Disclaimer- I don't own Lord of the Rings nor the characters, so bug off!
That's why this is on a fan fiction website anyway.
Author's Notes: Does anyone read these anyway? Oh well I'm still going to write them. It's currently 1:41 AM and I have a piano recital tomorrow. I've consumed a lot of Little Debbie snacks today and Cherry Pepsi. Oh fun!
Special Note: THANKS EVERYONE WHO HAS REVIEWED! It's really great. I still haven't had that much interest in the story, which has disappointed me. How come those stories with the girls falling into Lord of the Rings do better than mine? Geez!
The Lord of the Bargain Ring
Chapter 9
Anything
"And then she pulled down my pants and it was fucking gross!" said Legolas frantically pacing back and forth in his room shared with Boromir. Boromir sat there rubbing his facial hair in thought.
Finally he said, "Can you blame her though? You're young and attractive. She old used, tattered, and worn. Who in their right mind would want that crazy hag anyway?"
Legolas shook his head collapsing into a chair, "Some really hard up loser."
Meanwhile Aragorn was wandering the halls looking for one of those handy ice machines. Not having much luck he happened to wander into the same room that Legolas had gone into. It was dark and the elves were dancing around. "Woah!" said Aragorn out loud; "This is like the elf Moulin Rouge!"
Galadriel saw him and rushed over to him quickly saying, "Aragorn! How grand to see you again," caressing his rough face with her hand. "Oh, stubble!"
"Yeah the manly unshaven look," replied Aragorn grinning.
"I like it so much," said Galadriel in a seductive voice.
"You must, replied Aragorn while observing her closely, "You seem to be having that look too?"
"What?" she asked.
"Yeah . . . When was the last time you shaved? You have like this giant hair growing off your chin right there," said Aragorn while sticking his finger on her chin. "Eww, it's growing out of some kind of mole."
Galadriel burst into tears and rushed away saying nobody understood the fine beauty of hairy women.
Aragorn shrugged and left looking for a place to go take a piss.
Pippin knocked on Sam and Frodo's door softly waiting for someone to answer. Sam sulked over to the door opening it saying, "Oh hi Pippin."
"Hi," said Pippin moodily.
"What's up?" asked Sam.
Pippin looked around seeing Frodo laying on his book immersed in some kind of hobbit porn magazine then looked back at Sam saying, "Merry is such a dipshit."
Sam looked over at Frodo then led Pippin out of the room closing the door behind him. "Aye, what did Mr. Brandybuck do?"
"Well," said Pippin blushing, "I said I missed Arwen and he was so mean about it!"
"Arwen?" replied Sam grinning, "Er, why exactly do you miss her?"
"She was my friend," said Pippin. "Anyway can I sleep in your room tonight?"
Sam raised his eyebrows but in the end agreed and said he would let Pippin share a bed with him.
Eventually everyone got back to their rooms and went to sleep. Nothing exactly interesting happened except for when Pippin realized Sam was massaging his legs for him.
The next morning they all got up and gathered their things saying goodbye to Galadriel who snubbed Aragorn majorly.
After walking a while they reached a deserted neighborhood. It was dark and gloomy. The houses were large and Victorian looking but bare and lonely.
"What is this place?" asked Gimli outloud.
Everyone was looking around curiously except Boromir who was at the very back of the Fellowship poking himself with a sharp rock he found on the road.
"I don't know but it sure gives me the willies," noted Aragorn to the others.
"Dude," Merry said quietly, "The hair on my feet are standing up."
Sam clutched Frodo's arm saying, "I sure wish we were back at the Bilbo's Bargain Warehouse again." Frodo agreed.
Legolas sunk down to the ground and put his ear to the dusty road. Finally he rose from the ground and spoke, "The ground sings a song of old times from when it was once alive."
"What does it say, Legolas?" asked Aragorn.
"It goes something like . . .
Who are you and why are you here?
Can't you see I'm dangerous? Aren't you overwhelmed with fear?
Can't you see I'm dangerous?
These roads got, broken glass Bottle caps and old boxes Enough to cut your asses You sexy fellowship foxes I remember when I was young The children played on me No I'm not Michael Jackson I let the children be I remember the women who got mad And left their husbands at home I remember when the bums Just came around and roamed So why are you here? Can't you see I'm deserted?
I'm drunk from spilled beer
Yo, what rhymes with deserted? Hurted, dirted, alerted?"
Legolas finished dramatically.
"What a sad song," said Pippin wiping his eyes.
Boromir stopped poking himself with the sharp rock and said, "What's going on?"
Frodo turned looking at Boromir and said, "Boy you've got problems."
Boromir shrugged and picked up a jagged piece of glass and started poking himself with that.
Aragorn said after a minute of silence, "I get it now. This place . . ."
Everyone turned to look at him to see what he would say.
He continued, "This place is deserted."
"Duh," they all said together.
Legolas shook his head mumbling about how he should be the leader of the group.
"You know what guys?" said Pippin finally. "I'm ready to quit. So what if an evil plastic ring takes over the world and destroys us all? We're getting nowhere and if we keep going to places like this we're just going to be lost. I vote for quitting."
"Shut up halfling," Legolas said, "Nobody listened to you in the book or movie and nobody is going to listen to you now."
Pippin's cheeks went bright pink as he looked down to the ground without another word.
"For once I sort of agree with Pippin," said Merry, "We're getting nowhere."
"You shut up too," replied Legolas, "What makes you think you're any better than he is? You're both equally stupid. So when you two get some god damn brains you can decide what we're going to do, until then shut up. Anyway I seriously think that we are getting nowhere and we should probably turn back."
Suddenly Boromir leapt forward and pulled down Legolas pants. Legolas fell down as Boromir tried to attack him. "GET OFF ME," yelled Legolas.
Suddenly they all stopped. They heard a noise. It was a scratching noise. Boromir got up and unsheathed his sword waving it frantically in the air yelling, "You can take my life but ye can never take my freedom!"
Aragorn covered Boromir's mouth before he could do another ghastly imitation. They all stood quite still waiting. They heard rustling in the bushes. The wind swept through and felt rather icy. Legolas whispered, "We are being watched."
"INTRUDERS!" Boromir leapt forward again yelling insanely.
Nothing happened. They all breathed again just as they heard a crash.
Out of the bushes ran . . .
The End of Chapter 9
It's chapter 9! Review please!
Author's Notes: Does anyone read these anyway? Oh well I'm still going to write them. It's currently 1:41 AM and I have a piano recital tomorrow. I've consumed a lot of Little Debbie snacks today and Cherry Pepsi. Oh fun!
Special Note: THANKS EVERYONE WHO HAS REVIEWED! It's really great. I still haven't had that much interest in the story, which has disappointed me. How come those stories with the girls falling into Lord of the Rings do better than mine? Geez!
The Lord of the Bargain Ring
Chapter 9
Anything
"And then she pulled down my pants and it was fucking gross!" said Legolas frantically pacing back and forth in his room shared with Boromir. Boromir sat there rubbing his facial hair in thought.
Finally he said, "Can you blame her though? You're young and attractive. She old used, tattered, and worn. Who in their right mind would want that crazy hag anyway?"
Legolas shook his head collapsing into a chair, "Some really hard up loser."
Meanwhile Aragorn was wandering the halls looking for one of those handy ice machines. Not having much luck he happened to wander into the same room that Legolas had gone into. It was dark and the elves were dancing around. "Woah!" said Aragorn out loud; "This is like the elf Moulin Rouge!"
Galadriel saw him and rushed over to him quickly saying, "Aragorn! How grand to see you again," caressing his rough face with her hand. "Oh, stubble!"
"Yeah the manly unshaven look," replied Aragorn grinning.
"I like it so much," said Galadriel in a seductive voice.
"You must, replied Aragorn while observing her closely, "You seem to be having that look too?"
"What?" she asked.
"Yeah . . . When was the last time you shaved? You have like this giant hair growing off your chin right there," said Aragorn while sticking his finger on her chin. "Eww, it's growing out of some kind of mole."
Galadriel burst into tears and rushed away saying nobody understood the fine beauty of hairy women.
Aragorn shrugged and left looking for a place to go take a piss.
Pippin knocked on Sam and Frodo's door softly waiting for someone to answer. Sam sulked over to the door opening it saying, "Oh hi Pippin."
"Hi," said Pippin moodily.
"What's up?" asked Sam.
Pippin looked around seeing Frodo laying on his book immersed in some kind of hobbit porn magazine then looked back at Sam saying, "Merry is such a dipshit."
Sam looked over at Frodo then led Pippin out of the room closing the door behind him. "Aye, what did Mr. Brandybuck do?"
"Well," said Pippin blushing, "I said I missed Arwen and he was so mean about it!"
"Arwen?" replied Sam grinning, "Er, why exactly do you miss her?"
"She was my friend," said Pippin. "Anyway can I sleep in your room tonight?"
Sam raised his eyebrows but in the end agreed and said he would let Pippin share a bed with him.
Eventually everyone got back to their rooms and went to sleep. Nothing exactly interesting happened except for when Pippin realized Sam was massaging his legs for him.
The next morning they all got up and gathered their things saying goodbye to Galadriel who snubbed Aragorn majorly.
After walking a while they reached a deserted neighborhood. It was dark and gloomy. The houses were large and Victorian looking but bare and lonely.
"What is this place?" asked Gimli outloud.
Everyone was looking around curiously except Boromir who was at the very back of the Fellowship poking himself with a sharp rock he found on the road.
"I don't know but it sure gives me the willies," noted Aragorn to the others.
"Dude," Merry said quietly, "The hair on my feet are standing up."
Sam clutched Frodo's arm saying, "I sure wish we were back at the Bilbo's Bargain Warehouse again." Frodo agreed.
Legolas sunk down to the ground and put his ear to the dusty road. Finally he rose from the ground and spoke, "The ground sings a song of old times from when it was once alive."
"What does it say, Legolas?" asked Aragorn.
"It goes something like . . .
Who are you and why are you here?
Can't you see I'm dangerous? Aren't you overwhelmed with fear?
Can't you see I'm dangerous?
These roads got, broken glass Bottle caps and old boxes Enough to cut your asses You sexy fellowship foxes I remember when I was young The children played on me No I'm not Michael Jackson I let the children be I remember the women who got mad And left their husbands at home I remember when the bums Just came around and roamed So why are you here? Can't you see I'm deserted?
I'm drunk from spilled beer
Yo, what rhymes with deserted? Hurted, dirted, alerted?"
Legolas finished dramatically.
"What a sad song," said Pippin wiping his eyes.
Boromir stopped poking himself with the sharp rock and said, "What's going on?"
Frodo turned looking at Boromir and said, "Boy you've got problems."
Boromir shrugged and picked up a jagged piece of glass and started poking himself with that.
Aragorn said after a minute of silence, "I get it now. This place . . ."
Everyone turned to look at him to see what he would say.
He continued, "This place is deserted."
"Duh," they all said together.
Legolas shook his head mumbling about how he should be the leader of the group.
"You know what guys?" said Pippin finally. "I'm ready to quit. So what if an evil plastic ring takes over the world and destroys us all? We're getting nowhere and if we keep going to places like this we're just going to be lost. I vote for quitting."
"Shut up halfling," Legolas said, "Nobody listened to you in the book or movie and nobody is going to listen to you now."
Pippin's cheeks went bright pink as he looked down to the ground without another word.
"For once I sort of agree with Pippin," said Merry, "We're getting nowhere."
"You shut up too," replied Legolas, "What makes you think you're any better than he is? You're both equally stupid. So when you two get some god damn brains you can decide what we're going to do, until then shut up. Anyway I seriously think that we are getting nowhere and we should probably turn back."
Suddenly Boromir leapt forward and pulled down Legolas pants. Legolas fell down as Boromir tried to attack him. "GET OFF ME," yelled Legolas.
Suddenly they all stopped. They heard a noise. It was a scratching noise. Boromir got up and unsheathed his sword waving it frantically in the air yelling, "You can take my life but ye can never take my freedom!"
Aragorn covered Boromir's mouth before he could do another ghastly imitation. They all stood quite still waiting. They heard rustling in the bushes. The wind swept through and felt rather icy. Legolas whispered, "We are being watched."
"INTRUDERS!" Boromir leapt forward again yelling insanely.
Nothing happened. They all breathed again just as they heard a crash.
Out of the bushes ran . . .
The End of Chapter 9
It's chapter 9! Review please!