Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Mary Sue Division
From the Files of Polaris and AriaPolaris quickly lost track of her partner in the winding corridors of Headquarters. To avoid thinking of where she was going, she shoved her hands into her pockets and brooded on her first mission. Aria had said it hadn't been bad compared to some. That didn't bode well for Polaris and her already tentative grip on sanity. She knew herself well enough to know that she was probably going to give Aria hell, and the poor girl really didn't deserve that… and if she ever found out why exactly Polaris had been kicked out of Intelligence, she'd probably be over in Personnel so fast her head would spin.
So distracted was she that she bashed right into the door.
Swearing colorfully, she slammed the door open so hard it bounced off the wall. This caused the young man working at the gadget-covered table to leap up in surprise. Meringue sauntered over to him, and wound himself around Makes-Things's legs. Makes-Things jumped back, nearly tripping. ''Get it out! It'll get fur over everything."
Barely managing to remind herself that it wouldn't be a good idea to offend someone who could probably design a device that could potentially trap her out of her own reality, Polaris replied, ''We'll only be a minute. I need two new CAD's and a wand."
''I just gave you yours today!"
''The Sue we were dealing with shorted it out by corrupting every character she came across."
Muttering under his breath in a language she couldn't identify, Makes-Things headed over to a large metal cabinet. He fairly threw two Analysis Devices at her, then grabbed a tape measurer. After taking the necessary measurements, he handed her a wand. Polaris was rather disappointed she didn't get to try more than one, but she comforted herself by levitating Meringue and dropping him on Makes-Things's head. After the hissing and yelling stopped, she shot Makes-Things (who was looking for bandages) a grin and sauntered out the door. Experimenting with her new wand, she set off towards the café.
Stepping out of the elevator and into Upstairs, Aria reminded herself to be very clear and uncompromising with the Sunflower Official – usually the only way to deal with any of Headquarters' bosses. There was one rumor that a pair of assassins had gotten time off to visit the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth, but that was probably only a rumor.
Reaching the end of the corridor – she had achieved this by walking straight into the wall – Aria cleared her throat and mentally shuffled through all the John Williams music she knew. Finally settling on the 'Jaws' theme song, Aria hummed it loudly. The wall hastily snapped and she found herself in the middle of the SO's office.
Oh, it's you, the SO observed. I might have known. What do you want this time?
"I have a request," Aria started. "Actually, I have a demand."
Pay raise? Time off? New partner? The SO somehow managed to sigh. No, no, and no.
"I wouldn't mind time off or a pay raise, but what I'm actually here to tell you is that this mindless non-canon character killing has got to stop."
The SO jerked backwards. Is this a resignation?
"Gods, no," Aria said in surprise. "I'm perfectly willing to get rid of Mary Sues. All I'm saying is that some of their Cute Animal Friends really are cute, and the poor things deserve a second chance."
I never say I like an agent, the SO commented, but you're the first one who's had the decency to come up here and ask my permission to keep the annoyances.
"So we … can?" Aria hedged.
Of course. We've got enough marginally intelligent creatures running around the place. Horses, birds …what have you got?
"A cat," Aria said, beginning to feel much better. "They're intelligent."
Quite so. Now go away, and if that crazy partner of yours talks you into an entire menagerie, don't come running to me.
"Right," Aria said cheerfully, and turned around, immediately finding herself again in front of the elevator. She stopped, the SO's parting words catching up with her. "Hang on …"
She really should go see the Director of Personnel. If she actually convinced the daisy that she and her partner were not compatible (probably to be achieved by listing their endless similarities), she could save herself a sadistic Polaris and a whole horde of Meringues.
On the other hand, fifty cats could prove useful, and Polaris really was good at killing things.
With a mental shrug, Aria stepped in the elevator and punched in the cafeteria floor. She'd get some chips and ice cream, go back to her office, and pray that another assignment wasn't thirty seconds away. Maybe she'd even share some of the ice cream with Polaris.
Polaris was sitting at the bar, chin resting on her crossed arms, when Aria returned. She was relieved to see Polaris had apparently discarded her horribly clashing vest in their command center. Sitting on the stool beside Polaris was Meringue, legs folded underneath himself and eyes closed in a look of kitty bliss. Grinning, Aria sauntered over and plunked herself on the seat on Polaris's other side. Polaris looked up.
''Yes?"
''The SO said we can keep Meringue!" She didn't mention the comment about the menagerie. ''And so I got some ice cream to celebrate!"
Polaris blinked as Aria presented her with a cone of raspberry ice cream. ''Thanks."
Pleased to have got this much out of her, Aria continued. ''You'd probably better eat fast, 'cause the Fanfic Alert'll probably be blaring its wires off by the time we get back. You get what you needed?"
Polaris pulled out a CAD and handed it to Aria, then pulled a wand out of her pocket. ''Thirteen inches long, dragon heartstring." Aria nodded approvingly, drawing out her own.
''Wonderful! And mine is willow and phoenix feather." Aria waved her wand around to demonstrate, sending several serving glasses flying. And smashing. Seeing the barkeep's glare, Aria snatched Polaris's arm and dashed out, with Meringue following behind.
Panic is a very good way to unfocus your mind. They made it back to their Response Center rather quickly. Polaris jerked her arm away from Aria when they arrived, rubbing it and muttering under her breath. Then her mind caught up with her (more precisely, her ears), and she clapped her hands over her ears to block out the sounds of the Imperial March. Aria winced, and proceeded to whack her head against the screen. Scanning the text quickly, she pulled out her invisibility cloak.
''Okay, this one starts right on the train, so have these on when we go through. And we'll be in the compartment with the Sue, so try not to scream, m'kay?"
Nodding sourly, Polaris snatched her cloak from her bag, as Aria set the disguises at default.
They materialized in the train, and Aria whispered, ''Fifth year fic." Polaris nodded invisibly, then turned her attention to the trio in the compartment.
"Another year at Hogwarts!" grinned Ron
"Yeah, another year of Snape as a potions teacher." said Harry, unwrapping a chocolate frog.
''Comma? Oh, comma," Aria whispered.
''Punctuation, check."
"Honestly, don't tell me you don't know! They couldn't get a new Defence Against Dark Arts teacher, so he's covering that lesson as well as potions." Hermione couldn't help but laugh at their shocked faces.
''Actually, I think she would be more horrified," Polaris muttered to Aria. ''And how did she know in the first place?"
Aria didn't seem to hear her. Polaris looked in what she thought was her direction confusedly, until she heard Aria quietly fuming, ''Snape as a DADA teacher? He wouldn't have time to teach two classes! Idiot! Idiot!"
Polaris grinned.
"So he's going to try and curse me as well as poison me. Great. Just great. And I suppose Malfoy will still be here. This time I'm ready though, if he says just one thing about my family then I'm just going to curse him"
''I'd bloody like to see you try," Polaris snarled. She felt a tug on her arm, and Aria drew her out of the compartment.
''The Sue's going to come in," she explained. ''It'll be easier to hear-- and hold our tempers-- from out here. Don't take your cloak off until after she comes in, though."
''I'm not a complete rookie," Polaris replied acidly, but did as she was told.
They all jumped as the carriage door opened with a bang, and stared at the person standing there. Draco Malfoy leaned coolly against the glass door, smirking slightly. Crabbe and Goyle stood behind him, cracking their knuckles slightly.
"Still here then Potter? And I see you're still friends with Weasley and that mudblood. You're really scraping the barrel there, or is it just because no one else will be friends with you? I can't blame them, to be honest." He sneered nastily at them.
''At least this author got the insults right," Aria commented.
Harry and Ron
both got to their feet suddenly at the same time with their wands out, but
before they could something went whizzing past and smashed into Draco.
''Cloaks off," Aria informed
Polaris. ''That's the Sue."
''What's her name?" Polaris asked quietly. She was peering through the small crack in the door, staring at Draco.
''This one's name appears to be," Aria paused to check the Words, ''Drachati Wolfbane."
Polaris blinked. Aria continued, ''She has a CLAF we're going to meet in a minute, we'll need to rescue him."
''CLAF?"
''Cute Little Animal Friend."
"Oh.oh my god, I'm so sorry! Are you ok?" came a giggly voice.
Polaris twitched, hands convulsively curling into fists. The Sue apologized to Draco and helped him up while he stared distractedly at her. Aria flipped the 'mute' button on her CAD and pointed it at Draco through the door.
[Draco Malfoy. Human male. Canon. Out of Character 50.2%]
Wincing slightly, Aria drew Polaris a bit farther away. ''She's wearing roller blades!" Polaris said. ''On a train!"
After Drachati introduced herself, the others chorused:
"I'm Ron Weasley"
"I'm Hermione Granger"
"And I'm Harry Potter"
Aria groaned.
Drachati nodded. "Oh, sorry! This is Pandemonium!"
They suddenly noticed a brown Pine Marten wrapped around her shoulder. It unwrapped itself sleepily, blinked, and turned into a mink. Drachati grinned at their surprised expressions.
"He's actually a Pine Marten, but he can change to a mink or an osprey."
Pandemonium turned itself into a sleek brown mink, and then into an osprey, a large, black bird, with a creamy colored stomach. He screeched, and stared at them with powerful yellow eyes, as though proving himself.
Both the PPC agents started. Polaris let out a vicious sounding snarl, which the Sue heard but mistook for the now-Pine Martin Pandemonium. It was Aria, however, who began the tirade.
''Plagiarism! Definition: deliberately copying a copyrighted idea of another. In this case, the d³mons belonging to Phillip Pullman, from one of the best fantasy trilogies out there!"
The dialog in the compartment was continuing while Aria ranted, and Polaris, though still angry, focused her attention on that. Draco had asked the Sue if she was pureblood, and she didn't appear to know what this meant. When he explained, she informed them her parents had been killed by Voldemort.
"So.you live with muggles?" he said, trying to make conversation.
"Yeah, they're not family though. They're my foster family, and I can't say I like them." She took out her wand and started playing around; turning her nails black, then green, and finally blue.
Pandemonium turned into a Pine Marten, and lay on her lap batting lazily at her wand.
Though she wished the creature no real ill-will, Polaris muttered, ''And there was a tremendous explosion. Thus ended Drachati the Sue."
The Sue pulled out a bag of chips and ate them loudly while the others confided their family lives to her.
"What about you Draco?"
He clenched his fists furiously.
"I live with my mother. And my.father." His voice seemed rather hollow, and she blinked, deciding that maybe it was best to change the subject. She chatted for quite some time, before standing up shakily, clutching Draco's shoulder for support.
Polaris threw her cloak on, motioning for the still ranting Aria to do the same. Her hands gripped the fabric rather tightly as she wished curses on the Sue, who took off, commenting both Slytherin and Gryffindor sounded like 'cool' houses.
Aria audibly ground her teeth. Polaris sighed and glanced at the now inanimate characters, then poked around until she caught Aria's arm, motioning her to follow down the hallway.
Back in her compartment Drachati sat alone. The journey went quickly, too quickly. She was hoping in a vague, hopeless way that the train would never actually get to Hogwarts, and she could just go home.
''How do you hope in a hopeless way?" Polaris wondered. Aria, who was just beginning to regain some sensibility, shrugged. Invisibly, of course.
Then she thought of what it was like at home, and decided that Hogwarts wouldn't be so bad. When the train arrived at the school it was already getting dark, which only seemed to add to her nerves. She weaved her way through the crowd of students, and winced as someone walked into her and made her drop her suitcase.
''Wove," Aria corrected.
All her books and equipment fell out and she blushed in embarrassment, hastily trying to scoop the contents back in. A figure knelt beside her and helped her stuff the rest in, and she looked up in surprise. She blinked when she saw it was Draco, and started to thank him, but he didn't seem to notice, and pushed his way through the crowd.
"Drachati Wolfbane?" a crisp voice sounded in her ear, making her jump. "Uh.yes?" She turned to look at the voice, and found herself face to face with a teacher. "I'm Professor Mcgonagall, You're to go straight to Professor Dumbledore to be sorted" Drachati looked blank. "Quickly now, keep going straight ahead, into the castle grounds, when you see the main building take a left, and then." Drachati tried to remember all the information, and prayed she wouldn't get lost on her first day. "Oh, and the password is sherbet lemon, alright dear?" Then she was gone, leaving Drachati to struggle through the crowds to Professor Dumbledore's office... Miraculously, she found her way there, but it took a long time as she kept getting distracted. She spoke with several ghosts and had a bemusing conversation with a portrait of a knight before she finally found the doorway.
''Wasn't sherbet lemon the password during first year?" Polaris asked curiously.
Aria didn't answer, too busy holding her head and moaning over the headache the compressed paragraph had given her.
Uncertainly she stood in front of it, thinking of knocking. Then she remembered Professor Mcgonnegals words, and clearing her throat in an embarrassed fashion whispered the password.
''It's McGonagall, by the way," Polaris volunteered in a voice barely above a whisper.
Nothing happened. "Sherbet Lemon" she said, a little louder, and the doorway swung ominously open, revealing a set of stone steps behind. Taking a deep breath she started to climb them, wishing that her shoes didn't echo quite so loudly on the bare stone. She knocked timidly on the wooden door at the top. "Come in" She walked into the huge room, and her eyes quickly took everything in. "Wow" she breathed, staring at the mysterious collection of items.
The two PPC agents were also studying Dumbledore's collection. Polaris poked her head into a nearby cabinet, while Aria fed Fawkes bits of sweets from her pocket.
Then she remembered why she was here, and turned to Professor Dumbledore. "Sorry" she stammered, and clutched Pandemonium anxiously. "Oh, its quite alright."
''It is quite alright, which it isn't actually," Aria volunteered.
"Lets see, Drachati Wolfbane eh? Well, sit down on that seat and lets see which house you'll go in." He smiled, stroking his long grey beard.
Polaris noted the smile seemed rather strained. She cheered mentally, pointing her CAD at Dumbledore. [Albus Dumbledore. Canon. Out of character 20%] Polaris raised her eyebrows, grinning.
Drachati stared at the ragged hat, which sat on the chair, and approached it rather nervously. "That's it, sit down there, and put on the hat." She did so, Pandemonium sitting on her lap as a Pine Marten, and the world suddenly became black as the hat fell past her eyes. A little voice sounded in her ear, and she strained to hear what it was saying. "Hmmmm.. lets have a look. Well, you have good brains, a sense of what's right and wrong.I think Slytherin would be just right for you!"
''How does that work?" Aria whispered, standing behind Fawkes. Polaris favored her with a glare.
"Oh god no, not Slytherin!" she thought desperately. "My new friends are in Griffindor, and they told me that only dark wizards go to Slytherin, and it's got such a bad reputation." She was getting rather panicky when the voice came again. "Alright, calm down, there's no point going to a house where you won't like it, but I really feel that Slytherin would be right for you. Especially with that unusual gift of yours.." Drachati fell silent, and began to wish she were somewhere else. "Oh well, let's put you in.GRIFFINDOR"
''It's Gryffindor," Aria snapped, drowned out by the hat.
She heard the hat yell out her house, and grinned happily, lifting off the hat. Dumbledore nodded. "Ahh.I hope you do well there Drachati" She grinned, and her eyes wandered over to the far corner of the room to a large birdcage. She breathed in suddenly when she saw what was there. "Ahh.that's Fawkes, my phoenix"
''Paragraphs," Polaris whimpered, covering her ears.
She blinked a couple of times. "Can I.?" Dumbledore nodded and smiled, so she walked over to the cage, and stared at the bird inside. "He's so CUTE!" she said, and stroked the bird through the bars. He seemed to like it, and half closed his eyes. Suddenly she stood up, making Pandemonium nearly fall off her shoulder. "Oh, I was meant to go to the feast.." She exclaimed. "It hasn't started yet, just pop down to the main hall and find the Griffindor table." She grinned, and made her way back down the staircase, before suddenly rushing back up. "Whoops, erm.. forgot my bag.. sir.. Professor Dumbledore sir.." She giggled and grabbed her bag, before bouncing merrily down the stone steps and into the great hall. "Drachati! Over here!" shouted Ron from the Griffindor table. Drachati stopped staring at the ceiling, and jogged over to the table. "Great, you got into Griffindor!" said Harry, moving up to make room for her. "Yeah I know!" she laughed. "Well look. This is Seamus Finnigan" Seamus waved to her and smiled across the table. "And these are the famous Weasley brothers.Fred and George" It wasn't long before Drachati had a whole table full of friends, and as she tucked into her heaving plate of food she felt truly happy for the first time in a long while.
Polaris and Aria found a corner and slipped off their cloaks, there being enough students now that their disguises allowed them to pass unnoticed in the crowded hall.
Drachati had settled into Hogwarts well. She was a good student; and worked hard, although some teachers had found that she was easily distracted.
It was a cool autumn morning and she woke early.
Pandemonium was an Osprey, and settled on her shoulder as she walked down the hallway.
"Hi Harr." she started as she saw him in the hallway, but stopped when it became apparent something was wrong.
He was facing Malfoy, with an uncharacteristic cruel smile on his face. Draco was smirking, and leaning coolly against the wall, with a group of Slytherins'.
Ron and Hermione were behind Harry, both looking defensive.
''Wonderful," Aria muttered. ''From not enough paragraphs to way too many."
''And it should by simply Slytherins," Polaris added. ''No possessiveness there."
Aria thought to herself that Polaris probably wouldn't mind 'possessing' one of that group. She was staring at Draco with a slightly unfocused look.
"I don't see what the problem is Potter. I'm just hanging around here," sneered Draco.
"Oh come off it Malfoy, doing what? I suppose you've been sent here to spy on us. How pathetic."
Draco narrowed his eyes.
"Why on EARTH would I want to spy on Griffindor? It's a pretty rubbish house anyway. Couldn't even beat Hufflepuff at a game of Quidditch!" He drawled, and leered at Harry, as the other Slytherins laughed.
"Keep your stupid face shut Malfoy, and get away from our common room.
Draco smirked again. "Make me" he spat.
Harry grabbed his wand.
"That's it Malfoy. Here's a little trick I learned from Mad Eye Moody."
Drachati gasped as a white flash lit up the hallway, followed by a bang.
Ron and Hermione doubled over with laughter as Harry stood over a cowering white ferret that was in the place that Draco had been.
Polaris looked confounded by this, which swiftly turned to irritation. Aria barely managed to catch her arm as she lunged out at Harry. ''It's the Sue that's doing this, not him!" Aria whispered quickly. ''He wouldn't do that and you know it."
Polaris subsided, fuming, as the Sue returned Draco to his original form. She didn't even look slightly amused when Drachati forced Harry to start dancing, or when he began a cheerful Irish jig behind Professor McGonagall's back, who then cancelled the hex.
''The spell for that would be Finite Incantatem," Aria commented, ''Not Reparo."
The agents felt slightly vindicated the next morning as the Sue became the butt of all the jokes at the Gryffindor table. She was so injured by this she left early, and the agents had to follow her, Polaris casting one longing look back at Draco.
She sat down at her desk, and angrily brushed the tears away from her face. Pandemonium turned into a soft Mink, and curled up in her arms, trying to make her feel better.
A movement in the room made her look up, and she saw Professor Snape in the far corner, marking books. She stood up so suddenly that all her books fell to the floor, and Pandemonium had to make a wild leap for her shoulder.
"S..sorry Professor Snape," she stammered, knowing for sure she would get a detention.
He always picked on Harry and the other Griffindors in Potions, and she had no doubt it would be the same here. Then she thought harder.
"You're the Defence of the Dark Arts teacher?" she blurted out.
Snape looked up from his books.
"I am indeed, I suggest you pick up your books, otherwise I will have to take even more points from Griffindor"
Drachati couldn't help but ask. "More?"
"You have already lost them 20 points for coming into this classroom without knocking. I have no doubt your friend Harry will succeed in losing more."
Drachati shifted her feet. "Yeah..well..we aren't really friends any more.."
Snape narrowed his eyes, and looked like he was going to say more, but her didn't. Instead he stood up, and walked towards the door. "You can stay here till the others arrive if you wish, I have a staff meeting to attend to."
The agents were sitting behind a statue outside, listening. ''Now?" Polaris asked Aria, almost pleading.
Aria, however, shook her head. ''Wait for the duel."
Polaris looked perplexed. Her partner sighed in irritation. ''Read the Words." Polaris did so, her eyes going unfocused. Then she blinked and nodded in resignation.
''I'll grab Pandemonium-- and we're going to have to rename him."
Aria looked disgusted. ''Couldn't she think of anything more original?"
Polaris shrugged, looking with distaste in the direction of the classroom. ''Probably thought she was being terribly creative. They usually do. How about Quiche?"
''What?"
''For a name. How about Quiche?"
Looking baffled, Aria couldn't do anything but stare. ''A bit fixated on foods, aren't you?"
Polaris grinned, pulling out a pack of cards. ''Poker?"
''Fine."
They put their cards away when the students began to arrive, and joined the group of Slytherins who filed in first. Aria noticed only then that Polaris's student badge had the Slytherin symbol on it. Her own was set to Ravenclaw, that house being, she felt, rather more inconspicuous than Gryffindor. That group filed in quickly, giving Drachati glares and staying as far away as possible.
Professor Snape swept in, gazing coldly at all the Griffindors, his icy gaze taking in Drachati's tear stained face and Harry's satisfied smile.
"Today we are going to learn blocking, a simple spell, which I doubt any of you will manage to master. However, we shall see. Wave your wands like so, and say 'Blocktiria"
He sneered as most of the class failed, and made them do it again.. and again...and again..continually praising the Slytherins, and taking points from Griffindor.
'' 'Blocktiria?' " Aria muttered in a pained voice as the agents feigned attempting the spell (in case the Sue happened to look their way).
Drachati grinned triumphantly at Pandemonium when she finally produced what looked like a thin silver wall.
"Good Wolfbane" said Snape, and Drachati blinked, wondering if Snape was really as bad as Harry made out.
''Yes. He is," Aria snapped. ''Thou shalt not go against canon by making him nice."
Polaris rolled her eyes.
That used up most of the lesson, but in the last 10 minutes he called them to a stop. "Now" he said, smiling darkly. "Slytherin, each choose one member to represent you, Griffindor you do the same. Lets see how much you have really learned.." Each house huddled together, and Drachati stood uncertainly away from Griffindor, who were making it clear that she wasn't allowed into the discussion.
Slytherin hadn't been friendly to them at all, and most of them were clutching various injured limbs, or trying to uncurse each other. Pansy motioned frantically for Drachati to join the Slytherin discussion, and she grinned and walked over. Snape raised an eyebrow but said nothing.
"Drachati, how do you feel about fighting Griffindor?" said Draco, knowing full well that Drachati was a good dueller. Pandemonium looked anxiously at her.
Drachati grinned. "Alright. Lets hope I get to fight Ron or someone, eh?!"
Draco smiled, and the rest of Slytherin, who had heard of Drachati's skill, smiled, and clapped her on the back.
''What dueling skill?" Polaris demanded.
''Hang on. Just a second now…" Aria cautioned, motioning to the glaring Gryffindors, who sent Harry out to represent them.
''Right," Polaris said triumphantly, as soon as both students were out. ''Accio!"
Harry and Drachati both looked startled as their wands flew out of their hands and into Polaris's. The Slytherins and Gryffindors stared in consternation as a pair of students stepped out from the Slytherin side. Polaris turned to face Drachati, her face contorted into a sneer of contempt.
''Drachati Wolfbane, you are charged with actually giving Snape the Defense Against the Dark Arts job, misspelling McGonagall's name, also seriously messing with the characterization of Draco Malfoy," she sounded a lot more angry on that sentence, ''having an animal friend annoyingly reminiscent of Philip Pullman's d³mons, also messing with the personality of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Snape, horrible compression of paragraphs and lack of commas, and confusing the Sorting Hat so much the poor thing can't decide if you're a Slytherin or Gryffindor-- and Gryffindor is spelled with a Y, not an I."
''And also for making Harry into a sadistic prick, which he is not," Aria added for good measure.
Polaris reached out and pulled Pandemonium away from Drachati, handing him off in Pine Martin form to Aria. Then she pulled out her wand, aimed it at the Sue, and said simply, ''Avada Kedavra."
There was little time for anyone in the classroom to react, as Aria snapped open the portal and jumped through, Polaris following with Drachati's body.
''Always wanted to see Loch Ness," Polaris commented cheerfully, watching and stroking Pandemonium-- now Quiche, apparently-- as the Kelpie who lived in the lake eagerly devoured what was formerly Drachati Wolfbane.
There was no reply from Aria, who was some distance off and busy being ill.