Title:           Deadly Memories

Author:      mahaliem

Rating:       R

Summary:  Prequel to "Xander Harris – Carpenter Extraordinaire" Future Xander, haunted by the past, must save the world.

Disclaimer:  Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy

There are people for whom the walk down memory lane is pleasant, where they greet old friends and reminisce on good times.  For others, it is walking on coals, searing hot.  Only by continuing to move forward, not dwelling too long at any spot in our past, and hardening ourselves to the burning pain are we able to go on with our lives.

                                                  – Life, Death, and Other Things I'm Not Very Good At

                                                    by A. L. Harris

Part 4

Leon led me to an abandoned building not far from the bar.  In many cities, this would have attracted homeless people, runaways, drunks, or junkies.  None were around.  Demons and vampires do tend to keep that part of the population down.  My hometown of Sunnydale had been outstanding in its lack of vagrants. 

I told Leon to leave.  I couldn't trust him to watch my back; he might even attack it, himself.  It'd be safer if he wasn't there. 

It was a big building, lots of floors, but I figured there were two places that were most likely – the basement or the roof.  I started at the basement, crept around the corners, searched all of the nooks and crannies…nothing.  It had to be the roof. 

Reaching the top floor via the staircase, I began searching for the roof access.  I thought I'd spotted it when I felt a blast of magic lift me off of my feet and hurl me through the air.  I crashed into a wall and crumpled to the ground in a heap.  Raising my head, I spied a man.  He was dressed in a blue suit and looked like your normal, average everyday Joe…except for his red glowing eyes, that is. 

I managed to pull myself up, using the wall for support, but when I took a step forward, I was pinned back against the wall.  The sorcerer came closer to look me over.  It was time for me to attack, but since the only thing I could move was my mouth, I started talking. 

"So…you're going for an apocalypse.  Any particular reason?  Did you lose your job…your girlfriend…your mind, maybe?"

"You could never understand my reasoning."

"Try me.  People always said I was a real good listener.  Maybe you've just had a bad day.  I know bad days.  You think 'hey, I'll just end the world'.  But, you know, tomorrow, everything might seem a little brighter."

"I'm not going to end the world."

"You're not?  Good.  Not ending the world is good."

"I'm going to obliterate it.  Erase it.  Make it so that the world never existed.  That none of us ever existed."

I stood there, stunned.  Ending the world was one thing.  I could kind of understand the whole "I want to end it all" bit.  But making it so that the world had never been…that was just…wrong.  That would mean that everything that I'd fought for with Buffy and the gang would never have meant anything. It would have never happened. 

I had some good memories and some bad memories.  I had memories that still made me laugh when I looked back on them, and others that had me gasping in pain.  For some of my friends, all I had left were the memories.  No one was going to take them away.  No one. 

This bastard was going down.  I just needed to figure out how.

* * * * *

Mr. Obliterate the World commanded me to start marching, and, after some ill-fated attempts to attack him that resulted in me being smashed against walls and pillars, I did as he wanted.  We came to a shimmering door, surrounded by magic.  With a wave of his hand, the magic was whisked away, and he ordered me to go inside.  After I entered, the door closed and the barrier reformed.  I wasn't sure what he was waiting for – midnight, the moon to rise, planets to align…who knew?  But, the important thing was that whatever he was planning on, it wasn't happening yet.

I turned around and got my first good look at my prison.  I thought at first that I was alone, but I spied a small figure huddled in the corner.  When I started towards it, it curled into a ball.  It was only when I was about three feet away that I realized the figure was Drusilla.

Her cheeks were tear-stained, and she whimpered a bit when I reached out to touch the tracks they'd made on her face. 

"Drusilla?  Did he hurt you?"

Her eyes widened as she stared at me in surprise.  She trembled a little as she spoke.

"Sir?  You know who I am?"

"Of course I know you.  Much better now than I did a few days ago, to be sure, but…wait. You don't remember me?"

She timidly shook her head.

"No, good sir.  You, as well as this place, are unfamiliar to me."

"Did you bang your head or something?"

"I don't know.  I seem to have suffered no apparent injury."

"Okay, you don't remember me. Do you remember Angel or Spike?  Come on, you have to remember Spike; you guys were together forever."

Drusilla simply continued to shake her head in bewilderment. 

"Then, what's the last thing you do remember?"

She licked her lips a little before replying to my question with shy, downcast eyes.

"I remember going to the market with Mother.  We were walking, for Father had taken the carriage to fetch my cousins for the party we're planning for little Anne's birthday."

"What?"

"She's turning twelve, and feeling quite grown up.  But the sun was terribly bright, and my head began to ache."

"And that's all you remember?"

"I'm so sorry I couldn't be of more assistance to you, sir."

I grabbed her arm, and she let out a small cry.  Her skin was still cool to the touch, and I felt no pulse at her wrist.  She was still a vampire…no doubt about it.  Somehow, though, Magic Guy had suppressed her demon and her memories.  Sucked her back to the time before Angelus had killed her - even before she'd started having visions. 

He'd blinded her.  Caused the seer to see no more.  I'd been thinking it was going to be literally.  But this bit of mojo meant she could no longer see the future.  No longer see a future he was intent on making sure never happened.

I released her wrist, and she quickly pulled her arm back, rubbing it where my grip had been too tight.

"I'm sorry, Drusilla.  I didn't mean to hurt you."

She gave a small nod, but stayed in her corner.  I looked around the room we were trapped in, and spotted a boarded up window.  Drusilla had the strength to break through, but in her current incarnation, I doubted that I could convince her to attempt it.  If we managed to open it up, it would be too far for me, but she would have no problem making the jump.  But again, I didn't think I'd manage to get her to try that little stunt. 

Drusilla was watching me closely as I pulled a bit at the boards, testing them.  I felt her eyes follow me when I went to the door and poked at the barrier, getting thoroughly zapped in the process.  Turning back to face her, I tried a smile, and, after a moment, she tentatively smiled back, before a casting her eyes back to the floor.  Dru certainly had been a shy little thing, before she'd been turned.  Kind of sweet, too.   But I didn't need sweet, innocent, sane Drusilla.  I needed her back the way she should be…psycho and psychic.

I've done some bad things in my life, things I'm not very proud of.  I was now about to do one of the worst ever.  Unfortunately, it was the only way I could think of saving the world.

Moving closer so that I was standing near her, I began the torment. 

"Little Anne's dead, Drusilla."

She looked at me, her face shocked, and she started shaking her head.

"No.  It can't be.  She was fine when we left home."

"Anne was killed.  Raped and killed."

Tears began to pour down her face, but she continued to deny it.

"No.  You're lying."

"Your mother's dead, too.  Also raped and killed.  Your father…he had his throat torn out."

She let out a wounded cry and began to sob heavily, dropping to the floor in her grief.  I couldn't let her block me out, so I grabbed her by her arms, pulled her back to a stand, and braced her against the wall.   This way, she could see my face when I told her everything.

"You're cousins, your aunts, your uncles…all dead.  They died horrible, painful deaths, and do you know why?"

She shook her head, closing her eyes, but I gripped her jaw tightly, forcing her to look at me.

"Because of you."

The wail of sorrow and horror that flew from her throat would've melted the heart of a dead man.  She trembled and quivered, but I wasn't through.

"It was your fault.  You bewitched someone…and he had to have you.  So, he eliminated your family, one by one.  And how do you think you repaid this murderous beast?"

She was gasping, panting, but she stared at me, through her tears, hating the truth, fearing the truth, but needing to know.  Shit.  This was so hard.  I wanted to stop and pull this hurt girl to me, to protect her and soothe her.  Resolutely, I continued torturing her.

"You called him 'Daddy'…the man who killed your father."

The shriek that emerged was sharp, jagged.

"You kissed him, kissed the mouth that drank the blood of your mother."

Drusilla was keening now, in pain.  Despite my tight grip on her, she was flailing.  She didn't know enough to access her vampire strength, but she was definitely making me struggle a bit to keep hold of her.

"You writhed and thrashed under his body, welcoming it into yours…the body that raped your sister."

"No!" she cried.  "I'm a good girl.  I wouldn't."

"You're not a girl, Drusilla.  Haven't been for a long time."

Blank, uncomprehending eyes met mine.  She didn't understand. I loosened my grip on her.

"Your skin…touch me, feel how warm I am, how cool you are."

She made no move to comply, so I grabbed her hands and forced them to my face, then to hers. 

"Pulse and heartbeat…you don't have them."

She moved her palm to her chest, and felt, and felt, and felt.  With a cry, she fell to her knees and began to pray, fervently.

"Don't bother.  He doesn't listen to your kind." 

I scrapped at the scars on my neck, opening them up so that they began to bleed freely. Swiping my hand along them until my fingers were drenched, I then held them out towards her.  With one hand, I forced her mouth open, then stuck my blood-covered fingers in her mouth, making her taste it, swallow it, before releasing her.

"Blood's what you eat.  You've killed thousands for it.  You're a monster.  A soulless monster."

I leaned down and grabbed her wet cheeks in my hands, my fingers leaving bloody stripes on her skin, and thrust my face within inches of hers.

"And you're going to hell."

A loud noise sounded behind me, startling me, and causing me to lower my hands and turn from Drusilla, who collapsed.  The barrier had dropped, and the sorcerer entered, holding a jar whose contents spluttered and splattered red droplets on the floor.  He glanced at where I stood, but quickly dismissed me as unimportant as he headed towards where Drusilla lay, in a heap on floor.  She'd stopped crying, stopped making any noise, she'd stopped moving entirely.  If I hadn't known better, I would've thought that she'd died from a broken heart.  The magician waved his hands in the air over her form.    

"Come, my dear.  It is time."

There must have been a compelling spell in his words, for, with trembling limbs, Drusilla rose and began to follow him.  He turned his back on her to lead her out of the room, to wherever he'd planned to do the actual ceremony.  Probably the roof, I thought.  The world was about to be erased, and once again, I'd failed.  Well, before it all went away, I had one last thing I had to do. 

"Drusilla?" I whispered. "I'm sorry."

The sorcerer paused, unsure as to why I was apologizing to her.  In a flash, Drusilla tore open his throat and drank down his blood before he was able to conjure up a spell to repel her.  My mouth was still gaping open like a fish as she dropped his lifeless body onto the floor, and turned to face me, her yellow eyes glowing, her fangs dripping. 

"Whatever for, Kitten?"

Crazy Drusilla was back and the world was saved.  But I couldn't celebrate.  I was too busy mourning the loss of an innocent girl. 

* * * * *

I stood in the kitchen, looking out at the tables of dead things that were arrayed around the front room.  It was really high time I threw out most of this stuff.  All this space, it would probably make a pretty good workshop.  I'd always wanted to create beautiful, but functional things for a living.  It was about time I started.

Opening up the cabinet drawer, I pulled the orange jar of pills out, twisted open the lid and stared at them.  There were all still there, little, white oblong objects that promised no pain…but something had changed.  The lure was no longer there.  Moving to the sink, I tilted the jar and watched them roll, bounce and tumble onto the stained porcelain, before spinning down the drain.  When the last of them disappeared, I took a deep breath and turned away. 

A small noise came from the bedroom.  Drusilla must be awake.  After we'd left the building where we'd been trapped, instead of taking her back to the bar, I'd brought her home.  It was the least I could do. 

When I entered my bedroom, I noted two things.  First of all, the stuffed cat I'd given her earlier was clutched tightly in her arms.  She'd been delighted with my gift.  The second item was much more heartbreaking.  On her cheek, a tear was rolling down. 

"Dru…are you feeling okay?"

For a moment, there was only silence; then, I heard her whispered reply.

"He made me remember."

"That was me, honey."

"No, you made me remember what I am.  He made me remember what I was…and it hurts."

I gathered her close and rocked her in my arms until sleep once more overtook her.  I'd always been told that vampires were soulless, evil creatures.  But…sometimes I wondered.  Maybe I would go back and talk to Father Murry about it.  Maybe God understood that these creatures were as trapped in their existence as we are in ours, and he'll have mercy on them.  Then maybe…maybe…God will be able to spare a little mercy for me.         

The End

A big thank you to Alena for beta reading this for me.  Also, thank you to everyone who read this and gave me feedback.  I really appreciate your support.