I commanded.
"What?" Everyone stared at me.
"Oh, fine, make me do it. Morlock." I thought I had pronounced it all wrong but the gates swung open just as Pippin fell into the lake. No! That hadn't happened in the story!
"RARR!" The evil squid thing roared and grabbed Pippin and Frodo the dimwitted loser who always gaped stupidly in these situations.
"Shoot it Legolas!" I cried. Legolas was a step ahead of me and shooting it. Aragorn ran forward and grabbed Frodo and with Merry's help we saved Pippin, who apparently couldn't swim. We fled into the mines and I smelled the smell of smelly dead people.
"It's a grave!" Cried Gandalf, lighting his staff.
"Oh well, let's just creep on in." Sarah-Gimli said. I waited for her to catch up to me.
"Remember, when we find your dead cousin-guy, you're sad, cry your little brains out."
"Men don't have brains, we're all balls." She winked at me and I whacked her upside the head. "Ow! Just because I have a helmet…."
"Shush!" Gandalf turned to us and glowered. And into the mines we went. It was all spooky and Gandalf kept saying "let us hope we pass through here unnoticed" and "whew, I can barely remember this place."
One day (many days later) I caught him alone as he sat to smell the air and everyone else took a break.
"Gandalf, I need to talk to you." I took a seat beside him and lowered my voice.
"Apparently," he said, "or you wouldn't be talking to me."
"Right. Anyway, I'm not who you think I am."
"And who do I think you are?"
"Kate-Bob or Dominique Shakira Thayet Alanna of Choir, but choir is not a place." I whispered quickly.
"I thought so! I mean, very interesting, very, very interesting." He stroked his beard. "Why did you need to tell me this?" I looked over his shoulder and found Sarah and Legolas deep in conversation, lust in their eyes.
"Sarah… rather Gimli, isn't really Gimli. In fact, the real Gimli could be anywhere but Sarah, that's my friend, took Gimli's body without permission."
"Why did he do this?"
"She." I corrected. "Because she was in love with Legolas who apparently is in love with Gimli."
"They are good friends." Gandalf nodded.
"No, no, you loony old man." I shook my head. "They want to make mad love to one another, do the dirty, get naked, chili down, have sex; must I make it plainer?"
"Whoa!" He put his hands up. "Then where are you two from?"
"Earth, not Middle Earth just Earth."
"What? It exists? The land of the gods?"
"Muah hahaha, yes." I AM A GOD! "But I am a lesser god and we were bamboozled by another lesser god. We need your help."
"I will try, but perhaps you were sent by the Great God Tolkien to assist this quest!"
"Don't tell the others, okay?" OR I SHALL UNLEASH MY GODLY POWER UPON YOU!
"Gandalf!" Frodo came scuttling up to talk to Gandalf, who simply nodded at me before talking to Frodo. I went down to tell Sarah the good news. But she ignored me and talked to Legolas. Aragorn talked to me some thinking I was just lonely. Stupid man. Well, sexy stupid man, but definitely stupid.
"Ah! This is the way! The air is less foul this way." So basically we went to the little place where Gimli's dead cousin-dude lay. I stepped on her foot and she screamed and everyone was satisfied. Then I remembered that Pippin was going to make goblins and orcs attack us.
"Don't touch that Pip." I said as he eyed the skeleton. Gandalf looked at me from underneath his busy eyebrows that stretched to Nantucket.
"Why not?"
"Because, it's gross." Pippin grinned evil and poked it as Gandalf began to read the stuff.
"Oops." It fell into the well. CLANG CLUNK and yes, the orcs came up. The battle scene: me quivering in a corner with my hands over my head.
"OY! I HAVE AN AX!" Said Sarah, whacking away. "Do you think Legolas will be impressed?" She asked me as I cowered in a corner. Merry and Pippin seemed to think I deserved a guard of honor. Until they screamed and fled in terror as goblins started trying to get to me.
"HEHEHEHE!" Evil. I stood up and they roared at me.
"AHHHH!" I screamed really loudly at them and they flinched. I thought I had scared them all away, and so did Merry and Pippin, that was until I saw….
"CAVE TROLL!" Aragorn squealed. Then he made his voice dropped an octave. "I mean, flee in terror!" The goblins ran because the cave troll didn't know the difference between the fellowship and goblins. I thought we were dead for sure. Merry and Pippin grabbed my hands and pulled me behind a large pillar. Ah, yet another pillar.
(A/N I think I've supplied enough for now. I'll come back to this later. Sorry it wasn't that good but I'm trying to stuff it all in. R/R and R some more. Muah hahaha)