Twenty - Two
There was that old familiar click of the door being opened and somehow I knew who it would be. I didn't look up because I didn't need to. I just stared down at my tea. What was all that nonsense Trelawney had been trying to teach us about scrying? I wished I could see my future now. I was sure if I could read the leaves in the bottom of my cup at that moment they would spell out the words, "Acacia, you are a total ass."
I heard Adonna get up and step out of the room. The door shut but only one person had left. I could sense it. Snape took three even steps toward the bed. I could see the hems of his robes swaying in the breeze from the window but I didn't look up. The truth was I felt so horrible about having screamed loud enough to send him running up to see me that I didn't feel worthy to look at him. I felt like a total ass. My hands were shaking so I lit another cigarette, placed my thumb to my temple, and lowered the smoke to my lips, taking a good long hit off of it.
Snape, in all his infinite goodness, reached down from his little heaven and plucked the cigarette out of my fingers, strode over to the window and tossed it out. He turned to look at me then and when he spoke, if it's possible, my heart broke a little more.
"You look so ugly when you do that."
"Thanks."
"Not a problem."
I still wouldn't look at him. Funny how embarrassment will turn you into the most humble being on the face of the earth.
"Sorry."
"Sorry for what? Being an insufferable prat or for smoking like a damn chimney?"
"Both. I guess. Or neither. I don't know. Whatever."
I was picking at my nails because my hands were shaking and I couldn't think of anything else to do with them. There was a little wisp of hair that fell down in front of my mouth and every time I breathed in and out it flew around on my breath. Like a spider web.
"Look at you. You're eighteen years old and on the verge of a nervous bloody breakdown. I told you not to go to that funeral didn't I?"
"Yes, Snape, you, in all your infinite wisdom, advised me not to go to my parents' funeral. But I did. Because I'm a bloody sodding prat. Thank you. So much. Have you got any other affirmations for the day or shall I just sit here and chant those? You're a real confidence booster, you know?"
"I wasn't finished." He knelt beside me then, between my rocker and the window, and took my hand in both of his. It was still shaking terribly but he settled it somewhat. "You are an insufferable prat sometimes, but you're also a strong, confident, amazingly brilliant student and woman. You've amazed me since the day you walked through those doors to the great hall. Of course, I could never admit it before now. You were, after all, a damn Yankee." I had been getting a lump in my throat but at that point we both laughed the laugh you give just before you start to cry from happiness. "Your aunt was right. I didn't tell you that I was in love with you because I was afraid of your reaction. I didn't think I could handle being rejected yet again by a woman that I truly did love. But you were wrong about one thing." I did chance a look at him then, and I looked straight in his eyes.
"I would never," and he stressed the word 'never', "ask you to marry me at eighteen years old. That would be absurd. How could you sign your life away like that so soon? And furthermore, how could you think I could ask something like that of you? Silly girl. I just want you to know that I've chosen you. I'll always love you and if you'll have me, someday, I would love it very much if we could be together. But you have too much in your life left to do. You have so much to offer the world that I would be selfish to try to keep you all to myself. It would be like - like trying to cage a wild bird. I wouldn't have the heart to do it. It would just be wrong. So how about this, instead: Just know that there will never be another for me. I want you to live your life and live it well, but always remember that I'll be waiting for you. And when you're ready, and if you're ready, I'll have you forever."
I half laughed half sobbed and pushed that annoying spider web piece of hair back behind my ear. He helped me to my feet and gave me one of the best hugs I'd ever had. "Now can we please go and sit on the beach for a while? We have to leave tomorrow and I want to study the ocean for a while longer before we have to go." I laughed out loud for the first time since I'd fallen in the water. Sitting by the ocean sounded like heaven right at that moment.
There was that old familiar click of the door being opened and somehow I knew who it would be. I didn't look up because I didn't need to. I just stared down at my tea. What was all that nonsense Trelawney had been trying to teach us about scrying? I wished I could see my future now. I was sure if I could read the leaves in the bottom of my cup at that moment they would spell out the words, "Acacia, you are a total ass."
I heard Adonna get up and step out of the room. The door shut but only one person had left. I could sense it. Snape took three even steps toward the bed. I could see the hems of his robes swaying in the breeze from the window but I didn't look up. The truth was I felt so horrible about having screamed loud enough to send him running up to see me that I didn't feel worthy to look at him. I felt like a total ass. My hands were shaking so I lit another cigarette, placed my thumb to my temple, and lowered the smoke to my lips, taking a good long hit off of it.
Snape, in all his infinite goodness, reached down from his little heaven and plucked the cigarette out of my fingers, strode over to the window and tossed it out. He turned to look at me then and when he spoke, if it's possible, my heart broke a little more.
"You look so ugly when you do that."
"Thanks."
"Not a problem."
I still wouldn't look at him. Funny how embarrassment will turn you into the most humble being on the face of the earth.
"Sorry."
"Sorry for what? Being an insufferable prat or for smoking like a damn chimney?"
"Both. I guess. Or neither. I don't know. Whatever."
I was picking at my nails because my hands were shaking and I couldn't think of anything else to do with them. There was a little wisp of hair that fell down in front of my mouth and every time I breathed in and out it flew around on my breath. Like a spider web.
"Look at you. You're eighteen years old and on the verge of a nervous bloody breakdown. I told you not to go to that funeral didn't I?"
"Yes, Snape, you, in all your infinite wisdom, advised me not to go to my parents' funeral. But I did. Because I'm a bloody sodding prat. Thank you. So much. Have you got any other affirmations for the day or shall I just sit here and chant those? You're a real confidence booster, you know?"
"I wasn't finished." He knelt beside me then, between my rocker and the window, and took my hand in both of his. It was still shaking terribly but he settled it somewhat. "You are an insufferable prat sometimes, but you're also a strong, confident, amazingly brilliant student and woman. You've amazed me since the day you walked through those doors to the great hall. Of course, I could never admit it before now. You were, after all, a damn Yankee." I had been getting a lump in my throat but at that point we both laughed the laugh you give just before you start to cry from happiness. "Your aunt was right. I didn't tell you that I was in love with you because I was afraid of your reaction. I didn't think I could handle being rejected yet again by a woman that I truly did love. But you were wrong about one thing." I did chance a look at him then, and I looked straight in his eyes.
"I would never," and he stressed the word 'never', "ask you to marry me at eighteen years old. That would be absurd. How could you sign your life away like that so soon? And furthermore, how could you think I could ask something like that of you? Silly girl. I just want you to know that I've chosen you. I'll always love you and if you'll have me, someday, I would love it very much if we could be together. But you have too much in your life left to do. You have so much to offer the world that I would be selfish to try to keep you all to myself. It would be like - like trying to cage a wild bird. I wouldn't have the heart to do it. It would just be wrong. So how about this, instead: Just know that there will never be another for me. I want you to live your life and live it well, but always remember that I'll be waiting for you. And when you're ready, and if you're ready, I'll have you forever."
I half laughed half sobbed and pushed that annoying spider web piece of hair back behind my ear. He helped me to my feet and gave me one of the best hugs I'd ever had. "Now can we please go and sit on the beach for a while? We have to leave tomorrow and I want to study the ocean for a while longer before we have to go." I laughed out loud for the first time since I'd fallen in the water. Sitting by the ocean sounded like heaven right at that moment.