Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Mary Sue Division
From the Files of Polaris and Aria
Polaris was having fun with Quiche the pine marten. He seemed to like potato chips, which was fortunate, because Aria had a lot of those in her office. Or rather, had. Quiche had eaten most of them, and Polaris's partner was currently at the cafeteria, restocking on chips.
Polaris idly wondered why they hadn't been called on assignment again yet. It was actually a little lonely without the John Williams music.
The office door slammed abruptly open, and the scream that accompanied it more than made up for the previous lack of noise. "WE'RE DOOMED!" seemed to be the general gist of the shriek.
After feeding Quiche the last chip, Polaris turned towards the door and her irate partner. "Why are we doomed?" she asked curiously.
Aria collapsed on top of Polaris, shaking. "The fifth book," she whispered dramatically. "Order of the Phoenix. It is coming. It is coming in June. It is foretold. We are DOOMED!"
Wondering if perhaps Aria had been watching too much Invader Zim, Polaris shoved her partner into a convenient beanbag. "Why is this a problem?"
Aria blinked. "I cannot tell you how weird it is to be hysterical and have you asking the calm, rational questions."
Thinking she had a point, Polaris jumped up. "Why," she yelled, "is this a problem? I thought we wanted new canon to keep the authors from wreaking havoc!"
"Thank you," said Aria, seemingly addressing her fluffy slippers. "I needed you to do that." She stood up again, perfectly calm, and explained briskly, "Having Phoenix means that, yes, the authors will hold off for a little while. They will read. And read again. Then they will analyze and over-analyze. If a prediction of theirs turned out wrong, they will write fanfic to vent. Alternate-universe fics. And you realize that if, say, Harry and Cho ended up dating, and someone was absolutely set on Harry loving Lavender Brown, it would send both Lavender and especially Harry far out of character. Far worse, to make things more plausible, we will have even more Mary Sues, armed with even more contrived plot devices."
She stopped and took a deep breath. "Oh," she added as an afterthought, "and I really, really don't want Remus to die."
"What?"
What, exactly, Polaris didn't immediately find out, because at that moment the console suddenly began blasting what sounded like boy band music out of the seventies. "Uh oh," Aria murmured, rushing over to it and not bothering to bang her head.
"What?" said Polaris again, joining her at the console. Gryffindor Past, it read. "Gryffindor past, when?" she asked.
"Marauders," said Aria in a very strangled voice. "A Sue that's after Remus."
Polaris wasn't entirely sure what to make of the strange gleam in her partner's eye, so she stepped through the portal, followed by Aria. They emerged in what appeared to be the Hogwarts library, both of them again in their Potter continuum disguise as redhead Ravenclaw eleven-year-olds.
Dumbledore's voice suddenly reached them, in the middle of a sentence. "...and this is the library. You can look for any book for research or just to read in all the areas except for the restricted area over there. The only time you can take a book from there is if you get permission from the librarian, Madam Pince by the desk over there," Dumbledore said as he walked into the library with a girl Remus had never seem at Hogwarts before.
"Seem?" Polaris muttered.
"Grammar!" Aria moaned, and headed in the general direction of the 'Remus had never seem' thought. Polaris followed her, and found Aria almost drooling over a seventeen-year-old Remus Lupin with rather bleached-looking hair. Remus was looking pensively past Aria, so both agents turned to see what had grabbed his attention.
She had a Hogwarts robe on so she must be a student as he is. She had brown hair with a tint of blonde in it like his except more blonde. She had blue eyes that contrasted with his bronze pair. Her eyes, a deep sapphire blue that looked filled with curiosity and a little confusion as she looked at all the books and listening to Dumbledore explain about the library and it's history. Her skin, a little pale as his did after his transformation last full moon, which was last Friday. He was captivated. Just then, Professor Dumbledore looked over at Remus. The agents ducked behind a bookshelf before the Sue saw them.
"They make Remus sound like a Sue," Polaris muttered disgustedly.
To her surprise, Aria glared at her. "He does look like that, so don't go comparing him to Sues!" She considered for a moment. "Although I don't recall his hair being that blonde …"
"Ah, Mr. Lupin. Come here and visit a new student of yours," Dumbledore said.
"Wait for it," Polaris whispered from behind the cover of the bookshelf. "She's going to be his student? I thought he was a student!" Aria frowned over this for a moment, then shrugged.
Remus got up from the table and walked over. "Rayna, this is Remus Lupin. He is a seventh year just as you will be."
"Oh, I'm so confused," Polaris moaned. "Is that Remus or Dumbledore talking?"
Aria shrugged again, then winced as Dumbledore introduced the Sue as Miss Faol, and a booming author's voice informed them that it was 'pernounced Fay-ohl'.
Dumbledore continued his introduction. "…has come from a long line of strong witches and wizards and she will be in Gryffindor. Mr. Lupin, would you mind showing Miss. Faol around Hogwarts? I have some important business to take care of," Dembledore asked, a slight twinkle in his eyes.
"Yes, Professor. I would be happy to," Remus replied, smiling at Rayna, who smiled back, blushing a little.
Aria made a sudden movement, and Polaris barely realized in time that her partner was likely to jump out and try to strangle the Sue. She hurriedly grabbed Aria's robes and yanked. Aria fell to the floor with a thump. From that dignified position, she adjusted her glasses and glared at Polaris.
"Thank you very much, Mr. Lupin. If you will excuse me," Dumbledore said as he walked away down a hall that leads to who knows where.
"I know where," Polaris volunteered. "That hall leads to the Transfiguration room."
"So," Remus was saying, "what have you seen so far? I can give you a grand tour of everything you haven't seen, but that would take us days." He began to pack up his books. "So I will just show you the things that I think you need to know and then I can show you everything else later on," Rayna couldn't help but giggle. He has a very cute sense of humor She thought to herself.
"Who's speaking?" Polaris said again.
"Hands off," Aria muttered, standing back up. "His sense of humor is none of your business, Mary sweetie."
"All right then, off to the Quidditch field." Remus smiled some more.
"Is Quidditch important here at Hogwarts?" Rayna asked.
"Of course! This year Gryffindor has to win the Quidditch Cup. I think they are practicing now. The Quidditch Cup is very important. For years Slytherin has won it but this year, it is going to be different..." Remus went on as they walked down the hall and out to the quiddtich field.
Polaris and Aria stayed in the now vague library. "So," Polaris said, "is it a tradition for Slytherin to win the Cup for years at a time?" She grinned. "I like that tradition."
"And that Sue," Aria added, "is very, very dead." She frowned. "Got any charges?"
"Making her an exchange student and blatantly Sue-ish when she could have been a Hogwarts student all along?" Polaris suggested hopefully.
Aria sighed. "No. Never mind that, it was just her introduction. She's bad enough we'll be getting lots of dirt on her later." She looked mournfully at her CAD. "Thing didn't even beep when Remus offered to show her around. I wish the Sues wouldn't target the ones that are too nice for their own good."
The agents paused for a moment, reflecting on this. Then Polaris asked, "What was that about not wanting Lupin there to die?"
"Oh," Aria shrugged. "Rowling's said an important character is going to die in Order of the Phoenix. I don't want it to be Remus. And now," she said more briskly, squinting at her CAD, "we are not going to worry about Remus-deaths, but Rayna-deaths."
"Got it," Polaris said, reflecting that it was a rather pleasant change to have an enthusiastic partner.
Remus, in yet another fit of Mary Sue-ism, had shown Reyna the Quidditch field, the secret way to get to the kitchen through the picture of fruit, and other very important things at Hogwarts, all in the space of a few minutes, so the agents ran up to the Gryffindor common room in time to see Remus introduce Reyna to the other Marauders.
They came upon Remus just as the entered the common room. Remus was saying, "...and this is the Gryffindor common room. My friends and I usually linger here after classes and do our homework together or talk or play chess or something. It really depends on our mood."
Aria pulled out her CAD. It read "Remus Lupin. Werewolf male. 23% OOC". She sighed. So close, and yet so far …
The Sue was looking around the common room nervously. Gryffindors scattered around the common room looked back at her and began to whisper the normal 'who's that girl?' stuff that always happens when there is a new girl around. Remus continued, "Up the staircase here are the dormitories. My friends are probably in the boys dormitory. The girls don't usually like us in there for, umm.... reasons... Come on."
Polaris raised her eyebrows. " 'Reasons'? Exactly what does that imply?"
Aria sighed in frustration. "No idea. But I'm having trouble pinning anything on this Sue. Remus is too good at staying in character."
"Is there anything I should be warned of before-hand before I meet them?" Rayna asked with a playful smile. Remus couldn't help but laugh.
"All right," Aria conceded, squinting at her CAD with a bit of satisfaction. "Maybe he isn't so good at staying in character."
Remus was now replying to the Sue. "Well, James and Lily could be snogging. They do that A LOT or maybe Sirius and James could be planning a new prank on the Slytherins but Sirius could also be waxing his Quidditch broom. He does that a lot. If you couldn't tell, he LOVES Quidditch. He and James are on the Quidditch team. James is a chaser and Sirius is a beater. Peter is really shy and quiet. He is also very timid, and worries about almost everything. Even though they are a little crazy, I think you will like them."
"Anything there?" Polaris whispered. "I caught a bit of run-on sentence and a lack of canon evidence that Sirius was on the Quidditch team."
"And very shrewd observations of Peter," Aria added. "I'd think they would have thought a bit higher of him."
Polaris grinned. "Check, check. See, we're getting stuff on this Sue." It took her a minute to realize that she was actually being a bit encouraging, but she shrugged it off and turned back to the scene before her.
Remus and the Sue had just entered. Indeed, his friends were in there. James and Lily weren't snogging, to Remus' surprise, but Lily was actually helping James and Sirius with a prank on the Slytherins. Peter looked up at the door when it opened in surprise. The agents jumped out of the door's way. It never does anyone any good to get in the way of a surprised door.
"Oy, Moony! Lily gave us a wonderful idea of a prank. You have to hear it!" Sirius exclaimed as he jumped up and ran over to Remus to continue his rambling.
"Whose rambling is continuing?" Polaris wanted to know. Aria shrugged.
"Why did he call you Moony, Remus?" Rayna asked while Sirius went on. Remus went pale. (Aria gave a slightly sadistic and extremely triumphant giggle as her CAD beeped in an annoyed fashion. Remus was now officially 58% CHARACTER RUPTURE.) Before Remus could think of an excuse Sirius butted into a new conversation.
"Who's the girl, Remus?" Sirius asked as Lily and James came over.
"This is Rayna Faol. She is a new student here and is also in Gryffindor with us. Dumbledore told me to give her a tour of Hogwarts." Wow, she is really pretty. Peter thought, not taking his eyes off her.
"Unclean!" Polaris squealed. "I just heard Peter Pettigrew's thoughts! Unclean!"
"I mourn the paragraphs," Aria added. "And for the record, Peter doesn't actually give a damn about Rayna. It's her stupid Mary Sue charm."
"Um," said Polaris, who was a bit too busy feeling unclean to really notice what her partner was saying.
"Hi, I'm Lily Evans. I wondered why an empty bed popped up in the girl's dorm today. Anyway, You'll love it here. WELCOME!"
Aria gave her partner a sidelong look. "Has Lily been stealing some of those high sugar-content candy bars you keep in your pockets?"
"No," Polaris said, annoyed.
"I'm James Potter. Nice to meet you."
"Umm, I'm P-Peter Pettigrew. Hi—"
"Way to impress the girls, Peter," Polaris whispered.
"And I am Sirius Black, spelled S-I-R-I-U-S not S-E-R—"
"Oh dear gods," Polaris moaned. "Aria, do me a favor and kill me?"
"Gawdawful Sirius-serious jokes, check," Aria reminded her partner.
"Okay, Sirius, she gets the idea," Lily said, rolling her eyes. Rayna giggled. She thought they were a fun lot to be with. Lily then grabbed Raynas arm and pulled her towards the door. "C'mon. I'll show you the girls dorm and meet some of my girlfriends. See ya later guys!" Lily told Rayna as the walked out of the room.
"Bye. It was a pleasure to meet all of you. See you later, Remus!" Rayna said as Lily was dragging her. For some reason, Remus couldn't stop smiling.
"Stop smiling!" Aria hissed at him. He paid no attention.
Peter felt a tang of jealousy when she said Remus' name, and no one else's.
"A tang of jealousy," Polaris observed. "Sort of citrus-y, isn't it?"
"Well, she seems like a nice girl," James said, siting on his bed. Aria wondered vaguely how one managed to site on a bed.
"Yeah, but a bit sickly looking, if you ask me. What do you think, Moony?" Sirius added.
"What? Uh... I thought she looked all right," Remus said. James and Sirius looked at each other. The look was of curiosity. Could Remus be falling for someone? James thought, but quickly pushed it out of his mind as Sirius began to talk about the next Gryffindor Quidditch match.
Polaris took the opportunity to again bemoan the fact that she was hearing people's thoughts, though hearing James didn't seem to upset her as much as hearing Peter. Aria took the opportunity to grin at her CAD, which was telling her Remus was well on his way to characterization hell. Actually, Aria took the opportunity to imagine plunging the sword of Godric Gryffindor through Rayna Faol's sorry little chest, but that's beside the point.
The point is that the agents suddenly underwent a spatial jump and ended up in the Gryffindor girls' dorm in order to hear a conversation between Lily and the Sue.
"This is your bed. I sleep here, and Ashley sleeps here. I'll help you unpack," Lily said as she helped Rayna take some of her stuff out of her trunk.
"Ashley?" Polaris hissed. "Bit character?"
Aria squinted at the Words. "Sirius' girlfriend. Never turns up again. We don't have to worry about her."
Lily was busy quizzing Rayna. "So what do you think of the boys. I know you haven't really met them yet or have seen them in action but tell me anyway."
"Well," Rayna began, "I think James seems very nice. Sirius seems, well, a little odd and funny. Peter seems, well, a little too scared of everything. And Remus seems very intelligent, funny, kind, and caring."
"Making Peter's weaknesses obviously to people who have only just met him, check," Aria muttered.
"Your right. They are all that way, especially Peter, he is scared of many things. James is nice, cute, a great kisser... but you don't want me to go on," Lily said with a wink. Rayna smiled.
"So are you going out with James?" Rayna asked as she folded some of her clothes.
"Yup! We've been going out for about a year and 3 months now."
("Is it legal to use actual numbers when speaking?" Aria wanted to know. Polaris shrugged.)
Lily went on, "Don't tell me you like him. All of the girls in Gryffindor like him so please don't add into the crowd."
Rayna laughed. "Don't worry. Though he does seem to be a good boyfriend, he doesn't seem to be my type."
"YES! Finally someone turns him down. He will be shocked," Lily grinned.
Rayna smiled to herself. I think I am going to like it here.
"And I think you'll be dead before you have the chance," Polaris offered sweetly.
Polaris and Aria, in their black and plaid sleeping bags respectively, camped out in the Gryffindor common room that night. Polaris took the time to complain that sleeping in Gryffindor Tower was offensive because she was a Slytherin, to which Aria replied that it wasn't that nice for her either, as she was a Ravenclaw. Polaris thought this settled nothing in particular, but afterwards decided to drop the argument and read the Words with Aria.
The Words told them that a week and few days went by and everything was going wonderfully for Rayna. She made new friends and caught up with the classes so fast that she was already one of the top of her class, besides Remus, of course. This disgusted Polaris and delighted Aria, who saw immediate incredible intelligence to be one of the very worst Sue characteristics.
After a round of chips, which Aria still happened to have in her robe pocket, the two agents went up to the seventh year girls' dorm to observe Rayna and Lily, sitting on their beds and having a normal girl talk before bed time.
"Okay, you've been around the boys for a while. Who do you think is the cutest out of the four wonderful gentlemen?" Lily asked. Rayna blushed a little at the question.
"Remus," she answered before blushing even more.
"You like him, don't you!?" Lily asked with much enthusiasm. For once, Remus had an admirer. She couldn't believe it.
"Hey!" Aria growled. For the second time in as many days, Polaris found herself restraining her partner from murdering someone over Remus' honor. Aria only stopped struggling after Polaris pointed out that it was Lily, under Sue-influence, that Aria was attempting to maim.
"Maybe," Rayna simple stated though by her composure you could tell she meant yes.
"This is great! If you want me too, I can find out if he likes you. He doesn't have girls swarming over him like Sirius and James does. I don't know why, I mean, I think he is very cute and—"
"He's wonderful! He's intelligent, cute, funny, sweet, caring, gentle... everything that is perfect!" Rayna exclaimed.
Polaris noticed Aria nodding in agreement with Rayna's list of virtues, and elbowed her partner. Hard.
Rayna had wanted to tell someone how she felt about him so long and finally got the chance. They talked about Remus for a while which made Rayna think they were having a great conversation when Lily popped the question.
Polaris snickered. " 'Will you marry me, dearest Lily?' "
Now it was Aria's turn to elbow her partner. "We don't MST. We assassinate."
"I know," Polaris giggled, "but why not have fun doing it?" And for once Aria had no answer.
Meanwhile, the Words were assuring the agents that the question Lily had popped was not the question you would think of, but the question of:
"Okay, Okay. Enough of your love life. What is your most private secret?" Lily asked. Rayna froze. I can't tell her, I can't. If I do, she won't be my friend. I can't.
"Umm... I don't have any secrets. You know everything about me you need to know," Rayna said, a little shaky.
"O come on! Please? I promise I won't tell. I won't tell a soul! Please, please, please???" Lily begged.
A CAD inspection of Lily confirmed that she was having serious character rupture – which was quite a feat, considering that she was one of the least-developed canon characters. The agents were duly impressed.
Rayna wanted to tell her but was afraid too. What if she hated me afterward? She is the best friend I have ever made here. I don't want to have to go to another school. Lily continued to beg for about 3 more minutes. Aria ate some chips to pass the time, and Polaris fiddled with the CAD, wanting to see if it could be taken apart. That way, she could go back to Makes-Things. He was fun to annoy.
Lily's begging finally ceased, and Rayna, thinking I can't believe I'm doing this. said, "All right. I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to tell ANYONE. I mean NO ONE okay?" Rayna said. "I promised, didn't I? To my grave, this will stay. Now tell me!" Lily yelled.
"Paragraphs," Polaris whispered. "Oh yes, precious, check."
"Okay. Umm... I'm, um... I'm a...." Rayna stuttered.
"Come on Rayna! It can't be that bad!" Lily said. "Out with it! I promised I wouldn't tell."
And exactly what Rayna was came to both agents at the same time in a flash of lightening horror.
"I'm a werewolf," the Sue said.
This revelation caused Polaris to bang her head repeatedly on a convenient bedpost. It caused Aria to crack a slightly insane grin.
Lily was shocked. Rayna, a werewolf!?
"Really? Your not kidding?" Rayna shook her head no.
(''You're" not kidding, unfortunately," Polaris murmured.)
"PLEASE don't tell anyone! Don't tell James, or Sirius, or especially Remus. Don't even tell yourself. Please?" Rayna begged.
"Don't worry. I promised didn't I? I won't tell anyone," Lily assured her.
Then the plot took the opportunity to take the agents on another spatial jump, this one to the boys' dorm. Aria made a funny little noise, and then whispered, "Motion sickness. Why is it always motion sickness?"
Polaris decided it was rather prudent to get a bit of distance between herself and her partner, so she edged across the room, ending up standing near Peter, who was searching for his Potions book, that seemed to have disappeared.
Remus couldn't help but think of her. He sighed as his thoughts continued only of her. Because of this, Aria amassed enough righteous indignation to regain control of her stomach. Polaris decided that she'd rather be near Aria than Peter.
"Hey, Moony? Hello? You in there?" James said as he waved his hand in front of Remus' face.
"What? Oh, uh, yeah sorry," Remus said, a little flustered.
Polaris and Aria's CADs both took that moment to blow up.
"Geeze, what were you thinking 'bout? You were totally in another world," Sirius asked as he worked on his Potions assignment.
"Um... nothing, Padfoot. I was just thinking about Potions class. That's all," Remus answered. James looked at him and smiled.
"I think I have an idea about what you were thinking about, Moony," he stated. Remus quickly looked up at him.
"Fine, what was I thinking about, James?"
"Rayna," James simply stated again. Remus couldn't believe it. How did he know? "Am I right?" James asked. There was a long pause of silence.
"Is it that obvious?" Remus asked, a silly grin on his face. (The exploded CADs began smoking in protest.) James and Sirius laughed. "Do you think she knows?"
"I doubt it, Moony ol' pal. Don't worry. Your secrets safe with us just as the other one is," Sirius said, putting an arm around Remus.
"Oh, now aren't those comforting words?" Remus said before dodging a light blow from Sirius. All three of them laughed as they walked up to their dorms.
"Hang on," Polaris muttered. "Weren't they in the dorm in the first place?" Aria didn't answer, because abrupt changes of scenery apparently made her lose her lunch. "You'd be awful at Apperating," Polaris told her, though she vaguely wondered if perhaps Aria's queasiness had more to do with the fact that the Words were praising Remus and insulting Peter. It made her a little queasy too.
"Okay," Aria said. "We're going to take another jump, but this time we'll be using the portal. Wonderful thing. Anyway, what you need to know before we go is –" She squinted at the Words. "We'll be going to a full moon, and Lily doesn't tell Rayna a single damn thing about Remus also being a werewolf." She grinned. "Good for her." She readied the portal, which opened out onto the Gryffindor common room at night. Pulling on her Invisibility Cloak, she gestured to Polaris. "After you."
The two agents stepped through to find Remus sitting alone in the common room late at night. Right on cue, Dumbledore walked in.
"Ready to go?" Dumbledore said in a low voice. Even though he looked at Remus sadly, wishing he didn't have to go through another transformation, he smiled to himself. He has a surprise in store for him that I think he will rather enjoy.
Polaris and Aria looked at each other. "You know," Polaris said, "hearing Dumbledore's thoughts is one of the weirdest things that's ever happened to me." Aria nodded agreement, and they followed Remus and Dumbledore out of the room and in the direction of the Whomping Willow.
Soon they arrived, inexplicably, at the door of the Shrieking Shack, which was not boarded up. Dumbledore opened the Shack's door, and Remus' mouth dropped open.
Standing before him was Rayna in the middle of the room. Both Rayna's and Remus' eyes widened as Dumbledore, again, smiled to himself.
"Hey," Aria whispered, "is it just me, or is it a bad idea to have two werewolves in the same room?"
"Maybe he'll rip her to pieces," Polaris suggested hopefully.
"What are you doing here?" Remus and the Sue asked in unison. Then, they both gasped.
"You are a werewolf, too?!" Rayna asked, still standing there. Remus, looked at the ground for a moment before replying.
"Yes. And you are as well?" He asked. Rayna nodded, still amazed at what had just happened.
"Well, I should leave before the full moon comes around. I hope being together will help you tonight." Dumbledore said before leaving the Shrieking Shack. After he left, there was a short pause of silence.
Polaris broke it. "Say, why didn't we leave with Dumbledore?"
"We need more dirt on the Sue."
Polaris shrugged and didn't mentioned the getting-ripped-to-shreds part.
"It is almost dark. We should be prepared," Remus said, walking around the small shack, locking the door and windows, both upstairs and down. ("Continuity, check," Polaris told Aria.)
"What do you do during your transformations here if you can't go outside or anything?" Rayna asked. She was used to her house and yard for transformations that went on as far as the eye could see. She could run around, explore, and sniff anything in the area.
"Oh yeah," Polaris grinned, "She sure had smart parents."
"Well, I usually just sit here and wait until James and Sirius come."
"James and Sirius are werewolves, too?!" Rayna asked. Wow! Just how many werewolves are there in this school? (Both agents snorted with laughter at this.)
"No, they are Animagi (Is that the plural form of Animagus?), though I probably shouldn't have told you that," Remus said, giving her a tired grin.
"Yes, Animagi is the plural of Animagus," Aria said in a tired voice to match Remus' grin, "and I sincerely hope that was the author asking, not our Remus here."
"Making Remus stupid, check," Polaris offered. "And betraying his friends' trust too, check, I think. You don't go around telling everyone that your friends are Animagi."
"Leaving Peter out, check," Aria added, warming to it.
"Anyway," Remus continued, "they can't come tonight. They are actually going to study for the Charms exam on Friday."
"Some friends," Polaris muttered.
Barely a second after Remus finished speaking, the full moon began to affect on them. They both crouched over in pain.
"Okay," said Aria, activating the portal, "now we go."
They went.
The portal reopened on the Gryffindor common room in the daylight again. Just as they got there, so did Dumbledore, Remus, and Rayna. Dumbledore was saying, "I want both of you to sleep all day and rest. You need it. And Rayna, if anyone asks, tell them that you were sick in the Hospital Wing last night and early this morning. Same goes for you, Remus." Rayna and Remus nodded and Dumbledore left for his office.
"Well, I guess I will see you whenever we are both awake, eh?" Remus said as they walked up the stairs to the dorms. The agents followed.
"Um, I know this is a little stupid, but do you think I could stay with you today? I don't really want to be alone in the huge dorm room all day. I would get really bored and lonesome," Rayna asked. Remus thought about it for a moment.
"Just say no!" Aria hissed.
"Okay, you can stay with me. I don't think any harm with come of that." Rayna smiled and thanked him as then entered the boys dormitory. Remus got into his bed right when Rayna noticed a problem.
"Um, Remus?"
"Hmm?"
"Where should I sleep?" Remus thought for a moment and then had an idea. No, she wouldn't want to do that. It would be too uncomfortable. But...what other choice do we have?
"Well, let's see," Polaris said. "There's James' bed, and Peter's bed, and Sirius' bed, and your bed. Let me guess which bed she'll take."
"She'd better not," Aria growled.
"Umm..." Remus said, "I guess, if your all right with it, you could sleep with me, I ,mean, in my bed, nothing else. I don't think any of the guys would like it if they saw a sleeping girl in their bed. Actually, they would probably like it but I don't think it would be a good idea," Remus concluded.
"If it's not a good idea," Aria said, voice shaking, "don't do it!"
The Sue said, "I guess that would be fine. I mean, we aren't doing anything, right?"
"Of course not," Remus said, slightly rushed. "We aren't doing anything." So Rayna pulled the covers up and –
"Hold it!" Aria shrieked, throwing off her Invisibility Cloak. Polaris followed suit. "That's it," Aria snapped. "You are not getting in the same bed as Remus Lupin as long as we're both living, and that's final!"
The Sue looked confused. "Where did you come from?" She saw their Ravenclaw badges. "How'd you know the password?"
"Shut up," Polaris advised her.
"Thank you," Aria grinned. "Now – Rayna Faol, you are charged with making the Marauders only reluctantly friends with Peter – though I can give you some credit for including him – making Peter's weaknesses obviously to people who have only just met him, changing tenses without warning, and – oh gods – murdering Remus's characterization, for discovering upon minutes of arriving secret passages, which are, by definition, secret and only known to the Marauders (and probably Dumbledore), starting Hogwarts in the seventh year and immediately being one of the top students, and for giving me motion sickness." She looked at Polaris. "Did I miss anything?"
"Er … you're also charged with somehow killing Lily's characterization, for making godsawful Sirius jokes, and for screwing with Hogwarts and Hogsmeade geography," Polaris said. "Oh, and mixing 'your' and 'you're' and 'it's' and 'its.' It's a pity we can't send you to Miss Cam to have grammar pounded into you, but I guess we'll just have to settle for killing you. Any last, non-sappy words?"
"Excuse me," Remus said tentatively, "but I don't know what you're talking about, and Rayna and I were just going to lie down for a little nap." He blushed.
"Sorry, Remus," Aria said, not taking her eyes off the Sue, "but you're not yourself right now. You wouldn't really like her. We apologize for the inconvenience, though." She nodded to her partner.
Polaris cheerfully shot Rayna with a silver bullet.
Both agents caught the Sue as she fell. Opening the portal, Aria winked at Remus, who was looking deeply confused. "Nice talking with you, Remus. By the way, you look much better now that your hair isn't blonde any more." They dragged the body through the portal and closed it.
There was momentary silence. Then Polaris said, "I'll take the CADs to Makes-Things, okay?"
"Sure –" Aria started, and then there was a knock on the door. Which was smoking. Exchanging curious looks, the agents crept towards the door, and Polaris opened it gingerly.
Five creatures were sitting politely in the hallway – two fiery demons, two very large spiders, and a disgruntled owl.
"Our minis are here!" Polaris squealed, diving down among them. There was momentary havoc, in which it was established which creature belonged to whom. Polaris ended up with Draoc the mini-Aragog sitting happily on her lap, with Biblo the mini-balrog attempting to curl around her shoulders (singeing her hair a bit in the process). Pipin the mini-balrog wove around Aria's knees in the manner of a flaming cat, and Lupi the mini-Aragog scuttled off to look around the agents' office.
The owl hooted reproachfully.
"Ah," said Aria. "Sorry." She took its proffered letter, skimmed the contents, and squealed happily. "Polaris! We get to go on vacation!"
Her partner jumped to her feet, spilling reproachful minis. "We what?"
"Well, not exactly vacation," Aria amended. "You know the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy?"
"Of course," Polaris said scornfully. "Our mini-Aragogs are imported from there. How dumb do you think I am?"
Feeling it would be best for her health not to answer that question, Aria pressed on, "Well, Meir Brin sent us this owl requesting that we come to HFA to be sort of … bodyguards at some classes. Remus' and Draco's classes, respectively." She looked up excitedly from the letter. "Want to go?"
"To relatively-canon Hogwarts? To torture fangirls?" Polaris asked.
Aria nodded.
Polaris pulled a tranquilizer gun from somewhere in her purple vest. "All set!"
Aria briefly considered feeling sorry for the fangirls. Then she decided against it.