(A/N: I DON'T OWN LOTR CHARACTERS OR THE STORY.  If I did, it'd be a lot different and a lot more dangerous.  Tolkien came back from the dead to threaten a lawsuit on me!  OH DEAR!  I said that I didn't have a lawyer, dead or alive, then he admitted that he didn't either and went back to the dead.  Haha… oops….)

 Chapter Eight: The Mirror, Dead Kings, and Whisking Me Away L

"I think it's roman- I mean, pretty here."  Sarah said, making the moves on Legolas again.  He looked at her, fluttering his eyelashes slowly.  And her beard twitched into what was a smile of sorts.  She had taken her helmet off and her full poof of hair came into view.  It was definitely worse than the regular hair that she had on Earth.  Sarah said "I will never complain about my hair after this."

"Gimli… I was wondering if… maybe you'd like to share my tent with me tonight?"  He asked, blushing.  Aragorn was off sitting with Boromir talking about kingly things.  Frodo and Sam were sitting together (touching each other) while Pippin and Merry were off doing hobbit stuff.  I sat alone, again, watching it all.

"Oh!  Well…sure!"  Sarah giggled slightly. 

I felt nauseated.  Nothing against gay guys but when you know that one is a girl pretending to be a gay man… it's just all wrong folks.  Don't try this in front of me unless you would like Scent De Barf on you.  Legolas broke into a fantastic, heart-melting smile.  He's gay.  I reminded myself, looking away.  The only lad I wanted to get jiggy with was Aragorn and maybe some Boromir.  He was a potentially sexy beast and I wanted him in my sleeping bag.  There was music as we all went off to bed.  Galadriel had nicely let me take my first bath in days, weeks, centuries.   Blessed wench!  Everyone had bathed and Aragorn… whew, did he turn me on like a faucet.  With Boromir sitting next to him I just wanted to "AIIIIEEE!!  GET YO' PANTS OFF AND COUCHEZ AVEC MOI CE SOIR!"  I would revert to French to frighten them of course.  To the lay French taker or non-French taker that means "sleep with me tonight" thus the immortal classic: "voulez vous (do you want to) couchez avec moi?  CE SOIR! OIII!"  Ah, brings a tear to my eye.

I was forced to sleep in the same tent as Boromir and Aragorn (what a pity… muah hahaha) "since we were all humans."  Gimli would've had his/her own tent as would Legolas… if they weren't horny gay men that is.  I got to witness the "first kiss!"  It looked very scratchy and wet.  I wanted to cry, it was so disgusting.  Sarah was left looking stupefied and joyous.  Not a good mixture for her.

I think Aragorn and Boromir were drunk and this would explain the following events.

"So, *hic* Kate… sing a *hic* song from your land of *hic* Choir…."  Boromir slurred. 

"Isn't it a little late?"

"Naw.  Bedtime song lassie!"  Aragorn hiccuped too.

"Voulez vous couchez avec moi!  Ce SOIR!"

"Oh!  You speak the *hic* language of *hic* the dragons!"  Aragorn noted.

"Uh-oh… only a little."

"That's a song frooom where yer frooom?"  Boromir garbled.

"Oui monsieur."  Yes sir, pronounced wee monseur!  Weird, isn't it?

"Mademoiselle, j'aime ton corps, c'est delicieux!"  Meaning: I love your body, it's delicious.

I just gaped and nothing came out of my mouth.  Aragorn passed out onto his pallet but Boromir gave me my first kiss from a drunken weirdo.  I regret to say that it was still lovely, coming from that sexy of a beast.  Of course, he passed out relatively soon as well.  Alas!  No sexy-sex for Katie Bob!  I wondered if I could get pregnant on this planet… and would it affect Earth Kate?  I refused to risk it… at the moment. 

I dozed off for awhile before hearing Frodo's padding feet.  I decided to get up and follow him and watch the mirror of Galadriel.  That is, if she'd let me.  Dammit, she would.

Or would she?

Agh!  I was going schitzo-ish! 

I pattered down the stairs behind Frodo who was already gawking at the elf-wench, but I think he was still sleepy.  Then he gawked at me for a moment, probably thinking: why is Bob ruining my scene!!??

I wondered the same.

"Will you look into the mirror?"  Galadriel asked, filling up the pitcher, looking at both of us.

"What will I see?"  Frodo asked all suspiciously.

"Bad stuff."  I mumbled.

"Only the wise can tell…."  And she went off into her speech.

"Can I look first before the eye jumps out and scares the baloney out of him?"

"Um… all right…."  Galadriel looked shaken, not stirred.  (Muah hahaha)  So she stood back and watched me.  I wondered what I would see so I looked.

What I saw touched, stirred and tortured me.

"Chocolate!  Chocolate milk!  I NEED THIS!"  I gasped.  Then I realized how badly I truly needed to return to Earth. 

"My turn."  Said Frodo, pushing me out of the way.  Stupid runt.  His big blue eyes got really wide as he looked and he gasped as his little ring thing came out of his shirt and neared the water.

"I know what you saw."  Galadriel and I said at the same time.

"Jinx."  I mumbled.

"For it haunts my dreams too!"  Galadriel said, ignoring the jinx.  Then she started thought-speaking to Frodo so I missed out on the rest of the conversation on her side.  Frodo opened his hand which contained the RING!

"I will not deny that my heart has longed for this…."  Yatta, we all know what happens next.  The whole speech thing about becoming powerful and stuff.  "I have passed the test!"

"Great, good, let's go."  I clapped my hands together, ready for some more sleep (assuming I could fall asleep and HOPEFULLY dream of chocolate yumminess.)

"Kate… I HAVE PASSED THE TEST!!  I'M BLOODY HAPPY BUT TRYING TO LOOK COMPOSED!!  GIVE ME SOME BACK UP DAMMIT!"

"AHHHH!  Okay!  Okay!  Wow Galadriel!  You're totally cool!  You are my hero!"

"Hush child, such words are not necessary."  In my head she said THAT'S BETTER! "Rest up you two, tomorrow you shall have a long journey ahead of you.  Don't lose hope."  She caressed our faces before fleeing (gracefully)(damn elf wench) off to bed.  Frodo and I gaped at each other for a moment.  Truthfully I was half-yawning, he was just disturbed.  

"What did you see?"  He asked me.

"Chocolate."

"Oh."  His brow furrowed.  "How do you know what I saw?"

"Um… I just guessed it was the eye of Sauron."

 "Wow.  I also saw you being forced to sing a song that you didn't like with burning shoes on your feet."

"Ouch."

"And Gimli… was dressed in a… pink two-pieced thing."

"Bikini?"

"What?"

"Never mind.  That's mad disturbing."  I told him.

"Yes… it is driving me mad."

"Don't worry kiddo, it'll be okay."  I patted his head.  Curly. 

"Thanks Kate."  Then we went to bed.

"Kate!  Kate!"

"Mph, what?"  I mumbled.

"Get up!  Lazy bones!  It's time to go!"  Boromir and Aragorn both looked disgruntled this morning.  Hang-overs, I kid you not.  Galadriel gave us food and I ate it because that's what you do with food in the morning.  She gave everyone cool fighting stuff but she gave me….

"It is the Rubber of Whoopy."

"WHAT?!"  I gasped taking the condom in hand.

"It is said that it is good protection."  Galadriel, what a dummy.

"Um… thanks, I think."

"And take this."  She gave me a sword.  YES!  FIGHTING UTENSIL! 

"Thank you!"  I sighed with relief.

"You're welcome.  God speed."  We all loaded into boats.  I was in a boat with Merry and Boromir.  Gimli went with Legolas and Sam (boat of gay love) and Aragorn went with Pippin and Frodo.  Since Boromir had to row he commanded that I sing.  What did I sing?  I sang Vertical Horizon's "Everything You Want" because it's wonderfully simplistic for my puny mind to handle.

"Ah!  Long have I wished to gaze upon the great kings!"  Aragorn muttered as we came up to two huge statues with their hands facing outward.  I snorted suddenly and Aragorn squinted at me.  One of the kings had two red circles around his man-boobs (which he definitely had.)

"Are they dead?"  I asked, trying not to dig my hell-hole deeper.

"Yes, but their spirits live on."

"Great."  I mumbled.  Legolas looked to the shore we were pulling up on with a worried face.  ORCS!  AHHHH!  NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!  Boromir helped me and Merry out of the boat and looked around at all the fallen statue things.  I always wondered where fallen statue things had come from.  Aragorn and Legolas whispered in elvish.  Nope, can't translate it I'm afraid. 

(A/N BUT I CAN!  They were talking about fears of what was on the shore, and Legolas mentioned Gimli's butt in an undertone and Aragorn said that he was nauseated at such a thought and Legolas blushed [in elvish, of course])

 "Where's Frodo?"  Aragorn asked suddenly.

"I'll go get some wood."  Boromir said.  Oh dear, there goes my Boromir lad.  I had thrown the condom into the water anyway.  There was no need to be tempted. 

"Come Kate!  Let us take a nap on your blanket."

"Haha!  How about I skin you and take a nap on that?"  I suggested, running my thumb along my sword.  "CONFOUND IT THAT HURT!"  I started sucking on my cut. 

"Sh!"  Legolas whispered to me.  "Do you hear that?"

"You're breathing?"  I asked.  Gimli/Sarah shot a vicious look at me.  She mouthed: "Shut up or you die!" 

"ORCS!  Gimli!  Grab your ax!  We must help Aragorn!"  Legolas was off in a flash and, more or less to impress the blond-babe, Sarah ran with ax in hand, panting "WAIT FOR ME!!" 

"Uh oh!  I must find Master Frodo!"  Sam whined. 

"Go look!"  I encouraged, apparently without need for Sam ran off in search of his partner for life.

"Kate!"  Merry and Pippin grabbed my arms and dragged me underneath a log. 

"Ow!"  I bumped my head.

"Shush!  This is no time to be a girlie girl!"  Pippin giggled.

"It's a wonder I put up with you."  I mumbled.

"You put up with me?"  Pippin batted his eyes at me.  "Give me a kiss!"

"You're half my size, that would be weird."

"That's why you're sitting!"  Merry said enthusiastically.

"Was this all a trap to get my pants off?"

"Yes."  The two hobbits said in unison.  Then the scary roaring noises began.

"FIND THE HALFLINGS!"  Then I realized something dreadful.  I wasn't a hobbit and they would kill me because of it.

"There's Frodo!"  Merry pointed excitedly as Frodo panted against a tree. 

"Come on Frodo!  Over here!"  Pippin waved wildly.  Frodo just shook his head.  "What is he doing?"

"He's going!"  Merry gawked. 

"Good luck."  I mumbled to Frodo, who nodded his thanks. 

"You've got to help!"  Merry said to me.

"What?"

"We've gotta distract the orcs!"  Pippin urged.  Then he left our hiding spot, pulling me with him.  I was caught in the drama of the moment.  "Hey!  Over here!"

"Pea brains!  Come and get us!"  Merry echoed.

"We've got the ring!"  I shouted.  The orcs chased us.

"It's working!  It's working!"  Pippin cried.

"Pip, I know it's working.  Keep running!"  Merry shouted as orcs closed in.

Fwing!  Boromir!  No!  I would have to watch him die! 

"RUN!"  He urged.  I tried to comply but found I was paralyzed in fear.

Fifteen thousand three hundred and eighty six arrows later….

"I'm so sorry!"  Boromir fell and I hid my face.  Then I felt my body being lifted. 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  Merry, Pippin and I screamed together.  I was thrown over a vile creature's shoulder and *bounce, bounce* went its shoulder into my bladder.  Warm was the pee that ran down my leg into the orc's chest.  Boromir watched us go.

"Boromir!  You did good!"  I cried out.

"I did well!  Not good!"  Boromir corrected before falling onto his back.  Stupid Boromir.  And I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and….

"My God you are a smelly creature."  I said to the orc as it put me down.

"Gr."  It growled at me.

"Ever hear of soap?  It works wonders."  I winked at the creature.

"That's not a halfling!"  Shouted an orc.

"KILL IT AND WE'LL EAT IT!"  Recommended a goblin.

"How do you know I'm not a halfling?  I am, after all, half elf half hobbit."  That was lame, but might explain away my middle height.  "Besides, I've got the ring." 

"No, I do!"  Pippin argued.

"Nuhn uh!  I've got it!"  Merry shouted.

"Me!"  I said.

"No, me!"  Merry.

"ME!"  Pippin. 

"ENOUGH!"  An orc stood.  "You will all be taken to see Sauroman!  That would be easiest!"

"Aw, can't we just…."  A goblin was slapped.  Our arms were tied and we were forced to travel piggy-back for days on orc back.  I gagged as I smelled, on one occasion tasted, their fliggy hair.  (Fliggy is old English for clumpy, isn't that delightful?  Not in this instance.)

Bounce, bounce, bounce.  Pippin dropped a button one day.  The next I did.  The third Merry did and I wondered what Sarah was up to.

"I SMELL MAN FLESH!"

"I smell orc fart!"  I mouthed to Pippin.  We had all been shown what terror was by these ferocious captors of ours and I wasn't exactly eager to be scared again.  Pippin nodded and broke off another button as our captors ran more rapidly.  We made camp on a big clearing.  Soon we would be attacked by men.  Hopefully I would get away with Merry and Pippin.

"Let's just eat one of the small ones."  A goblin urged.  "Sauroman will never…."

"ARGH!"  An orc cut the goblin's head off.  "Here's your dinner lads!"  The creatures ate the dead goblin.  How disgusting.  Merry, Pippin and I were all stiff and clumped fearfully together when suddenly….

"HAAA!"  Horses galloped over and started killing orcs.  Merry and Pippin rolled away and I tried to follow but I was bigger and more noticeable than they were.  I nearly managed to stand but a horse (relative to the Evil Fat Turd Pony, I'm sure) knocked me down again.  After all the orcs and goblins had been killed I had tried to stand the total (yes I counted) of thirty seven times.  A sharp something was pressed to my throat.  I swallowed.

"Hi?"  I tried.

"She is not an orc!"  Someone said.  "And her hands are tied."

"Perhaps an accomplice?"

"Oh come on!  Honestly!  Would they tie an accomplice's hands?"  Sword!  Pushed closer to throat!  Damn!  Scary!  AHHH! 

"Could be their plan."  A human said.

"Orcs aren't that smart."                   

"You seem to know them well."  Another stated.

"Travel on their backs for about a week and you'll know them too."  I retorted.  "Look, just untie my hands and I won't bug you."

"Let's take her with us, just to make sure."  Said a man.

"Good plan, that way she can't get more orcs and if she is as she claims she won't be recaptured."

"Ugh!"

Whisked away….

(AN:  More later… hope a decent idea blossoms!  Sorry it goes fast but I have a lot to cover and who honestly wants a novel online?  This is just a spritz.  I want to dart about the site, Garth Nix needs to be ridiculed, after all, I aime his books.  C'est delicieux!)