I was curled up with my head resting on my seat belt, trying to get in some sleep on the ride up. It was Lex's idea and I had been forcefully nudged into it by some of the other people in the van. Except it wasn't going as well as I thought. Michael was probably going to get murdered by at least two people in the van and I wouldn't stop it, and the rest of them were busy worrying about finding Michelle Dessler, which was the point we all seemed to have forgotten temporarily. Grumbling I tried to blink myself back into consciousness.
"You really need to sleep," Lex reminded me. He'd taken over driving from Chris a while ago, largely, I figured, so he would resist the urge to kill Michael. I'd cried to him on more than one occasion, and you know partners don't let partners' suffering go unchallenged. I stared at the car ceiling. "It's impossible," I insisted. "In a situation like this…"
"I know," he said, "but you have to try."
"Later. When it's over," I insisted, pulling myself back to a sitting position again. "How far are we?"
"We're about halfway there," Chris piped up helpfully.
"All right. Now, I do not want everybody storming the place, obviously," I said, turning to look at everybody but Michael in the back seat. "Everybody carries but conceals, everybody takes this easy, you hear me? This is a coworker we're dealing with, not a terrorist … like last time." I hesitate on those last three words. "I'm going in the front, and Steve you're with me. Everybody else, set up a perimeter just in case. I won't say never."
"We've got it. Don't worry about it."
"I do worry about it."
"I know."
"What do you think she is, a hypochondriac?" Michael shot.
I glanced in his direction. Chris, for his part, rode it out. "I think she's my coworker and technically my boss and I understand that she needs to deal with things I don't have to. And I don't even know who the hell you are, so…"
"I happen to be…"
"Would you two drop it?" I cut in. "Please. This is not the point."
Everyone in the car fell silent and we said very little for a long while.
"Now. I am going to sleep and you all are going to shut the hell up."
I flounced back in my seat, closed my eyes, and began to mentally reevaluate my opinions of everyone I was dealing with. Chris, Kevin and Steve had always been pretty solid for CTU, although we hadn't worked together extensively that much, and I wouldn't have called on them if I didn't think they would be successful operators under my command. Lex was my partner – no doubts, no secrets, no lies, no holding back – and I had my mind made up about him from the moment we became that way.
Leticia was, of course, my best friend and she had a mean ranting capability. Vaughn I liked, and I was willing to cut him some slack because he happened to be close to Leticia. Then there was the Weiss thing. Then there was the 'I'm trying but lying when I say it's all behind me' Michael thing. Those two could cancel each other out if Weiss had his way. He had a death glare on his face every time he had to so much as look in Michael's direction. It all made my head hurt like a Berghof lecture.
Hopefully the pain would end for all of us sooner rather than later. But I had a feeling that with all the unfinished business it would probably be much later.
Residence of Michelle Dessler's Brother Long Beach
"Are we there yet?" Weiss joked as Lex parked the van down the street. I rolled my eyes but half smirked anyway as I climbed out, waiting for Steve to follow me. I didn't wait for the others, just hooked up with the special tactics wizard and headed for the front door of the suburban residence that belonged to Brian Dessler and his wife Carla. I didn't figure this to be the easiest of takedowns, given that we'd been duped once. As Jack had told me when I'd phoned: "Loyalty is often misguided, but it's always stronger than hell."
We headed up the front walk, rang the doorbell, and produced our Agency warrant cards. With mine being changed since my promotion I thought I might be able to come off sounding more important than I was. However, I let Steve do all the talking, and he managed to do it with clarity and grace. Steve's a good diplomat.
Brian looked from Steve to me. "You just missed her."
"Did she say where she was going?" Steve asked urgently.
"No, just that she had to go and she didn't know if she'd be back." He looked at the both of us. "Is she in trouble, Agents?"
"I can't say," I admitted, "but it's trouble that could find her if we don't."
He seemed shocked and appalled. I don't blame him. Upon Steve's question he said that he'd try to come up with a list of places Michelle could have gone. I radioed the guys and told them there was no further dice on the situation, then stepped inside the house with Steve and popped out my cell phone, dialing home base again. I really didn't want to be on another road trip. Those seemed to be disastrous.
"Bauer."
"Jack, it's me. At her brother's. She's not here and he doesn't know where she is."
Jack exhaled. "Damn it. Nothing here either."
"She can't just have disappeared … Jack, what do you want me to do?"
"Unless he gives you a solid lead, bring it home. She's got to be here somewhere."
"Got it. See you at home." I hung up and looked to Steve. "Jack says bring it in."
He nodded. "I'll get the list and we'll send out search parties."
"I'll round up the team." I thanked Brian Dessler for his help, then walked out of the house, down the walk and toward the van. Everyone else had kind of gotten the hint and was loitering around said van. It was now somewhere in the afternoon and most of us probably hadn't stopped for food or a rest break since that morning before we had all been called in. We were a little restless, a little beaten, and completely clueless. I explained to them what Jack had said and we threw around a few procedural ideas before Steve emerged with a list of mostly L.A. locations and we set off once more. I nearly slammed my hand in the door on accident as I slipped into the back seat, letting Kevin take the lead.
*Underneath the confidence
I will never say I'm strong enough
To be alone*
As I stared at the ceiling, I felt Michael looking at me and Weiss looking at Michael. I let out a long breath. "I wish this were easier," I said mostly to myself.
"It can never be easy," Michael said to me gently, "but I know how you feel."
"I know you do," I said, looking at him, "and then you left me alone to face it myself."
"It wasn't easy for me either."
"Well you don't know how hard it was for me."
*Do you know how it feels to be angry
Do you know how it feels to be hurt
When you live all your life for a moment
Just to prove that you know what it's worth
Do you know*
"That's right, I don't. I can only guess. But that works both ways."
"Michael… we can't go down this road again."
"Our road, you mean."
"Damn straight our road. There's too much going on that's not about us. And there's too much going on that is about us. It's just too much, period."
"Would it be easier if I were here?"
"I wouldn't know."
"I was hoping they would be."
*Will you trust in a better tomorrow
If you learn to forgive every day
All the times that you thought could be trusted
In the end they could all fall away*
I nodded. "What do you want me to say, Michael? The wound is like yesterday to me. What do you expect?"
"I don't know, I just … came all the way out here because I wanted to. Because I …"
"You thought that I still loved you?" I said.
"Maybe." He didn't know what to say to that.
"Michael … I do still love you. I've never stopped loving you. And I thought you loved me."
"I don't…" He exhaled, hesitated. "I wouldn't have come all the way out here when you asked if I didn't care."
"Asked you? I didn't ask you for anything, Michael."
"What about all those e-mails?"
*Do you know how it feels to be angry
Do you know how it feels to be hurt
When you live all your life for a moment
Just to prove that you know what it's worth*
I froze. "Michael, what did you just say?"
"You e-mailed me."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did."
"Lex will prove it to you. We haven't been in contact since that phone call." Something inside me twisted. "What e-mail address was it from? My work address or my one at home?"
"Your work address."
"Have you got copies of those e-mails? I want to see them. Whoever that was, that wasn't me."
Emotions fought in his eyes: a bitter understanding of what that meant, and a pleadingly desperate desire for it to have really been meall along. Silence fell as we all understood. Especially now that I understood, again, the man I had never forgotten to begin with.
*Will you trust
Will you learn
All the times that you thought you could be trusted
In the end they could all fall away*
"Lex," I said carefully, looking right at the man that had always been with me, "notify Jack. When we get back, I want a security lockdown in place."
"Got it."
Michael and I locked eyes for the first time in a long while. This time, with the pain, with the absence of fear, I felt a feeling that was either my conciliation or my undoing: the desperate want for things to turn out different from before. I felt him reach for my hand, and I didn't let go. I couldn't let go again.