It's a Poo Thing
(Flash-back)
A hospital in Tri-County
(The evil Doctor Glitch and nurse D73 are standing in front of a row of 13 incubators)
Glitch: Nurse, the serum!
D73: Doctor, I'm not too sure about this. It's only been tested on monkeys in the lab and there were some awful side effects. Why, that one chimp's head exploded and the others were all afflicted with Leishmania donovani and Visceral leishmaniasis. Not to mention Bursitis, Arthrogryposis, and Hallux Valgus. I'm afraid the effects of the DNA serum are unstable and too volatile. You may not get the results you are looking for.
Glitch: I know that! I created the drug 5 months ago and I know it's still under construction but damn-it, there's no more time! They're closing in on us. Serum NOW!
(D73 hands Glitch a syringe full of dull brown liquid)
D73: Well, hurry then. By the way, how exactly did you make that serum?
(Glitch walks over to the first incubator, D73 stands slightly behind him)
Glitch: I combined the micro-organisms of Antelope shit along with the properties of pepperoni from that pizza joint down the street-Dom's Pizza I believe the name is-added a small amount of beer and voila! I'm a genius!
D73 (nodding): Yes Doctor.
Glitch: Now, time to finish this experiment.
(Glitch injects the first baby, a boy, with the serum. The baby shrills out loudly and Glitch jumps back into D73. The shrilling suddenly stops. Glitch and D73 carefully peer into the incubator, ready to flee in a moments notice)
D73: OMG, what happened to him?!? What's wrong with his arms? They turned all gimpy and his legs look like dried up chicken feet! And a mullet? My god, what have you done to him???????
Glitch (insane laughter): Ahahahahahaahahahahaha, I've created a gimp!
(The baby, in response, blew a huge drool bubble and shot a spiraling stream of pee 12 feet into the air. The piss burned holes thru the medical equipment nearby)
D73 and Glitch: Whoa, cool!
D73: Ok, so maybe he's not as bad off as I thought. Should we keep him, Doctor?
Glitch: Of course, and we shall call him Uselesslegs because of his deformity but he will be far from useless. Bwahahahahahahha!!!! Next!
(Glitch injects the second baby, a boy, with the serum. The baby remains quiet but grows a long mane of hair. Glitch waits for a few minutes but nothing else happens)
Glitch: That's it?!?!? JEEZUS fucking Christ! My first subject gets cool spiraling piss and all this kid gets is long hair? And look, it's got split ends! What the fuck????
D73: So it's your first failure, maybe you'll have better luck with the third child. I think we should call this one Jeezus, because God took pity on him.
Glitch: Whatever.
(They move on to the third child, another boy. Glitch injects him with the serum and immediately the baby becomes glazy-eyed and produces a baggie of weed from thin air)
D73: Whoa, cool! It's a little Stoner dude!
Glitch (disgusted): Although his ability is interesting, he will not be of any use in the future. I'm trying to create a team of warriors, not potheads and girly-boys! Nurse, remove this Stoner baby from my sight, and take that Jeezus baby with him too! I don't care where you send them; just make sure it's far away from here! NOW!!!!!!!!!
(D73 rolls the two children away. Glitch moves to the fourth incubator containing a little girl)
Glitch: Two failed experiments already. Let's hope this one will come out better.
(D73 returns as Glitch injects the fourth baby and waits. Her breasts begin to grow. Glitch stares wide-eyed as the baby's breasts continue to grow for a few minutes and then finally stop)
Glitch (amazed): Whoa, cool! Look at that perky set! Success!!!! I shall name her Jen!
D73: Uh, Doctor? Are we keeping her?
(The baby girl seems to have some issues with her newly acquired breasts though and she keeps fussing. Glitch continues to stare wide-eyed)
D73: Doctor? Doctor? DOCTOR?????
Glitch: Oh, huh, what?
D73: I said, are we keeping her? She seems to have a few issues with things.
(D73 points to the enormous chest on the tiny baby)
Glitch: As much as I'd love to keep her for the team, her breasts are too distracting. Send her to Jaxsonville. Our little JenfromJax will be known throughout the world as the chick with the perkiest set. I'm sure she'll get over her issues when she's older.
D73: Yes Doctor.
(Glitch moves onto the fifth incubator as D73 rolls out the fourth. The fifth incubator contains a boy. Glitch injects this baby with the serum and waits. A few seconds later the baby consumes his blanket)
D73 and Glitch: Whoa, cool!
(The baby rips out some wires hooked up to a nearby medical contraption and eats those)
D73 and Glitch: Whoa!
(The baby then starts eating the mattress)
Glitch: Ahahahahahaha, he's a keeper! What a perfect addition! Call him Psycho and put him next to Uselesslegs.
(D73 rolls Psycho over to Uselesslegs. Glitch moves over to the sixth incubator and injects that baby, a boy, with the serum. The baby's knee shines faintly)
Glitch (pointing at the baby's knee): What the hell is that?
(D73 walks back over to where he is standing)
D73: Some sort of Poisoned mucus I suppose, here, let me wipe it off.
(D73 tries to wipe the mucus off but it remains)
D73: Hmmm, why, it looks like a snail trail.
Glitch: Gross! Get that thing out of here. Send him up to Vermont or something with the Pen family. They're a bunch of drunken slobs so he'll fit right in!
D73: Yes Doctor
(D73 rolls the baby away)
Glitch: Damn-it! 6 babies and only two of them are useful! This is turning out to be a disaster!
D73 (upon entering the room): Don't give up hope. You still have 7 more to go. Something good will have to come out of this sorry bunch.
Glitch: You're right, let's keep going.
(Glitch and D73 go onto the 7th incubator containing yet another boy. Glitch injects him with the serum. The baby stays calm for a few moments, wails loudly once, then tears off his baby wristband. As he removes his wristband, his fists turn to stone)
Glitch and D73: Whoa, cool!
Glitch: Call this badass with stone fists Shifty and put him with the other two. He will be the powerhouse! Ahahahahhahahahahaaha, YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!
(Glitch celebrates loudly as D73 rolls the child away)
Baby Shifty (in a barely audible whisper): Whore
D73 (dumbfounded): Huh?
(Glitch is oblivious)
Glitch: Ahahahah, I'm a fucking genius! No one can beat me!
Baby Shifty (a little louder): Whore
D73: OMG! Doctor! Listen to this!
(Glitch pays no attention to her)
Glitch: I'm the greatest! Ahahahaha! Look at Mmmeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Baby Shifty (loudly): Whore!
D73: DOCTOR, DOCTOR!!!! Will you shut-up and listen!
(Glitch stops dead in his tracks)
Glitch: What?
(D73 points to Shifty)
Baby Shifty: You can all kiss the fattest part of my ass! I said WHORE!
Glitch: Holy shit, he can talk!
D73: I know! Isn't it great!
Glitch: My god, maybe the next one will turn out even better! Put him with the other two! Hurry nurse!
Baby Shifty (as D73 rolls him over to Psycho and Uselesslegs): I'd rather be with gars.
(Glitch moves over to the baby in the 8th incubator, D73 joins him a moment later. A little girl surrounded by different dolls lies in the incubator. Glitch injects her. Immediately afterwards, she beings tearing the heads off all the dolls in rage except one-A Joey Fatone doll)
Glitch: Hmmm, interesting. She looks so timid with that gay doll. I think we will keep her. Call her Lilshyone and put her with the rest. It's the shy; quiet ones you got to watch out for. She may prove very useful indeed.
(D73 puts her with the rest and rejoins Glitch in front of the baby boy in incubator 9. Glitch injects him as well and the baby balloons up 4 times his original size. The boy also starts whining uncontrollably)
D73: Wow, he's the Big Boy of the bunch!
Glitch: Yeah, can you get him to shut-up though?
(D73 tries for a few minutes to get the baby to stop whining but it works to no avail)
D73: Maybe this is a side effect of the DNA serum. Maybe he'll whine the rest of his life.
Glitch: God help the world if that's so.
D73: So are we keeping him?
Glitch: No, send him to Jaffe Salad Productions. The owner is looking for an heir. He'll be of much more use to him than me.
(D73 wheels him out. Glitch continues on to the 10th incubator containing a redheaded girl wearing Florida Gators booties. He injects her and waits. Nothing happens)
Glitch: God damn-it! Nothing is happening!!! What the hell?
D73: Just be patient, maybe something will happen.
(They wait, nothing happens)
D73: What should I do?
Glitch: Call her Jen and send her to Florida. Send her to the Florida Gators head coach for all I care.
D73: Yes Doctor
(D73 wheels her out. Glitch approaches the 11th incubator containing a boy. He injects the rest of the dull brown DNA serum into the baby and watches in awe. The boy's two front teeth grow in rapidly, although there is a huge gap. His little dinky begins to glow)
Glitch: Whoa, cool!
(In response, the baby pees out a stream of glowing green neon. The neon pee burns thru some medical equipment like acid)
Glitch: That kicks ass! I'm going to call you Nexus. You're a perfect addition!
(Suddenly, D73 enters the room and frantically locks the door)
D73: We've got trouble, they're here!
Glitch: You have got to see this kick ass shit! This one pees neon green acid!
D73: Did you hear me? They're here! We've got to hurry!
(D73 pauses)
D73: Wait, did you just say he pees neon green?
Glitch: Yeah, it's so cool!
(Nexus pees neon green again and it burns thru some more medical instruments)
D73: Whoa, that is cool! But we've got to hurry!!!!
Glitch: Right! Go grab the other syringe. It contains the super secret serum. I have special plans for my little Tigerlily and -Crowd-
(Glitch motions to the two last incubators, one holding a tiny girl, the other a boy with a huge bubble ass. D73 searches for the syringe. Loud knocks can be heard)
Voice One: Open up!!! We know you're in there!
(More loud knocks)
Glitch: Hurry!
D73: I can't find it!
(More loud knocks)
Voice Two: This is the Tri-County police. Open this door now!
Glitch: It's over there on the counter! The syringe filled with the shiny black liquid! Hurry damn you!
D73: Got it!
(D73 rushes over to Glitch with the syringe)
Voice One: That's it, we're coming in!
(Glitch plunges the needle into the girl. Loud banging now)
Glitch (shouts): You'll never take me alive!
(Glitch finishes injecting the tiny girl and then starts on the boy. As the door is broke-down, the last droplets of shiny black serum are dispensed into the bubble butt boy. Two cops enter with guns drawn)
Voice One: Freeze!
(D73 drops to the ground)
Glitch: Go to hell!
(Glitch plunges at cop number one and both cops open fire, showering him with bullets. Blood splatters the room. Glitch falls down in a slump, dead. As the cops check over D73 and the dead evil doctor Glitch, no one notices the incubators of Tigerlily and -crowd- glowing..
(Fade scene)
(Flash-back)
A hospital in Tri-County
(The evil Doctor Glitch and nurse D73 are standing in front of a row of 13 incubators)
Glitch: Nurse, the serum!
D73: Doctor, I'm not too sure about this. It's only been tested on monkeys in the lab and there were some awful side effects. Why, that one chimp's head exploded and the others were all afflicted with Leishmania donovani and Visceral leishmaniasis. Not to mention Bursitis, Arthrogryposis, and Hallux Valgus. I'm afraid the effects of the DNA serum are unstable and too volatile. You may not get the results you are looking for.
Glitch: I know that! I created the drug 5 months ago and I know it's still under construction but damn-it, there's no more time! They're closing in on us. Serum NOW!
(D73 hands Glitch a syringe full of dull brown liquid)
D73: Well, hurry then. By the way, how exactly did you make that serum?
(Glitch walks over to the first incubator, D73 stands slightly behind him)
Glitch: I combined the micro-organisms of Antelope shit along with the properties of pepperoni from that pizza joint down the street-Dom's Pizza I believe the name is-added a small amount of beer and voila! I'm a genius!
D73 (nodding): Yes Doctor.
Glitch: Now, time to finish this experiment.
(Glitch injects the first baby, a boy, with the serum. The baby shrills out loudly and Glitch jumps back into D73. The shrilling suddenly stops. Glitch and D73 carefully peer into the incubator, ready to flee in a moments notice)
D73: OMG, what happened to him?!? What's wrong with his arms? They turned all gimpy and his legs look like dried up chicken feet! And a mullet? My god, what have you done to him???????
Glitch (insane laughter): Ahahahahahaahahahahaha, I've created a gimp!
(The baby, in response, blew a huge drool bubble and shot a spiraling stream of pee 12 feet into the air. The piss burned holes thru the medical equipment nearby)
D73 and Glitch: Whoa, cool!
D73: Ok, so maybe he's not as bad off as I thought. Should we keep him, Doctor?
Glitch: Of course, and we shall call him Uselesslegs because of his deformity but he will be far from useless. Bwahahahahahahha!!!! Next!
(Glitch injects the second baby, a boy, with the serum. The baby remains quiet but grows a long mane of hair. Glitch waits for a few minutes but nothing else happens)
Glitch: That's it?!?!? JEEZUS fucking Christ! My first subject gets cool spiraling piss and all this kid gets is long hair? And look, it's got split ends! What the fuck????
D73: So it's your first failure, maybe you'll have better luck with the third child. I think we should call this one Jeezus, because God took pity on him.
Glitch: Whatever.
(They move on to the third child, another boy. Glitch injects him with the serum and immediately the baby becomes glazy-eyed and produces a baggie of weed from thin air)
D73: Whoa, cool! It's a little Stoner dude!
Glitch (disgusted): Although his ability is interesting, he will not be of any use in the future. I'm trying to create a team of warriors, not potheads and girly-boys! Nurse, remove this Stoner baby from my sight, and take that Jeezus baby with him too! I don't care where you send them; just make sure it's far away from here! NOW!!!!!!!!!
(D73 rolls the two children away. Glitch moves to the fourth incubator containing a little girl)
Glitch: Two failed experiments already. Let's hope this one will come out better.
(D73 returns as Glitch injects the fourth baby and waits. Her breasts begin to grow. Glitch stares wide-eyed as the baby's breasts continue to grow for a few minutes and then finally stop)
Glitch (amazed): Whoa, cool! Look at that perky set! Success!!!! I shall name her Jen!
D73: Uh, Doctor? Are we keeping her?
(The baby girl seems to have some issues with her newly acquired breasts though and she keeps fussing. Glitch continues to stare wide-eyed)
D73: Doctor? Doctor? DOCTOR?????
Glitch: Oh, huh, what?
D73: I said, are we keeping her? She seems to have a few issues with things.
(D73 points to the enormous chest on the tiny baby)
Glitch: As much as I'd love to keep her for the team, her breasts are too distracting. Send her to Jaxsonville. Our little JenfromJax will be known throughout the world as the chick with the perkiest set. I'm sure she'll get over her issues when she's older.
D73: Yes Doctor.
(Glitch moves onto the fifth incubator as D73 rolls out the fourth. The fifth incubator contains a boy. Glitch injects this baby with the serum and waits. A few seconds later the baby consumes his blanket)
D73 and Glitch: Whoa, cool!
(The baby rips out some wires hooked up to a nearby medical contraption and eats those)
D73 and Glitch: Whoa!
(The baby then starts eating the mattress)
Glitch: Ahahahahahaha, he's a keeper! What a perfect addition! Call him Psycho and put him next to Uselesslegs.
(D73 rolls Psycho over to Uselesslegs. Glitch moves over to the sixth incubator and injects that baby, a boy, with the serum. The baby's knee shines faintly)
Glitch (pointing at the baby's knee): What the hell is that?
(D73 walks back over to where he is standing)
D73: Some sort of Poisoned mucus I suppose, here, let me wipe it off.
(D73 tries to wipe the mucus off but it remains)
D73: Hmmm, why, it looks like a snail trail.
Glitch: Gross! Get that thing out of here. Send him up to Vermont or something with the Pen family. They're a bunch of drunken slobs so he'll fit right in!
D73: Yes Doctor
(D73 rolls the baby away)
Glitch: Damn-it! 6 babies and only two of them are useful! This is turning out to be a disaster!
D73 (upon entering the room): Don't give up hope. You still have 7 more to go. Something good will have to come out of this sorry bunch.
Glitch: You're right, let's keep going.
(Glitch and D73 go onto the 7th incubator containing yet another boy. Glitch injects him with the serum. The baby stays calm for a few moments, wails loudly once, then tears off his baby wristband. As he removes his wristband, his fists turn to stone)
Glitch and D73: Whoa, cool!
Glitch: Call this badass with stone fists Shifty and put him with the other two. He will be the powerhouse! Ahahahahhahahahahaaha, YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!
(Glitch celebrates loudly as D73 rolls the child away)
Baby Shifty (in a barely audible whisper): Whore
D73 (dumbfounded): Huh?
(Glitch is oblivious)
Glitch: Ahahahah, I'm a fucking genius! No one can beat me!
Baby Shifty (a little louder): Whore
D73: OMG! Doctor! Listen to this!
(Glitch pays no attention to her)
Glitch: I'm the greatest! Ahahahaha! Look at Mmmeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Baby Shifty (loudly): Whore!
D73: DOCTOR, DOCTOR!!!! Will you shut-up and listen!
(Glitch stops dead in his tracks)
Glitch: What?
(D73 points to Shifty)
Baby Shifty: You can all kiss the fattest part of my ass! I said WHORE!
Glitch: Holy shit, he can talk!
D73: I know! Isn't it great!
Glitch: My god, maybe the next one will turn out even better! Put him with the other two! Hurry nurse!
Baby Shifty (as D73 rolls him over to Psycho and Uselesslegs): I'd rather be with gars.
(Glitch moves over to the baby in the 8th incubator, D73 joins him a moment later. A little girl surrounded by different dolls lies in the incubator. Glitch injects her. Immediately afterwards, she beings tearing the heads off all the dolls in rage except one-A Joey Fatone doll)
Glitch: Hmmm, interesting. She looks so timid with that gay doll. I think we will keep her. Call her Lilshyone and put her with the rest. It's the shy; quiet ones you got to watch out for. She may prove very useful indeed.
(D73 puts her with the rest and rejoins Glitch in front of the baby boy in incubator 9. Glitch injects him as well and the baby balloons up 4 times his original size. The boy also starts whining uncontrollably)
D73: Wow, he's the Big Boy of the bunch!
Glitch: Yeah, can you get him to shut-up though?
(D73 tries for a few minutes to get the baby to stop whining but it works to no avail)
D73: Maybe this is a side effect of the DNA serum. Maybe he'll whine the rest of his life.
Glitch: God help the world if that's so.
D73: So are we keeping him?
Glitch: No, send him to Jaffe Salad Productions. The owner is looking for an heir. He'll be of much more use to him than me.
(D73 wheels him out. Glitch continues on to the 10th incubator containing a redheaded girl wearing Florida Gators booties. He injects her and waits. Nothing happens)
Glitch: God damn-it! Nothing is happening!!! What the hell?
D73: Just be patient, maybe something will happen.
(They wait, nothing happens)
D73: What should I do?
Glitch: Call her Jen and send her to Florida. Send her to the Florida Gators head coach for all I care.
D73: Yes Doctor
(D73 wheels her out. Glitch approaches the 11th incubator containing a boy. He injects the rest of the dull brown DNA serum into the baby and watches in awe. The boy's two front teeth grow in rapidly, although there is a huge gap. His little dinky begins to glow)
Glitch: Whoa, cool!
(In response, the baby pees out a stream of glowing green neon. The neon pee burns thru some medical equipment like acid)
Glitch: That kicks ass! I'm going to call you Nexus. You're a perfect addition!
(Suddenly, D73 enters the room and frantically locks the door)
D73: We've got trouble, they're here!
Glitch: You have got to see this kick ass shit! This one pees neon green acid!
D73: Did you hear me? They're here! We've got to hurry!
(D73 pauses)
D73: Wait, did you just say he pees neon green?
Glitch: Yeah, it's so cool!
(Nexus pees neon green again and it burns thru some more medical instruments)
D73: Whoa, that is cool! But we've got to hurry!!!!
Glitch: Right! Go grab the other syringe. It contains the super secret serum. I have special plans for my little Tigerlily and -Crowd-
(Glitch motions to the two last incubators, one holding a tiny girl, the other a boy with a huge bubble ass. D73 searches for the syringe. Loud knocks can be heard)
Voice One: Open up!!! We know you're in there!
(More loud knocks)
Glitch: Hurry!
D73: I can't find it!
(More loud knocks)
Voice Two: This is the Tri-County police. Open this door now!
Glitch: It's over there on the counter! The syringe filled with the shiny black liquid! Hurry damn you!
D73: Got it!
(D73 rushes over to Glitch with the syringe)
Voice One: That's it, we're coming in!
(Glitch plunges the needle into the girl. Loud banging now)
Glitch (shouts): You'll never take me alive!
(Glitch finishes injecting the tiny girl and then starts on the boy. As the door is broke-down, the last droplets of shiny black serum are dispensed into the bubble butt boy. Two cops enter with guns drawn)
Voice One: Freeze!
(D73 drops to the ground)
Glitch: Go to hell!
(Glitch plunges at cop number one and both cops open fire, showering him with bullets. Blood splatters the room. Glitch falls down in a slump, dead. As the cops check over D73 and the dead evil doctor Glitch, no one notices the incubators of Tigerlily and -crowd- glowing..
(Fade scene)