No, there still is no action, though we are getting closer. But I like to
establish the relationship between the many people here and show some of
their thoughts and feelings on certain matters before we get into that
whole war thing. I don't feel stagnated with these chapters....without
them, I believe the story would be dull and meaningless.
Dear Mae Noelle, as to why Legolas asks Irulan to be with him: First off, he knows that Irulan loves him. I mean, they have an intimacy on a certain level, don't they? She obviously trusts him and cares for him. He does not know that she is IN love with him, yet, and I don't think he would realize that on his own. It would be too much to imagine for him, I would guess. Anyway, all he does is to promise her to do anything in his power to make her happy. And I think in his heart, Legolas accepts the fact that Irulan might leave him if she falls in love with someone else. And yet, he is willing to take that risk and be by her side until that happens. So, he is actually the complete opposite of selfish. He does not expect commitment or anything in return on her behalf, but he offers to give her as much as he can.
One thing I want to establish in this story is the difference between elves and humans - especially when it comes to love (as I believe it would be). Irulan is reserved, confused and indecisive. She is afraid to follow her heart and terrified of breaking her shell - that is, showing her true feelings to others. She is battling constant inner conflicts and constantly changing under the pressure of her emotions. And, on top of that, those emotions are not nearly as strong as Legolas'. Legolas, on the other hand is completely the opposite. He accepts his love and does not fear it. He sees no reason in hiding it, either. He understands neither Irulan's conflicts, nor her fear - for him, love is as natural a phenomenon as life itself. He does not doubt his heart and he has enough courage to face the consequences. And he does not sway - although his emotional pressure is much, much stronger. It never occurs to him to lie, deceit, pretend in the matter. He has a mighty weakness for Irulan and he sees no reason why he should present himself otherwise. So he is the stronger one, and yet, because of his gentleness and honesty about the matter, he might come across as weaker. In other words, kiki my beloved reader, it is not weak for him to be this open and subservient to Irulan - on the contrary, I think he is capable of doing that because he is so much stronger than her and other humans.
Legolas was lying behind Irulan, his arm encircled around her waist, not really sleeping, just enjoying the warmth of her body. He was surprised that Irulan had actually allowed this kind of closeness.......but he admired her determination in following a made decision. She tried to follow it to the point of being ruthless to herself, actually. Legolas would usually hold watch, since he felt little need for sleep. However, Aragorn had offered to hold the watch that day, saying that he was missing sleep himself and that there were enough of King Theoden's men to watch the entire convoy anyway. And he had accepted willingly. He would much rather lie with Irulan, watching her sleep or embracing her, than walk alone on the rocky hills of Rohan under the moonlight.
He felt Irulan shudder and knew that she was dreaming again. His own elvish cloak was draped around her along with her own, so it could not be the cool air of the Rohan nights. He felt a tension in him then.......a fear that she would once more go through what she did a day before. A minute passed during which he remained alert and debated with himself as to whether he should wake her now or not. Before he could reach a conclusion though, Irulan flinched and woke up. He could tell that she was awake even though her back was turned to him. "Irulan, are you well?" he whispered.
For one instant Irulan was surprised to hear his voice so nearby, and she looked around to understand where she was. Then it all came back to her slowly and she felt before she saw Legolas behind her, his left arm a comfortable weight around her waist. She carefully rolled back to face him.
"Legolas, don't you ever sleep?" she whispered, smiling. She suddenly felt happy that he was here, with her; that she had woken up to find him and that she was not alone now when dreams and future thoughts were pressing down on her.
He smiled back. "Of course I do. But I must tire first.....and well.....I never tire," he said grinning. Irulan grinned back and gently smacked him on the shoulder. They lay there, their bodies close, smiling at each other for no reason. Legolas adjusted the cloaks on her and softly caressed her cheek.
"You were dreaming again," he said, and it was not a question.
Irulan nodded.
"Was it a disturbing dream?"
She was silent for a moment. "I dream so often about the druids now, Legolas," she said finally, drawing little circles on the ground between them. "I don't know what to make of it." She looked up at him and there was distinctive fear in her eyes. "Do you think.......do you....." she said, but Legolas cut her off.
"No," he said curtly.
"But Legolas......"
"No."
Irulan was still for a moment, then began to draw circles on the ground again. "I am afraid," she whispered a long time later.
Legolas held her hand then. "Irulan.......I think you should not attend this battle."
Irulan looked up at him with disbelief. "And desert you all? No!"
"Why do you think of it that way? There are many women here. They will not attend, either. Eowyn will not attend."
"They do not have my skills. There is no way I am getting tucked in with the others while you are fighting for your lives!" She said with mild irritation. Legolas kissed her hand and kept it in his, softly playing with her fingers. He did not reply. "Legolas, if you were in my position......you would fight, too." He did not look up but sighed softly.
"Alas, I would. And I know that it would be wrong to lock you away. Yet.......if I had the say or the power, I would not hesitate for a moment to do so."
"Well good thing you have neither, then," she said matter-of-factly.
"I don't think I can bear it if anything happens to you, Irulan."
Irulan sighed and pulled her hand back, along with his, then placed a kiss on his, which made Legolas look up with the most peculiar expression on his face. She smiled at his shock. "I know," she said softly. "I wish things were different, Legolas.".
He scooted closer. "I often thought how it would have been if you came to Mirkwood for the archery lessons," he whispered.
Irulan could not help giggling. "That would be something!" She became silent then. "Legolas....." she said and paused, "do you think you would feel the same way.....about me.....if I had never left my life? If I had come to Mirkwood instead of running away?"
Legolas scooted even closer and softly kissed her on the lips. "Do you doubt it?" he whispered.
"I would not turn out to be the same person then," she said and shrugged.
"Yes you would," he said softly and stroked her cheek. A long moment passed. "Do you know when I first felt for you, Irulan?" he said suddenly.
She looked up at him. The soft light of the moon was swimming in his eyes and his hair, that was flowing down his shoulders and stood like some dull pool of sunlight around his shoulders. His head was resting on his bent right arm. His skin was like marble. But it was not these external things that made Legolas beautiful. He was a walking flame, giving off his light and heat wherever he went. He had not changed even a bit ever since Irulan had met him five years ago, although she probably did...a lot. Most would find that intimidating, but Irulan found it comforting - it felt like coming home after a long time and finding your own room exactly the way it was. She had no dreams of immortality. The concept itself evaded her human brain. However, she could imagine herself with Legolas for lifetime over lifetime. 'And anyone you deem worthy enough to spend that much time with, HAS to be someone special', she thought.
"I did not know it then, though," he whispered, smiling. "I discovered it much later. Do you remember the first day we met? When you touched my shoulder to save yourself from Lord Endor?"
Irulan smiled. "Of course I do! I was so glad you turned out to be a guest. And a man! But I never thought you would turn out to be an elf!" she giggled. "I was so embarrassed!"
"I know," he said and laughed softly. "It was obvious. Remember when we sat down for dinner later on? You were sitting across me and towards my right." His eyes glazed with the memory. "I remember it very clearly. I remember everything about you - the smallest details about your dress, your hair, your face. The way a strand of your dark hair had escaped and was hanging lazily against your shoulder. The way you absent-mindedly caressed the goblet of wine. The way you cocked your head slightly to your left when you listened intently. The way a smile spread across your lips before you broke into a laugh...." He blinked and looked at her. She was staring back with astonishment. "But I remember best how you looked so..lost..and alone. You looked so different from everyone else. And I saw through you. I saw your light, Irulan, washing over yourself and everyone around you, though both you and them were completely unaware of it. I saw how your body was there, moving, talking, laughing; and yet your spirit was striding in some other world the whole time."
Irulan was baffled. "You mean...when I was sitting there at the dinner table?"
Legolas nodded softly and smiled. "Your difference was hard to miss. Though I doubt others saw it. And then....you slapped yourself on the forehead."
Irulan's eyes widened slightly. "Oh...." she said and then started to giggle. "I remember! Oh dear..you saw that?!"
Legolas smiled a wonderful smile. "I always meant to ask you what you were thinking about when you did that," he said.
Irulan smiled. "You."
Legolas blinked in surprise and very slightly lifted his head to look at her more intently. "Me?"
"Yes." Irulan laughed softly, even though she had no idea why. It was all so funny. This moment was so funny. She felt light and careless since a very long time now. She felt protected and comfortable. "I had just found out that you were the Prince of Mirkwood, and I was thinking how you must believe me to be the most stupid woman in Middle Earth."
Legolas looked for another moment in amazement, then slowly lay his head back down. "Then you were very far from the truth. For I thought you were the most peculiar mortal I had ever seen. I knew you right there..before I even saw you leaving for the games or after that. I knew you were different. I know now that you were the reason my path traveled through your kingdom then. I had to find you, and...well, you found me," he said, and caressed her cheek again. "I know now. And I often thought that if I had seen it earlier, I might have prevented your leaving. I might have changed everything. I should not have left you behind."
Irulan frowned. "But....you had to return to your kingdom. And....well, you barely knew me."
"No, my spirit knew you. I was deaf to it. I look back now and I see it clearly. My spirit told me right there, when you were sitting only a small distance away from me, both of us surrounded by countless people. I failed to hear it. I should have stayed."
Irulan looked at him for a long time. "Maybe it was meant to be this way, Legolas," she said finally. "Maybe we were meant to meet later, just like we did. Maybe you were meant to heal me as you do now."
The elf smiled the most beautiful smile. "Perhaps it is so. Yet....I failed to hear my spirit and I have lost five years with you, Irulan. I yearn for every day of those years. Every minute of every day. It could be a time I would share with you, but it is gone now, forever. I shall never make that mistake again," he whispered.
Irulan scooted closer and leaned on his chest. Legolas softly embraced her and held her. "I think I was deaf to my spirit, too," she mumbled against him softly. A moment of silence passed. "I thought of you the night I left my life behind. And it hurt to think of you. The idea of leaving was painful, yes. And yet..the idea of leaving you was oddly more painful. I felt it, Legolas; I felt more regret for leaving you than anyone else. And yet..I rode off. Maybe I should have come to you."
Legolas smiled and softly kissed her head. "But we are blessed, Irulan. For we have been given a second chance. You were returned to me. I shall never leave you again."
Irulan closed her eyes and thought about it. 'Indeed,' she thought, 'I can spend lifetime over lifetime with Legolas. Yet..I have only one. And it is getting shorter by the moment.' She fell asleep thinking about it.
***
"Legolas, I have to admit, you are a true warrior, lad! I mean......to conquer Irulan!"
"I did not conquer her, Gimli!" Legolas said and smiled warmly.
"Yes you did! Did she not give in to you?"
"She was kind enough to accept my true wish," said Legolas softly.
"Hah! Kind enough to........hah!"
Aragorn chuckled at the obvious difference between dwarves and elves. "Legolas, my friend, you can not know how happy I am for you. I really hoped both of you would reach this point. You have my endless support."
Legolas smiled back at him. It was the second day of the voyage and a very slow voyage, at that. There were a lot of women and children amongst them......and that was slowing down the trip considerably. The terrain was not too friendly, either. Irulan was walking ahead with Eowyn. Legolas smiled at them. They had such a strange relationship. Just when he thought that they had offended each other beyond mend, the two women were together again, laughing about some old memory or one of Gimli's arrogant stories concerning the dwarven culture. And Irulan had such a beautiful laugh! He smiled and looked down. Life had never been so wonderful. All these years he had lived and thought he was living to the fullest. But now he knew that those were only dull and colorless times.
"Alright! So when is the marriage?!" boomed Gimli. Both Legolas and Aragorn snapped around to him in shock.
"Marriage?" said Legolas with disbelief. "Gimli, I most certainly don't think she agreed to that. I barely talked her into considering a relationship. She needs time."
"Time?! What for?" the dwarf yelped.
"Gimli!" said Aragorn with annoyance. "These are delicate matters. And we are not in the merriest of times here!"
The dwarf looked from elf to man, then back. "What's wrong with the times?"
They sheepishly stared back at him then turned around to look away. Gimli still looked from one to the other. "I don't know what the matter with you lads is! Times!" he mumbled. "Even more reason for a happy unison, I'll tell you. It strikes hope in dark times!"
Legolas sighed softly. I am worried for her, Aragorn," he said with a low voice. "She is often dreaming about those druids. It is not a good omen."
As always, Aragorn was most observant and had understood immediately that something special and unusual was going on between Legolas and Irulan when they had returned to the camp the night before. And thankfully, this time it seemed to be a good thing, as well. There was a peace to Legolas that he had not seen in him for a long time. Irulan seemed peaceful too, although there was still a slight confusion and restlessness to her. And it was only understandable. They were expecting an attack on Helm's Deep. Which meant she would have to Shift. Which again meant he would have to sit and once more think about what he would do. He sighed softly and looked away, scratching his chin.
"I don't know my friend," he said finally and turned around to look at him. Legolas seemed disappointed at his answer. 'They always expect me to come up with solutions!' Aragorn thought with amazement. 'If I knew everything so well, I would solve my own problems!'
"I say we tie her up and leave her to Lady Eowyn before the battle!" rumbled Gimli. He was on the horse that was walking between the elf and the man, trying hard to keep his balance while at the same time keeping track of the conversation. "I am sure Lady Eowyn would be very helpful in the matter."
Aragorn and Legolas grinned at each other. "And who, dear Gimli," said Aragorn, "will face her wrath once she is untied again?"
"There is only one who can walk out of that alive....and she is with her right now," he said, pointing with his head towards the two women walking in the distance. Elf and man chuckled at that. A silence followed.
"I wish we could do that," said Aragorn with a lower voice. "However...I very much fear that we will need Irulan's help in this battle. I don't know what kind of force Saruman will unleash on us....but he is wise enough not to engage in a war he can not win. He knows Helms Deep is strong."
All three remained silent after that, the graveness of the situation falling on them.
***
"I don't understand you two...you are so intimate...and yet you are not lovers? Is that an elf thing?"
Irulan threw her a sidelong glance. "We don't rush it, that's all," she said. A moment later she mumbled "Though things are going a bit too fast for my taste."
Eowyn looked at her with arched eyebrows. "Well..." said Irulan, and unconsciously played with the hem of her tunic. "I kind of..agreed...I kind of...a relationship," she finished.
"Was that a sentence?" Eowyn asked laughing and Irulan shot her an angry look. "Let me guess..he asked you and you said yes."
"At least you are smart," Irulan said.
Eowyn laughed some more. Then a silence set in. "Why do you tell me?"
Irulan sighed in desperation. "Eowyn..I have no one to talk to. I have been amongst men for years now - not to mention the present company. And most of those men are not really good to talk to in this matter," she said. Argorn and Gimli would only use the material to play other ruthless tricks on her to push her even further towards Legolas. Besides...she needed a friend, a woman to tell her mind in this matter. Even though Eowyn was obviously not too much in the favor of Legolas in the issue, she was still a friend and a good, honest one.
Eowyn sighed and looked into the distance. She loved Irulan more like her own sister than a friend. She had thought her heart would erupt when she thought Irulan had committed suicide years ago. Now having her back was a true blessing. Irulan was the only one who understood her. The only one who would support her, listen to her without prejudice, soothe her and calm her. And she deserved the best in life.
She turned around to cast a glance at the convoy and picked out Legolas amongst the crowd. She had never met an elf before and sure enough it would be wrong to judge an entire race by one person.......but Legolas.....seemed truly.......alright, so he was amazing. He was distinctively not human, and so much, that Eowyn found him very interesting. Most human men she had met were rude, brutal, heartless, filthy and very much used to pushing women to the background. Legolas, however, seemed the exact opposite of this. He was very masculine, and yet carried a gentleness that would look absurd on any human male. He was calm, careful and graceful. He had the most beautiful voice she had ever heard and most certainly the most dashing features which she found both odd and yet very attractive. It was hard to believe that this creature represented an entire race that was sharing Middle Earth with her. He seemed completely from another world.
And the way he looked at Irulan.......elf or not, Eowyn had enough sense in her to detect someone in love when she saw him. And Legolas was very much in love with Irulan. Not that he gave away too much with his attitude or his features. He was as unreadable as a blank sheet of paper most of the time (which she found both unnerving and intriguing), and yet, maybe because she was a woman, it was obvious to her. It was in the way his lips softly curved up when Irulan was around. The way his eyes softened. The way he would always assume a position so that she would be in his sight.
"Irulan......you know how much I love you," she said finally. "And to be honest, I think he is amazing. Hell, as a man he is wonderful. And he truly cares for you. If he were a mortal, I would do everything in my power to steal him from you!" Irulan smirked at that. "But he is no mortal," said Eowyn finally with a careful tone.
"Why is that so important?" said Irulan with exasperation.
"It may not seem important now. Now that you are running around like the crazy woman that you are, busy saving the world. Now when you are young and strong. Now when you don't give a damn what everyone else thinks. But Irulan....this will end - this or that way, it will end. You will tire and stop. You will grow old, Irulan - and probably into a more horrible woman than you are now, mind you. I must say that my heart goes out to that poor elf when I think of him and the older version of you."
Irulan threw her a bleak look and Eowyn beamed back. Then she continued: "The point is, both cultures will disapprove. You will find place in neither. It will only be the two of you. Then you will grow old. He will always remain the same Irulan, exactly as he was on day one."
Irulan looked back to the three men. They seemed to be walking lost in their own thoughts. "But worse," said Eowyn with a sad voice, "his people will leave, Irulan. They will sail off. You told me yourself, did you not? He will stay behind for you. And then he will be the only elf in the whole of Middle Earth; the remnant of his race and kind. What will he do when you die? Did you ever think of that?"
Irulan massaged her face and took a deep breath. 'All my paths are dead ends,' she thought bitterly, 'where can I go?'
"Even if you two were happy for all your lifetime, it is only a fleeting moment in his, and after that short happiness...what will become of him, Irulan? Will he live millennia of darkness for one sunny day?"
"I don't know Eowyn," she said finally. "I truly, honestly, deeply don't know. No matter what I choose, I will lose. I can not leave him. I can not be with him. I have absolutely no single clue!"
A silence set in and they kept walking, each lost in her own thoughts. "Then go with the flow," Eowyn said finally.
"Go with the flow?" Irulan said, stunned.
"Yes. Let it go, Irulan. You think too much. Right now, you both need each other, so be with him. If things change, you'll think of something else. Who knows what will happen tomorrow?" Irulan was truly baffled. But then, Eowyn was like that. She would say her mind no matter what, but support you even though you chose not to take her advice.
"Besides..." said Eowyn with a sly smile, "other options might ride our way any day...who knows?"
"Eowyn!"
"Irulan, why do you blame me? You have so many admirers, it is downright ridiculous! I'll never understand what they see in you!"
"Could it be the fact that I'm not trying to lead them to my web and suck their blood....unlike SOME I happen to know?"
Eowyn laughed a beautiful life. Both knew that Eowyn was not like that. But she was fickle. And she had a liking for men that Irulan found often annoying. Eowyn was as tomboy as herself, and yet she had always remained a girl and turned into a beautiful woman. Irulan, on the other hand had forgotten all about being a woman due to the life she had led.
At that moment Legolas approached them on Arod. "Lady Eowyn," he said and slightly bowed his head, to which the other smiled. He turned to Irulan then, "Would you like to accompany me, Irulan? I will scout ahead."
Irulan smiled up at him, "Sure!" She jumped up to sit behind him and embraced his waist. They galloped off with Eowyn looking after them, a sad smile on her beautiful face. Then a sudden grin crept on her face and she turned around to see Aragorn smiling back at her in the distance. Eowyn gracefully turned around and began to walk towards him.
***
"Why are you so suspicious?"
Legolas did not answer immediately, but kept scanning the horizon. He gracefully leapt to another rock and continued gazing in the distance. "It seems too easy," he said finally.
Irulan sighed and shifted slightly on Arod. The fact that this trip was moving along without any interference from Saruman was indeed a little odd. After all...why would he not attack while they were unprepared, unprotected, right here in the open? She would never believe an Istari to be stupid. 'He is planning something for sure,' she thought, 'and it's probably not something we will like that much.'
Legolas kept leaping from rock to rock and scanning the distances. Being restless about it, he took his time and often went back to a former spot and resumed his watch. After having made a full round, he came back to stand by Arod, a frown on his face. Irulan looked down at him and sighed. "Whatever comes, Legolas, we will have to face it," she said finally. He nodded gravely and cast a last look around. Then he looked up to her and smiled. "Come, let us walk a little, Irulan."
She smiled back at him and let him help her gently to the ground. He did not let go once she stood, though. Holding her gently by the waist, he leaned in and kissed her softly but intensely on the lips. Irulan returned his kiss and slowly wrapped her arms around his neck, allowing him to pull her closer. 'I could indeed get used to this,' she thought. And then it hit her how absurd it was. She was a Darma Druid; one who was not supposed to feel love or passion. But she did. And not even to a mortal, but to an elf!
She suddenly broke the kiss and pulled back a little. Legolas sighed softly and leaned forward, but she placed her fingers on his lips and stopped him. She could see the disappointment and confusion in his blue eyes, but he made no move to kiss her again. She pulled her hand back and swallowed softly. "Legolas, we have to talk," she said with a hoarse voice.
He was silent for a moment, but then said "Certainly, Irulan." She pursed her lips and stepped away from him, turned around and began to walk towards the open plains, knowing that he would follow.
A silence followed, but Legolas would not interrupt her. She had agreed to give him a chance. His entire life was devoted to making her happy now and therefore, he was the happiest elf in entire Middle Earth. Nothing Irulan would say could change that now. Whatever she said, he would fix it. Whatever was disturbing her, he would change it.
"Legolas..." she said suddenly, not looking back at him, "do you remember the night I asked of you to make a promise? By the River Anduin?"
"Of course."
"I want you to take it back," she said suddenly, turning to him and remaining still.
Legolas was stunned. "Take it back?" he said slowly.
Irulan swallowed softly and looked away. "Yes. It was...foolish and selfish of me. I should never have asked."
Legolas looked at her for a long moment, then slowly approached her. "Irulan...what is the matter?" he said with a careful tone.
"Nothing," she said with a tinge of nervousness.
He stood before her, but Irulan avoided meeting his eyes. "Irulan..are you regretting your decision?" he said softly, and never had he feared the answer to anything like he feared hers now.
"No! No, I don't Legolas," she said and looked at him for the first time. He could not help a soft sigh of relief.
"Then what is it?"
"Just take it back!"
Another silence. Legolas felt the yearn for her touch growing like a sharp pain in him. But he remained standing. "I will not," he said finally.
Irulan very much feared that it would be his answer. She moaned softly and began massaging her face. 'Why does that elf have to be so stubborn, damn it!' she thought. "I ask you one thing, Legolas. This one thing. Please."
Legolas looked down at her and his heart felt torn. He wanted so much to give in to her wish. To tell her that he would do anything for her. And yet...he feared to agree to anything that would put a distance between them. "Then tell me why, Irulan."
Irulan swallowed softly and looked away. "I do not want you to remain behind for me," she said finally. He felt rooted for a moment, but then instantly decided that nothing could keep him away from her touch now and quickly stepped up to embrace her. Irulan could do nothing but embrace him back. "Legolas...you can not stay. You can not part from everyone. I would hate myself if I'd be the reason for that."
"You ARE everyone!" he said finally and he sounded both desperate and angry. "Do not ask me for this ever again, Irulan."
"But what will happen when I..when I die, you foolish elf?!" she said finally, angry herself, and tried to break the embrace. But Legolas did not let her. If anything, he held her stronger.
"Then I will die with you," he said with a determined voice. Irulan gasped and tried harder to break free, but of course that was impossible.
"Don't say that!"
"Then do not ask!" A silence set in and finally Irulan stopped trying. She leaned on him and let him embrace her and stroke her hair. "You do not understand," he said and although the tinge of desperation was still there, his voice was much calmer and softer. "I can not blame you for asking, for you do not understand. My destiny is entwined with yours now, Irulan. It would not make a difference if I left or remained. I can not live apart from you and you can not change that. Please, accept it and let it be."
"This is horrible, Legolas!" she protested, but it came out weak and sad.
"No, it is not. It is the best thing that ever happened to me." He gently leaned back and looked at her. "I will try to explain," he said softly and taking her hand, pulled her along with him. Finding a comfortable spot, he sat down and pulled her to sit next to him. They sat there hand in hand in silence, both looking into the distance. Finally Legolas sighed and said "It is only inevitable. You see the world from your own eyes, as I see from mine. We can only TRY to understand each other, but our minds will never truly match. Yet, our hearts can."
He looked at her for another long moment, then continued: "Elves do not feel about life as humans do, Irulan. We are not bound to it with the same passion that you are. True, we appreciate and admire it in every way or form, but the life in ourselves....does not hold as much value as it does for others." He looked away for a moment, trying to find the words, but from the looks on his face, failing. "It is natural to us, like water is natural to fish. We do not delve on its meaning or importance or glory...it is simply there, embedded in our being, a part of us. Perhaps it is because we are born never to die, I do not know. But life to us is not the simple acts of breathing or moving, eating or talking." He hesitated again and tried to read her expression. "It is not life itself that interests us, Irulan. Life is..there....it is simply there, and always will be. It is other things that make life worthy of living."
A silence followed during which a cool breeze came up and washed over them. Legolas was once more looking into the distance, his eyes lost in the timeless vaults of his memories. "I have seen many who envy my kind for its immortality. And for many long years, I have understood their envy. I have observed and watched nature and my surroundings and found peace in it. I have believed to love and cherish life, to be ALIVE all those hundreds of years. And yet, even before we met, I noticed that I was not really living in the sense other beings live in this world. I have sensed a dullness, a repetition to it that I had not felt earlier, for life is not meant for standing by and observing, but for living, Irulan."
He broke his gaze then and turning around to her, kissed her hand softly. "Ever since I have met you and since I have joined this quest, I once more feel a reason for my existence. I realize now that I had been alive, yet not much different from a tree. I had been standing silently and peacefully aside in the protective shade of my own kingdom, isolated from other beings, living only for the pleasure of sunlight on my face, or the soft earth around my roots. Every now and then a bird would touch my branches, or a squirrel would run down my bark. And alas...centuries would pass. I know now that many Eldar are like that. It is pleasurable, for sure, and tranquil, and you are connected with the living beings around you. But it is not the life I wish to return to, any longer. For I realized that I am more than a tree. That I am here to engage in life in a far more intimate way than I thought I should, before."
He looked at her, trying to understand if she was following and Irulan nodded slightly. It was only obvious. Elves were living in their own secluded communities, in peace and tranquility. They had cut themselves off from the other races and cultures and events in Middle Earth. In their immortality, they were untouchable and often lacked the wish to make a difference in the world, since they had observed the endless repetition of history. There were exceptions of course.....like Elrond...or Arwen (those were the only elves she knew closer, anyway). But they owed their vitality and their difference in character to their involvement in human matters. Elrond was half human and apart from that, he had taken place in the Last Alliance, and still felt responsible for Middle Earth's future. Arwen, on the other hand, was in love with a human and cared about him and his race more than most elves would. The majority of elves, though, had given up on Middle Earth in their hearts. They would sail off and leave these shores and continue their peaceful lives in Valinor. Middle Earth was perhaps just a phase in their lives and it would end. This was as normal as the end of a season - they truly did not embark on its importance too much.
One more time Irulan realized that, as adorable creatures as they were, she did not wish to be an elf. Their qualities were astonishing and worthy of envy....yet Irulan would rather live a short life with passion, rather than an eternal one without. At least in the human sense of passion. She would certainly disagree if she were an elf.....but being a human, her heart and mind, along with her desires and fears were just..different.
"My vision has changed, Irulan. If I was asleep, I am awake now. I do not desire endless seasons in Valinor during which I can observe and admire the changing of the color of the trees or how the water of the streams grows colder and warmer with the coming of winter or spring. I would rather live with you the time I was granted and see as much of this world as I can, then depart as you will depart." He smiled suddenly. "If my people could hear me! Alas, I never thought I would envy mortality. And yet, along with all the qualities that come with it, mortality seems to be more tempting than eternal life ever was."
"I can't believe you! I mean, it is a completely difference place, Legolas - I would be curious to death about Valinor," she said suddenly.
He smiled down at her, and a moment later his smiled saddened. "I can not deny that the Call of the Sea is growing inside me. Though my heart resists it, this pull is invading me year by year." He looked to the distance and Irulan thought he would shudder - such was his expression. He looked disturbed by such a strong instinct that went against his true wishes. "But....it is nothing compared to the pull I feel for you," he said finally, and leaned down to kiss her again.
Irulan shook her head and smiled. "Legolas, you are the strangest elf in Middle Earth. As I am probably the strangest mortal woman in Middle Earth."
"Then we are a fine couple indeed," he said and softly embraced her.
Dear Mae Noelle, as to why Legolas asks Irulan to be with him: First off, he knows that Irulan loves him. I mean, they have an intimacy on a certain level, don't they? She obviously trusts him and cares for him. He does not know that she is IN love with him, yet, and I don't think he would realize that on his own. It would be too much to imagine for him, I would guess. Anyway, all he does is to promise her to do anything in his power to make her happy. And I think in his heart, Legolas accepts the fact that Irulan might leave him if she falls in love with someone else. And yet, he is willing to take that risk and be by her side until that happens. So, he is actually the complete opposite of selfish. He does not expect commitment or anything in return on her behalf, but he offers to give her as much as he can.
One thing I want to establish in this story is the difference between elves and humans - especially when it comes to love (as I believe it would be). Irulan is reserved, confused and indecisive. She is afraid to follow her heart and terrified of breaking her shell - that is, showing her true feelings to others. She is battling constant inner conflicts and constantly changing under the pressure of her emotions. And, on top of that, those emotions are not nearly as strong as Legolas'. Legolas, on the other hand is completely the opposite. He accepts his love and does not fear it. He sees no reason in hiding it, either. He understands neither Irulan's conflicts, nor her fear - for him, love is as natural a phenomenon as life itself. He does not doubt his heart and he has enough courage to face the consequences. And he does not sway - although his emotional pressure is much, much stronger. It never occurs to him to lie, deceit, pretend in the matter. He has a mighty weakness for Irulan and he sees no reason why he should present himself otherwise. So he is the stronger one, and yet, because of his gentleness and honesty about the matter, he might come across as weaker. In other words, kiki my beloved reader, it is not weak for him to be this open and subservient to Irulan - on the contrary, I think he is capable of doing that because he is so much stronger than her and other humans.
Legolas was lying behind Irulan, his arm encircled around her waist, not really sleeping, just enjoying the warmth of her body. He was surprised that Irulan had actually allowed this kind of closeness.......but he admired her determination in following a made decision. She tried to follow it to the point of being ruthless to herself, actually. Legolas would usually hold watch, since he felt little need for sleep. However, Aragorn had offered to hold the watch that day, saying that he was missing sleep himself and that there were enough of King Theoden's men to watch the entire convoy anyway. And he had accepted willingly. He would much rather lie with Irulan, watching her sleep or embracing her, than walk alone on the rocky hills of Rohan under the moonlight.
He felt Irulan shudder and knew that she was dreaming again. His own elvish cloak was draped around her along with her own, so it could not be the cool air of the Rohan nights. He felt a tension in him then.......a fear that she would once more go through what she did a day before. A minute passed during which he remained alert and debated with himself as to whether he should wake her now or not. Before he could reach a conclusion though, Irulan flinched and woke up. He could tell that she was awake even though her back was turned to him. "Irulan, are you well?" he whispered.
For one instant Irulan was surprised to hear his voice so nearby, and she looked around to understand where she was. Then it all came back to her slowly and she felt before she saw Legolas behind her, his left arm a comfortable weight around her waist. She carefully rolled back to face him.
"Legolas, don't you ever sleep?" she whispered, smiling. She suddenly felt happy that he was here, with her; that she had woken up to find him and that she was not alone now when dreams and future thoughts were pressing down on her.
He smiled back. "Of course I do. But I must tire first.....and well.....I never tire," he said grinning. Irulan grinned back and gently smacked him on the shoulder. They lay there, their bodies close, smiling at each other for no reason. Legolas adjusted the cloaks on her and softly caressed her cheek.
"You were dreaming again," he said, and it was not a question.
Irulan nodded.
"Was it a disturbing dream?"
She was silent for a moment. "I dream so often about the druids now, Legolas," she said finally, drawing little circles on the ground between them. "I don't know what to make of it." She looked up at him and there was distinctive fear in her eyes. "Do you think.......do you....." she said, but Legolas cut her off.
"No," he said curtly.
"But Legolas......"
"No."
Irulan was still for a moment, then began to draw circles on the ground again. "I am afraid," she whispered a long time later.
Legolas held her hand then. "Irulan.......I think you should not attend this battle."
Irulan looked up at him with disbelief. "And desert you all? No!"
"Why do you think of it that way? There are many women here. They will not attend, either. Eowyn will not attend."
"They do not have my skills. There is no way I am getting tucked in with the others while you are fighting for your lives!" She said with mild irritation. Legolas kissed her hand and kept it in his, softly playing with her fingers. He did not reply. "Legolas, if you were in my position......you would fight, too." He did not look up but sighed softly.
"Alas, I would. And I know that it would be wrong to lock you away. Yet.......if I had the say or the power, I would not hesitate for a moment to do so."
"Well good thing you have neither, then," she said matter-of-factly.
"I don't think I can bear it if anything happens to you, Irulan."
Irulan sighed and pulled her hand back, along with his, then placed a kiss on his, which made Legolas look up with the most peculiar expression on his face. She smiled at his shock. "I know," she said softly. "I wish things were different, Legolas.".
He scooted closer. "I often thought how it would have been if you came to Mirkwood for the archery lessons," he whispered.
Irulan could not help giggling. "That would be something!" She became silent then. "Legolas....." she said and paused, "do you think you would feel the same way.....about me.....if I had never left my life? If I had come to Mirkwood instead of running away?"
Legolas scooted even closer and softly kissed her on the lips. "Do you doubt it?" he whispered.
"I would not turn out to be the same person then," she said and shrugged.
"Yes you would," he said softly and stroked her cheek. A long moment passed. "Do you know when I first felt for you, Irulan?" he said suddenly.
She looked up at him. The soft light of the moon was swimming in his eyes and his hair, that was flowing down his shoulders and stood like some dull pool of sunlight around his shoulders. His head was resting on his bent right arm. His skin was like marble. But it was not these external things that made Legolas beautiful. He was a walking flame, giving off his light and heat wherever he went. He had not changed even a bit ever since Irulan had met him five years ago, although she probably did...a lot. Most would find that intimidating, but Irulan found it comforting - it felt like coming home after a long time and finding your own room exactly the way it was. She had no dreams of immortality. The concept itself evaded her human brain. However, she could imagine herself with Legolas for lifetime over lifetime. 'And anyone you deem worthy enough to spend that much time with, HAS to be someone special', she thought.
"I did not know it then, though," he whispered, smiling. "I discovered it much later. Do you remember the first day we met? When you touched my shoulder to save yourself from Lord Endor?"
Irulan smiled. "Of course I do! I was so glad you turned out to be a guest. And a man! But I never thought you would turn out to be an elf!" she giggled. "I was so embarrassed!"
"I know," he said and laughed softly. "It was obvious. Remember when we sat down for dinner later on? You were sitting across me and towards my right." His eyes glazed with the memory. "I remember it very clearly. I remember everything about you - the smallest details about your dress, your hair, your face. The way a strand of your dark hair had escaped and was hanging lazily against your shoulder. The way you absent-mindedly caressed the goblet of wine. The way you cocked your head slightly to your left when you listened intently. The way a smile spread across your lips before you broke into a laugh...." He blinked and looked at her. She was staring back with astonishment. "But I remember best how you looked so..lost..and alone. You looked so different from everyone else. And I saw through you. I saw your light, Irulan, washing over yourself and everyone around you, though both you and them were completely unaware of it. I saw how your body was there, moving, talking, laughing; and yet your spirit was striding in some other world the whole time."
Irulan was baffled. "You mean...when I was sitting there at the dinner table?"
Legolas nodded softly and smiled. "Your difference was hard to miss. Though I doubt others saw it. And then....you slapped yourself on the forehead."
Irulan's eyes widened slightly. "Oh...." she said and then started to giggle. "I remember! Oh dear..you saw that?!"
Legolas smiled a wonderful smile. "I always meant to ask you what you were thinking about when you did that," he said.
Irulan smiled. "You."
Legolas blinked in surprise and very slightly lifted his head to look at her more intently. "Me?"
"Yes." Irulan laughed softly, even though she had no idea why. It was all so funny. This moment was so funny. She felt light and careless since a very long time now. She felt protected and comfortable. "I had just found out that you were the Prince of Mirkwood, and I was thinking how you must believe me to be the most stupid woman in Middle Earth."
Legolas looked for another moment in amazement, then slowly lay his head back down. "Then you were very far from the truth. For I thought you were the most peculiar mortal I had ever seen. I knew you right there..before I even saw you leaving for the games or after that. I knew you were different. I know now that you were the reason my path traveled through your kingdom then. I had to find you, and...well, you found me," he said, and caressed her cheek again. "I know now. And I often thought that if I had seen it earlier, I might have prevented your leaving. I might have changed everything. I should not have left you behind."
Irulan frowned. "But....you had to return to your kingdom. And....well, you barely knew me."
"No, my spirit knew you. I was deaf to it. I look back now and I see it clearly. My spirit told me right there, when you were sitting only a small distance away from me, both of us surrounded by countless people. I failed to hear it. I should have stayed."
Irulan looked at him for a long time. "Maybe it was meant to be this way, Legolas," she said finally. "Maybe we were meant to meet later, just like we did. Maybe you were meant to heal me as you do now."
The elf smiled the most beautiful smile. "Perhaps it is so. Yet....I failed to hear my spirit and I have lost five years with you, Irulan. I yearn for every day of those years. Every minute of every day. It could be a time I would share with you, but it is gone now, forever. I shall never make that mistake again," he whispered.
Irulan scooted closer and leaned on his chest. Legolas softly embraced her and held her. "I think I was deaf to my spirit, too," she mumbled against him softly. A moment of silence passed. "I thought of you the night I left my life behind. And it hurt to think of you. The idea of leaving was painful, yes. And yet..the idea of leaving you was oddly more painful. I felt it, Legolas; I felt more regret for leaving you than anyone else. And yet..I rode off. Maybe I should have come to you."
Legolas smiled and softly kissed her head. "But we are blessed, Irulan. For we have been given a second chance. You were returned to me. I shall never leave you again."
Irulan closed her eyes and thought about it. 'Indeed,' she thought, 'I can spend lifetime over lifetime with Legolas. Yet..I have only one. And it is getting shorter by the moment.' She fell asleep thinking about it.
***
"Legolas, I have to admit, you are a true warrior, lad! I mean......to conquer Irulan!"
"I did not conquer her, Gimli!" Legolas said and smiled warmly.
"Yes you did! Did she not give in to you?"
"She was kind enough to accept my true wish," said Legolas softly.
"Hah! Kind enough to........hah!"
Aragorn chuckled at the obvious difference between dwarves and elves. "Legolas, my friend, you can not know how happy I am for you. I really hoped both of you would reach this point. You have my endless support."
Legolas smiled back at him. It was the second day of the voyage and a very slow voyage, at that. There were a lot of women and children amongst them......and that was slowing down the trip considerably. The terrain was not too friendly, either. Irulan was walking ahead with Eowyn. Legolas smiled at them. They had such a strange relationship. Just when he thought that they had offended each other beyond mend, the two women were together again, laughing about some old memory or one of Gimli's arrogant stories concerning the dwarven culture. And Irulan had such a beautiful laugh! He smiled and looked down. Life had never been so wonderful. All these years he had lived and thought he was living to the fullest. But now he knew that those were only dull and colorless times.
"Alright! So when is the marriage?!" boomed Gimli. Both Legolas and Aragorn snapped around to him in shock.
"Marriage?" said Legolas with disbelief. "Gimli, I most certainly don't think she agreed to that. I barely talked her into considering a relationship. She needs time."
"Time?! What for?" the dwarf yelped.
"Gimli!" said Aragorn with annoyance. "These are delicate matters. And we are not in the merriest of times here!"
The dwarf looked from elf to man, then back. "What's wrong with the times?"
They sheepishly stared back at him then turned around to look away. Gimli still looked from one to the other. "I don't know what the matter with you lads is! Times!" he mumbled. "Even more reason for a happy unison, I'll tell you. It strikes hope in dark times!"
Legolas sighed softly. I am worried for her, Aragorn," he said with a low voice. "She is often dreaming about those druids. It is not a good omen."
As always, Aragorn was most observant and had understood immediately that something special and unusual was going on between Legolas and Irulan when they had returned to the camp the night before. And thankfully, this time it seemed to be a good thing, as well. There was a peace to Legolas that he had not seen in him for a long time. Irulan seemed peaceful too, although there was still a slight confusion and restlessness to her. And it was only understandable. They were expecting an attack on Helm's Deep. Which meant she would have to Shift. Which again meant he would have to sit and once more think about what he would do. He sighed softly and looked away, scratching his chin.
"I don't know my friend," he said finally and turned around to look at him. Legolas seemed disappointed at his answer. 'They always expect me to come up with solutions!' Aragorn thought with amazement. 'If I knew everything so well, I would solve my own problems!'
"I say we tie her up and leave her to Lady Eowyn before the battle!" rumbled Gimli. He was on the horse that was walking between the elf and the man, trying hard to keep his balance while at the same time keeping track of the conversation. "I am sure Lady Eowyn would be very helpful in the matter."
Aragorn and Legolas grinned at each other. "And who, dear Gimli," said Aragorn, "will face her wrath once she is untied again?"
"There is only one who can walk out of that alive....and she is with her right now," he said, pointing with his head towards the two women walking in the distance. Elf and man chuckled at that. A silence followed.
"I wish we could do that," said Aragorn with a lower voice. "However...I very much fear that we will need Irulan's help in this battle. I don't know what kind of force Saruman will unleash on us....but he is wise enough not to engage in a war he can not win. He knows Helms Deep is strong."
All three remained silent after that, the graveness of the situation falling on them.
***
"I don't understand you two...you are so intimate...and yet you are not lovers? Is that an elf thing?"
Irulan threw her a sidelong glance. "We don't rush it, that's all," she said. A moment later she mumbled "Though things are going a bit too fast for my taste."
Eowyn looked at her with arched eyebrows. "Well..." said Irulan, and unconsciously played with the hem of her tunic. "I kind of..agreed...I kind of...a relationship," she finished.
"Was that a sentence?" Eowyn asked laughing and Irulan shot her an angry look. "Let me guess..he asked you and you said yes."
"At least you are smart," Irulan said.
Eowyn laughed some more. Then a silence set in. "Why do you tell me?"
Irulan sighed in desperation. "Eowyn..I have no one to talk to. I have been amongst men for years now - not to mention the present company. And most of those men are not really good to talk to in this matter," she said. Argorn and Gimli would only use the material to play other ruthless tricks on her to push her even further towards Legolas. Besides...she needed a friend, a woman to tell her mind in this matter. Even though Eowyn was obviously not too much in the favor of Legolas in the issue, she was still a friend and a good, honest one.
Eowyn sighed and looked into the distance. She loved Irulan more like her own sister than a friend. She had thought her heart would erupt when she thought Irulan had committed suicide years ago. Now having her back was a true blessing. Irulan was the only one who understood her. The only one who would support her, listen to her without prejudice, soothe her and calm her. And she deserved the best in life.
She turned around to cast a glance at the convoy and picked out Legolas amongst the crowd. She had never met an elf before and sure enough it would be wrong to judge an entire race by one person.......but Legolas.....seemed truly.......alright, so he was amazing. He was distinctively not human, and so much, that Eowyn found him very interesting. Most human men she had met were rude, brutal, heartless, filthy and very much used to pushing women to the background. Legolas, however, seemed the exact opposite of this. He was very masculine, and yet carried a gentleness that would look absurd on any human male. He was calm, careful and graceful. He had the most beautiful voice she had ever heard and most certainly the most dashing features which she found both odd and yet very attractive. It was hard to believe that this creature represented an entire race that was sharing Middle Earth with her. He seemed completely from another world.
And the way he looked at Irulan.......elf or not, Eowyn had enough sense in her to detect someone in love when she saw him. And Legolas was very much in love with Irulan. Not that he gave away too much with his attitude or his features. He was as unreadable as a blank sheet of paper most of the time (which she found both unnerving and intriguing), and yet, maybe because she was a woman, it was obvious to her. It was in the way his lips softly curved up when Irulan was around. The way his eyes softened. The way he would always assume a position so that she would be in his sight.
"Irulan......you know how much I love you," she said finally. "And to be honest, I think he is amazing. Hell, as a man he is wonderful. And he truly cares for you. If he were a mortal, I would do everything in my power to steal him from you!" Irulan smirked at that. "But he is no mortal," said Eowyn finally with a careful tone.
"Why is that so important?" said Irulan with exasperation.
"It may not seem important now. Now that you are running around like the crazy woman that you are, busy saving the world. Now when you are young and strong. Now when you don't give a damn what everyone else thinks. But Irulan....this will end - this or that way, it will end. You will tire and stop. You will grow old, Irulan - and probably into a more horrible woman than you are now, mind you. I must say that my heart goes out to that poor elf when I think of him and the older version of you."
Irulan threw her a bleak look and Eowyn beamed back. Then she continued: "The point is, both cultures will disapprove. You will find place in neither. It will only be the two of you. Then you will grow old. He will always remain the same Irulan, exactly as he was on day one."
Irulan looked back to the three men. They seemed to be walking lost in their own thoughts. "But worse," said Eowyn with a sad voice, "his people will leave, Irulan. They will sail off. You told me yourself, did you not? He will stay behind for you. And then he will be the only elf in the whole of Middle Earth; the remnant of his race and kind. What will he do when you die? Did you ever think of that?"
Irulan massaged her face and took a deep breath. 'All my paths are dead ends,' she thought bitterly, 'where can I go?'
"Even if you two were happy for all your lifetime, it is only a fleeting moment in his, and after that short happiness...what will become of him, Irulan? Will he live millennia of darkness for one sunny day?"
"I don't know Eowyn," she said finally. "I truly, honestly, deeply don't know. No matter what I choose, I will lose. I can not leave him. I can not be with him. I have absolutely no single clue!"
A silence set in and they kept walking, each lost in her own thoughts. "Then go with the flow," Eowyn said finally.
"Go with the flow?" Irulan said, stunned.
"Yes. Let it go, Irulan. You think too much. Right now, you both need each other, so be with him. If things change, you'll think of something else. Who knows what will happen tomorrow?" Irulan was truly baffled. But then, Eowyn was like that. She would say her mind no matter what, but support you even though you chose not to take her advice.
"Besides..." said Eowyn with a sly smile, "other options might ride our way any day...who knows?"
"Eowyn!"
"Irulan, why do you blame me? You have so many admirers, it is downright ridiculous! I'll never understand what they see in you!"
"Could it be the fact that I'm not trying to lead them to my web and suck their blood....unlike SOME I happen to know?"
Eowyn laughed a beautiful life. Both knew that Eowyn was not like that. But she was fickle. And she had a liking for men that Irulan found often annoying. Eowyn was as tomboy as herself, and yet she had always remained a girl and turned into a beautiful woman. Irulan, on the other hand had forgotten all about being a woman due to the life she had led.
At that moment Legolas approached them on Arod. "Lady Eowyn," he said and slightly bowed his head, to which the other smiled. He turned to Irulan then, "Would you like to accompany me, Irulan? I will scout ahead."
Irulan smiled up at him, "Sure!" She jumped up to sit behind him and embraced his waist. They galloped off with Eowyn looking after them, a sad smile on her beautiful face. Then a sudden grin crept on her face and she turned around to see Aragorn smiling back at her in the distance. Eowyn gracefully turned around and began to walk towards him.
***
"Why are you so suspicious?"
Legolas did not answer immediately, but kept scanning the horizon. He gracefully leapt to another rock and continued gazing in the distance. "It seems too easy," he said finally.
Irulan sighed and shifted slightly on Arod. The fact that this trip was moving along without any interference from Saruman was indeed a little odd. After all...why would he not attack while they were unprepared, unprotected, right here in the open? She would never believe an Istari to be stupid. 'He is planning something for sure,' she thought, 'and it's probably not something we will like that much.'
Legolas kept leaping from rock to rock and scanning the distances. Being restless about it, he took his time and often went back to a former spot and resumed his watch. After having made a full round, he came back to stand by Arod, a frown on his face. Irulan looked down at him and sighed. "Whatever comes, Legolas, we will have to face it," she said finally. He nodded gravely and cast a last look around. Then he looked up to her and smiled. "Come, let us walk a little, Irulan."
She smiled back at him and let him help her gently to the ground. He did not let go once she stood, though. Holding her gently by the waist, he leaned in and kissed her softly but intensely on the lips. Irulan returned his kiss and slowly wrapped her arms around his neck, allowing him to pull her closer. 'I could indeed get used to this,' she thought. And then it hit her how absurd it was. She was a Darma Druid; one who was not supposed to feel love or passion. But she did. And not even to a mortal, but to an elf!
She suddenly broke the kiss and pulled back a little. Legolas sighed softly and leaned forward, but she placed her fingers on his lips and stopped him. She could see the disappointment and confusion in his blue eyes, but he made no move to kiss her again. She pulled her hand back and swallowed softly. "Legolas, we have to talk," she said with a hoarse voice.
He was silent for a moment, but then said "Certainly, Irulan." She pursed her lips and stepped away from him, turned around and began to walk towards the open plains, knowing that he would follow.
A silence followed, but Legolas would not interrupt her. She had agreed to give him a chance. His entire life was devoted to making her happy now and therefore, he was the happiest elf in entire Middle Earth. Nothing Irulan would say could change that now. Whatever she said, he would fix it. Whatever was disturbing her, he would change it.
"Legolas..." she said suddenly, not looking back at him, "do you remember the night I asked of you to make a promise? By the River Anduin?"
"Of course."
"I want you to take it back," she said suddenly, turning to him and remaining still.
Legolas was stunned. "Take it back?" he said slowly.
Irulan swallowed softly and looked away. "Yes. It was...foolish and selfish of me. I should never have asked."
Legolas looked at her for a long moment, then slowly approached her. "Irulan...what is the matter?" he said with a careful tone.
"Nothing," she said with a tinge of nervousness.
He stood before her, but Irulan avoided meeting his eyes. "Irulan..are you regretting your decision?" he said softly, and never had he feared the answer to anything like he feared hers now.
"No! No, I don't Legolas," she said and looked at him for the first time. He could not help a soft sigh of relief.
"Then what is it?"
"Just take it back!"
Another silence. Legolas felt the yearn for her touch growing like a sharp pain in him. But he remained standing. "I will not," he said finally.
Irulan very much feared that it would be his answer. She moaned softly and began massaging her face. 'Why does that elf have to be so stubborn, damn it!' she thought. "I ask you one thing, Legolas. This one thing. Please."
Legolas looked down at her and his heart felt torn. He wanted so much to give in to her wish. To tell her that he would do anything for her. And yet...he feared to agree to anything that would put a distance between them. "Then tell me why, Irulan."
Irulan swallowed softly and looked away. "I do not want you to remain behind for me," she said finally. He felt rooted for a moment, but then instantly decided that nothing could keep him away from her touch now and quickly stepped up to embrace her. Irulan could do nothing but embrace him back. "Legolas...you can not stay. You can not part from everyone. I would hate myself if I'd be the reason for that."
"You ARE everyone!" he said finally and he sounded both desperate and angry. "Do not ask me for this ever again, Irulan."
"But what will happen when I..when I die, you foolish elf?!" she said finally, angry herself, and tried to break the embrace. But Legolas did not let her. If anything, he held her stronger.
"Then I will die with you," he said with a determined voice. Irulan gasped and tried harder to break free, but of course that was impossible.
"Don't say that!"
"Then do not ask!" A silence set in and finally Irulan stopped trying. She leaned on him and let him embrace her and stroke her hair. "You do not understand," he said and although the tinge of desperation was still there, his voice was much calmer and softer. "I can not blame you for asking, for you do not understand. My destiny is entwined with yours now, Irulan. It would not make a difference if I left or remained. I can not live apart from you and you can not change that. Please, accept it and let it be."
"This is horrible, Legolas!" she protested, but it came out weak and sad.
"No, it is not. It is the best thing that ever happened to me." He gently leaned back and looked at her. "I will try to explain," he said softly and taking her hand, pulled her along with him. Finding a comfortable spot, he sat down and pulled her to sit next to him. They sat there hand in hand in silence, both looking into the distance. Finally Legolas sighed and said "It is only inevitable. You see the world from your own eyes, as I see from mine. We can only TRY to understand each other, but our minds will never truly match. Yet, our hearts can."
He looked at her for another long moment, then continued: "Elves do not feel about life as humans do, Irulan. We are not bound to it with the same passion that you are. True, we appreciate and admire it in every way or form, but the life in ourselves....does not hold as much value as it does for others." He looked away for a moment, trying to find the words, but from the looks on his face, failing. "It is natural to us, like water is natural to fish. We do not delve on its meaning or importance or glory...it is simply there, embedded in our being, a part of us. Perhaps it is because we are born never to die, I do not know. But life to us is not the simple acts of breathing or moving, eating or talking." He hesitated again and tried to read her expression. "It is not life itself that interests us, Irulan. Life is..there....it is simply there, and always will be. It is other things that make life worthy of living."
A silence followed during which a cool breeze came up and washed over them. Legolas was once more looking into the distance, his eyes lost in the timeless vaults of his memories. "I have seen many who envy my kind for its immortality. And for many long years, I have understood their envy. I have observed and watched nature and my surroundings and found peace in it. I have believed to love and cherish life, to be ALIVE all those hundreds of years. And yet, even before we met, I noticed that I was not really living in the sense other beings live in this world. I have sensed a dullness, a repetition to it that I had not felt earlier, for life is not meant for standing by and observing, but for living, Irulan."
He broke his gaze then and turning around to her, kissed her hand softly. "Ever since I have met you and since I have joined this quest, I once more feel a reason for my existence. I realize now that I had been alive, yet not much different from a tree. I had been standing silently and peacefully aside in the protective shade of my own kingdom, isolated from other beings, living only for the pleasure of sunlight on my face, or the soft earth around my roots. Every now and then a bird would touch my branches, or a squirrel would run down my bark. And alas...centuries would pass. I know now that many Eldar are like that. It is pleasurable, for sure, and tranquil, and you are connected with the living beings around you. But it is not the life I wish to return to, any longer. For I realized that I am more than a tree. That I am here to engage in life in a far more intimate way than I thought I should, before."
He looked at her, trying to understand if she was following and Irulan nodded slightly. It was only obvious. Elves were living in their own secluded communities, in peace and tranquility. They had cut themselves off from the other races and cultures and events in Middle Earth. In their immortality, they were untouchable and often lacked the wish to make a difference in the world, since they had observed the endless repetition of history. There were exceptions of course.....like Elrond...or Arwen (those were the only elves she knew closer, anyway). But they owed their vitality and their difference in character to their involvement in human matters. Elrond was half human and apart from that, he had taken place in the Last Alliance, and still felt responsible for Middle Earth's future. Arwen, on the other hand, was in love with a human and cared about him and his race more than most elves would. The majority of elves, though, had given up on Middle Earth in their hearts. They would sail off and leave these shores and continue their peaceful lives in Valinor. Middle Earth was perhaps just a phase in their lives and it would end. This was as normal as the end of a season - they truly did not embark on its importance too much.
One more time Irulan realized that, as adorable creatures as they were, she did not wish to be an elf. Their qualities were astonishing and worthy of envy....yet Irulan would rather live a short life with passion, rather than an eternal one without. At least in the human sense of passion. She would certainly disagree if she were an elf.....but being a human, her heart and mind, along with her desires and fears were just..different.
"My vision has changed, Irulan. If I was asleep, I am awake now. I do not desire endless seasons in Valinor during which I can observe and admire the changing of the color of the trees or how the water of the streams grows colder and warmer with the coming of winter or spring. I would rather live with you the time I was granted and see as much of this world as I can, then depart as you will depart." He smiled suddenly. "If my people could hear me! Alas, I never thought I would envy mortality. And yet, along with all the qualities that come with it, mortality seems to be more tempting than eternal life ever was."
"I can't believe you! I mean, it is a completely difference place, Legolas - I would be curious to death about Valinor," she said suddenly.
He smiled down at her, and a moment later his smiled saddened. "I can not deny that the Call of the Sea is growing inside me. Though my heart resists it, this pull is invading me year by year." He looked to the distance and Irulan thought he would shudder - such was his expression. He looked disturbed by such a strong instinct that went against his true wishes. "But....it is nothing compared to the pull I feel for you," he said finally, and leaned down to kiss her again.
Irulan shook her head and smiled. "Legolas, you are the strangest elf in Middle Earth. As I am probably the strangest mortal woman in Middle Earth."
"Then we are a fine couple indeed," he said and softly embraced her.