Twenty-One
Okay. So maybe Snape was right. Maybe it was a little rough on me, seeing my parents being laid to rest. Maybe it would have been better for me to just stay at home and grieve personally. But I didn't and now I had to deal with that. Snape was right. I was a big girl. I could handle it. And he was there for me.
When we got home that day I didn't feel like doing much. Amanda wanted to go riding but I wasn't up for that. Snape, fascinated by the ocean, wanted to know if I would go sit on the beach with him. I asked him if he was reconsidering living his life as a pasty recluse and then beat myself up for it all day long in my bedroom. Our bedroom. Whatever. I sat in Snape's rocking chair and read Chuck Palahniuk books and smoked. This was the first time I had chain smoked, actually sat and lit one cigarette off my last one, since Michael. Snape had been content to spend most of the day downstairs talking with my family. Primarily he was involved in conversation with my uncle Lupus, though I still couldn't figure out what they were so in love with each other about. This made me even angrier. I couldn't stand not being in on it. But whatever. If thy wanted to have their secret little party down in the living room then Chuck and I could have our own little party right here in the rocker. With cigarettes. So there. I took another hit off my cigarette and turned the page, my hands shaking.
I was thinking that maybe I had a few too many issues for a girl my age. I was thinking that I was still dealing with the fact that I had been emotionally and physically abused for two years by the man that I loved more than anything, then I had moved to a foreign country where I had been ostracized from day one. Jump to getting involved with a man almost twice my age, and my teacher, followed by the unexpected death of my parents by Merlin knows who and living my life worried that he or she may come after me for whatever reason at whatever time with no warning whatsoever. My life was a wildcard. So I turned the page and just kept reading because it seemed that at that very moment the only constant in my life was the fact that I could count on turning the page and finding another one right behind it.
And when I was done with that book? I'd read another one. And when I was done with that one? I'd read another. And when I was done with them all? I'd read them again dammit. I took another hit off my cigarette. The sheers blew in around me and I looked out the window to see Amanda wading out in the ocean, collecting shells. I smiled. I should be out there with her. I should be living my life. I wasn't even twenty yet and I was fucking chain smoking. What would I look like at forty?
Just as I was settling in for another chapter of chaos and mayhem I heard a quiet knock and then the click of the door opening and sliding shut. My aunt Adonna stood in front of the door with a cup of tea and a plate of crackers. Saltines. She knew me too well.
I smiled and put my book down, spine up. I had my feet up on the bed and motioned for her to sit beside me. She handed me my cup and offered me some crackers, which I took. I finished the last hit of my cigarette and tossed it out the window.
"How ya feelin'?"
I half laughed half sighed. The wind blew the sheers farther into the room.
"Severus really loves you."
I looked up at her, taken completely off guard. Where had that come from? He had never even said the "L" word to me yet. What where him and Lupus talking about down there?
"Albus told us all about everything that's happened at Hogwarts in that letter. Lupus let me read it. About your scars and how Severus searched and searched for a way to heal them." She glanced at my arm as if she wanted to see but didn't want to ask. He told us how you've been spending all your time with him -"
"Not all of it," I told her defensively but quietly, and nibbled the edge of a cracker.
She smiled knowingly. "Acacia, I know what you're thinking. About Michael and -"
"I'm not thinking about Michael," I told her, this time not so quietly and more defensively.
"And how he hurt you," she went on. "But Severus isn't like that. He really isn't. Michael was a boy but Severus - Severus is a man. A good, kind, compassionate man. You must know that Albus chose him to come here for more than just protection." She waited to see if I would react. When I didn't she went on nonplussed. "Acacia, he sent him here to meet us. So we could size him up. So we could approve of him. And we do. He loves you Acacia, he's told us that much." I looked up at her again.
Severus told them he loved me before he told me? Was I always the last to know about everything? Merlin's bloody ghost! I wished more than anything I could just be in on everyone's little secrets.
"Well what do you want me to do about it," I asked as I took a sip of my tea and pretended not to care.
Adonna just stared at me. "Accept him, Acacia. For Merlin's sake, let go of the past and accept your future! Severus LOVES you. Don't you understand that? Can't you see it? Or is it just that you don't want to?" She was starting to sound almost angry now.
"He told us that you were like this. This is why he came to us first. He couldn't be sure what kind of a reaction he'd get from you. He didn't know whether you'd laugh or cry or hit him. You're a wild card. You push people away because of what's happened to you in the past. Let it go. Just let it go, darling."
"I hardly think this is the time to be thinking about love." I took another sip of my tea.
"Acacia, not letting him in isn't going to bring them back. It isn't going to catch the killer either. What are you going to do, punish yourself until the real wrongdoer is captured? You'll be waiting a long time, girl. And in the meantime you'll be breaking the heart of a good man. A man who'd kill himself to see you smile. Most of us never see that kind of love, Acacia, and you're a fool to throw it away."
"I'm eighteen years old!" I was on the verge of tears now. This was just too much. I couldn't handle all this. "I'm eighteen years old and an orphan and now I'm expected to just settle down and - and what? Get married? Is that what he wants? He wants me to marry him? And since my dad's dead now he's asking Uncle Lupus' permission instead?" I was yelling now, and Amanda had stopped splashing to turn and look at the house and I could no longer hear voices down in the living room. The world had stopped. We had just lost cabin pressure.
Okay. So maybe Snape was right. Maybe it was a little rough on me, seeing my parents being laid to rest. Maybe it would have been better for me to just stay at home and grieve personally. But I didn't and now I had to deal with that. Snape was right. I was a big girl. I could handle it. And he was there for me.
When we got home that day I didn't feel like doing much. Amanda wanted to go riding but I wasn't up for that. Snape, fascinated by the ocean, wanted to know if I would go sit on the beach with him. I asked him if he was reconsidering living his life as a pasty recluse and then beat myself up for it all day long in my bedroom. Our bedroom. Whatever. I sat in Snape's rocking chair and read Chuck Palahniuk books and smoked. This was the first time I had chain smoked, actually sat and lit one cigarette off my last one, since Michael. Snape had been content to spend most of the day downstairs talking with my family. Primarily he was involved in conversation with my uncle Lupus, though I still couldn't figure out what they were so in love with each other about. This made me even angrier. I couldn't stand not being in on it. But whatever. If thy wanted to have their secret little party down in the living room then Chuck and I could have our own little party right here in the rocker. With cigarettes. So there. I took another hit off my cigarette and turned the page, my hands shaking.
I was thinking that maybe I had a few too many issues for a girl my age. I was thinking that I was still dealing with the fact that I had been emotionally and physically abused for two years by the man that I loved more than anything, then I had moved to a foreign country where I had been ostracized from day one. Jump to getting involved with a man almost twice my age, and my teacher, followed by the unexpected death of my parents by Merlin knows who and living my life worried that he or she may come after me for whatever reason at whatever time with no warning whatsoever. My life was a wildcard. So I turned the page and just kept reading because it seemed that at that very moment the only constant in my life was the fact that I could count on turning the page and finding another one right behind it.
And when I was done with that book? I'd read another one. And when I was done with that one? I'd read another. And when I was done with them all? I'd read them again dammit. I took another hit off my cigarette. The sheers blew in around me and I looked out the window to see Amanda wading out in the ocean, collecting shells. I smiled. I should be out there with her. I should be living my life. I wasn't even twenty yet and I was fucking chain smoking. What would I look like at forty?
Just as I was settling in for another chapter of chaos and mayhem I heard a quiet knock and then the click of the door opening and sliding shut. My aunt Adonna stood in front of the door with a cup of tea and a plate of crackers. Saltines. She knew me too well.
I smiled and put my book down, spine up. I had my feet up on the bed and motioned for her to sit beside me. She handed me my cup and offered me some crackers, which I took. I finished the last hit of my cigarette and tossed it out the window.
"How ya feelin'?"
I half laughed half sighed. The wind blew the sheers farther into the room.
"Severus really loves you."
I looked up at her, taken completely off guard. Where had that come from? He had never even said the "L" word to me yet. What where him and Lupus talking about down there?
"Albus told us all about everything that's happened at Hogwarts in that letter. Lupus let me read it. About your scars and how Severus searched and searched for a way to heal them." She glanced at my arm as if she wanted to see but didn't want to ask. He told us how you've been spending all your time with him -"
"Not all of it," I told her defensively but quietly, and nibbled the edge of a cracker.
She smiled knowingly. "Acacia, I know what you're thinking. About Michael and -"
"I'm not thinking about Michael," I told her, this time not so quietly and more defensively.
"And how he hurt you," she went on. "But Severus isn't like that. He really isn't. Michael was a boy but Severus - Severus is a man. A good, kind, compassionate man. You must know that Albus chose him to come here for more than just protection." She waited to see if I would react. When I didn't she went on nonplussed. "Acacia, he sent him here to meet us. So we could size him up. So we could approve of him. And we do. He loves you Acacia, he's told us that much." I looked up at her again.
Severus told them he loved me before he told me? Was I always the last to know about everything? Merlin's bloody ghost! I wished more than anything I could just be in on everyone's little secrets.
"Well what do you want me to do about it," I asked as I took a sip of my tea and pretended not to care.
Adonna just stared at me. "Accept him, Acacia. For Merlin's sake, let go of the past and accept your future! Severus LOVES you. Don't you understand that? Can't you see it? Or is it just that you don't want to?" She was starting to sound almost angry now.
"He told us that you were like this. This is why he came to us first. He couldn't be sure what kind of a reaction he'd get from you. He didn't know whether you'd laugh or cry or hit him. You're a wild card. You push people away because of what's happened to you in the past. Let it go. Just let it go, darling."
"I hardly think this is the time to be thinking about love." I took another sip of my tea.
"Acacia, not letting him in isn't going to bring them back. It isn't going to catch the killer either. What are you going to do, punish yourself until the real wrongdoer is captured? You'll be waiting a long time, girl. And in the meantime you'll be breaking the heart of a good man. A man who'd kill himself to see you smile. Most of us never see that kind of love, Acacia, and you're a fool to throw it away."
"I'm eighteen years old!" I was on the verge of tears now. This was just too much. I couldn't handle all this. "I'm eighteen years old and an orphan and now I'm expected to just settle down and - and what? Get married? Is that what he wants? He wants me to marry him? And since my dad's dead now he's asking Uncle Lupus' permission instead?" I was yelling now, and Amanda had stopped splashing to turn and look at the house and I could no longer hear voices down in the living room. The world had stopped. We had just lost cabin pressure.