Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. If I did I would be J.R.R.
Tolkien (A genius) and I would be dead. Being dead would not be cool.
Warning: Rated R for sex, drugs, violence, and language.
Note: In Chapter 2 I note that Legolas wears a T-shirt saying, "Elves Love Zep." For all of you who don't know who Led Zeppelin, it was a rock band back in the 60's and 70's. I don't see why people wouldn't know this, but some of you are just not properly educated about great music. Of course Legolas likes Led Zeppelin because I like it and what is better than a drug dealing rock music loving elf? Well a queer Gandalf maybe, but I'm not making any promises.
Another Note: Read, Review, and Enjoy.
The Lord of the Bargain Ring
Chapter 4
Bad Situations
"Who? What the fuck?" said Frodo as he jumped out of bed. "Who's in here?"
"It's Sam, Mr. Frodo. Your Sam," replied Sam.
"Ahh! Sam, what are you doing in my bed?"
"I was scared, Mr. Frodo."
"Sam, in the dark you almost feel like a female."
"I know, Mr. Frodo."
Frodo got back into bed and snuggled up to Sam.
Gandalf went into his room and changed into pink pajamas with pictures of hearts all over them. He lit some scented candles and started playing a cd of Barry Manilow in the background. What a relaxing night this would be.
Gandalf turned down his covers and got into bed pulling out a magazine that was in his nightstand next to him called, "Wizards Uncovered."
In Arwen's room sat little Pippin listening to Arwen ramble about her problems. Pippin even felt sorry for her. As she broke into more tears about Aragorn, Pippin walked over and sat next to her trying to comfort her by patting her back. "It's okay Arwen. There are a lot other guys out there."
"I guess," she responded trying to stop sobbing.
"You'll find one who loves you and makes you feel special," replied Pippin.
"Yeah, yes I guess so," she said not crying anymore.
Pippin wiped her face with his hand. "Don't you worry about him."
She leaned over and hugged the small hobbit. "Thanks Pippin. You're the nicest person I know."
Pippin couldn't breathe under the pressure of her hug but decided it was better not to say anything about it because she might start bawling uncontrollably again.
Boromir sat alone huddled in a corner in his room. Shivering and rocking back and forth. Too much drink, too much drugs, too much everything. He was plotting on the murder of the elf. He never liked the elf even after the elf gave him drugs. Stupid mean elves. Always causing trouble for him. He was going to kill the elf. Dumb blonde elves.
Merry lay in his bed wondering when it would be morning. When you couldn't sleep the night just seemed to linger on and on. He could smell the scent of incense somewhere and another smell that smelled remotely like bubble bath.
Legolas sat in his room still writing. He always felt a little guilty after giving someone drugs. What if in the morning Boromir was dead and it would be his fault? He sighed and closed his notebook and blew out his candles. He left his room to go look for Boromir.
Meanwhile Aragorn was wandering down the hall still searching for his room. Then he heard a voice nearby say, "Who is there?"
"Aragorn," said Aragorn wondering why he hadn't heard the other person walking. "Who are you?"
"Legolas," said the voice of Legolas. "Why the hell aren't these hallways lighted up ever?"
"Don't know," said Aragorn. "Where are you heading."
"Uh," Legolas stuttered a little, "Going to find Boromir."
"I saw him earlier," replied Aragorn thoughtfully, "He was trying to hurt himself in a closet. Been a little worried about him myself. Why are you trying to find him?"
"I gave him something and now I want it back," said Legolas.
Suddenly somebody came walking through the hallway with a lit candle. It was a female elf in a long baby pink-sleeping gown. Practically sheer noted Aragorn.
"What's going on?" she asked.
"Who are you?" asked Legolas.
"Nataliawen," she replied. "What's going on?"
"None of you're fucking concern," replied Legolas to the nosy elf.
"There is some guy down the hall with a dagger looking from someone named Legolas," she said coldly.
Aragorn looked at Legolas. "Boromir?"
"I guess," said Legolas. "He's a lunatic. Okay, Nataliawen, go make yourself useful and help Aragorn find his room."
"Hmph," went the female elf as she led Aragorn away.
Meanwhile back in Frodo's room.
"Frodo," said Sam.
"Yeah?" replied Frodo.
"I want you," said Sam in a seductive voice.
"Yeah I would too if I were you," said Frodo.
Sam snuggled closer to Frodo. "I'm scared Frodo," said Sam.
"Why?" asked Frodo.
"The Mall sounds really frightening," Sam squeaked. "It does," said Frodo finally.
At this Sam wrapped his arm around Frodo.
Elrond got up from being passed out. He looked outside and saw the sun was rising. He looked next to him seeing the dwarf. "Like oh my god," yelled Elrond, "I turned gay and I like dwarves!" he gasped.
Gimli woke up and looked at Elrond then just screamed.
Nataliawen had just led Aragorn to his room as he opened the door. "Ha, the sun is rising already," said Aragorn.
"That it is," said the female elf. Her long dark hazelnut colored hair shimmered in the bit of light that was shining through the windows. Enticing for Aragorn.
"Thanks for helping me get to my room," said Aragorn.
"You're welcome," said Nataliawen.
At this Aragorn grabbed her kissing her passionately and pulled her into his room.
Boromir lay passed out in the hallway when Legolas found him. First Legolas took the dagger that was in Boromir's limp hand and pocketed it. Then he prodded Boromir awake. Boromir's eyes opened foggy and out of focus.
"I was supposed to murder you," said the groggy Boromir.
"I know," said Legolas. "Man you got to stop doing this to yourself."
Boromir sat up against the wall. "Why do you care?"
Legolas frowned saying, "I do care about people you know. I'm not just another asshole like you."
Boromir coughed some and said, "I'm hungry."
"Go eat then," said Legolas as he stood up and pulled Boromir up.
"Thanks," said Boromir.
"Yeah," said Legolas as he walked away from Boromir. He returned to his own room.
Boromir went to go find some food.
Meanwhile in Gandalf's room Gandalf lay still asleep with his magazine still in his hand. As the sun grew brighter grew brighter Gandalf opened his eyes. Time for a shower. Must always smell good, that was his number one rule. He ran through the hallway and went into the bathroom. Yes he was first into it. He turned on the water and got into the shower.
Pippin woke up. He had fallen asleep in Arwen's room and Arwen was roaming around getting dressed. She didn't seem to care that she still had a young male hobbit in her room. "You're awake," she said gleefully, "Come on Pippin. I'll take you down to breakfast today."
Pippin got up and followed Arwen out of the room. He didn't understand why Aragorn wouldn't like her.
Speaking of Aragorn, the sexy devil had seduced Nataliawen. She giggled as he had shoved her onto his bed. He leapt onto her like a cat and started licking her neck. She began stripping away his clothes as he stripped away hers. Those two better do this safely or bad things could happen.
Legolas luckily had a room where he had his own shower. He went into the bathroom taking off all his clothes and got into the shower. When he got out he wrapped a towel around his waist. Then he looked around the bathroom. Someone had stolen his clothes. He went into the bedroom and rummaged through his bag and could find any of his clothes. He growled, "Boromir, I'll get you for this!"
He hurried out of his room and down into the breakfast area. It was like a giant buffet inside of Rivendell. Some of the female elves gasped and giggled at his dripping wet body and the towel around his waste. He gave them the finger and smirked as he saw Boromir who was sitting at a table eating applesauce. Holding his towel carefully he ran over to Boromir and punched him knocking Boromir over. "Where's my clothes?" yelled Legolas.
Boromir looked at him innocently and said, "What are you talking about?"
"My clothes you asswipe!" growled Legolas, "You stole my clothes!"
"No I didn't, I swear," said Boromir who was developing a hideous black eye where Legolas punched him.
Then a servant walking by them turned right around as she tried to hide the fact she was holding a wastebasket full of clothes. Legolas suddenly turned around and stared at the servant. "My clothes!" he yelled.
"I'm sorry sir, I saw them laying around in the room and I thought they were trash," said the poor servant.
"Give me my clothes!" he said as he grabbed the basket and stormed out of the banquet hall madly returning to his room and putting his clothes on.
When he finished dressing (Another black T-shirt that said, "You look at me cause I'm an elf, I look at you because you're stupid.") he went down to the breakfast room again and sat down next to Boromir. Boromir was trying to shield himself thinking that Legolas was going to hit him again. "Sorry," said Legolas softly.
Boromir said nothing. Soon Aragorn came down looking like he just got a shower. He had a proud look on his face. Sitting next to Legolas he said, "You know that elf Nataliawen?"
"Yeah," said Legolas.
"I banged her," said Aragorn puffing up.
"Gimli banged her Elrond," said Boromir in a dull voice like he was talking about the weather.
"Elrond?" asked Aragorn and Legolas at the same time.
"Sure did," said Boromir.
"That's disgusting," said Legolas as he pushed away a plate of food.
They sat there talking for the rest of the morning.
Frodo and Sam got up out of bed. "Thanks for keeping me warm, Sam," said Frodo.
"Anytime Mr. Frodo, a little body heat can go a long way," replied Sam.
Arwen and Pippin met Merry down in the breakfast room and they ate together.
Gandalf almost drowned in the bathtub.
Gimli puked into a bathtub and Elrond try to commit suicide but it didn't work. The end of Chapter 4!
I hope you liked this! Stay around for Chapter 5!
Review please!
Warning: Rated R for sex, drugs, violence, and language.
Note: In Chapter 2 I note that Legolas wears a T-shirt saying, "Elves Love Zep." For all of you who don't know who Led Zeppelin, it was a rock band back in the 60's and 70's. I don't see why people wouldn't know this, but some of you are just not properly educated about great music. Of course Legolas likes Led Zeppelin because I like it and what is better than a drug dealing rock music loving elf? Well a queer Gandalf maybe, but I'm not making any promises.
Another Note: Read, Review, and Enjoy.
The Lord of the Bargain Ring
Chapter 4
Bad Situations
"Who? What the fuck?" said Frodo as he jumped out of bed. "Who's in here?"
"It's Sam, Mr. Frodo. Your Sam," replied Sam.
"Ahh! Sam, what are you doing in my bed?"
"I was scared, Mr. Frodo."
"Sam, in the dark you almost feel like a female."
"I know, Mr. Frodo."
Frodo got back into bed and snuggled up to Sam.
Gandalf went into his room and changed into pink pajamas with pictures of hearts all over them. He lit some scented candles and started playing a cd of Barry Manilow in the background. What a relaxing night this would be.
Gandalf turned down his covers and got into bed pulling out a magazine that was in his nightstand next to him called, "Wizards Uncovered."
In Arwen's room sat little Pippin listening to Arwen ramble about her problems. Pippin even felt sorry for her. As she broke into more tears about Aragorn, Pippin walked over and sat next to her trying to comfort her by patting her back. "It's okay Arwen. There are a lot other guys out there."
"I guess," she responded trying to stop sobbing.
"You'll find one who loves you and makes you feel special," replied Pippin.
"Yeah, yes I guess so," she said not crying anymore.
Pippin wiped her face with his hand. "Don't you worry about him."
She leaned over and hugged the small hobbit. "Thanks Pippin. You're the nicest person I know."
Pippin couldn't breathe under the pressure of her hug but decided it was better not to say anything about it because she might start bawling uncontrollably again.
Boromir sat alone huddled in a corner in his room. Shivering and rocking back and forth. Too much drink, too much drugs, too much everything. He was plotting on the murder of the elf. He never liked the elf even after the elf gave him drugs. Stupid mean elves. Always causing trouble for him. He was going to kill the elf. Dumb blonde elves.
Merry lay in his bed wondering when it would be morning. When you couldn't sleep the night just seemed to linger on and on. He could smell the scent of incense somewhere and another smell that smelled remotely like bubble bath.
Legolas sat in his room still writing. He always felt a little guilty after giving someone drugs. What if in the morning Boromir was dead and it would be his fault? He sighed and closed his notebook and blew out his candles. He left his room to go look for Boromir.
Meanwhile Aragorn was wandering down the hall still searching for his room. Then he heard a voice nearby say, "Who is there?"
"Aragorn," said Aragorn wondering why he hadn't heard the other person walking. "Who are you?"
"Legolas," said the voice of Legolas. "Why the hell aren't these hallways lighted up ever?"
"Don't know," said Aragorn. "Where are you heading."
"Uh," Legolas stuttered a little, "Going to find Boromir."
"I saw him earlier," replied Aragorn thoughtfully, "He was trying to hurt himself in a closet. Been a little worried about him myself. Why are you trying to find him?"
"I gave him something and now I want it back," said Legolas.
Suddenly somebody came walking through the hallway with a lit candle. It was a female elf in a long baby pink-sleeping gown. Practically sheer noted Aragorn.
"What's going on?" she asked.
"Who are you?" asked Legolas.
"Nataliawen," she replied. "What's going on?"
"None of you're fucking concern," replied Legolas to the nosy elf.
"There is some guy down the hall with a dagger looking from someone named Legolas," she said coldly.
Aragorn looked at Legolas. "Boromir?"
"I guess," said Legolas. "He's a lunatic. Okay, Nataliawen, go make yourself useful and help Aragorn find his room."
"Hmph," went the female elf as she led Aragorn away.
Meanwhile back in Frodo's room.
"Frodo," said Sam.
"Yeah?" replied Frodo.
"I want you," said Sam in a seductive voice.
"Yeah I would too if I were you," said Frodo.
Sam snuggled closer to Frodo. "I'm scared Frodo," said Sam.
"Why?" asked Frodo.
"The Mall sounds really frightening," Sam squeaked. "It does," said Frodo finally.
At this Sam wrapped his arm around Frodo.
Elrond got up from being passed out. He looked outside and saw the sun was rising. He looked next to him seeing the dwarf. "Like oh my god," yelled Elrond, "I turned gay and I like dwarves!" he gasped.
Gimli woke up and looked at Elrond then just screamed.
Nataliawen had just led Aragorn to his room as he opened the door. "Ha, the sun is rising already," said Aragorn.
"That it is," said the female elf. Her long dark hazelnut colored hair shimmered in the bit of light that was shining through the windows. Enticing for Aragorn.
"Thanks for helping me get to my room," said Aragorn.
"You're welcome," said Nataliawen.
At this Aragorn grabbed her kissing her passionately and pulled her into his room.
Boromir lay passed out in the hallway when Legolas found him. First Legolas took the dagger that was in Boromir's limp hand and pocketed it. Then he prodded Boromir awake. Boromir's eyes opened foggy and out of focus.
"I was supposed to murder you," said the groggy Boromir.
"I know," said Legolas. "Man you got to stop doing this to yourself."
Boromir sat up against the wall. "Why do you care?"
Legolas frowned saying, "I do care about people you know. I'm not just another asshole like you."
Boromir coughed some and said, "I'm hungry."
"Go eat then," said Legolas as he stood up and pulled Boromir up.
"Thanks," said Boromir.
"Yeah," said Legolas as he walked away from Boromir. He returned to his own room.
Boromir went to go find some food.
Meanwhile in Gandalf's room Gandalf lay still asleep with his magazine still in his hand. As the sun grew brighter grew brighter Gandalf opened his eyes. Time for a shower. Must always smell good, that was his number one rule. He ran through the hallway and went into the bathroom. Yes he was first into it. He turned on the water and got into the shower.
Pippin woke up. He had fallen asleep in Arwen's room and Arwen was roaming around getting dressed. She didn't seem to care that she still had a young male hobbit in her room. "You're awake," she said gleefully, "Come on Pippin. I'll take you down to breakfast today."
Pippin got up and followed Arwen out of the room. He didn't understand why Aragorn wouldn't like her.
Speaking of Aragorn, the sexy devil had seduced Nataliawen. She giggled as he had shoved her onto his bed. He leapt onto her like a cat and started licking her neck. She began stripping away his clothes as he stripped away hers. Those two better do this safely or bad things could happen.
Legolas luckily had a room where he had his own shower. He went into the bathroom taking off all his clothes and got into the shower. When he got out he wrapped a towel around his waist. Then he looked around the bathroom. Someone had stolen his clothes. He went into the bedroom and rummaged through his bag and could find any of his clothes. He growled, "Boromir, I'll get you for this!"
He hurried out of his room and down into the breakfast area. It was like a giant buffet inside of Rivendell. Some of the female elves gasped and giggled at his dripping wet body and the towel around his waste. He gave them the finger and smirked as he saw Boromir who was sitting at a table eating applesauce. Holding his towel carefully he ran over to Boromir and punched him knocking Boromir over. "Where's my clothes?" yelled Legolas.
Boromir looked at him innocently and said, "What are you talking about?"
"My clothes you asswipe!" growled Legolas, "You stole my clothes!"
"No I didn't, I swear," said Boromir who was developing a hideous black eye where Legolas punched him.
Then a servant walking by them turned right around as she tried to hide the fact she was holding a wastebasket full of clothes. Legolas suddenly turned around and stared at the servant. "My clothes!" he yelled.
"I'm sorry sir, I saw them laying around in the room and I thought they were trash," said the poor servant.
"Give me my clothes!" he said as he grabbed the basket and stormed out of the banquet hall madly returning to his room and putting his clothes on.
When he finished dressing (Another black T-shirt that said, "You look at me cause I'm an elf, I look at you because you're stupid.") he went down to the breakfast room again and sat down next to Boromir. Boromir was trying to shield himself thinking that Legolas was going to hit him again. "Sorry," said Legolas softly.
Boromir said nothing. Soon Aragorn came down looking like he just got a shower. He had a proud look on his face. Sitting next to Legolas he said, "You know that elf Nataliawen?"
"Yeah," said Legolas.
"I banged her," said Aragorn puffing up.
"Gimli banged her Elrond," said Boromir in a dull voice like he was talking about the weather.
"Elrond?" asked Aragorn and Legolas at the same time.
"Sure did," said Boromir.
"That's disgusting," said Legolas as he pushed away a plate of food.
They sat there talking for the rest of the morning.
Frodo and Sam got up out of bed. "Thanks for keeping me warm, Sam," said Frodo.
"Anytime Mr. Frodo, a little body heat can go a long way," replied Sam.
Arwen and Pippin met Merry down in the breakfast room and they ate together.
Gandalf almost drowned in the bathtub.
Gimli puked into a bathtub and Elrond try to commit suicide but it didn't work. The end of Chapter 4!
I hope you liked this! Stay around for Chapter 5!
Review please!