Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. (J.K.'s lawyers will beat me with a frozen fish if a forget that part)
You know, I usually try to lead into the parody, but to tell you the truth, I've got nothing to say about this one. So without further delay, I present…
Sorting 101
Harry sat down at the Gryffindor table and caught up with his friends. It turned out over the summer that Dean had found a muggle girlfriend and Lee Jordan had visited Spain. Before Hermione could talk about her trip to Bulgaria, though, Dumbledore rose and began the start-of-term ceremonies.
"Welcome to another year," Dumbledore said, smiling. "And if my memory doesn't fail me, I do believe we've got another group of first years to sort." At these words, McGonagall came in with a bunch of 1st years following meekly behind her. Harry was a little amused – McGonagall was intimidating when you first met her.
The prim professor led the group to the front where the ragged sorting hat was sitting on the stool, and she sat down next to Dumbledore. All the whispers around the hall stopped and everyone eagerly awaited the sorting song.
The hat opened its mouth and sang:
One thousand and forty years since
Thursday of last week
The hatred of you abnormal mages
Reached a fevered peak
Which prompted the 4 daftest
Idiots that walked upon the earth
To create a stupid castle
Thus Hogwarts had its birth
Oh no – it wouldn't make sense
To help them with their fear!
A tribute to xenophobic
Ninnies stands before you here
Gryffindor was the dumbest
Which really says a lot
He'd charge blindly into everything
Without an ounce of thought
Hufflepuff came in second
Real close race, I should point out
The dullest, blankest soul I've met
Is her without a doubt.
Ravenclaw 'soared' above them
Like a worm above the ground
Actually having a small dim sense
Of the idiocy she hauled around
Slytherin was the brightest
But was hampered all the same
Because of his reputation
He was given all the blame
'What became of them?' you'd ask
Well, as if you really care
It's my job to tell you now
But your boredom I do share
Helga drank a potion that was marked
'Poison' on the label.
Clearly you see her daftness
Is no exaggerated fable
Gryffindor saw her death
And wouldn't be out-done
He drank three instead
(the third was just for fun)
Ravenclaw read the label
And unfortunately she knew French
A curious swig – rotten 'fish'
Described her corpse's stench
The townsfolk eventually arrived and
Thought the deaths were planned
The deeds were quickly blamed
On Slytherin's evil hand
An exiled and broke Slytherin
Found true love – a Mary Sue!
And their lineage can now be
Traced to today's You-Know-Who
The idiots left one tradition
Unfortunately involving me
I'm supposed to sort you dullards
Into your ideal house, you see
So get up here and put me on
I can disinfect myself tonight
And I'll never again have to look
At you – which is a great delight.
"Hmmm…" Dumbledore whispered to McGonagall, "Maybe it's time to give the Sorting Hat the vacation it asked for..."
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It's a short parody (but I hope you can appreciate the time it takes to come up with a sorting song)
Feel free to review (or flame)