Special thanks: Dancing Leopard and Surfer Girl, you give me something to look forward to on here, o diligent reviewer! I'd have backed out a long time ago if not for you. MERCI BEAUCOUPS! (Thanks a lot)
Sarah, I knew you wanted to do bad things with Legolas and I didn't know how badly… scary. You push me more than anyone else. I fear you'll have to imagine that steamy sex scene, I don't have the stomach to write it (and you're the only one with balls to read it… hahaha.)
LuAnn, you know who this was originally for, considering you pledged war against my gay cousin for trying to take your lad. I side with you now because he recently pissed me off. Hey ho! Shocker for YOUR system, eh? Let's keep working with Luigi and Cinderonka!
Thanks: To everyone who reviewed.
Boring thanks: To me, for always being there even when I didn't want me there. You are annoying and I wish only death upon you but I love you anyway. Yes, we are schizophrenic. *Gollum*
Chapter Nine: Alas! Alas! I love the word Alas….
I rode behind a man with a helmet on. CLUNK went my skull against the metal.
"Ow!" Said I. Alas, what a state I am in. I had been riding behind different men for almost two days now. Let me tell you, while the orcs were not more pleasant in scent at least they… hey, this was better after all. These men bathed on occasion (according to someone) and they fed me better food. They treated me like one would treat a potential bomb. I would just throw the bomb and ride away fearfully, but no!
"Piffle! Your turn to carry this lass." The men stopped and I was resituated around another man. Whew! Talk about body odor! I couldn't move backwards or forwards because my arms were still tied. The sun beat down on my back as the men continued to move in their great thundering heard of heardyness. Thumpathumpathumpa went the horse. Ung, ung, ung. Went the me. I started drifting off into dream world which would cater to my chocolate needs.
"RIDE FASTER! There is an odd company ahead!" Said the leader dude. Snore. I just turned my head for a more comfortable position but the sun beat my eyes. SUNGLASSES! All hostages should be provided with SUNGLASSES DAMMIT! Piffle… well, he piffled. It made me go "Ugh!" And try to hold my breath.
The men that I rode with circled something or another but I was too lazy to look, thinking more orcs to kill, eh? Maybe goblins.
"A man, an elf and a dwarf, what strange company is this?" Leader dude.
"Huh?" I sat up suddenly and saw…. "SARAH! Er… GIMLI! ARAGORN! LEGOLAS THE FRUITY!" Of course, I didn't actually say the fruity but I was very much tempted to, just to get a reaction. Never, I repeat, never try reactions when you're looking to be saved.
"Kate!" Said Aragorn.
"You!" Said Gimli Sarah person, my decided ex-best friend.
"Aha! Where are Merry and Pippin?" Asked Legolas.
"They ran into the forest when these men killed the orcs."
"We killed everyone but her." Snarled Piffle.
"And Merry and Pippin." I reassured.
"No!" Piffle disagreed with vehemence.
"Can we take Kate back?" Aragorn asked.
"Yes!" Piffle began to lift my arms over his head.
"What is she worth to you?" Asked leader dude. STUPID LEADER DUDE!
"A lot more to us than she is worth to you."
"Not just a sore neck?" Piffle lowered me to the ground. I wanted to bite him. Aragorn cut off my bonds and I flicked Piffle off, though he never knew what that meant.
"I am sorry that we may have killed Pippin and Merry, take two horses, if it is enough." Leader dude provided steeds. Legolas bowed in thanks and I saluted them as they rode off.
Sarah rode behind Legolas and I rode on Aragorn's lap because I very much refused to sit behind someone again. Ever. Poor me, having to sit on a sexy lad's lap. Sigh….
"There! A pile of dead orcs!" Said Aragorn. He jumped off the horse and went to search through the bloody remnants.
"As I said before, they're in the bloody forest." I pointed.
"She is right, Aragorn! See these prints…?" Legolas and Aragorn followed Pippin and Merry's invisible tracks. I rolled my eyes and just waltzed in.
"Glad to see me again Sarah?" I snarled.
"I was having a peachy time without you." She sniffed.
"Two hot guys, I guess that is pretty peachy."
"You were right about one thing Kate." She looked down as we walked together. Her beard went past her stomach with this action. "Anal loving is quite painful."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Screamed I. "TMI! TMI times freaking two thousand!" (TMI: To much information.)
"Just kidding!" Sarah laughed. "We didn't get that far." Gimli/Sarah cleared her throat.
"My heart… it's going that fast… why did you have to give me such a BAD visual? My dreams will be haunted for eternity."
"Sucks to be you." Sarah grinned.
"At least I don't have a beard."
"It keeps me warm."
"Sh!" Legolas put an arm out to stop us. "Do you…?" LIGHT!
"YAY!" I whooped. Here came Gandalf!
"Sauroman!" Aragorn and Legolas chimed, flinging weapons like mad chipmunks.
"No you dumb bums!" I said. "It's Gandalf the no longer gray!"
"Indeed! I am Gandalf the White!" WHOOSH went the music in the background. Convenient, no?
"Send us back now!" I whispered urgently.
"I have come to you at the turn of the tide with good news. First, I must talk to Gimli in private. Kate, hold on." Gandalf took Sarah further into the forest. I turned to Aragorn and Legolas.
"I'm going home soon. I wish you luck with the whole ring business. Before I go… Aragorn… I won't be seeing you in person ever again. Can I…." Have a kiss is what I wanted to say before I had to go back to watching him on screen.
But Aragorn took care of this. And he wasn't drunk. Haha! The bigger shock: Legolas blushed and did the same.
"We've always liked your butt." He said.
"I thought… I thought you were…."
"I'm… a both sort of elf…."
Aragorn gaped. "That's why you and Gimli…." I hoped the real Gimli was gay too.
"Here's Gimli! Safe and sound!" The real Gimli returned by Gandalf, looking a bit dazed. "Kate! Come now! I will send you home!" He lifted his staff and….
THUD!
I landed hard on the living room carpet. The light had returned and… YES! I WAS AT SARAH'S HOUSE!
And there was Sarah! She touched her body, checking and then hugged herself.
"I will never obsess over Legolas again!" (AN: Yeah, I'll just keep dreaming.)
"Wow! We're back!"
"Yes! Yes we are! Kissing Legolas made up my mind. I can't be a gay man, besides, there are real guys out there who are straight."
"I got to kiss Legolas, Aragorn, and Boromir!" I boasted.
"Haha! You kissed Legolas?!"
"He's bi."
"NO! Then why couldn't I be a friggin GIRL?" Sarah pulled at her hair. "Hey! It's my old hair! Yay!"
"Do you still have those chocolate bars in the fridge?"
"Hell yes!" We raided the house of all chocolate possessions.
Burp.
"Girls! We're home!"
"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Smith!"
"Having a good time?" Asked Mrs. Smith.
"Oh yes." Responded Sarah.
"We brought home a movie!"
"Not Lord of the Rings Two?" I asked in worry.
"No! Sarah said she wanted to see Harry Potter."
"Oh! Good! That's a great movie!" I told Sarah. She nodded and we grabbed some more chocolate before beginning the film. Luckily, she didn't think Harry Potter was that hot, and she didn't even kid about Dudley. When Mr. and Mrs. Smith announced they were going down the road to visit someone we agreed without a care in the world. And then….
"OMG! Is that Oliver Wood?!?!?!?!" Sarah was amazed. "He is so GORGEOUS!!"
"Please Sarah…."
"I wish…."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
But it was too late.
THE END… or is it? *scary music*